The Lady's Maid

"That was not my impression. He seemed very smart. Nervous, certainly, but also excited. Did you not see that he could not keep his eyes from you?"

"I did not get that impression at all."

"He was a bit unusual, perhaps, but it is an unusual situation."

"And you could tell this from across the room?"

"Charlotte, he just seemed... I think you may be looking at this with some prejudice because you do not want to marry. He seemed decent. If anything, he seemed to boast a bit due to nerves. I truly believe he wanted to impress you."

"How could you have possibly heard anything? You were whispering with the valet the entire afternoon."

Alice had the decency to blush. "Jack is very sweet. I do not know if he's courting anyone, but perhaps he could be considered for that order of business you had."

It felt as though each time my heart pounded, the cracking and shattering grew closer and stronger. I could not breathe without feeling heartbreak. And there was Alice, already looking to replace me with a husband of her own.

"You have moved on quickly." The lump in my throat made my voice soft, almost hoarse.

Alice's face fell and she reached for me, but I stepped away.

"Charlotte, no! That is not what I intended."

"Isn't it, Alice? You have already started laying claims on a husband for yourself, when I have just found out that my own husband will lock me in his home like a nightingale in a cage. I will be there for his display, his pleasure, and nothing else. And you want to marry his valet."

"Do not be like this," she scoffed. "I was trying to find some happiness in this cloud you are under. Jack and I were listening to you speak with Thomas. Jack also told me that Thomas has spoken of nothing for days but his excitement to meet you. Before ever even seeing you, he was ready to love you. Charlotte, you may not have noticed, but Thomas was completely enamoured and wanted nothing more than to know you better."

"He prattled on the entire time, acting like I knew nothing about reading or hunting or—"

"Because he doesn't know that you know about those things!" Alice interrupted fiercely. "You would barely answer a single question he asked you. Will you truly fault him for trying to share knowledge that he did not know you already have?"

"What was I to say?" My voice shook, rage prickling through my chest, seeping through the scars on my heart and filling me with an anger I did not know possible. "The first thing he said was about how his mother hosts wonderful parties and how she'll teach me to do the same!"

"He was trying to make you feel welcome to his family."

"Mark my words, Alice, he wants a wife who will pump out children, stay quiet, and stay proper. I am the worst possible choice for him to marry. I will do nothing but bring him disappointment and shame."

She reached for me again, catching my wrist in her hand as I struggled not to cry.

"Charlotte. You must tell Thomas what kind of woman you are. It is the only chance for the two of you to make a happy life together. You do not have to be unhappy with him forever, you know."

"You want me to marry him, then."

A great sigh heaved from Alice's chest. "Charlotte, you know I wish you did not have to marry at all. It is happening, however, so I am trying to hope that it will be as happy a marriage as possible." She turned me to face her, touching my cheek gently. "I will forever love you, however it may be. It is my wish that you are happy, and that he pleases you, and that you love him, too, in time. I am sorry I joked about marrying Jack. I was only trying to lift your spirits."

It was in that moment that I realized how lucky I was to have Alice in my life. My love, my friend, the woman I wanted more than anything in the world, who was losing as much as I was by this event, was trying to remain uplifted. The only thing worse than losing each other would be losing the other to someone who did not want them. For Alice, she had to maintain the hope that Thomas would treat me as she would have.

I kissed her suddenly, and she was shocked enough to drop the basket of wildflowers.

"Charlotte, here?"

"I have so few days left to be yours. Yes, here. While we still can."

Her lips touched mine again and we kissed passionately, urgently. There was no soft bed to fall on, no door for us to lock or pillows to muffle our cries. It was just us, the wind blowing through the trees and grass, the flowing of the creek, and the scent of wildflowers. We held each other closely, pulling up our skirts to access each other's gardens.

Alice was already wet when my fingers breached her entrance. Her lips never left mine, and I felt the vibrations of her moan as I sunk my fingers inside of her. She pushed her body forward, pressing against me as I fingered her, and finally found my own dripping mound amongst the layers of skirts.

Her fingers matched mine, dipping inside of me, and I tasted her breath as I inhaled sharply. She spread my wetness about, bringing her fingers in and out of me before focusing on my most sensitive place. I mirrored her movements, our hands moving furiously beneath the other's skirt as we kissed.

She finished before I did, and I watched her beautiful face contort as I brought her to the place of bliss. Her hand paused on my bud only for a moment, long enough for me to watch her lips form into a round shape as her head tilted back. Breathing hard, she opened her eyes and resumed her motions, clutching me as she panted.

My finish came with the power of a lightning strike, tingling from every point of my body. I gripped Alice's shoulder as my body shuddered and thrashed, pleasure enveloping me in a haze of joy. She held me tightly and I felt as though I was glowing, floating above the woods with only her and her fingers and her lips.

The intense waves of pleasure subsided to an aching memory in our bodies, and we fell to the grass as we regained our breaths. Alice began to collect the wildflowers that had fallen from the basket.

We both froze when a loud snap and rustling came from a thicket around 100 feet away. I whirled towards the source of the noise, blood rushing from my face as my heart began to race.

"Is someone there?" Alice whispered, barely loud enough for me to hear her. "Did they see us?"

I stared at the source of the noise, refusing to even blink. Aside from the pounding of my heart in my ears and the babbling of the creek, I heard nothing. There was no shadow, no form of a person that I could make out, yet someone could easily be hiding amongst the trees.

Acting more bravely than I felt, I stood and began taking tentative steps towards the thicket.

"Charlotte, no!" Alice whispered.

I waved my hand at her and began walking slowly towards the noise. Still, nothing moved, and no sounds came. Closer and closer I crept, terrified yet determined.

When I was 20 feet away, the thicket rustled again. I screeched as a sudden blur of movement darted out from the thicket and raced towards the creek. Once I realized what it was, I began to shriek with laughter.

"What?" exclaimed Alice. "Charlotte, what is it?"

"A badger!" I called back, doubling over. "Just a badger. Oh, dear. That gave me a fright."

Alice laughed as I rushed back towards her.

"Leave it to us to be terrified by a badger," I said, still giggling.

"I thought it was a person. I thought somebody saw us," she replied, shaking her head.

Neither of us needed to state how shaken we were at the thought that we may have been discovered.

We returned shortly thereafter, taking a few moments to calm our trembling hands before heading back up the path. As we left the woods, I glanced towards the stables. Even at a distance, I knew the large figure standing near the fence was Thomas. Philip's horse, the large brown with a temper, was nuzzling Thomas's hand as he talked with one of the stable boys. I should have been encouraged that Thomas's stories about doing well with horses were true, but all I felt was anger.

As we walked back to the house, Thomas turned his head in our direction. Even from that distance, I saw the way his face lit up upon catching sight of us. He raised a hand in greeting. I took Alice's arm and turned my head away, hoping he would think I just had not seen him. As soon as we entered the house, the melancholy of the entire day began to clamp onto my lungs again, and I wondered if that was the sensation I was to feel for the rest of my life.

**

I was wrong about Thomas being a brute, and being wrong only served to infuriate me more.

In the weeks that followed our first meeting, Thomas was nothing short of a perfect gentleman. We spent little time together, and even less of it alone — alone, aside from Alice and Thomas's valet Jack, of course. And though I tried, for my sake and for Alice's, to be polite and charming and hopeful about the marriage, I simply could not.

At our third meeting, he brought me a gift.

"They are the height of fashion right now," he explained confidently as I opened the box, revealing a delicate, beautiful pair of long silk gloves. "The first day we met, you wore that incredible blue dress. I thought these would go with it perfectly."

Well, I was certain that it was actually Mrs. Digby who thought they would go with the dress. I did not imagine Thomas knew the first thing about ladies' fashion. The gloves were remarkable and slid on my skin like butter across a warm plate. They were highly impractical, matched a dress I hated wearing, and were the shade of blue that I always associated with my mother.

"Thank you," I said politely, and closed the box. Thomas's face fell, but he recovered with haste and took my hand to kiss my fingers lightly.

He brought another gift the next time we met.

"I thought perhaps you could wear it at our wedding," he said softly. He seemed certain that I would love whatever he had presented me with. I opened the box to find a necklace with a large pendant of a basket holding flowers. The flower petals were made of tiny blue jewels, and he insisted on fastening it to my neck immediately.

"It is beautiful," I said politely. "Thank you."

I caught him staring a few moments later, eyes fixed on the large pendant hanging in the center of my chest. When he realized I had seen him, he cleared his throat and turned away hastily.

He brought me other gifts. Slippers, ribbons, flowers. Gifts for a woman who would sit quietly by his side with nothing more to offer the world than her beauteous face. A woman who was not what I could be, and as time went on, a woman I felt guilty for not being. I was selfish, truly, and was certain I could not be happy as a married woman. A small part of me pitied Thomas, as I could not see how he would ever be happy with me as his wife.

There was one that differed, and it was the only one I truly enjoyed. At that meeting, he did not hand me a box, but a package wrapped in paper.

"I hope you will enjoy this," he said.

Unlike with his previous gifts, he spoke nervously, and fidgeted slightly as I unwrapped it carefully. Under the paper was a book.

"It's the one I mentioned, about the history of the Mongols. I hope it is not too violent a subject, but I thought perhaps we could discuss it when you finish reading."

Thomas would have been well within his right to be frustrated. He did not have to continue treating me with kindness. I was often short with him, polite but quiet, and did not offer much information during our meetings. A logical reaction to receiving the gift would have been to soften towards him, to feel more accepting of the situation.

Logic, however, was not how I generally handled my feelings. Instead, I resented Thomas even more, simply because he was showing that he was not the boorish moron I had expected him to be.

I thanked him politely for the book and set it to the side. Thomas swallowed, a forced smile on his lips, and kissed my fingers lightly.

The weeks went by too quickly for my liking. Mrs. Digby handled the wedding preparations. At first, she tried to make it seem as though she was just offering friendly advice, but when she realized I had no interest in the day, she took over completely. It seemed to endear me to her, somehow, that she be given full reign over planning my wedding day, as though I had given her a gift in allowing her to do the work I did not want to do. Aside from asking me for the names of guests I would like to attend, she made the rest of the plans herself.

My father and Mr. Digby knew each other from business dealings, and found that they had much in common. Both liked to hunt, eat, and bluster about every possible way the world was changing. After dinner, they could be found sitting about, smoking pipes and bemoaning the state of society almost every evening.

Edmund and Philip spent more time with Thomas than I did. Once Philip realized that he and Thomas shared the same respect and command of the large brown horse, they spent many days riding together and talking of all things equine. In the evenings, Edmund and Thomas drank heavily, laughing and storytelling around the evening fire.

Even Alice seemed to enjoy the Digbys' presence. She and Jack spent many an afternoon having whispered discussions at the edge of the sitting room. I do not know if she ever broached the topic of courting him, or if perhaps that would come after the wedding was complete. She did like him, I knew that much. While Mrs. Clayton was devastated to hear that Alice was intent on following me to live with Thomas, she was ecstatic at Alice's prospect of moving up in the world.

Yes, everyone seemed exceptionally pleased with the benefits my marriage to Thomas brought them. Aside from myself, and likely Thomas, as well.

I should not discount the attempts those around me made to offer me comfort. Each morning, a small bundle of flowers waited outside my door. If it were not for the fact that they were my favourite wildflowers, I would have thought it was another attempt at romance from Thomas. But Thomas did not know what kind of wildflowers I loved. Days went by before Alice caught Philip leaving the bouquet outside my room. He requested her silence on the matter, but Alice's loyalty lay first and foremost with me.

Alice was my true place of comfort, the only thing I felt I could cling to for normalcy. Not once did she waver in her strength, and I could not have made it through without her. My selfishness at the time did not allow me to consider how much she would also lose by way of my marriage to Thomas, and she did not allow me to see her pain at it. In retrospect, I regretted my self-absorption and the way it blinded me to Alice's plight. But my dear, sweet, strong and loyal and beautiful Alice did not let my immaturity stop her from loving me.

As I spent more time with Thomas, I fought the softening of my heart towards him. Lord knows he tried everything he could to pull forth the smallest hint that I was not dreading being wed to him. After dinner one evening, Alice was whispering in my ear as we walked slowly towards the exit. I do not remember what she was saying, but it did make me smile. As I turned to leave, I caught Thomas's eye. He was looking longingly at the pair of us. When our eyes met, he looked away hurriedly, and I wondered if perhaps he had eyes for Alice instead of for me.

When I spoke of those concerns to Alice, she laughed. "He was longing for you, Charlotte. Everyone can see how he desires you. Your future husband wears his heart on his sleeve and his thoughts on his face."

It is easy to see those things when looking back. At the time, I enveloped myself in woe and refused to see the brightness around me. I chose to see only the bad, refused to find any sense of happiness, and it is only due to the strength of character of those closest to me that they did not abandon me in that place of despair.

On the morning of the wedding, I woke bleary-eyed and unrested.

"It's time, Charlotte."

I ignored Alice and brought the pillow over my head, pressing it to my ears.

"Really, Charlotte." The bed shifted as she sat on the edge and I felt her hand touch my back. Her voice was muffled, but not enough to drown her out. "I promised Mrs. Digby that you were out of bed an hour ago. She'll have my head if you're not ready in time."

"Please, Alice," I begged. "Do not make me go out there. Tell them I died."

"I will not. Not only are you not dead, death is not better than marriage."

"How would you know? You've done neither."

"And neither have you."

She pried the pillow from my hands as I slumped, unmoving, against the mattress. Grabbing my arm, Alice began to tug me out of the bed.

"Come on, Charlotte."

"I regret to inform you that I am now dead."

She tried not to laugh, but a snort escaped. "You are certainly chatty for a dead person."

"I am speaking to you from the beyond, as a spirit. I cannot properly rest and go to Heaven until you tell Thomas that I have regretfully died."

"I will do no such thing."

She succeeded in pulling me to the edge of the bed, where she used my chest as leverage to flip me onto my back.

"You look like you haven't slept a wink, but that is far from dead."

"Perhaps I am under a curse. You could try to break the spell."

Alice touched my hand softly. "I cannot kiss you on your wedding day, Charlotte. We have risked too much already. It isn't right."

My eyes were closed, luckily, so she did not see the pain in them as she spoke. When I was certain there were no tears pooling there, I opened my eyes and glanced at Alice.

She was still sitting on the edge of my bed, looking down at me with an expression of pity and loss. When she saw I was looking, she smiled.

"There you are. Truly, I am ecstatic that your death was not of the permanent sort."

"Alice..."

"Please, Charlotte." Her face shifted to the sad expression she had just worn. "Mr. Digby is a good match for you, even if you do not think so. I believe truly that he will make you happy. For today, let us just pretend. Please, let us pretend to be happy. Let us enjoy what we can."

I nodded softly and swung my legs to the edge of the bed.

"Well, let us be on with it, then."

I am certain that many women enjoy their wedding preparations, especially when their dearest friend is with them. Alice and I tried to enjoy ourselves, but the overwhelming sadness permeated every action. Sadness was woven through the braids Alice put in my hair, tangled in the skirts of the dress Father had bought for me, tied around my neck as Alice clasped the necklace Thomas had given me. Even the bracelets I wore, passed down from my mother, were drenched in a feeling so blue it made me shiver.

The day passed in much of a blur. I did everything dutifully. I recited my vows and smiled blandly at the overly ecstatic guests. I kissed my new husband chastely, noting how very different his lips were from Alice's. I thanked the guests for coming and sat obediently at the table while a proper feast was served, though only a few bites passed my lips.

The night passed on, and more wine was served and spilled. Alice was dutifully by my side, Edmund and Philip were each dancing with lovely young ladies, and Thomas was being congratulated repeatedly by people I had never met. Acquaintances I had known for years gave polite congratulations, then bawdy insinuations, until at one point a group of guests began demanding we proceed with the bedding.

"Let's let the lovebirds get on with it, shall we?" hollered Henry Lawrence.

He was a lanky man with stringy hair and a penchant for peering up the dresses of ladies. Despite his tendencies, he was from a good family and had attempted to court me at one point. I had turned him down as politely as I could, but he was highly insistent at the time. The leering grin on his face told me he had never quite forgiven me for my rejection, and was looking forward to what little he would see by insisting on a bedding ceremony.