All Comments on 'The Incubus'

Started out promising, but fell apart in how the characters talk. Why is an eternal incubus moaning about how tight she is like a teenager on prom night? Why does she know what a 'major load' feels like? It's like you were writing for totally different characters at different points in the story.

Started promisingly, but ....

(1) Very important. Please pIck a tense (past or present) and stay with it. Really messes up a story's flow when you switch from past to present to past to present - IN ONE PARAGRAPH!

(2) Virgin that knows her G-spot and a lot of other things besides. Not really buying this.

(3) Edit grammar, typos and misspellings. Might sound trivial, but these things can make or break a story.

I had high hopes, but like the others who commented was completely turned off by the jumping tenses and the nonsensical dialogue.

It would benefit you greatly to have someone proof your writing and explain the details.

I have to agree with the other comments. The points of view were unrealistic for the situation, and the dialogue just made it worse. If your viewpoint character is a clueless virgin in both mind and body (hasn't watched porn, masturbated or done anything else), there's little chance that she would understand a lot of this.

Your incubus...yeah, about him. This isn't a demon who feeds on sexual energies and life force, just a boy who wants to get laid. I could see him adopting modern vernacular to make the victim more comfortable, but there's often a sensual component. Incubi are known to seduce women, and this story has none of that element; it's pure rutting.

It was hard to buy into the enjoyment she apparently gets out of this--to the point of hoping he'll return--when in the end he's simply degraded her. The scenario itself doesn't feel right, no matter how good the sex is. Encounters with a demon can be brutal or extremely sensual, but this was pedestrian. Wrong tone, the use of language doesn't fit the story you're trying to tell--and the mythology doesn't fit.

I'm sorry but this story sounds like it has been written by a teenager that thinks she knows everything about sex..... It also sounds like a really bad fanfiction story and it's just a major turn off, I'm sorry but keep practicing please.