The Girlfriend

"I don't remember which one was Scott. There were so many."

"Not that many. I was a bit wild for a while but I can still count on one hand how many I've shagged."

I raised my eyebrows. I wasn't so sure. I pushed the last piece of the blueberry muffin into my mouth and washed it down the final dregs of coffee.

"Okay. Maybe one or two more I sucked off. That's not a lot in this age."

"It is for me."

Mindy smirked.

"And I did mix them up a bit. Two on the go at one point. Only a for a few months though."

"Mindy."

She was teasing me. I knew that. But it did hurt that she had juggled two men when I'd been unable to even get a kiss at the time. However, the thought of two men doing what Ray did... ew. One was bad enough.

Mindy's concern returned and she gave my hand another squeeze.

"Look.

All I can say is relax. Watch some porn together.

If you get horny enough everything's fun."

"I don't watch porn. Not any more."

I had when I was a curious virgin. Now I knew for a fact it was as disgusting as it looked, I didn't.

Mindy's eyes burned into me and I had that feeling she had something she wasn't saying again.

"You should. You might work out what it is you really like."

She glanced at the time.

"I gotta go. Can't be late picking Adam up from nursery."

We hugged outside the shop before going our separate ways. Mindy taking one last opportunity to tease me.

"Suck his dick, Mandy. He'll love it. And don't forget his balls."

"Pervert." I laughed pretending everything was normal.

"Go and get Adam."

Inside I wasn't laughing. I was feeling sorry for myself. And horrified at the idea of having something even worse in my mouth. That ugly shrivelled bag was just gross.

Walking back I found myself looking at the young women around me. I was picking out the pretty ones and picturing them doing the things that I so hated.

A couple in their late teens passed me. They were holding hands and giggling. She wouldn't be staring at the wall wishing he'd hurry up later. She had big boobs. I wished for a moment I had. Perhaps Ray would have been happy rubbing his thing between them. That brought me back to Anna. She could easily do that to her man.

A particularly slim girl dressed in a yellow jacket caught my eye. She had a tattoo around her neck and a trendy septum nose piercing. She couldn't have been more than nineteen or twenty. Ever so pretty. But it was her full, almost pouting lips that held my attention. I stopped, glancing her over as she looked into a shop window. Long legs in tight denims, a pert bum and small breasts. I imagined there were other tattoos I couldn't see. Nothing gaudy, just tasteful designs like the one I could see. Then I was back to those lips. They couldn't be natural. Those had to be enhanced. They weren't trout lips by a long way. Just very full. Soft and puffy. Almost certainly they were benefiting from fillers.

There was only one reason I could imagine a girl would have that done. Like Mindy, she had no problem taking a man in her mouth. To her, it was probably as joyous as it was for my sister. Was I the only girl that didn't want to do it?

The girl looked around and caught me staring. Gorgeous blue eyes locked on mine, but instead of being discomforted by me, she smiled.

A tingle raced up my spine and I looked away quickly, hurrying along the street as I coloured up with embarrassment.

Three

Another week passed and thankfully Ray didn't touch me. Instead, I was able to be a homemaker. Cooking and faffing around like a housewife. That part of marriage I was good at.

Ray was hardly there, to be honest. Long hours and a briefcase full of work when he was home. I don't know what I expected marriage to be. I sort of wanted more of his attention. I wanted him to be sweet, bring me flowers, and spend time with me. I just didn't want him to touch me too often.

"I've put the new quilt set on the bed for you. Do you want me to wash the old ones or throw them?"

I smiled as Anna came into the kitchen rambling away as she always did.

"Thank you.

No. Just throw them. They're well past their best."

I poured her a coffee and handed her the mug.

Anna grinned as she took a seat. I couldn't help but see how pretty she was. Natural with soft skin and a nicely shaped mouth.

"Thank you.

"Too much rumpy pumpy keeping that husband of yours sweet." She smirked.

"That's what's wearing the sheets out.

What is it? Three years now? You're doing well avoiding the marriage curse."

"Marriage curse?"

"You know. Ol'man too tired, or the headaches that mysteriously come on at bedtime." She laughed.

"Is that how it is for you?"

Somehow I was hopeful that my abysmal sex life wasn't as unique as I thought. Anna smirked and disappointed me.

"No. I'm not stupid enough to be married."

I ran my eyes over her thighs as she crossed her legs. I saw her big boobs pressing against her tight top as she leaned forward and propped her elbows on the table.

"I'm staying that way. Stay single and replace your man regularly. That's my secret."

Another one enjoying her youth. Just like Mindy had.

"That's what you do? Lots of boyfriends?"

"I wouldn't say lots. But a little variety keeps things exciting."

She was grinning wildly.

"You know. Like when you were young and carefree. Before Ray."

I smiled.

"Yeah."

I was never young and carefree. I'd become a frigid spinster the moment I hit puberty. Again I was looking at Anna's sweet face imagining her doing the things I hated.

"But I'm married now. One man is all I need."

Anna sipped her coffee.

"I suppose it'll happen for me one day. But I'm having too much fun right now.

Swipe left, swipe right.

Suck a new cock on a Friday night."

"Anna." I exclaimed in shock.

"Sorry."

"Don't you just want to cuddle on the sofa with someone? Share your thoughts and just be happy in each other's company? It's not all about sex surely?"

She feigned considering my words.

"Yeah, it is."

I faked a smirk and kept my sad secrets.

"Quilt sets aren't expensive. I'll be buying a few more yet." I said to keep up the pretence I was just like her. Normal.

Inside I was tearing myself up.

"It's the knees that do it." She grinned before making a masturbation gesture with her hand.

I reddened. Whatever was wearing the sheets out it certainly wasn't me on my knees. Just like Mandy, this girl had her pick of men and was enjoying sex. What was so wrong with me?

"You wear them out. I'll change them." She continued before drinking more of her coffee.

"You want me to hoover?"

"No. I did it yesterday. Leave it this week."

"Mandy. You pay me to do the housework. You're supposed to sit back and relax."

"I get bored."

"You didn't do the bathroom I hope?"

"No. That one's for you."

She swallowed the last of her coffee and jumped up.

"Good. Don't want Ray saying I'm not earning my money."

"I won't tell."

I watched her rushing off to finish cleaning. She had a spring to her step. All that energy in her small bubbly frame. I imagined it turned on a young man. While I lay still letting Ray do his thing, wishing it was over, I expected Anna to be enthusiastically bouncing wildly on whoever the boyfriend of the week might be. Or on her knees enjoying his thing in her mouth like it was a sweet-tasting lollipop.

Sometimes I wondered what it would have been like to be born a man. Perhaps I could have enjoyed sex more. Sticking my pee pee in someone like Anna. Men seemed to have the real pleasure, powerfully holding their female down and doing just as they wanted.

When Thursday came around Ray was away for a couple of nights with work and I took the opportunity to visit Mum and Dad.

Mindy answered the door when I got there. She lived on her own these days but spent a lot of time at our old home. A single mother to a four-year-old. Adam. He was busy spreading Lego all over the front room as I went through towards the kitchen.

"Warning. Mum's on one today." Mindy whispered in my ear.

I knew what that meant. I just hoped I wouldn't be the target of her err.

"Mandy."

Dad greeted me from behind his newspaper. I leaned over and gave him a peck on the cheek as I went by.

"Dad.

What's new today?"

I asked tapping the back of the tabloid before bouncing into a seat at the table. Home was the one place I felt myself.

"Same old shite.

Government screwing us over to pay for pipe dreams and benefit scroungers."

"Those pipe dreams are keeping Ray in a job." I joked.

"Another reason to cut back." Mum interjected.

"Perhaps then he'd be with you more often when you visit."

I sighed. She didn't much like him so why be so concerned that he wasn't with me?

"He's away on business until tonight." I said hoping she'd shut up.

The hope that she might choose some other target faded fast.

"Of course he is.

You let that man treat you like a doormat."

"He works hard." I protested in his defence.

"So did Graham." Mindy muttered with more than a little sarcasm.

Mindy had been cheated on. Her husband had slept with a colleague before, during and after her short-lived marriage.

"It's not like that."

She didn't push it any further. Mindy was my best friend as well as my sister. She knew when to stop. Mum didn't though.

"You should put your foot down." She went on.

Dad buried himself into his paper even deeper. He was probably the one I took after the most. He didn't like conflict. A good man who provided for his family and kept a nice home with his DIY skills. Those I didn't have.

Mum was the one who had a fire in her belly. The one we feared as small children when we were naughty. And even now she was the one who spoke her mind.

"If he wants to be a husband he should be at home. It's all very well having a big posh house but what's the point if he's never in it?"

Mindy slipped past, brushing her hand over my arm as she went.

"Sorry." She whispered.

Sensibly she decided it was better to go play with Adam than listen to mum's tirade.

"I've got one daughter who can't keep a man. I don't need another one."

"You make it sound like Mindy was at fault." I was starting to get angry.

"It takes two in a marriage. And if one is straying then ask yourself why?"

"That's unfair." I snapped.

For Mindy it certainly was. She hadn't been lacking in the bedroom department when Graham had decided he wanted an extra helping.

"And Ray isn't Graham. He works hard. His job is important."

"More important than his family? I don't see any more grandchildren, do you?"

"We aren't ready for children yet."

"You're twenty-eight. He's almost fifty. Your dad's only a few years older than him.

A kid wants a father. Not two grandads."

Mum just hated that I'd married a man so much older than me. I rolled my eyes.

"Am I just here to be shouted at?"

"Perhaps you should just leave it, love." Dad offered putting his paper down.

"I won't leave it."

Mum was in no mood to stop.

"I'm sorry Mandy but sometimes you need to be told the truth. Stop being a bloody doormat for once in your life."

I'd heard that so many times. Doormat, mug, weak. All amounted to the same thing. It hurt because deep down there was truth. I was weak. I did let people push me around.

Mum pushed a mug of fresh tea in front of me. It sloshed but some magic power stopped it from breaking over the sides. I looked at it but suddenly I didn't want it.

"I can't listen to any more of this. I'm going home."

I snatched up my bag and walked away.

"Bye, Dad."

Behind me, Mum was fuming. She'd calm down and next time this would be forgotten. At least for a while.

"Park on Monday." Mindy called out as I went past.

I didn't answer.

I was surprised to see Ray's car in the drive. He'd come home early from his trip. That raised a smile as I hunted for my key. Perhaps we could go for an afternoon coffee somewhere, or a walk along the river. That was the kind of thing I liked about marriage. Companionship.

I kicked my shoes off expecting him to appear. Perhaps he was in the garden.

A noise from upstairs caught my attention. He was up there. I sighed at the fear he was packing for another trip and started up the stairs.

More noises. Not ones I was ready to identify.

For a moment I hesitated, just listening. I wanted to call out to him but stopped myself. Instead, I crept up the stairs with growing trepidation. I didn't want to accept it but the sounds were becoming unmistakable. And they were growing with each step.

Please. Not Anna.

My heart was skipping as I pushed open the bedroom door, letting it swing back under its own steam. Fear of what I'd see gripped me as it silently swept clear. I prayed I was misinterpreting the noise in my ears. That I was suffering some mental aberration. Right up until I had no option but to accept it.

I froze, not even breathing as my eyes fell on the sleek bare back of a young woman sitting astride of someone. That was how I thought of it. A someone. A stranger. I still couldn't believe it was Ray.

They didn't notice me straight away and for a moment I stared at this woman moving up and down, gasping in arousal. Long blonde hair cascaded down her back in perfectly set waves. A rounded arse lifted so that I was treated to the pornographic image of a man's penis entering her. Sliding into her again and again.

I think she saw me in the mirror. She stopped dead and spun around in as much shock as I was in.

I saw Ophelia. Rays secretary. Naked. Her breasts swung as she leapt from the bed.

"Fuck." She screamed.

Then my eyes went to the man she'd been having sex with. He was sitting up.

All of it played out in slow motion. A silent movie. There was no mistaking it any longer. Ray was sitting up, looking straight at me, his mouth saying something I didn't hear. All I could think was how disgusting he looked naked with his penis sticking into the air like a post waving in the wind.

With a rush, reality came back. I was hit with a cacophony of noise and fast-moving imagery that overloaded my senses.

Ophelia was screaming. Ray shouted my name. Something horrendous was coming from my own mouth.

Ophelia was snatching clothes up. All long legs and swaying boobs, even naked the bitch managed to look perfect. I turned and ran as my vision blurred behind a sudden curtain of tears. I almost fell down the stairs, snatching at my shoes as I rushed past. The front door hit me on the side of the head, slowing me for a second. Then I was outside in the cold again.

I gasped deep breaths and a wail rose from my throat. In one bleak moment, my world had come crashing down. I couldn't face the inside of that house right now and I started walking on autopilot, still with my shoes in my hand.

Perhaps the park was a safe space. I don't know why I'd headed there. It was my meet with Mindy. It was where Adam could run about and play on the old equipment. But they weren't here today. It was just me.

I sat on the bench in a daze and looked at what was essentially a Victorian playground that hadn't changed that much since I'd played here with my sister.

The fun police had long ago consigned the merry-go-round to history. I had fond memories of spinning around on that only to come away dizzy, wobbling on my feet until I fell to the grass giggling. Crazy how as kids we like to make ourselves nauseous.

The two differently-sized slides were still there, as were the see-saw and the swings. They were painted in brighter colours than I remembered, and a rubberised surface now surrounded everything in a twenty-first-century safety blanket. But I could still see it as it used to be. Slightly rusting and surrounded by grass that became a dust bowl in the summer under the repeated attack of infant feet.

The trees beyond looked just the same. Just as green as I remembered, if perhaps a little smaller. No. That had to be me being grown up. If anything they should be taller. They'd turn that rich russet brown in a few weeks, before falling to shrivel and decay.

Just as my marriage had.

Then overlayed on my vision came the image of Ophelia. Her slender naked body. That blonde hair so immaculately fashioned into soft waves. Her face, painted to movie-star proportions. And those perfectly formed breasts Ray had been so happily grasping.

The tears came in a flood I couldn't hold back. Was I so unattractive? So plain that she could take my husband right from under my nose? Why did no man fancy me? Not even the only one I thought had?

Again I blamed myself. It was me who couldn't do what other women did. I wasn't ignorant. I knew Ray wanted me to take his penis in my mouth and let him ejaculate. I knew he wanted to put it where nature hadn't intended. I'd seen porn clips. I'd listened to Mindy telling me how much fun it all was and how her various boyfriends couldn't get enough of her body.

Of course, Ray had looked elsewhere when his wife hardly even wanted to open her legs for him. It wasn't as if I didn't have the urges. I did. And I loved the feeling it gave me. But only when it didn't include Ray.

It was late when I ventured back. Driven there by the coldness of the autumn evening. Ray had taken a change of clothes in his overnight bag and gone. It didn't take Sherlock Holmes to know where. I was alone in what suddenly seemed a very large, empty space.

I made a coffee on autopilot and sat at the kitchen table holding the mug. At some point, I would have to tell Mum. No. Mindy first. I'd need support from big sis. Someone who'd already gone through this. Someone who could tell me what I should do.

Then of course came the thoughts of reconciliation. What if I begged him to come back? If I forgave him? It was that awful Ophelia's fault after all. He'd just been weak.

I didn't go to bed. The thought of sleeping on the scene of the crime was too sickening. Instead, I curled up on the sofa with a Throw pulled over me and cried again. I didn't sleep much. The image of Ophelia just kept coming back to me. All I saw in the darkness was her perfectly made-up face. Her breasts and legs. I was haunted by my imagination of her lips around Ray's penis or of her gasping with joy at having her bum hole...

I remembered Ray trying that with me. I'd screamed and pushed him away. I wished I'd let him now. I wished I'd just done all the things he wanted and pretended no matter how much they disgusted me. Was it too much to ask of me that I accept an hour or so of discomfort each week?

As I dosed I even considered letting him sleep with Ophelia. Accepting his infidelity so long as he came home to me. If he did it with her he might leave me alone. He had married me. It was me he wanted to spend time with. Ophelia was just for sex I told myself. Could that arrangement work? But was that a marriage?

It wasn't until the next morning that I ventured upstairs to stare at the bed. It was a crumpled mess. The new bottom sheet and quilt Anna had put on there only a few days before. Two pillows were thrown on the floor.

I teared up again at the memory of them. Of the immaculate Ophelia. So sexy and keen to please Ray in ways I couldn't. I wondered how long it'd been going on. Did he think of her while he had sex with me? How could he not? Ophelia was so perfect. Was that why it had taken him so long the last time? Thoughts of her? Or had it been that I didn't arouse him sufficiently to relieve himself?

I picked up a pillow and held it, sniffing it. I smelt Ray. But stronger was the smell of her. I threw it on the bed. Anna would have to change it when she came in. I couldn't. Not knowing what had gone on in it.

I hated Ophelia even more. Worse. I envied her. I wanted to be just like her. Not the mousey housewife excuse for a spouse that I was.