The Hired Gun Ch. 07

"DON'T YOU YELL IN THIS HOUSE GIRL; AND I'M GONNA WHUP YO' ASS FOR SNEAKING BOYS UP IN HERE!!" Martha shouted followed by the sound of furniture moving and some scuffling ending with a loud shriek.

[DARKNESS]

*******

"Well would you look at this happy horseshit." I was sitting in my bedroom at my laptop editing bay multi-tasking and keeping an eye on the social media accounts of several people.

My dimbulb Uncle Grady had created a shit storm for me after getting confirmation from an uncompromised P.I. that I was indeed messing around with his wife. Of course, it was all business with the obvious perk being pounding the holy hell out of his wife's humongous ass. At first glance Esther seemed to be clever on her end of things with a tracker and air tags installed on all of his vehicles. The idea was these measures along with a few other gadgets would allow us to work unimpeded.

Chaos theory reared its ugly head with the revelation that my uncle could learn too; thus, we were exposed and immediately shunned and excoriated. I'd learned that my uncle gathered up a lynch mob of relatives from dad's side of the family marching first to my former home rattling my mother in the process. I was incensed at this quickly finding out through third parties and social media that my father was out of the country on a vacation with his current lady love in the Turk and Caicos islands. His new girlfriend owned a travel agency. There was no doubt we'd clash when he returned.

Grady then turned up at the presidential suite of an airport hotel paid for by an overseas admirer with mountains of cash and her occasional sugar daddy. Other than the messy dissolution of the marriage, Esther was secure financially and then some with several accounts flush with cash and some crypto, too. Me, I wasn't hurting for money either, but found myself struggling between the two worlds I inhabited while doing a scrappy bang-up job of keeping my identity secret. My android started ringing.

"You ever heard the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" huh, young man?"

"Hello to you too; I had a legitimate reason for calling."

"Oh yeah, but you're not fooling no one."

"Can you uh, take care of it; and uh, I'm paying too." she started laughing gregariously as I heard some water splashing about in the background.

"Honey, you can't afford my retainer; so, consider this a favor."

"I can pay with head."

Loud laughter exploded from my android along with more sounds of splashing water. This lasted for a few minutes before she composed herself, already uncharacteristically whimsical in tone. I could hear more sounds of water splashing about letting my mind create the visual of her mature slim thick figure.

"That's a tall order, but you can rest assure I already took care of things with my particular brand of OCD, young man... or maybe I should call you the Educated Simp like everyone else, huh?"

"You can call me anything you want, but just call me."

"Careful, you are starting to convince me that I've made quite the impression on you over this weekend."

"Come over here and find out!"

"No young man, I'm going to have to be the responsible adult here and abstain on your behalf. If we keep it up, you're going to be in a wheel chair."

"One more round!"

"Stop it, I'm actually blushing."

"I'm hard."

"I'm going to ignore that and keep it professional; all of the involved parties will receive "Cease and Desist" correspondence online and by snail mail to make it stick. The consequences of breaching the privacy of persons listed has also been listed in layman's terms at your request, young man. So, if your online content leaks, we'll take everything they have in court. I understand some of these people are relatives, I'm afraid you're not going to be very popular with them going forward."

"That's not much of a loss, Angela."

"Understood; is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Yeah, let me get some of those tight buns."

"Stop it."

"One more round."

"No."

"Alright I understand if you're scared; so, uh, what're you doing right now?"

"Why?"

"Just tell me, Angela."

"Soaking, in my sauna." She answered audibly, taking a sip of wine.

"What's your address?" Angela Gilbert started giggling like a schoolgirl while I was sporting a renewed bar of steel below the belt.

"Bye."

"HEY WAIT-A-MINUTE!" Charity's mother ended the call leaving me wondering if she was tempted to go another round with me after putting in work earlier in the morning. I took a dick pic sending it to her but got no response outside of a smiling emoji. Both mother and daughter were beasts between the sheets.

I got back to work ignoring my tumescence letting it subside. Part of me was hoping my weekend fling would resume as I tapped away at my computer doing some considerable remote mischief. Uncle Grady not to be outdone by his wife's infidelity, responded with two or maybe three women intended as replacements for my Auntie Esther.

I edited a clip of the boorish seconds long clips sent to Esther managing to cobble together a barely three minute composition which I added to one of my burner tract phones. Uncle Grady shot out the lights starting a family feud with me, so I would shoot back with an online catapult full of his indiscretions. It took a good thirty minutes uploading a bunch of family members to my burner phone before the clip was dispersed, particularly to most of the older elderly women in the family.

I couldn't show my face around the family, and neither would he when it was all said and done.

"Chew on that, bitch." I still bristled after nuking my uncle's reputation.

My burner phone started ringing and I answered it without thinking, instantly regretting it.

"Hello?"

"Daquan; oh, you finally picked up after I've been texting you for hours! I thought you ghosted me! I was heated thinking you were playing in my face, but I guess you were busy, right? Walmart got you on those double shifts, right? It doesn't matter, so where are you taking me on our first date, babe?"

Andre's wife was on the other side of the line still interested after I'd obviously ghosted her. I'd intended to do more but found a game changer after trying to order her marriage certificate online from the city. I'd data mined her social media and other people in her friend and work groups preparing to deliver a coup DeGrace to her for exploiting her husband, Andre 13.5. Now, that wouldn't be necessary.

"Nah."

"Excuse me?"

"I ghosted you, Dayna." There was no point in continuing with the catfish situation; I already knew what was pretty much going on with the "happily married" couple.

"BITCH ASS NIGGA!! I'M GONNA GET YOU FUCKED UP FOR PLAYING IN MY FACE!!"

"How, bitch; I catfished your ugly midget ass, baby. If you fuck with me, I'll hack your shit up, and make your money funny, bitch. Want me to send all of them nasty ass videos you make with that dumb looking fool to your job, huh Dayna?! Want me to hit up that Linked In page for your stupid, narrow ass? How about your friends, your other niggas on snap who don't even know you're married? Oh yeah... YOU AIN'T EVEN MARRIED, MY NIGGA!! I could clean your bank account out right now if you keep acting brand new!! WANT ME TO SEND YOUR STUPID SEX TAPE TO YOUR FUCKING GRANDMOTHER?!!"

I hammed it up going into full moustache twirling villain mode as Dayna responded.

"Please don't."

"5769 WEST COTTAGE GROVE!! That place is a shithole, Dayna! How you gonna stick your fucking grandmother up in there after all she's done for you, huh bitch?!! She too good to live with you and that dumbass nigga working at Hotdog on a motherfucking stick?!! ANSWER ME, BITCH!! SPEAK DAYNA!!"

"She's got Alzheimer's." Her voice was mousy and wet.

"Dayna, I'm gonna ask you a question, okay?"

"Okay."

"Do you wanna end up working at Hotdog on a Stick?"

"No." She answered just above a whisper.

"Remember that." I hung up in her face turning off and disassembling the burner phone. I was so paranoid, I removed the battery and bagged it. Andre's phone started ringing almost right after I ended my fake relationship with the wayward wife. I wouldn't be interacting with her again if I could help it.

There was no marriage certificate.

I switched off Andre's phone dialing Jaquan. My call went straight to voicemail. He was still butthurt about my curt treatment of his bruised ego. He'd been sent on an errand to retrieve Andre and I wanted him to facetime me when he got there, but he'd gone into business for himself.

I continued working at my editing bay putting together the footage I'd actually shot of my now excommunicated auntie as her alter-ego, Mz. Giggles. I intended to price the twenty-five minute movie up just under what I was charging for her own sloppily shot sex tape. I was hamstrung due to her actions with my male online talents prompted by my uncle's boorish behavior. This would be the third movie sitting idle on my server until Esther was legally free of my uncle. That didn't change the fact that I needed some new content to make up for the old. Rashida Sikes came to mind, but I batted it away.

I wanted something new even considering asking Angela if it was okay to post her video gift to me.

Common sense prevailed as I went on to my next bit of mischief checking the social media page of one of my uncle's resident jump-offs.

I thought of that old adage about the cat being away and the mice playing as I perused a number of crappy pics and laughable twerking videos featuring the busted strippers he'd brought into the house after finding out about his wife's clandestine second life as an online adult performer and model. He'd purchased and downloaded all of her content and I had the receipts to prove it. I checked Esther's tier on my site finding that he'd bought the high priced episode as well. My uncle was looking more like an uber simp by the moment about to lose his shirt in karmic fashion. The mice were truly playing.

"Whoa."

While my uncle was out presumably hunting me down with a platoon of family goofs, his salacious cohorts had taken the opportunity to stunt using his home for a house party. I'd gained access to one of the strippers IG page finding a number of video clips and pics detailing her Jeffersons-like rise to the top in true rachet fashion as an urban sugar babies for a rich old simp; her words, not mine.

She'd posted a garish fake flyer for some of her friends and associates earlier in the day. I'd taken the flyer and posted it where it would get the most traction, after adding my uncle's address; something that was missing from the original.

Thus, something meant for a small group of people had been altered so that I would be able to move in the shadows to get what I wanted. Nobody picked up on my new flyer which predictably drew a larger crowd than was originally intended. I got dressed, packing my camera bag and rig along with Charity Gilbert's stun baton. I kept it under my hat from everyone else but was in possession of a Glock pilfered from my cousin Jaquan. I recognized it as formerly belonging to a certain baby mamma #2, supposedly not so infamous these days. I had a goal and a side mission designed to finish covering my ass.

"Hey, what's going on?" Esther picked up immediately, still sounding off kilter from the events of the day.

"I'll tell you when it's all said and done; can you do me a favor, auntie?"

"Is this gonna be somethin' kind of crazy?"

"Can't you just do it without question, auntie?" I could hear Esther fretting situationally sequestered in the presidential suite of an airport hotel paid for by her biggest fan, some middle eastern fellow a few countries over. It was weird because this wealthy guy sight unseen had been there from the start of her "career" as an adult performer online. The first seconds long clip I'd ever uploaded of Esther had this guy at hello, for lack of a better term. Now he was funding a golden parachute out of what had become an inconvenient marriage while my uncle was in full meltdown mode. Esther was soon to fly out of his life.

"I'll do what you want, but just know I ain't a looking for no more trouble today, boy. It's been crazy enough round here and the hotel management is close to tossing me out on my butt as it is; just tell me it ain't got nothing to do with Grady."

"It ain't got nothing to do with Grady." I deadpanned lying sort of by omission.

"Alright, what do you want me to do?"

"Make a phone call when I hit you back." I explained walking to the front door fishing out my car keys.

"THAT'S IT?!"

"Yeah."

"Now this ain't no kind of trick bag, is it boy? I uh, mean you ain't meddling me again, are you?"

"Trust me auntie."

"Uhm, okay." I ended the call without further word knowing she probably didn't trust me one bit knowing she was between a rock and a hard place until she got on that plane to her new life. I hit the freeway at a good clip speeding off to the northern burbs.

There was nothing that could prepare me for the intended results of my meddling in some women's online stunting as I drove down the block past Uncle Grady's home. I knew the minute I hit the block finding it congested with traffic backed up, some double parked along the normally quiet street. Both sides of the street were packed with teens and young adults some would classify as being from the wrong side of the tracks.

A lot of them looked shady and criminal minded as I sat four cars away from my uncle's home. I noticed a group of sisters with garish hair of various colors wearing the latest stripper wear strolling towards my uncle's home. Strains of "FNF" by Glorilla blasted from some speakers in the back of my uncle's house. I shook my head as I noticed some young brothers actually shooting dice on the sidewalk. I managed to tool past Uncle Grady's home at a snail's pace hitting a right speeding away from the house down the block until I found parking on a side street. I got out dialing up Esther.

"WHUT, WHAT, WHAT 'S YOU WANT ME TO DO?!! I SINCERELY HOPE YOU AIN'T MESSED UP NOTHIN!! I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO BE INVOLVED WITH THANGS!! I'M JUST GONNA GO MY OWN WAY BOY!!"

"Esther."

"I KNOW YOU ALL MAD AND EVERYTHING, BUT I PROMISE ITS ALL GONNA WORK OUT IN THE END!! WHATEVER YOU GONNA DO, DON'T DO THAT SHIT!! IT'S GON BE OKAY!! I'LL PAY YOU! OKAY BOY?!!"

"Esther."

"Yeah?" She settled down, realizing my calm.

"Call Mr. McCarthy and ask him if something is going on at your house because you've got a security alert from your service. Tell him your nephew is on the way, but since he's right there you decided to call him up because he's on the homeowners committee."

"WHAT?!!"

"Call Mr. McCarthy and ask him if something is going on at your house because you've got a security alert from your service. Tell him your nephew is on the way, but since he's right there you decided to call him up because he's on the homeowners committee. I need this done right now and I want you to text me when it's done, auntie."

I could hear Esther fretting on the phone for a few minutes it took to realize my request wouldn't change her situation one way or the other.

"Okay."

She ended the call not knowing I was already on the spot a block and a half over watching the neighborhood fracas. I got that return text as I popped the trunk slipping into one of the cringy white collared, multi-colored short sleeve shirts left over from my residency in my mother's home. I hadn't worn the shirt since my last days of High school mostly because I got drubbed as a Cosby kid from Sesame Street due to the multicolor horizontal stripes in its design. I got out a go pro before moving.

Luckily, I was invisible to the surging crowds of teens and young adults camped in and around my uncle's house in what amounted to a flash mob. I started encountering throngs of people as I got closer eliciting little more than errant stares and mean mugs with anyone, I happened to cross eyes with.

My clothing was designed to make me innocuous to anybody present and it worked to perfection as the loud crappy drill music got louder. I noticed a number of my uncle's neighbors in their yards already on their phone as I got a shit load of footage on my Go Pro. I crossed into the congested streets walking up the block making sure both of my hands were visible to anybody looking. I didn't want to catch any bullets from any thuggos knowing the severe paranoia engulfing a lot of criminally minded folks.

"HEY!!" I nearly jumped out of my skin, but it was Mr. McCarthy looking half crazed at the ensuing fracas.

"Sorry kid; but you're Esther's son, aren't you?"

"Nephew."

"Oh yeah, well I don't think you want to go in there; especially with a camera. By the way my name is Kevin and your aunt phoned me because of the mess, over there. She said you were on your way here and I've got to tell you this is unsanctioned by the homeowners committee."

"Yeah, I imagine that's so, Mr. McCarthy; but I was under the impression my uncle was out of town for the weekend. I was just coming here to pick up some things from the shed for donations to a shelter. My aunt said it would be okay. I work at the local college, and this was a window to pick the stuff up without bothering them. I think they're on a second honeymoon or something." I made sure to come off as glibly nerdy and clueless as humanly possible. This worked as his features softened.

"You had no idea this was going on?"

"No sir; in fact, Uncle Grady's kids don't live there anymore, and one is an elite college athlete out of state at university. Man, I don't what this is about, honestly speaking, sir. Maybe I'll just go have a look and talk to some of those brothers." I acted as if I were going to walk across the street, but he snagged my bicep, concerned.

"I don't think that would be a good idea."

"Why sir; maybe this is some sort of misunderstanding."

"Trust me kid, I know these kind of people; my brother's a cop and I've gone on ride a longs in the hood. No offense, but you'll stick out like a sore thumb. Look, I know they're black folks like you, but uhm, all kinfolk ain't skin folk, son." He put a hand on my shoulder trying to sound well-meaning and it took all I had not to laugh in his face. I glanced over, finding his wife just inside the gate bordering the front of his home, already on her cell phone.

"Geez, Mr. McCarthy; I never thought of it that way. I used to get picked on in school by the cool kids, but I'm a man now, so shouldn't it be different?"

"You don't want to do this, kid; I'm afraid to say this and I don't mean any harm or offense, but the black people over there might think you're, a coon."

"KEVIN!!" His wife shouted, outraged at his candor.

"IT'S OKAY MA'AM! I understand what Mr. McCarthy was trying to say. I guess I'll just uhm, come back later." I waved meekly before turning to her husband who looked apprehensive until I smiled.

"Think I should uh, call the police or something? My uncle's probably on a plane, now."

"Don't be a snitch; I've uh, already taken the liberty of informing the authorities. I never had your uncle's number, so I always talked to your Aunt Esther about things like this. You should probably skedaddle, kid. We wouldn't want you to be lumped in with the other..."

"KEVIN!!" His wife shouted again, flustered.

"Trespassers." He finished the sentence sounding unconvincing, awkward; a Freudian slip successfully avoided. I could already hear the sounds of incoming police cars. Some of the people were starting to make that bullrun in the opposite direction from the sirens.

"Uh, I think you are right sir; I'm going to come back later and pick up that stuff."

"Uh, cool; you're making the right decision. You don't want to be lumped in with those people; trust me on this, kid. I think it would be a lot safer and you wouldn't have to worry about having a police record like most of the thugs over there."