The Heart Wants Ch. 10-13

She took another drink, her eyes lost in thought, "And we went out. I had so much fun." She smiled, shaking her head, "And we ended up at her place, playing video games and drinking wine. The next morning, I woke up in her bed naked. I kind of had a panic moment, like I was thinking, this isn't me!" She shook her head, "And then I looked over at her sleeping and something in my heart just snapped and I realized that I loved her. I realized that I couldn't walk away from her..."

Her face got sad... "And then I fucked it up. We'd been together for about three months, and I got this... I don't know... obsession..." her voice lilted, making the word a question, "I ended up in bed with this guy from my Calc class. It was fun, but in the morning, I hated myself. I ran to Laurel, and I told her about what I had done, and I begged for her to forgive me..."

Listening to her story, I found myself leaning forward, enraptured by her...

She looked at me and smiled, "And she forgave me." Her eyes dropped, staring at the table, "And I gave up men, and I was faithful to her... but I don't know... something just kept pushing in my mind..." her eyes snapped back up to me, "Laurel caught it before I did. She took me out to a bar, and she pointed out a guy. I remember, I was so angry at her as she started gushing about how cute he was, like she was trying to tempt me."

She looked up at me, vulnerability in her eyes for the first time, "She just kept on leaning on me about it, asking me if I thought he was cute. I got so angry I stormed out. When we got home, she explained to me that she saw it, that she knew I was tempted, and she told me that she didn't expect me to be only with her. That she didn't own me... she told me that what I was feeling was normal, that it was healthy and that she just wanted me to be happy...

"That first time was so hard for me. I wanted it so much but there was some part of my mind that was screaming at me that it was a test, a test I was failing... but I went home, and I told Laurel what I had done and she just got really excited. She wanted me to tell her about it... she got..." her eyes speared into me, "really excited about it..."

She took another sip, "After that it was easier, and I do enjoy it. I love being with Laurel, but I also like being with men. I don't know why. I used to think about it, used to drive myself insane with it, used to tear myself apart inside just trying to wrap my head around how terrible of a person I was, that someone as spectacularly perfect as Laurel is wasn't enough for me. I used to hate myself for loving her with all of my heart and yet want to share my body with someone that wasn't her..."

I saw her eyes begin to tear up, saw her mask crack, I wanted to scream to her to stop, that I didn't want to hear anymore...

I didn't dare.

I realized then, she needed this. She had never cracked this poisoned well open. She had never let anyone inside this wall, full as it was of blood and puss...

She needed someone to help her clean it out.

Her eyes snapped up to me and something in them... changed. That feral look came back... her breathing quickened.

She set her glass on the table and stood.

Holding her hand out to me she said, "Come on. I want to show you something."

I raised an eyebrow at her, "What?"

She gave me one terse nod, "You want to understand me?"

I thought about it, turning it over in my mind, finally, I decided I did really want to understand, it was all just so foreign... so... weird...

Taking her hand, I followed her.

She led me to the elevator in silence...

We stopped at the door to her room without a word exchanged between us...

I put a hand on her arm, "What are we doing?"

She turned back to me, "I just want to show you something. Something that will make you understand what I'm talking about."

My eyes narrowed at her...

She rolled her eyes as she slipped her card into the door, "Come on, don't be a pussy."

Laughing while I shook my head I followed her into the room. As soon as I cleared the threshold, she swung the door closed at me. I barely managed to side step it as it flew towards me.

The instant it closed, she was on me. She attacked me like an animal, shoving me roughly into the wall as her mouth exploded against mine. For the second time that day, her tongue explored the inside of my mouth. I felt her leg slide up the side of mine...

Some part of me wanted to fight her...

The bigger part of me however, told that part to shut the fuck up.

Without thinking I felt my hands slide around her back, pulling her in tighter to me. Her mouth was like heaven on mine, her tongue daring in its exploration of my mouth, flicking in and out like a hummingbird's wing fluttering.

The sensation was too much for me...

My hands slid down, feeling her tight ass as my fingers ran over it...

I scooped her up, her legs spreading around me as I carried her further into the room. Something about the situation felt so familiar... so warm... so intimate...

And then I remembered... I had done the exact same thing with Laurel, not two days ago...

I found myself stopping, my legs pressed against the bed. I pulled my face away from hers, "No. Wait... stop."

She leaned back, a wicked smile on her face, her hands wrapping in my shirt. I was still holding her up in the air, her legs wrapped tight around me, exciting the ever-loving shit out of me down there...

Her smile broadened, "Not having fun?"

"I... uh... no... I mean... yeah..." I managed to stutter out, "Rachel, we can't. Laurel."

Her smile got wider, "Nope."

With that, she snapped her body back, her hands still wrapped in my shirt. The sudden shift in our center of balance pulled me down, her landing on the bed, me landing on top of her. I was well aware of my erection jamming into her, sending a sudden shock of pleasure and anticipation into my body...

She used my moment of shock to flip us around, me to my back, her spread eagle over the top of me, her hips jamming deliciously into mine. Her mouth was on mine again, hot and wet. Squirming to try and get away from her all I managed to do was crawl deeper into the bed. She followed me along, her mouth kissing mine, nipping at my jawline, nibbling at my neck... driving me insane.

I tried desperately to keep my hands off of her, knowing that if I had allowed them to go roaming I would never stop...

I turned my head away from her kisses, moaning, "Rachel... stop... please..."

Desperately, I forced my mind to turn to Laurel... my beautiful, wonderful Laurel.

She won't mind! My desperate brain screamed at me, Fuck! She practically told you to!

I forced my mind away from that track, desperately laying my arms out across the bed, lying limp while Rachel did everything in her power to make me move...

I shook my head weakly, "Rachel... please stop..."

Her nose nuzzled into my neck as she kissed me, as she licked my neck, as she drove me fucking insane, "It'll be okay... Laurel won't mind... she'll be happy..." she panted into my shoulder as her hips ground into mine, sending delicious shivers of pleasure through my body...

My breathing was like a bellows, my heart like thunder in my chest I wanted her so badly... "It's not her... I'm not... I'm not worried about her being... upset... I just..."

My brain derailed as she lined my up with her in an especially delicious way...

And then I felt her hands on my zipper...

It was like an electrical shock hit my body. My hands snapped up, grabbing her wrist as my voice found its steel, "Rachel. I said stop. That's enough."

My eyes found hers, seeing the amusement in her eyes. I watched that amusement turn sour...

She's going to be so fucking pissed... I thought to myself in panic.

Instead, her face changed, her face smoothing, her eyes going wide...

She spun off of me, sitting, her face in her hands...

What I had seen on her face, a mixture of horror and embarrassment...

"I'm so sorry!" Her voice was gentle, calm even.

I slid up the bed, putting my back to the headboard, giving her some space.

She shook her head, "I'm so embarrassed..."

I realized then, what she needed wasn't space, it was a friend. She needed someone to tell her that what she was feeling was okay. That there was no harm in what she had done. Sliding across the bed, I let one leg droop over the edge, the other folded beneath it, touching her butt. I put one hand on each of her shoulders as she shook her head, her face hidden by her hands...

"Hey, it's okay..." I cooed at her, "I didn't mean to embarrass you..."

I could hear her first sob and felt a crack in my heart, "I'm so sorry... I just wanted you to understand... I wanted you to understand what I felt. How I could be with another person when I still loved Laurel..."

I scooted a little closer to her, wrapping my arms around her, pulling her close, "I get it. I know."

I sat there, thinking about what she was saying, thinking about what she had been trying to tell me. Thinking about the lesson that she had just shown me, the intimate look into her life that she had allowed herself to share with me...

"I understand now..." My voice was low, intimate.

Her head shook, her tears really flowing now, "No. No you don't. You don't feel it too..."

I pulled her head closer to me, "Hey now... shhhh... it's okay. I do understand..."

"No. You can't understand. If you understood, you wouldn't have been able to tell me no..."

I let her cry herself out. There was nothing more I could say to her, or at least nothing I could say to her that she would understand. I couldn't very well tell her I loved her girlfriend. I got the feeling that Rachel was tolerant of many things, but I very much doubted that she would be cool with Laurel hanging out with, much less having sex with, a man that was deeply in love with her. There was open minded, and then there was outright suicidal insanity.

After a few minutes, she finally calmed down a little, her tears starting to wind down. She wrapped her arms around my arms, pulling me closer to her. I for my part, just held her, offering nothing more than simple comfort.

My head started to slowly dip down, sleep and exhaustion finally taking hold of my life...

Finally, I felt my cheek land on her head.

She looked up, her face turning to one filled with sympathy, "Oh god! You look so tired... I'm so sorry..."

I shook my head at her, "No, it's okay... this is important..."

She wrapped her hand in my shirt and pulled me close, "No, it's not," standing abruptly she pulled me up, "come on, let's get you into bed..."

As I stood, I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her in for a hug. We stood that way for a while, my arms wrapped tight around her, hers wrapped loosely around me. Finally, after a good long while, she disentangled herself from me, pulling away.

Looking up at me, she tucked her loose hair behind her ears, "I'll leave you alone. I'll go get another room for myself."

Putting my hands on her shoulders, I shook my head, "Don't be stupid. Stay here with me, I can make a little nest for myself on the floor."

She put her hand into my shirt, reaching between the buttons at about chest height, "Who's being stupid now? If I stay, you're sleeping with me."

I raised my eyebrows at her, intending it to be a joke, something to break the tension.

She looked down, suddenly self-conscious again...

"Just sleep..." her voice was low and hollow, "maybe some cuddling?"

I pulled her in for another hug, realizing that right now, what she needed was human contact. Her confidence had been badly shaken, and as much as I regretted hurting her, I knew I had made the right choice.

We each got ready for the night in our own way. She took her bag, and went off into the bathroom, telling me she intended to take a shower before bed. I, for my part, stood next to the bed in the bedroom and just stripped out of my too nice clothes. Finally, once I had gotten down to my underwear, I slipped between the sheets, pulling one of the fairly nice hotel pillows beneath my head and trying to get comfortable. The bed was at once too soft, and too hard and some part of my skin crawled thinking of all the people that had slept there... all the things they had done there...

Trying to push that part of my obsessions down I focused on the soothing sound of water from the other room...

Closing my eyes, I could not help but paint a mental picture of her standing beneath the water. I watched her mentally as she washed her hair, sending waves of soapy suds down the curves of her body. Watched as she drew the bar of soap leisurely along those lines...

Just about the point that I had worked myself up mentally enough to really start regretting turning her down, the bathroom door opened, and Rachel came out. She was dressed in a long, pink silk nightshirt. It was a style with a low-cut front, that fell to about mid-thigh. The color of the nightshirt complemented her light skin and hair, and made her eyes, a deep blue pop just a little more. Her hair was wet, plastered to her scalp, and all of her makeup was gone, leaving me amazed at how beautiful she was without it...

I let my eyes travel down her body lazily, that part of me that had started to regret turning her down was really screaming at me for being a fool now...

She leaned against the wall separating the bedroom from the bathroom, giving me a lazy smile. Her eyes bored into me, assuring me that some part of her lost confidence had been regained, "Hey," she snapped her fingers, "eyes are up here mister..."

I looked up into her eyes again, feeling my body, my traitorous body, once again straining against the mental bars of its prison to make me let myself have her.

Smiling at her, I tilted my head, "You are beautiful. You look better without makeup," I paused, realizing I may have been committing a faux pau, "I mean, you're gorgeous with it, but..." I shook my head, "you're stunning without it. Absolutely stunning."

She shook her head, looking at the floor, "I really like you Link..."

I smiled, nodding as I pulled the covers back.

She crawled in with me, unexpectedly crawling over and cuddling up against me as I was reaching over to turn out the light. I jumped away from her a little, surprised.

She pulled back, "Is it... is it okay if I cuddle with you?" That look of doubt crawled back onto her face, "I'm sorry, I should have asked first."

I gave her a half smile as I turned the light out. Returning to my place in the bed, I pulled her in tight, deciding to let my actions speak louder than my words, "Totally fine. I just kind of thought you might be pissed at me. Kind of figured I'd get the cold shoulder..."

She squeezed herself in tighter to me, her hand plucking lazily at my chest hair.

Closing my eyes, I luxuriated in the feel of the heat of her body against me, the coolness of her wet hair as it pressed to my shoulder, the scent of her, fresh from cleaning herself...

I was exhausted, but all the same, I could feel myself responding to her physically...

I tried to force my brain out of that channel, to attempt to get my brain to just put that call on hold and let me go to sleep. Much as I tried, I could not get that part of my brain to stop bouncing against the bars and let me drift off...

"You love her, don't you, Laurel I mean?" Her voice was quiet, filled with doubt and pain.

I tried to laugh it off, "Of course I love her, she's my friend."

"I don't mean like that." She sighed, "I mean..." her voice lilted a bit, "you really, really love her. Like that type of love that makes people do stupid shit, don't you?"

I almost said no. I really, really tried to make myself lie to her. For all I was worth, I wanted to lie to her...

"I do." My voice was low, filled with the well of doubt I felt chewing at my soul...

She snuggled in deeper to me, and for a split second, my brain shut off, my eyes starting to drift closed...

"Are you going to take her from me?" Her voice was soft, filled with pain as I felt the first tears from her eyes hit my chest, wet, and hot as acid.

I wrapped my arms around her tighter, pulling her against me, and thought about what she was saying. Part of me wanted to rail against it. To tell her I would never do such a thing. To assure her, to make her feel safe.

I would be lying though.

I would take Laurel from her... if I could.

Lifting my right hand, I rubbed her head, letting my fingers play in her hair, "I couldn't take her from you if I wanted to, silly."

Her head shook lightly against my chest, "I think you could. I think you love her more than I do..." a small sob escaped her, "I don't want to lose her..."

A little chuckle escaped me, "Rach... it doesn't matter if I love her more than you do or not... it matters who she loves, and she loves you. That isn't going to change, there's nothing I could do to make it change."

The realization of that fact smashed home on me like an anvil dropped out of an airplane...

The hopelessness of it.

My eyes drifted closed again and I almost lost myself to sleep, but something pulled me back, "Besides, I don't think I love her more than you do. I think I love her differently than you do."

I heard her stifle another sob, her head shaking against my chest, "I couldn't have done what you did tonight. I couldn't turn it off like that... I would have... but you... you just... for her..."

I shifted, forcing her up, and slid down facing her. I pressed my head against hers, our foreheads touching, our noses just barely kissing.

Taking her hand, with my left hand, the hand beneath me, I wrapped my fingers in hers. I felt a tear slide past my nose, her tear...

"And I couldn't be with a man for her, not the way you are with a woman for her." I searched the dark for her eyes, seeing nothing but blackness... "We each love in our own way Rachel. You love Laurel in her way, and she loves you in hers. I love her in my way..."

She slid a little closer to me, her hand, the one not entwined in mine slipping out, her fingertips lilting softly on my chest, "And you and me?"

I was so tired I almost drifted off again, my eyes dropping, her voice startling me awake...

I put my right hand on her leg as she slid nearer, putting her leg up and over me. Our hands disentangled and I wrapped my arm beneath her head, feeling the coolness of her wet hair against my arm. I liked this better, she was close to me, and I was able to pull her close, to feel like I was holding her. My hand, against her leg, my fingers twitching as I let them massage her skin. Her skin felt so good. Tight muscle, surface like silk. My hand wandered up the outside of her leg, stopped only briefly by the hem on her nightie. Without thinking and drunk on the feeling, the texture of her skin, the sudden desire to put my hand on her back took me, but I knew I also wanted to feel her skin while I did it...

My hand slipped beneath her nightie, pausing as it slid over her hip, noticing that there was no feel of fabric as my hand wandered...

She wasn't wearing panties...

The desire to put my hand on her back disappeared, replaced instead with the powerful desire to feel her hip beneath my hand, to let my thumb trace the crease where her leg met her hip...

The urge to take her right then and there was so powerful I was nearly overwhelmed by it...

She giggled a bit, "I'm sorry... I'm really not trying to tease you... normally, I sleep naked, you're actually lucky I had the slip."

My lips found hers in the darkness, a kiss, light and gentle, my lips just barely brushing hers. Her hips slid nearer to me, her legs spreading wider...

I tried desperately not to think of what was between her legs...

Again, I kissed her, this time slipping my tongue into her mouth.