The Girlfriend

I was faced with the reality that Ray was the only man who would ever want me. He'd married me. No one else had even wanted to date me. And what would be different in the bedroom? I'd still be faced with a man's demands, many worse than Ray was asking of me. And so, I'd decided it was me that wasn't good enough.

So that was it. I'd settled into a routine. Ray got to do what his nature demanded of him. Then I did what I needed to do the next day to ease my unwanted frustrations, usually in the comfort of my bath.

I wasn't normal. That had been my conclusion. I remembered taking him in my mouth to the point he'd ejaculated. I'd been disgusted. Almost sick. Ray had understandably been angry with me. I'd apologised profusely and promised to do better.

I learned after that. On the occasions he wanted to repeat the activity I'd been sure not to take it too far. I still didn't like it. A big smelly thing thrusting into my mouth wasn't my idea of fun. But I did it to please him and letting him ejaculate his sperm on my breasts seemed to satisfy him. It saved me the horror of that taste, or the slime in my throat.

But those weren't the thoughts that occupied me behind closed eyes as I soaked in the warm water. No. What I thought about was more abstract. The hands gliding over my body were faceless. Just soft and caressing but without form. In reality, they were my own but in my head, they belonged to no one in particular.

My small breasts tingled as they were pressed and rubbed against my chest. I squeezed with my fingers to ease the ache in them.

"Mmm."

I wriggled about in the tub, rubbing my thighs together and the lapping water made gentle noises in my ears. I lightly tugged on my swelling nipples.

"Uhh."

Why didn't Ray make me feel this good?

My fingers glided down my belly and sought out my most secret place. Soft, pliable flesh that demanded I scratch an impossible itch.

"Uhmm."

Ray was always too rough around there. Soft gentle strokes were so much better. A slow build of rubbing fingers around my slit before parting delicate flesh. A finger inside heightened my arousal. It massaged sensitive nerves that responded with so much more than they did against Ray's penis. They didn't go so deep but I didn't mind that. All the real sensation was around the opening of my tunnel. And of course my clitoris. I just wanted soft play, not all that deep penetration and pounding.

I peeled away the protective hood from my clit and began a delicate finger rub over its surface. Back and forth with a slow rhythm that left me gasping.

"Uh. Yes."

There it was. That whole body shudder that came with the build towards orgasm. I liked this sensation as much as the actual event and always tried to extend it for the maximum time. As though I could stop time and live in that moment forever. But always the urge to orgasm eventually won out. I stretched my legs out, pointing my toes over the end of the tub and pressed hard onto my little spot. In those final moments, my fingers circled ferociously.

"Uhh. God, yes."

Some of the bath water splashed over the side as my legs came up to my belly sharply. I curled my toes just as my body convulsed.

"Uhh."

A moment later it was over and I lay there looking up at the steam rising into the room. It drifted like smoke in the cooler air and condensed into tiny droplets on the frosted window. More dribbled down the tiled walls in narrow streaks.

The tension was gone from me. I felt refreshed. But a tiny part of me also felt as though I'd done something wrong. Disgusting. That I'd betrayed Ray.

I climbed out, wrapping myself in a towel. After cleaning up I went through to the bedroom to dress.

I caught a glance of myself in the full-length mirror propped in the corner and stopped. I didn't look bad. In fact, I was anything but. I looked better than many of the women that I saw men lusting after. That's what I'd never understood. What was it in me that turned boys, now men, away from me? What did they see that I didn't?

I had the same body as Mindy. Almost identical to the point we could have been twins. Her boobs were slightly bigger but not by that much. And yet she was considered hot and I wasn't.

I heard the door and forgot about dressing. As I descended the stairs the housekeeper was putting her coat on a hook.

"Good morning Anna."

"Good morning.

Shall I start upstairs?"

Anna was a young woman, younger than me. Latvian born, though she'd been here some time, since childhood I think, and she didn't have much of anything you could call an accent.

"Yes. That's fine. Thank you."

"The secret boyfriend gone?" She asked glancing me up and down in my dressing gown.

"Or shall I avoid the wardrobe?"

I giggled.

"No secret boyfriend Anna."

"Okay.

Nothing wrong with a little me time." She winked.

Oh god. She knew what I'd been doing. I flushed red as I made a pathetic joke to cover myself.

"It was the milkman today and he's back on his rounds."

"I want your milkman." She laughed heading for the utility to find her cleaning paraphernalia.

I wanted to die. We all did it. I knew that. Anna did it. Mindy did it. I was even certain Ray did occasionally. But it wasn't something I could ever admit out loud.

"I'm guessing the bathroom first?" Anna said as she came back and headed towards the stairs.

"Er... yes. I just took a bath."

"You should get a shower. Much more fun."

"More fun?"

I followed her to go up and get dressed. Anna stopped and smiled at me.

"You know.

The spray?"

I felt myself going red again. I knew what she meant.

"I do it all the time. Great way to end the day and get a good night's sleep."

I was stunned into silence that she would share that with me.

"But then you have Ray for that, don't you."

I cringed inside myself. She had no idea.

"Right. Bathroom and hoovering. Then I'll wipe the kitchen over while you make your lovely coffee."

Ray had employed Anna and she worked hard. It didn't escape my attention that she was pretty. A sweet face with tied-back hair and a slim body. I was glad Ray rarely saw her. Sometimes I imagined if he did she would steal him away. That was my worst fear. That someone more attractive, more willing to accommodate his needs in the bedroom would take him from me.

I watched her climb the stairs, unable to take my eyes off her gently swaying bum in tight denims. I couldn't explain why I found the sight alluring, only that it was something I feared Ray would see. Without a doubt, Anna would be a more capable partner in Ray's bed than I was proving to be.

I looked away, vowing to try harder in the bedroom before my fears morphed into reality.

Two

It'd been a few days since Ray had relieved himself in me, so it didn't come as a surprise when he wanted it again.

"Leave the nightie off."

I felt a tinge of reticence race through me at the words. Commanding and expectant. I glanced at him as I fumbled with the cotton garment, momentarily covering myself with it. He was sat up looking at me. No pyjamas. Not tonight. Just his bare, hairy chest on display as though I'd be impressed.

"Okay."

I hoped he wasn't going to get too demanding with that slimy appendage. His eyes remained on me while I folded the cotton nightie and hung it over the back of a chair. I realised, even turned away from him, that he had the hungry look predators have when watching their prey. I turned to him and smiled. I understood my duty as his wife.

"Come here."

He patted the bed and I obediently went and sat next to him, pulling the covers over my lap. I waited as he looked me over. My hands subconsciously covered myself as his eyes moved, studying me.

"Should I turn the light out?" I asked meekly.

"No. Leave it. I want to see you."

I was never comfortable naked, especially when he examined me so closely. A critical eye where I felt he was comparing me to others. Perhaps that secretary of his, or the housekeeper, Anna. Both seemed so much prettier than me.

I lifted the covers and slipped lower into the bed when I thought he'd had long enough to criticise me in his mind.

This wasn't going to be the quick fumble it generally was. Tonight he intended more. One of those events that tested my ability to feign enjoyment. One where I forced myself to perform in case someone else became more attractive to him.

Ray lay down and snuggled up against me. His hands were rough against my skin. They mauled me. Coarse fingers squeezing my breasts and twisting my nipples until they hurt. Like tuning a radio some said. That was certainly how it felt to me.

"Uhh."

I made the sounds he expected, trying to relax. Tensing just made it worse.

Ray's face pressed against mine, just as rough. Even clean-shaven, almost indiscernible stubble scratched at my soft skin as he held my head back and kissed me. I was a compliant puppet under his strength. It was my duty I reminded myself again. He would leave me if I didn't let him.

"You're so cute." He whispered as he sat up on his knees.

The covers were thrown back and I was exposed to his gaze again. I wished he'd let me turn the light out. I found myself sliding even further down the bed, pulled by hands around my waist until I was laid completely flat with my legs opened around him.

Ray knelt over me and I saw his penis bouncing in front of my eyes. It was such an ugly thing. All gristle and veins. I closed my eyes as I opened my mouth. This was my worst nightmare but I had to do it. I was his wife. If I didn't, I'd lose him and be alone.

I fought the urge to gag, instead wrapping my hand around it to shorten the length that invaded me. Anything to stop it going so far into my mouth. The rancid taste covered my tongue and I smelt his sweat. Masculine. Sour and unpleasant to my senses. I wondered how anyone could find such a thing attractive. But then I'd become convinced long ago that there was something wrong with me.

With practiced effort I shaped my lips around him and pumped his shaft while his hips moved back and forth, pushing into my mouth with ever-increasing vigour. My eyes stayed tightly shut.

"Oh, that's so good." He muttered from somewhere above me.

I could hear the bed frame creaking and knew he was holding himself up on the bedstead. He would be towering over me like a prize bull, dominating my tiny frame while I submitted my mouth to him.

His Secretary with her big hair and pushed-up boobs wouldn't be so tense. She would be devouring him with her painted lips. So would my sister, Mindy. And Anna. All of them were keen to have a man's thing in their mouth, working it expertly to milk that vile discharge as though it were some fine-tasting wine. No. It was just me that had a problem with it. Somehow I'd been made wrong.

It seemed to go on forever while he grunted like an animal. It grew harder and hotter and I was already worried he wouldn't stop. I was so grateful when he pulled out.

My eyes opened wondering what was coming next. What position would he want his compliant little doll to please him with? I got my answer almost immediately as he manhandled me onto my hands and knees.

"Give me that sweet little hole."

I let Ray guide me into place. On all fours, I felt like a dog, but at least I didn't have to look at him. No need to fake my expressions or kiss him. This was an impersonal position with my bum in the air. Exposed, but equally able to hide my distaste.

"Wow. Look at those arse cheeks." He said.

Was this talk supposed to excite me? It didn't. I feel like a slab of meat. In my head, I saw Anna's bum. Would Ray prefer to be...

"Uhh."

He was pushing into me. His fingers squeezing into the flesh on my hips to hold me in place. I felt as though I was being impaled.

"Oh god."

A cry of discomfort he would interpret as joy. I hoped.

I braced myself, locking my arms to stay in place as he did his thing. That ugly thick thing invading me with each animalistic grunt. I hated it. Like his attention to my mouth, it was a long-winded affair that I had to endure for what seemed forever.

He was driving himself into me harder and harder, his flesh slapping against mine with the sound of thunderclaps that rang in my ears. My arms began to ache.

"Uh. Uh. Uh."

Ray was taking what a man needed, answering that primitive urge beyond his control that a wife had to satisfy even when children weren't the intention. Again and again, his penis forced its way into my most private of places as the bed rocked under me and my breasts swung wildly.

"Uh. Uhh. God."

I grunted like an animal with each thrust. The wind driven from my lungs. Again I saw Anna in my head. Her big boobs swinging under her where my little ones just jiggled. I was sure that would be more exciting for Ray. And so would her cries of passion.

"Oh. Ahh. Uh."

I tried to sound more exciting, but it just wasn't pleasurable to me. It was rough and my vagina was dry. No matter how much I tried, I hated it.

Over and over, Ray invaded me. Fast and forceful until I couldn't keep myself upright any longer. I fell forward onto my stomach with my face buried in the pillow. Ray's entire weight tumbled after me, pressing me down as his attack continued, driven by muscular hips rocking to and fro.

Hands forced their way under me and clasped my breasts. Fingers that dug uncomfortably into my soft flesh. His knees edged my legs apart and his thrusting continued.

"Uh. Uh. Uh."

Each snatched breath was squeezed from me until I felt him tense. A warmth flooded my private place and he collapsed pressing even more weight onto me. Pinning me in place.

I lay there under him, trying to judge how long was long enough before I pushed him off. Between my legs I felt him soften and slip out I cringed again. The sticky wet organ slid over my thigh leaving a slimy trail like a big ugly slug.

"That was good." He said with a satisfaction I couldn't fathom.

I went to the bathroom as soon as he rolled away and wiped his horrid semen away. I watched as the tissue swirled in the flushing water and vanish from the toilet bowl. It was over for another few days.

I went back to bed. Ray was drifting off and I gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you, darling." I whispered.

Another pretence.

I lay in the dark, cursing myself for not being the wife I should be. Questioning why something that should be pleasurable seemed to disgust me so much.

Anna came back into my thoughts. I imagined her with her mouth around her boyfriend's manhood. She always seemed so happy, cracking jokes and making sexual innuendos. I laughed along with it because it was normal behaviour. I couldn't think she would be so reluctant to have her throat filled with a man's seed. I shuddered at the thought. It was wrong. Semen wasn't supposed to be in the mouth. It wasn't what nature intended. I closed my eyes and forced the thoughts away.

Now I had a secondary problem. Between my legs, an unanswered call rumbled away. It wasn't that I didn't have sensations and needs. Just that I hated Ray supposedly answering them. He didn't answer them. And not just Ray. Any man would have the same effect. I was much happier and more satisfied alone. My groin was angry that it would have to wait until the morning for true satisfaction to be delivered in private. That just made it hard to sleep.

Perhaps we should get a shower.

"Can I ask you something?"

My failings were still troubling me when I met up with my elder sister for a coffee the next day. I stared at my blueberry muffin as I broached the subject.

"Anything. That's what a big sis is for."

I glanced around the coffee shop. We were tucked in a corner by the big glass frontage. No one was close enough to hear over the harsh discord of chatting voices filling the premises. I swallowed back my reticence to speak up.

"Do you like sex?"

Mindy smirked. A whole face smirk that left a glow in her eyes. That alone told me the answer before she even spoke.

"I mean. Really like it? With a man?

Or do you just pretend?"

I kind of hoped that it was a pretence. That everyone who said they liked it was just lying in some great conspiracy. At least then I'd feel normal.

"Do bears shit in the woods? Of course, I fucking like it. Best thing in the world."

"Really? You don't just do it because it's expected? I mean, I know what you've always said. But is it what you really think? Or do you just pretend it's something... fantastic?"

Mindy seemed amused and I started to wish I hadn't asked.

"Are you joking? There's nothing better than a good session. Getting all hot and sweaty between the sheets. Or being taken over the sofa if the mood takes you. And then that ...feeling.

Ooh. Makes me shudder thinking about it."

I dipped my eyes. Yes, there was something wrong with me. I could never feel like that. When I looked up Mindy was studying me, her eyes searching me out.

"What's wrong?" She asked softly.

"Oh, I don't know. Just... some of the things Ray wants me to do. I'm... I..."

"You don't like them?"

"No. I don't." I said honestly.

"Wanna give me a for instance?"

I coloured up. We talked about almost everything. But sex wasn't an easy subject for me, even with Mindy. It was always her that talked dirty. I just smiled and played along generally. Even as a teen when she'd been keen to share her experimental adventures I'd just listened. But then it all sounded exciting. A promise of unbound joy that waited in my future.

Today I answered anyway. And truthfully.

"What about when a guy puts it in your mouth?"

"A blowjob?

Yeah. Love it."

"Don't you find it disgusting?"

"No. Of course not."

It was the answer I'd expected. I just wished for once it'd been different. One that made me feel less of a freak.

"Sucking a big fat cock is great. I give it my A-game. Love the way they squirm. Make eye contact and they're putty in your hands. Well. Mouth, I suppose, but you get my meaning."

"What about when... you know."

She was trying not to laugh at me.

"When they ejaculate."

"When they cum girl. Ejaculate is something your teacher said in Sex Ed. In the real world, they cum, shoot a load, squirt, bust a nut."

I screwed my nose up. That wasn't language I felt comfortable with.

"Swallow it, girl. They love it. Christ I know I do.

That, or cover your face and tits. Both are good.

Now if you're really good you can get him to lick his own cum off your tits." She said teasingly.

"Ew. That's really disgusting." I pulled a face.

Mindy took hold of my hand and gave it a comforting squeeze.

"What's this about?

Are you... having problems?"

She gave me her serious look. Genuine concern.

"No." I said too quickly.

"I just wondered."

She shrugged. She didn't believe me but was too nice to push it. She sat back and sipped her coffee.

"It's not for everyone. Perhaps it's just not your thing.

I always thought...

No. Never mind."

"Always thought what?" I asked.

"Doesn't matter."

She changed tack too quickly for me to press her to say whatever it was that'd been on her mind.

"Remember Scott?

He used to face fuck me. Right in the back of the throat."

"Mindy. Too much information."

She giggled.

"You nearly caught us once."

"Did I?"

"Yeah. I was sucking him off in his car outside the house and you came out."

She was laughing.

"Good job it was dark. You didn't see us parked in the road. I saw you go past just as he put his load down my throat."

"Mindy. No.

You're putting me off my cake."

I didn't want the image in my head. She was laughing at me again.

"He was the best."

I broke up the remaining half of my muffin and put a small piece in my mouth trying not to think about slimy man stuff on my tongue.