The Fourth Session

"No! I can't"

"I shouldn't!"

"I mean, I ought not to!"

My own thoughts are so conflicted, I don't know what to make of it.

This would not be so troubling if I weren't supposed to be a therapist.

More so a female therapist. In 1976.

This book though, a text about fetishes and the inner workings of the human mind in this regard, it's supposed to be used as a reference for professionals, like me. Here I am, 'studying' the imagery and testaments of a particular case of this nympho-maniacal female who happens to be one of those beauty queen types. You can imagine how often and easily she would get laid. Well apparently, this broad had managed to twist her sick tendencies into a game of catch and release, but with not so much release.

Here I am, not so much of a girly beauty queen type, but at least I finally have my own practice. Having worked for this older male as his apprentice, he was very professional toward me. Older, not really all that attractive, but professional. I learned so much from him and I became such a better practitioner as a result, but sometimes and not too often, there's this tiny voice in the back of my mind. She stands out most than others, wishing for something out of him, something more um... engaging?

Okay, he was not attractive, he had a wife, kids, house, all that. Pretty much as stale as yesterday's butter biscuits, but I always had that curiosity. That desire, to be that catch, that want and desire of some important guy who never had any sort of sexual acquisition in mind because he had more important things in mind. What if I came along and changed it all? What if I made him change his mind from focused on work into wanting and desiring my flesh?

Hmmm?

No.

I shouldn't

That would make me to look like a slut! A tart! That's not me! I'm nothing like that!

I'll have you know that I truly love what I do, not just the study of the inner workings of the human psyche but the aspect of helping and influencing someone, whether short term or long. I am a natural helper after all.

I worked so hard to be where I am, especially in this day of age where a female professional ANYTHING is not taken too seriously. I have my reputation to protect! So NO!

No.

And this book! Of all the books I have this is the one I seem to gravitate towards the most! I've become my own case of the psychologically deprived. Okay, I shall forget that for now. Let me grab my appointment book and land my feet back to earth.

So who is there left for consultation? I've seen four patients already and I think I have one left.

Oh! Speaking of depravation...

This individual is someone who was referred to me from my former college study mate who has moved two states away. He's an interesting case, introverted, smart, very accomplished, and scholarly but very lacking in social skills. Well actually, 'lacking' is too generous, and I think that's where the deficiency may lie. There are 'some wrinkles to iron out apparently', according to the notes from his former practitioner. I've met with him three times already and I vividly recall our first consultation:

I hear the door knock! Someone is at the door, my last client for the day! Yes I know I've just mentioned how much I love to help others but it's Friday! Can't wait to get out and get going! I'll listen, check on his progress and consult. Keep it professional!

From the first moment I had laid eyes on him, there was nothing especially notable, not too old, not too young.

He comes in through that door;

"Hi!" I said in a very straight forward manner.

"Hello Ma'am. Good afternoon or evening." He said softly and without making eye contact.

I replied, "Come in! Technically it's still the afternoon and quite early still for a Friday"

"Well thank you for admitting me later in the day, I work almost the same hours as you so this is the only time I have besides"

"Not to worry! I'm here for you, Sir!"

He looked up as if my words ignited a spark in him. As he looked straight into my eyes I began the analysis with mine. The body language, tone of voice, posture, all these things I read and use to determine the mental state of this individual. So far he is telling me that he is somewhat reluctant to speak, perhaps he is not used to direct social interactions toward other people? Toward women? Yet he has a draw toward what I have to say.

So, I asked, "Tell me, what's your name?"

He pauses before continuing to speak "David."

It's unusual for anyone to hesitate in speaking their own name.

"Please have a seat here!" I lead him onto the seat, which is identical to the one across. I try to establish candor by providing a seat that is the same as the one I would take, this is to symbolize that although he is my client we are all equal and the same, so we can have a conversation as such. We are all human. Plus, I received a substantial discount by purchasing two chairs of the same type. There is also the red sofa which may accommodate the both of us, it's near the back of the room and next to the wide window, but I find it far too casual to hold a session on.

This man doesn't speak much so I must take an approach where I lead him into open ended conversation without seeming like an interrogation. These are one of my better qualities as a therapist.

I need to break the ice "So how has your day been?" He sits right before I do while we initiate some form of a conversation.

"It's been good." He musters a response that is not open ended at all.

"Would you like some water to drink?"

"No but thank you."

"Have you eaten today?" It's an odd thing to ask of him but it determines if the person in question is cranky or not, since they may be hungry

"I've had lunch already."

"Okay." I get down to business. "You were referred from a colleague of mine, who mentioned that you have visited him regarding social angst?"

"Well...yes and no."

"Okay...what do you mean by that?"

First step is to determine what they feel is wrong although it may not mean that is what is actually going on.

He speaks, "I have desires."

"Oh okay." We are going somewhere. "What are these desires?"

He glances out the window before mustering a sentence.

"There are things I want to do with women."

At this point, an alarm may sound in someone's mind, but what he said can mean anything. The key to replying to him is not to make it sound like what he has in mind is bad, or good for that matter. My job is to know, and then address. Giving the impression that his thoughts may be adverse may cause for him to not be as open as he needs to be. I approach carefully.

"Okay, what would you like to do?"

He offers a padded reply "Look at me, I don't seem like the typical masculine type. I get passed by women daily and nobody bats an eye when I talk..."

I look in his eyes and nod with understanding, he continues...

"It's not like I want to be intimidating, if that's the right way to put it, I'm not demanding even, but sometimes I sit at the café and look at random women who mind their own business, but to me, they are helpless and begging for something else..."

So many words came out of his mouth, but he really hasn't said anything. I want details; "What do you believe they want?"

David's soft glances turn into an intentional stare right into my eyes; "I want to approach her and kneel in front of her, take her by the foot and remove her shoe so I may look at each toe and kiss them with my lips. One by one."

He kept going, describing essentially what was a sexual encounter with a woman. Then he became very explicit.

"Perhaps I may hold her by the legs so I may remove her panties before applying my lips onto her private area..."

He stopped and looked at me. The silence persisted as I wrote these down, he realized it.

"I'm sorry perhaps I have said too much..."

I intervened without looking straight at him;

"No Sir, on the contrary, this is the best occasion to talk."

He spoke much softer this time;

"Okay."

I felt it appropriate to have him elaborate on the reason why he' s here in the first place;

"Do you feel this is conflicting for you in some way?"

His stare reverts toward the window; "Not really."

"Do you feel a need to take action and carry out these desires toward these women?"

"No. That would be inappropriate."

"So do you feel as if you would put yourself or others in some sort of danger?"

"No."

I felt like being forward about it so I thought to myself 'Well why are you here then?', but I didn't say that.

Before I approached with some insight, David decided to be forward on his own;

"I just don't know how to do it."

I asked; "Do what?"

"THIS!"

He paused to look at me and continued with a back-and-forth gesture;

"Well I don't mean 'this' but..."

He took a deep breath;

"...I don't know how to be myself with women. I'm afraid of putting them off or being too forward if that makes sense."

Finally, we are going somewhere!

Our conversation continued on about social anxiety and techniques in striking up conversations appropriately. All the while David seemed to be sincere and tender when conversing with me. He also elaborated about his past relationships and how he deemed them to be failures even though I didn't see them as that.

We eventually elaborated on conducting proper conversations with women in general and in how to initiate a step by step process of establishing a relationship.

All the while, something was happening to me...

The small details about him, the way he stares and how he conducts himself, everything about him, I found to be interesting. It was in a way where everything he said struck a chord with me, where he described his dilemmas and I already knew where he was going, what he needed. This made him very interesting indeed. Attractive perhaps?

Now, I had never fraternized with a patient. As I had mentioned earlier and as I tell myself every day, I am a professional before anything else!

Anyway! The first consultation was a success. We broke through the ice, then came time for the second consultation where we went in depth a little further.

I never begin with an assumption that he has some serious psychological issue until there is reasonable evidence for it. As the session went on it became evident that there wasn't. What did become apparent was that his perception of himself was a bit eschewed, probably stemming from certain experiences in his youth. I found that his conduct toward his male counterparts were not too abnormal, just that he mistook his severely introvert demeanor as symptoms of potential sociopathic inclinations. I did become quite interested in his conduct toward women though, rather, the lack of experience. As a result, his social anxiety toward others merely seem like a reaction to the inexperience and self judgement of social interaction. As a result, he has resorted to conveying a false version of himself to everyone instead of really exploring his true self.

As the session went on, he did open up much more and inevitably our conversations became relaxed as if our professional association disappeared. It almost felt as if we have become as friends. What's even more interesting was that I sort of knew the direction of his emotions in the scenarios he was describing and how they were affecting him. It is my job to do so, of course, but I can't really be honest and say that I knew because I was a good consultant. I knew because I knew. For instance, when he was at a loss for words when describing the pain of loneliness within certain predicaments, I finished his sentences and managed to add an accurate description to what he was going through in his head. This caused for David to look at me with this bright-eyed look and tell me in excitement; "Yes! Just like that!". That pleased me.

Our third consultation was different. Maybe the approach was the same, but HE was different. David seemed amicable, more eager to talk, no more long pauses. The conversations felt more engaging instead like an interrogation on my end. That's a good sign! At least for me.

He did finally open more about these fantasies, which were essentially desires to exercise certain fetishes. The way he talked about them though, it was as if these were sequences that went on in his mind, explicit intentions, so to speak. These flowed from his lips in a sort of way which was, dare I say, intriguing?

In all honesty, I felt for David. He is a very accomplished individual who could be quite lovely, but just doesn't know how to express it yet.

Is there a professional term for 'lovely?"

All the while, I've been thinking about him. Even in my free time. I don't know what it is but the combination of sincerity and subtle masculinity has me somewhat...captivated?

I think it's much more than that. I think it stems from the fact that I understand him in a more intimate level, and that shows during our consultations.

Do you know what it has resorted to? I have been making my dinners at home lately and I think about how he would prefer his made. Tonight is macaroni salad? Would you like your dinners with or without dressing, Mr. David? Would you appreciate the addition of sesame seeds to spice things up, Mr. David? How about if I put on that red lingerie that has been collecting cob webs in the closet, do you think that would spice things up even more, Mr. David?

...ahem...NO

NO!

This is enough!

I am not fantasizing with my patients.

Oh my god what am I doing?

This isn't happening, but admittedly he is sort of cute, in a very limited and subtle sort of way. Do you think he would be a decent lover though? What do you think would be his type? Am I his lover type?

Am I really talking about love here?

No.

Okay, perhaps I'm moving into restricted territory here! I'm not going to hide my sudden case of infatuation either. I'm not feeling myself There has to be another word for this, what I'm feeling! What I should NOT feel toward David, this soft hearted yet striking example of a man...

NO!

Ugh! Alright, let's look back here to our last conversation. This third session...

It appears that we dove into some personal things about ourselves. I include my own personal experiences given the subject matter. This makes it less like an interrogation He was still feeling alien, but to ensure that he really wasn't I brought up my personal social life as well. I spoke just a tad about how I sort of felt the same way toward men. But I mean, I am not LIKE David? I'm social! The last time I talked for fun with a male was...

Oh bother!

I think I'm connecting too much.

Perhaps I should step back here...

Wait! I'm not giving up on David! There's still quite a bit to sort out here. I have a lot to get into with him!

Not physically! I mean with the process of unwinding, which is all I think we need. HE needs!

Ugh!

Let me pause.

...

Oh my.

Do I have a problem here?

I mean, are we traveling too much along the same wavelength?

Is this a problem?

Should we continue on in this predicament?

Can two individuals with similar social inhibitions get through this>

...

Well I am the one with the degree in psychology here!

He needs guidance.

And it's my job to help.

That's it!

...

Now it's time for our fourth consultation...

While I organize my writing tablet, a knock emanates from the door while a silhouette is seen through the opaque window. I'm ready for business!

Someone is at the door, and I know who it is. The silence in the room is amplified and the hairs on my arms are beginning to raise. My sense of alertness and the butterflies in my stomach are also beginning to stir. This is not the usual attitude I get when I greet anyone.

I am wearing a button up cardigan with a long skirt and a button up blouse underneath. I'm still a sucker for the tight and trim styles of the late sixties and not so into the newer more looser garments of today. I'm also wearing dark stockings with open toed pumps. These remind me of the ones my mother used to wear in her own professional attire during her day. I am all about that sort of stuff. These pair of thick dark glasses frame my face and my hair is kept up.

I'm coming to the door so I open it!

It's David! Today he is dressed in a woolen vest with a flannel type shirt which is buttoned all the way to the top. This shirt is also tucked in which conceals teal socks that are covered under black Italian loafer type shoes. He's not too tall but not too short, overall cute if we wanted to be. I am not getting comfortable vibes from him

"Hi David! Welcome in! Have a seat!

"Hi!" His voice confirms the lack of ease. He won't look at my eyes at least. I shall finesse this approach by breaking the ice;

"Well I hope you are excited for the weekend?"

It's that long pause again. Some reluctancy comes out of his lips;

"Yeah sure..."

It's like we go back to square one. He's timid and unwilling to be open. That's okay, sometimes some things get worse before they get better. I'll continue...

"How are you feeling, David?"

"I'm fine really."

"Okay, well I'm sensing some tension in your voice, all things considered you know you can be free to speak about anything..."

"Right."

"Is there anything troubling you at the moment?"

He looks at me before his gaze slid down just a bit, as if he stopped slipping too far, until he looked away to the window...

He continues;

"Can I tell you something?"

"Yes! Absolutely"

"I have been having fantasies..."

This isn't anything new...

"About you..."

Oh...

Well...

I...

"Okay..."

The pause now is mine.

How should I approach this?

Okay...

"You know you may feel free to speak your mind, David. I'm here for you..."

His gaze lifted to my eyes and he spoke rather loudly.

"That's the thing, I..."

"What?"

"..."

"I mean, please go on..."

I broke my sense of professionalism for a second there.

"I won't judge..."

"I want to...do dishonorable things...to you..."

When he said this, the butterflies in my stomach began to flutter. My body temperature rose while my fingers began to curl. This usually doesn't happen to me! This SHOULDN'T happen! Oh no! My toes are curling inward. I think my body language is too loud! He noticed...

"Ma'am, I think I have said too much..."

"No, David. Just finish what you were saying, please elaborate..."

"You are cringing at me..."

"No David! I'm not! I'm just...I..."

...am at a loss for words.

He looks like he's about to get up.

"I think I've said enough, ma'am..."

He stands up and turns briskly to the door. So I try to stop him...

"Wait, David! Just...why don't you..."

My mind is such a mess, I can't even put words together! What's wrong with me? He can't just leave the consultation like this. He needs to finish this conversation...with me...

I stand up and grab him by the arm. He stops and flinches, causing his hand to land on my breast. He recoils back and lifts both hands to his sides.

"Shit!"

I respond; "Oh my..."

He's very nervous;

"Um... I'm sorry!...um..."

Both you and I Sir. I shouldn't let him leave. What if he doesn't return? He speaks;

"I gotta go..."

The seconds after he said that could have lasted hours, by how my mind processed it. I didn't think of a way to mediate as much as just making him stop. Don't go David! Let's talk it over and approach it step by step!

"Wait!"

He stopped, but hasn't turned around. What should I say? This split second! The rest of this consultation will teeter on what I say. Should I assure him that everything will be okay? Shall I just let him leave to think things over? Process them?

I am a woman of professional candor. I esteem myself for being the example of who a woman ought to be. Before I am a doctor, I am a woman.