The Law of Attraction Ch. 05

This story is a transsexual fantasy.

Before reading this chapter I highly recommend that you read chapters 1 to 4.

It has been a long time since I wrote the first four chapters of this story, and the reason for this is that I have been occupied in other areas of my life.

In some respects I had come to a good place in the story to take a break because this story is actually 2 stories firstly the story told from Jamie's perspective which has been completed and now I will tell the story from Ashley's perspective.

To really understand Ashley's story it is necessary to go back to her abusive childhood.........

"Imagine starting to believe in yourself and your infinite possibilities. Imagine believing you deserve everything you want out of life. Imagine getting everything you want out of life.

Once you apply the 'Law of Attraction' everything is possible."

My name is Ashley, and although the story of my childhood is unfortunately quite common, it was nevertheless very sad, and on reflection provides the key to understanding many of the decisions I have made in my life.

Like many other people in the US and around the world, I was brought up an orphan. The story was that my parents had been killed in an automobile accident which had wiped out the people in the front seats of the car, and I in my baby seat at the back of the car had survived.

Unfortunately I had no other living relatives so as a result I ended up in the state adoption system.

From an early age I was a rebellious child, so as a result attempts to place me with foster parents were in vain. I think my rebellious nature was due to my anger at the world for taking my parents from me, indeed it was only the fact that I had been told that my parents had loved me very much that had kept me going, otherwise I would probably have killed myself.

Things turned really bad for me when I was put in a state foster home that was run by a very controlling and manipulative man. I was sexually abused by this man from the age of 8 years old and from the age of 11 he started anally abusing me. He fucked me in the ass rather than the pussy because he didn't want to run the risk of making me pregnant and in a sick way had convinced himself that this did not constitute sexual abuse.

His treatment of me continued until I was 16 years old, when I finally had the courage to speak out and he was prosecuted for sexual abuse of minors, it turned out that he had been doing the same to four other girls and two other boys.

It was this man's treatment of me that fostered in me a fear, mistrust and sometimes hatred of men. And this along with the fact that I did not find men attractive anyway served to ensure that my later sexual relationships were exclusively with women.

Unfortunately I never had much luck in my relationships with women, partly this was because I tended to attract women who were not emotionally available and partly due to my childhood trauma which caused me to swing from being very clingy to completely isolating.

The one woman that I had maintained a long term friendship with and with whom I had had many satisfying sexual encounters with was a friend I had met in high school. I guess you could say that I loved Jackie, she was everything you could want in a partner: kind, loving, compassionate and had a beautiful personality. The only problem was that Jackie was bisexual and what she really wanted in life was to find a man that she could settle down and have children with.

It was with Jackie that I moved into a rent controlled apartment in New York when I started getting small parts on Broadway. At that time I was an aspiring actress but most of my income came from waitressing.

We were just getting the apartment right with a distinctly feminine decoration when Jackie met a new guy Jeff who she decided to move in with, Jackie made it clear to me that she intended to marry Jeff, but would always be in my life, and yes she loved me but she loved Jeff also and wanted to have his children.

My initial reaction was to become very angry, Jackie and I had made our lives in this apartment living together in New York and now she was pulling the rug out from under my feet. But in my heart I knew that Jackie had always been completely honest with me and always made it clear that it was her intention to settle down with a guy and have kids, so I did not vent my anger at Jackie.

I set about looking for a replacement to share the apartment with me. Let me first explain that the apartment was in a lesbian area of town, and decorated in a very feminine way and I had pictures of it on the internet site where I had put my ad for somebody to share the apartment, so it never occurred to me to specify women only.

The problem was that all the women who applied either I felt I couldn't trust or was worried I would get into an inappropriate relationship with.

In desperation I shared the apartment with one woman who ended up robbing from me. Then later I shared with another woman who I ended up having a relationship with. She would often stay out for days without letting me know anything. I later found out that she was sleeping around and worst of all telling all her girlfriends that I was clingy and insecure and couldn't get over my childhood trauma. In retrospect I felt more betrayed by her than the woman who had robbed me.

So there I was again looking for another woman to share the apartment with and having the same bad luck with the women who replied to my advertisement, when a guy knocked on the door. He explained that his name was James and that I had made an appointment with him to interview him about sharing the apartment.

When he had replied to the advert, I had just assumed that he was a woman because of the area where the apartment was located and the obviously feminine style of the apartment which was clear from the photos. As for the name James, well, many butch lesbians preferred to call themselves by male sounding names.

When I saw a man standing on the entrance my initial reaction was one of fear, a man being at the door to my apartment my home ground so to speak intimidated me, bringing back memories of my abuser. However, I then noticed that he was no taller than I was and his arms were as thin as mine, he also looked timid and shy, I fancied myself easily beating him in a fight if it came to it.

When I barked out my question asking who he was and why he was bothering me, it became clear to me that he was now more frightened of me than I was of him. I was about to tell him that I should have specified women only in the ad and send him on his way when my curiosity got the better of me. What kind of guy would respond to an ad that was obviously directed at lesbian women.

So in that instant, driven by curiosity I, I took a chance and invited him in.

Once I had him sitting nervously on the sofa, I asked him what he knew about the area, and it became obvious that he was anything but streetwise and had no idea that these apartments were exclusively inhabited by lesbians. His level of naivety, or you might say innocence was so high that I found it touching in a strange way.

When I asked him about the style of the apartment, he was very complimentary, saying that it had a peaceful ambiance and praising me on the use of soft colors and the coordinated layout and fashionable look, yes it was fashionable but in a female sense.

The more he talked the more I became relaxed about him, almost immediately I sensed that he was not threatening in any way. In many ways he did not seem like a guy at all, sensitive, timid, shy, vulnerable and above all innocent. I suddenly became convinced that I was completely safe with this guy, safer than I had been with any person in my life, even Jackie.

I became aware that I was subconsciously trying to talk myself in to accepting that he share the apartment with me, after all there were benefits to him being a guy, I didn't have to bother about becoming entangled in an affair with him and end up losing another co-lodger which would happen when the affair came to it's inevitable end.

In the end I decided of course that the idea of a man hating lesbian like me having a guy to share an apartment with was stupid, but for some reason I told him I would get back to him and let him know if I decided to select him.

Shortly after I selected a woman who ended up robbing money from me after only three days, fortunately for me I had not had too much money on me that day. It was at that point that I decided to take a risk and invite James to share the apartment with me, at that point I felt like I had nothing to lose. I still don't know why I decided to invite James to share my apartment with me despite everything, he was a guy. The decision was like a strong impulse, looking back on it now I would say it was probably destiny.

The more I got to know James, the more, to my surprise, I came to identify with him. Although on paper our childhoods appeared to have little in common, unlike me he had not been through the adoption system, I began to see a number of similarities. Like me he had suffered a lot of bullying at school, although in his case it was because he had been a weakling compared to other boys. Like me he had always felt like an outsider growing up.

Also like me he had not been successful in his relationships, he admitted to me that at 30 he was still a virgin while saying he was attracted to women. In one sense I felt compassion for this poor shy man, he had never been with a woman in a sexual way, I couldn't imagine a life for me without that particular pleasure.

The more I got to know James, the more I began to realize that the way he thought about things was unlike any man I had ever met, in fact much more like a woman. I became intrigued about this, in fact everything about this man intrigued me, how could he be so far from the traditional male stereotype. In answer to my questions he told me how he had suffered as a child because he was weak and uncoordinated, how he couldn't relate to other boys and increasingly felt isolated, and yet this did not really explain why he was the way he was, it only made his story more intriguing.

Initially when James moved into the apartment with me, he got a lot of stares from the women in the block as he was the only guy there. My neighbors did not say anything to him but several comments were made to me by people saying that they didn't want a man in the block. In the end the tenants association did not vote to throw him out because we were coming under scrutiny from the local council for possible sex discrimination and now we had a token male.

James however became aware of the way our neighbors were staring at him, and in his innocence asked me what the problem was, so I had to tell him that all the other people in the block were lesbian women and that many did not welcome him there even though legally there were no issues.

He told me that he might start looking for somewhere else to live despite the difficulty of finding affordable accommodation in New York. And I surprised myself by asking him to stay saying that he was the only person to share the apartment with me since Jackie who had been reliable, I told him I would speak to our neighbors.

I talked to our neighbors and pleaded with them to give James a chance, saying that he was the only reliable person I had had sharing the apartment since Jackie and I didn't want to lose a reliable person, they were all anyway aware of my previous problems. I also pointed out that James was such a shy and timid guy that he was completely harmless.

After a while all my neighbors realized how shy and timid and inoffensive James was and began to accept him, commenting that he was actually quite pretty for a guy, even a little effeminate in his gestures. The neighbor across the hall who was quite a butch woman started calling him pretty boy and even pinching his ass.

I would hear her talking to him on returning to the apartment and his shy demure responses and chuckle to myself at the banter. James would enter the apartment blushing all over and seeing him vulnerable like this gave me a feeling of tenderness towards him. Over the following months it is fair to say that James and I became very close friends. James was a struggling artist and made up his with a day job at Starbucks, it didn't pay much but from that income and the odd painting he sold he got by. Occasionally James could not pay his full share of the rent and I would make up the difference and other times I could not pay my share of the rent and James would make up the difference, I began to see us like a team.

James was easy to talk to and I would increasingly discuss my day to day life with him and my relationships and James reciprocated telling me all about his day at Starbucks. He told me about his gallery owner friend, Annabel who he had once dated in the past but she had let him down gently telling him he was not really manly enough for her, he still had a crush on her.

One day when James was out working at Starbucks, James's bedroom door was open and I thought I saw a bra hanging out of one of his draws. Curiosity got the better of me, and thinking back on it there was a definite pang of Jealousy at the possibility that James might be hanging out with a woman behind my back. I didn't admit it at the time but I was afraid that he might leave the apartment and I had come to depend on his financial help and in all honesty was becoming accustomed to having him around.

Looking through James's drawers and in his wardrobe I found a number of female clothes tucked towards the back of his drawers and pushed towards the back of his wardrobe. It just didn't make sense to me there was no way his "girlfriend" could be living here because I knew for a fact that no woman came to visit the apartment at night, yet the amount of clothes indicated otherwise. Also a disproportionate number of the female clothes were pretty party frocks and short skirts. Also I found it hard to believe that in our very open and frank conversations James had never let slip that he had a love interest.

Intrigued, I told my friend Jackie about the clothes I had found in James's bedroom, and after listing to me she laughed. "Don't you get it, sometimes you are almost as naïve as James, he is obviously a cross dresser, and given his feminine style of thinking and some of his effeminate mannerisms, possibly a latent transsexual."

Suddenly I couldn't help myself from picturing James with his pretty facial features, with long hair and dressed as a woman. I found the idea surprisingly arousing. Suddenly in her usual insightful way Jackie said, "The thought of James as a female really turns you on doesn't it?" I did not say anything but the look in my eyes said it all.

Over the next few weeks James started to grow his hair out and the effect was to make his face look even more girly, I did not mention this, but I did let him know how much I liked his new bohemian look and said that I thought it was very appropriate for an up and coming artist. From time to time I would stroke his hair in a friendly way and often I was very tempted to loosen his pony tail and apply makeup to his face. It took a great effort of willpower on my part to stop myself doing this.

Then suddenly all thoughts of a feminized James were pushed to the back of my mind when I got into a whirlwind affair with an 18 year old girl called Gillian. Gillian, 7 years younger than me was impressed with my experienced poise and confidence and I was swept away by her admiration for me. Looking back on it, I should have realized that my infatuation with Gillian (which is what it really was) was driven by the way she stroked my ego.

Gillian had just broken up with her 22 year old drug addicted girlfriend, and I should have realized that she had attached herself to me on the rebound, but as they say love, or more accurately infatuation is blind, and I was bowled over by this pretty young thing, the whole process was strengthened by the fact that I felt that I was rescuing Gillian by giving her an opportunity for a better life, with me of course.

So it was that after dolling myself up and making myself pretty, my pretty new girlfriend Gillian dumped me at the restaurant where I was waiting for her with a text message saying that her drug addicted ex girlfriend had begged her to return, saying that this time she would kick the habit for good if Gillian came back to her, Gillian had decided that on reflection she couldn't live without her and had decided to go back to her.

I was devastated, I mean who wouldn't be, I had just been dumped by a very attractive 18 year old girl who apparently had considered me to be her reason for existence. In reality she had actually done me a favor, but at that moment I couldn't stop crying. Ordering two double whisky's and downing them one after the other. I paid up and got a taxi back to my apartment.

On returning to my apartment I was greeted by a very worried looking James who appeared very concerned to see me in tears, at that moment my heart went out to him.

I sat on the sofa and after answering James's inquiry about what had happened to me, gratefully accepted his invitation to snuggle in his arms, at this juncture I just want to make it clear that we had both become accustomed to giving each other friendly, entirely platonic hugs.

James seeing how upset I was, was super sensitive to my needs and immediately offered to make me an omelet which I gratefully accepted as I had not eaten anything in the restaurant and was feeling very hungry. As we ate I broke out 2 bottles of wine to drink with the meal, of which I drank one and a third on top of the 2 double whiskies I had drank earlier, I was trying to drown out my sorrow at having been jilted by Gillian.

As I drank I started to lose my normal inhibitions, I became aware that James seemed much more feminine than usual, smelling of my lavender bath salts, and I told him so. Then as I lay back against James I became aware that his arms and legs were as smooth as a woman's. In my mind in order to take my mind off Gillian I started to imagine James as a woman, in that moment he was no longer James to me but Jamie. I complimented Jaime on her smooth legs and undid her pony tail telling her to shake it out, suddenly the femininity started to come out as I looked at her, and with my secret knowledge of her cross dressing started to take advantage of the poor dear. In reality she didn't stand a chance as I played out the pain of my situation to maximum advantage getting Jamie to humor me in an effort to blank out the earlier events of the evening.

So it was that I persuaded poor little Jamie to let me make her up and finally almost dragged her into my room, and dressed and dressed her in some of my panties and bra, and the prom dress that I had kept from my senior prom.

When I saw Jamie a vision in white wearing my beautiful dress and with her pretty face and luxurious hair, I gasped at the incredible sight before me, there was no trace of manhood as I looked at her, only a beautiful young woman and at this moment I felt a surge of pure lust.

Pushing Jamie onto the bed I started kissing her ardently, imagining going down on a beautiful shaved pussy and in my ardor I made it clear to her exactly how much I wished she could be a true woman. In my drunken state I was not fully aware of my words and actions and it never occurred to me how much I could frustrate Jamie by placing this impossible demand on her. It was in this semi conscious state that I drifted into sleep.

The following morning I felt bad about the way I had pushed James into dressing up and had led him on by my actions when we both knew that what I needed was a real woman. Interestingly though I could not help thinking of him as Jamie and seeing him as feminine.