The Lady's Maid

"You worried me," he said.

"I apologize."

"No need. You looked beautiful riding through the field like that."

His words made me blush, but I could not stop myself from smiling. He did not need to know what had prompted the sudden decision, and I would not ever tell him.

"I used to ride often at home," I said. "My brothers and I were always racing."

"I did not know that." Thomas turned his horse, and we walked them slowly towards the road as we talked. "We should ride together when we are home. There is a horse I have in mind for you, a perfect match, I think."

"Is that so?"

"Yes. It can be a bit tricky to control, but I believe you could. And it is beautiful. Pure grey, with a mane like silk."

My own horse. I smiled at the thought.

"Would you race me back?"

He grinned and guided his horse beside me. The race back to the road was all too short. As we returned to the party, I caught Alice's eye from where she was sitting with Jack. She grinned from her spot on the wagon, her eyes sparkling.

Thomas and I raced our horses two or three times more on the journey, though when we arrived in the nearest town to the Digbys' estate, Mrs. Digby insisted we stop and that I return to the carriage. I obeyed dutifully, climbing in with Alice following behind me.

"I did not know you rode, my dear," Mrs. Digby said.

"Occasionally," I replied. "I hope I did not upset you by asking to ride today."

"Not at all. I know how stuffy the carriage can be, especially if you are not used to travel." She smiled politely.

"Thank you, Mrs. Digby. I do appreciate time outdoors, and it was lovely to spend some time with Thomas."

"Oh, if you love to be outdoors, you will adore the garden at home." Excitement crossed Mrs. Digby's face. "Mr. Lancelot Brown—Capability Brown, he calls himself—the most distinguished landscape architect in the country, plotted the entire thing. It's the envy of all the neighbours. I'll plan an afternoon tea for us so you can meet some of the ladies nearby. Oh, it will be such an event. The flowers will be..."

Mrs. Digby kept talking as the cheer I'd found during my ride began to trickle out of me. Thomas may have promised me a horse, and that we could ride together, but it was sure to be an uncommon occurrence. The expectations were clear from Mrs. Digby's chatter: I was to be a lady. I was to act as a lady would. I was to hold social events and conduct myself in a manner befitting the Digbys' status.

The arrival at the Digbys' country house was mildly chaotic. As soon as we disembarked, Mrs. Digby began giving orders, and a team of servants obeyed her every command. I waited politely outside the carriage with Alice until Thomas returned from stabling his horse and took my arm. His face was bright, eyes filled with excitement as he brought me to the house.

He showed me to the room that would be mine, a door down from his own.

"Mother commissioned the furniture especially for you," Thomas said. "A man named Chippendale. She says he is the most renowned furniture designer in London."

I nodded and suppressed the urge to laugh. Mrs. Digby should have spared the expense, as the supposed intricacies of Mr. Chippendale's designs were lost on me. Edith Hathaway, who was likely already imagining the commissions she would make to redesign my father's home, would have been more impressed.

Thomas escorted me through the rest of the house. Everything was larger and more expensive than what had been in my home. Mother would have not cared for much of the grandeur on display, but there was an extravagant clock that would have made Edith green with envy. I was more envious of the room dedicated solely to books; the Digbys owned more than I had ever seen in my life.

As we strolled through the house, I began to feel overwhelmingly homesick. Aside from Mrs. Digby and Alice, I did not know any other people there. I did not know how I was to spend my days, nor would I have any friends or acquaintances to visit with.

The grounds were as lovely as Mrs. Digby had made them sound. The gardens were meticulously kept, and flowers of all colours bloomed prettily everywhere we turned. There were thick woods bordering the property, and I longed to rush into them to see what treasures lay there. We walked down to the stables, where Thomas greeted everyone happily as he introduced me to the men there.

Then, the pasture. Thomas let go of my arm and pointed to a horse grazing a short distance away.

"That one," he said. "You will love it."

I looked at the horse. It was every bit as beautiful as he said, nearly glowing in the soft afternoon light. I tried to smile, but the sight of the animal did nothing to bring happiness to me. It was just another freedom that was being torn from me.

It did not go unnoticed by Thomas, who tenderly brushed his fingers against my cheek as he regarded my sadness.

"Earlier today, you were as happy as I've ever seen you. Now you have withdrawn. What have I said to make you unhappy, Charlotte?"

I shook my head. "You have said nothing wrong. Your home is beautiful."

"Our home. This is your home now, as well."

I nodded. "Yes. My home."

"And the horse. You seemed so excited earlier."

"I am pleased, Thomas. It is beautiful. Everything is lovely."

"I do not believe you."

I sighed, looking up at him as I tried to plead with my eyes for him to let the conversation go. "I am happy to be here."

"You are not. Charlotte, do not lie to me." He took my hand, gripping it firmly. "You are unhappy. I know you are. Please do me the courtesy of being honest."

The words stung and I had to look away. Just like everything else, I was failing at being a wife.

"At my home, I could ride horses or go through the woods or come and go however I pleased. Here, I cannot. Here, I have expectations of me. I am first and foremost your wife."

"You are, first and foremost, Charlotte," he retorted. "You are not some inanimate object that I wish to display. I do not wish to own you."

"It does not matter, Thomas, do you not see that? You are just one of the people whose expectations I must meet." Tears welled in my eyes and I looked away, focusing on the beautiful grey horse in the distance. "I am a failure as a wife. You deserve more than what I am capable of giving, and I will only let you down."

"Charlotte..."

"I would like to return to my room, please."

We walked back to the house in silence, and Alice was waiting to prepare me for dinner. We returned to my room promptly and she began combing out my hair.

"Honestly, Charlotte, had I known you would be riding today, I would have done this differently," she said as she tried to untangle the knots.

"I did not plan to," I said.

"I am glad you did. You seemed to enjoy it."

When I did not respond, she sighed.

"Charlotte, please speak with me. You are still my dearest friend. I feel that we have lost our closeness and I do not like it."

"Alice, I love you dearly. I feel as though sharing my misery right now would only serve to hurt you."

"It hurts me more to see you so dreadfully unhappy." She put my brush down and knelt beside me, taking my hand. "Our history together is no matter. Please, share your misery with me. Let our souls be close if our bodies cannot."

How could I refuse anything to my Alice? Before I was aware of myself, I had begun telling Alice every thought and action and fear and sadness that had befallen me since the morning of the wedding. I told her of my wedding night with Thomas and how he knew I had been with a woman before. I told her that it hadn't hurt, that I hadn't bled, and what I had done to my sheets.

She giggled at that admission, having seen the sheets herself the following morning. I told her that laying with him was not the same as laying with her, that the explosive pleasure we both felt was not present with him, and that he had only come to me one other night since we wed.

And I told her of my moments of joy with Thomas that day, how freeing it had been to ride again, and how the world had begun closing in on me as he showed me around. I told her of the woods, and how I longed to see them, and how alone I felt. The confusion of wanting and not wanting Thomas, the duelling relief and concern of not having to make love to him, and the crushing sense of failure I felt as his wife.

And I cried, of course I cried, and she held me and comforted me as only Alice could.

When I was through with my sniffling, Alice returned to fixing my hair.

"Perhaps it was the travelling," she said.

"The travelling?"

"Yes. Perhaps he was too tired. Watch, I think he will come to you tonight, and if not tonight then most certainly tomorrow." I did not respond, and she continued brushing my hair out. "Perhaps Thomas would take you into the woods, too."

Perhaps he would have, had I not confessed to him how horrible of a wife I was.

"He will come for you, I am certain," Alice continued. "And he will make you see you are not a failure. He only wants your happiness, Charlotte."

I did not believe her in that moment, but Thomas was entirely capable of surprising me. I should not have underestimated him. Had I been less narrow-minded, I may have seen that Thomas was far more accepting of the unusual than I thought him.

"I have prattled on too much, Alice. Tell me of your day. I saw you whispering with Jack."

She giggled, flushing as I mentioned his name.

"Charlotte, he's such a character. He makes me laugh."

"Should I be looking to arrange a wedding for the two of you, then?"

She waved her hand. "It is too early for that. I do not know if he would even want to wed me. The stories he tells! He is a... a gallanting kind of man."

"He has been around, you mean."

"Well, he may piss more than he drinks, but the stories he tells, Charlotte... he is certainly not a gentleman. And I truly think I like that about him."

She regaled me with some of the stories Jack had told her, and I was certain he must have exaggerated some of them, but he sounded like the perfect match for Alice.

Later that evening, Alice had come to my room to help prepare me for sleep. It would be my first night there, and I was not used to the shadows cast about the place. They made me nervous, and Alice's presence was a comfort. We were sitting on one of Mr. Chippendale's beautiful settees, talking quietly by the fireplace and avoiding the chill of the room, when the telltale three soft knocks came at my door.

Alice grinned. "I told you, Charlotte."

My heart had begun pounding, but I smiled in spite of it. "I suppose you were right, then."

A log in the fireplace cracked as Alice patted my hand and went to the door.

"Good evening, Mr. Digby."

"Good evening, Miss Clayton."

Thomas stepped into the room. He had an odd look on his face, and I was unsure of what it meant. Nevertheless, I knew what he desired.

"Thank you, Miss Clayton. That will be all for tonight."

Alice nodded and made to leave, but Thomas stopped her.

"No, not yet. Please stay a moment, Miss Clayton."

Alice froze, then glanced back at me as though I had some inkling of what was happening. I looked at her helplessly as Thomas closed the door and turned the lock.

My heart dropped, and then began pounding so loudly I was certain it could be heard across the room. I trembled, suddenly cold, despite the fire nearby. A tense moment passed where both Alice and I looked at Thomas, who seemed to be wrestling with something in his mind. Finally, he motioned for her to join me in the sitting area.

Tentatively, Alice stepped towards me and sat primly at the edge of the unoccupied chair. Thomas stepped in front of us, made to sit next to me on the settee, then changed his mind and remained standing.

He turned to me first, opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again and turned away. Baffled, I glanced quickly at Alice before speaking.

"Thomas, what is the meaning of this?"

He inhaled deeply, then turned back to me. Again, he looked as though he was about to speak, then froze. He held my eye for a long moment, then turned to Alice.

"Miss Clayton, I require your assistance."

She looked shaken, but nodded. "Certainly, Mr. Digby."

"I need you to show me how to make my wife react the way she did with you, that day in the woods by the creek."

Whatever we had expected, that was not it. I could not imagine that my face looked any different than Alice's, which was wide-eyed and jaw-dropped. As she processed his words, she looked back at me wildly.

"I thought you said it was a badger!"

"It was a badger! I saw the damned thing!"

"I was not near the badger," Thomas interrupted. "I had not meant to follow you into the wood, I had just gone to explore. I came across you on the other side, and had intended to turn back so you would not think I was interrupting when I saw you kiss Miss Clayton."

"And now you want... you want her to do what, exactly?"

Thomas cleared his throat, then knelt in front of me and took my hand.

"When I saw you in the woods, stomping around in an old wool dress and free of care, I thought it must be fate that our parents decided we should wed. I thought you were the perfect woman for me, that you would love the grounds here, that you were different from all the women who just wanted to sit indoors and sew and gossip.

"And you are. I know that you are not like that. And then I saw you kiss Miss Clayton and I did not know what to think. I told myself to leave, that I should not spy as I was, but then your hands disappeared into her dress and I could not move. And when I realized you were happy, and enjoying whatever it was she was doing to you, I thought I was about the luckiest man on Earth. That you would enjoy—"

He stopped suddenly and glanced at Alice, as if remembering she was there. He did not need to finish what he was saying; we knew what he meant. Looking back at me, Thomas continued.

"And then you grew more and more unhappy. A million times, I wanted to tell you what I thought, but we were never alone. I thought perhaps once we were wed, I could tell you all these things. That I did not want you to be just another lady, that I was excited that you would enjoy... well. I wanted to make you react the way Miss Clayton did, but I could not, and I do not know why."

"I do not know either," I whispered. "It does not feel bad, Thomas. It is just... not the same."

"I want to make you happy, Charlotte. Your concerns about the expectations of you, about not being free to do as you wish—those I can show you are unfounded with time. But to pleasure you in bed—that I thought I knew how to do, but I have failed. You have not failed me in any way, you must believe me. I know you do not love me, and perhaps you never will, but I wish to do all I can to make you happy."

He turned back to Alice, still holding my hand. "Miss Clayton, I feel as though we have the same wish. Am I wrong in my assumption?"

Alice looked at me, and suddenly I saw the sparkle in her eye as she pressed her lips together. The damned girl was trying not to laugh!

"No, Mr. Digby." Even with her soft response, I could hear that she was holding back laughter.

Thomas seemed not to notice. "Will you help me, Miss Clayton?"

Her face broke into a smile as she began to giggle. Thomas looked devastated for a moment before Alice nodded eagerly, grinning widely.

"Yes, Mr. Digby. Of course." She stood up suddenly, laughter still bubbling from her throat. "Charlotte, did I not say? Did I not tell you that men aren't so bad, and that Mr. Digby was a good match for you, and that he would be here tonight and that he wanted to make you happy?"

Thomas looked to see my reaction. I had pressed my lips together, and I knew my chin trembled, but I tried to compose myself.

"Yes, you did," I said.

As I met Thomas's eyes, I could not keep myself from starting to giggle, and soon I had lost my breath from laughing so hard. When tears began streaming from my eyes, I took gasping breaths to calm myself.

Thomas still looked confused, but a smile had broken his face as well.

"But Alice, what about... well, you know."

"What is it that I know?"

I did not want to state it outright with Thomas in the room, but I was worried about the potential harm our actions could cause between Alice and Jack. Pursing my lips, I thought for a moment.

"You spoke earlier of some stories."

She frowned for a moment, then understood. "Oh! Do not worry about that, Charlotte. I told you, nothing has happened. Frankly, even if something were to happen between us, he would likely beg for me to share details."

"Do you speak of Jack?" Thomas asked.

We both looked at him in surprise. Thomas chuckled.

"Believe only half of what he says, but the rest is true. He is the last person who would be astounded by what I have proposed."

Alice smiled. "See, Charlotte. You should listen to me more often."

We broke into gales of laughter again, and I turned to Thomas.

"I am sorry," I gasped. "Truly, Thomas. My mind has been all too many places and I have been unable to break my sadness, but you have been so kind and so truly good to me. I have not been deserving of such treatment—"

"You most certainly are deserving of kindness and happiness," he interrupted, standing as he spoke. "Now, I am done discussing this. I am done with laughter. Miss Clayton, if you would be so kind as to finish undressing my wife."

With a gleam in her eye that was usually reserved for when she looked at me, Alice nodded. "Yes, Mr. Digby."

Her gaze lingered on him, and I simply knew Alice was hiding her excitement for the situation. She could not hide the reddening in her cheeks, the way she licked her lips, or the direction of her eyes. Taking my hand, Alice brought me to my feet and removed the rest of my garments, though she simply piled them on the settee instead of putting them away as she generally would. I shivered as her fingers brushed against my skin, already hungry with anticipation, and could not keep my eyes off Thomas. He, in turn, had a serious look to his face as he watched Alice and me, staring as she worked, taking in the curves of my body as they were revealed.

Once I was naked, both Alice and I looked to Thomas. He stared a moment longer, drinking in my body, then looked into my eyes with an intense consideration.

His voice came out deeply and hoarsely. "Miss Clayton, if you would, please escort my wife to the bed."

"Certainly, Mr. Digby. How would you have her positioned?"

"Lay her on her back, please."

They spoke as though I were barely present, and it excited me. Alice took my arm and led me to the bed, laying me down as Thomas directed. She fluffed a pillow under my head, ensured I was comfortable, and then stepped obediently away from the bed and looked to Thomas as he moved to the end of the bed.

He stood with his hands behind his back, staring down at me, then motioned for Alice to join him. She went next to him and regarded me in much the same way.

"Miss Clayton, do you believe it would be more effective for you to direct me on what to do, or for me to watch and follow your example?"

Alice's eyes sparkled as she considered the question. "Well, Mr. Digby, perhaps we should test both methods."

Oh, dear.

Thomas grinned, his teeth glinting in the low light of the room, and I felt my stomach flutter. I was as helpless as a rabbit, and not only was he a wolf, but there was a pair of them.

"That is an excellent suggestion, Miss Clayton. Why don't we begin with observation? And don't be shy. Do exactly what you would have in the past, and tell me exactly what you are doing to her."

"Yes, Mr. Digby. I hope you do not mind, but I will need to remove my dress as well."

Thomas, of course, did not mind.