The Friends List Ch. 05

"How?"

"Sam told me."

"She knows?!"

"Of course she knows. She's known for years."

"How? She never said anything to me."

"No, she didn't. She doesn't care. You were discreet about it and didn't make anything weird between you. My point is, if it's a crime sleeping with your friend's siblings, or your sibling's friends, then I'm not the only one in this room guilty of it. It's only weird if you choose to make it weird."

We sat silently for a moment as Vanessa processed this.

"Do you think I'm a whore?" she finally asked in a low voice.

"What?"

"Do you think I'm a whore? Speaking as a man."

"No. Why are you asking me?"

"Because you've just slept with four of my friends in a row and your reputation, if anything, has gone up. You're right, I'm the only one who's upset. I mean Laura isn't thrilled she's not your fiancée by now, but that's her own issues. Everyone else thinks you're the greatest thing since sliced bread. It's so not fair.

"I've had nothing but judgment from the world for sleeping around. I've done the same as you, and it's a double standard. I lost my Mom before puberty, and I never had a good example of female sexuality to model myself after. You know how conservative Dad always was with raising me. I'm pretty sure he still believes I'm a virgin, even. With everyone else I have a reputation, because I wasn't ever shy about my desires, whereas everyone I know thinks even higher of you. You're a stud, and I'm a slut. That's bullshit."

"What reputation?"

"You really don't know what they called me in high school?"

I shook my head.

"My initials are VJJ, Vanessa Jane Jelinek, and I was promiscuous. It didn't take a lot of creativity for people to call me Vajayjay."

"God, I'm sorry. Kids can be so cruel. I never knew."

A tear appeared in Vanessa's eye. "You never protected me at school like an older brother should. You never paid me any attention. You never knew what I was going through. People bullied me, and you never even noticed. So once I had the reputation, I figured I may as well live up to it. I'm going to be judged regardless, so I may as well enjoy getting laid."

I sat silently for a moment while I processed this, feeling guilty.

"So that's why you slept with Samantha's brother?" I finally asked.

"No. He was a hot older boy who owned a car." She shrugged. "He was good in bed. It may have been a stupid, impulsive, hormone-crazed decision, but I don't regret it. My only fear was Sam finding out, and apparently she's cool with it. That's a huge weight off my shoulders."

"It's a weight off that you know about what I've done this summer, too. I've been so worried about what you'd do if you found out."

"I'd punch you right in the fucking face at a pool party." She smiled for the first time. "You know, I am a slut, if any girl is. I don't feel ashamed about it anymore, but that's what I am. My body count is pretty high and I haven't even hit age twenty yet."

"I'm not asking for numbers, but mine's getting up there, too. I would never slut-shame you or anyone else, and I also don't regret anything I did this summer, apart from the fact it's apparently destroyed our fledgling relationship. I loved watching Titanic with you earlier this week. I was hoping for more moments like that in the future."

"Me too. It meant a lot to me to finally start trusting you."

I sat for a long time at the end of her bed, staring my stepsister down. We didn't speak.

"I'm sorry for being such a terrible stepbrother," I finally said. "Years ago, and also this summer. I'm sorry I didn't notice or protect you in high school. I'm sorry I wasn't ever there for you. All I can do is acknowledge it, and try harder going forward."

"I'm sorry for being such a terrible stepsister," she replied quietly. "You were right in that car up to the cottage. I never accepted you. I still haven't. I've just held onto this anger forever. Anger over losing my Mom, over being judged, over everything. Life hasn't ever treated me fairly. I hated you because you weren't the older brother I needed, but I never tried to get to know you for you."

"Can we fix this?"

"...I don't know, Peter." She sat quietly for a while longer, lost in thought. "I think it's a good thing you're leaving soon. It's going to be easier to deal with each other at a distance for a while."

"I agree. But do me a favour?"

"You're not in a position to get a favour out of me right now. But you can ask."

"Go easy on Monique. I don't want you to lose a friend out of this. She cares about you. And you know how conservatively she was raised. Being a teenager is all about learning how to handle feelings you don't know how to feel. She did the best she could, just like we all are. I can't imagine it was easy discovering you were pansexual in a repressive household."

Vanessa sighed. "Dammit, you're right. I'll text her."

"Thank you." I stood up. "I know forgiveness isn't going to happen overnight, but I still want a relationship with you. I want to be your brother."

"It's not going to happen overnight, but I want to be your sister too. We can work on it."

I leaned over and gave her a hug. "That's the best I can hope for."

"Did Monique tell you she thought we were too alike to be close?" Vanessa asked as she finally pulled back from the hug.

"Yes."

"She's probably right, the bitch."

"I'm starting to see that for myself, much as I don't want to admit it. Please text her."

"I will." Vanessa glanced over at the door. "I need some time to process this, and I know you're leaving for school tomorrow. I don't want to talk seriously again before you leave. But I don't think this is unsalvageable. Let's see where we are again at Thanksgiving."

"Sounds good."

"And one more thing, Peter. I can't stop you from having sex with whoever you want, but if you hurt Samantha or Monique, I will fucking end you."

"I like both of them way too much to hurt them, but I'll take note of that anyway."

"Good boy."

I left Vanessa's room feeling optimistic, and I quickly texted Monique an update. She appreciated hearing that it had gone well. She decided it was best to give Vanessa a couple of days to sort out her feelings, but she was happy to learn that their friendship probably wasn't over. As for us, our lives were still too much in flux to make concrete plans, but we committed to seeing each other at some point during the fall to hang out again.

The next morning, as I packed my stuff up for another year of school, I got a text from Samantha. It was a photo of her moving into Victoria Hall on the Queen's campus. Her proud parents were getting her set up, even if her Dad was still having trouble accepting that she was a Queen's Golden Gael frosh and not a Western Mustang. Once she was moved in, she was going to go out partying for Orientation Week. I quickly texted her a good luck message. I knew she'd have her social calendar full for the next week or so before classes started, and there would be plenty of time to see her after, once she was settled in. And man, did she ever look cute in a red, blue and gold Queen's sweatshirt.

My summer had opened with me being mad at my stepsister after a big house party where I'd had sex with one of her friends, and it had ended with my stepsister being mad at me after a big house party where I'd had sex with another one of her friends. When I thought of it like that, devoid of context, I suddenly realized I could completely understand how she was feeling. But I was exceedingly happy with how the summer had gone. I had made friends, gotten laid, passed the LSAT, and discovered that a girl I'd liked for a long time had always liked me too.

As for Vanessa, despite everything that had happened, we understood each other now in a way we never had before, and I thought there was reason to be optimistic. I was determined to be a better stepbrother to her in the future.

As the train pulled out of the station to take me back to Kingston, I impulsively sent her a text. Good luck this year. Second year of university is usually smoother than first.

Good luck to you too, Vanessa replied immediately. I hope you get into law school.

Me too. Thanks.

There was a long pause, then my phone buzzed again.

I think we're going to be okay, bro.

Glad to hear it, sis. See you at Thanksgiving.

You too.

I smiled to myself as the city receded out the train window. What a summer it had been.