The Materializing of Matthew

After we were all spent, I woke up from our clandestine love-making feeling empty and wrong.

"This is wrong. I have to go. You have a girlfriend." I said, words upon words.

I never wanted to break up a relationship, now I was the third party.

"I broke up with Gerda. I dropped her off at the station. I'm a free man. Would you consider having a casual relationship, a fling or whatever it's called with me?" He asked.

I never thought I could do a "fling" but I agreed, because I did love him. I knew he would never love me in return, and was just enjoying sex without obligations. Still, I had nothing to lose.

I said yes, I would.

He groaned, buried his head into my chest, and we made love all over again.

"What about your mother?" I asked, still in his bed.

"Do you think I'm still a teenage boy?" He asked sheepishly.

"Hell, no." I blushed.

Over the next few months, we had a secret relationship. I would travel to the city where he worked and during the weekends, he would return to Mrs. Good's house, where I would sneak in through the window.

We never discussed the nature of our relationship anymore. For me, I knew it was bound to end at some point and I treasured every moment of it. He seemed to be doing the same. Naturally, not all was about sex. We talked often about everything and nothing. We did activities in the city together, but never in the village or town where Paul worked.

One day, Matthew came round to my place with Mrs. Good. I cordially invited them in. Mrs. Good mentioned that Matthew had got a business opportunity in the United States and it was too good to miss. He was going to sell his internet start-up and start a new business there. That was the plan.

"Oh, congratulations!" I said, beaming and smiling from end to end.

Matthew said thank you. Plans were not certain yet but he is looking forward to it.

"And may he find a nice American girl." Mrs. Good said.

"I'm sure you will, Matthew." I said.

I was on happy mode. I did not want it to show that I was upset.

"Yeah, perhaps I will find myself a nice girl." He said, looking at me.

I smiled again.

That night, I did not climb into his window. Just yesterday, he did not have the guts to tell me that he was leaving. His mother had to tell me, not suspecting at all that we were having a six months fling.

He however knocked at my door, this time alone.

We exchanged hellos and he was about to caress my hair and face. I pulled away.

"We knew that it would come to an end, somehow." He whispered into my ear.

"I know." I said.

"Good luck in America." I continued.

He thanked me.

"You made a proposition to me six months ago. Now I want to make you a proposition too. Would you not only have sex with me but also marry me?" He asked suddenly.

He made a grab towards me, as I lost my footing. Yet I was never more rooted to the ground than that moment.

"What?"

"Is the sex enough to marry me?" He repeated.

Now we stood face to face. Only that he was much taller and I shorter. It would have been comical in some way. His eyes were sparkling with a strange light. My fingers reached out to tendrils of his hair at the side of his ears. I caressed his hair. I gazed at him, also intensely. Slowly, he bent down, waiting for my reaction. I moved forwards and towards him. He kissed me harshly on my lips.

I took it all in. I did not resist. I craved for it in all wantonness and improprieties, if it should arise. I pulled him closer towards me, feeling his warmth against my breath, feeling his passion against my very own.

After what seemed like an eternity where no words were exchanged, he broke the silence.

He now spoke very gently to me.

"I'm sorry I didn't say it right. I want to say that I love you, and that I always have, and it would make me very happy if you agreed to be my wife. I know you do not love me, but it doesn't matter. I can take care of you for life should you need a companion." He said.

He was very much in earnest. It made me feel like crying.

"You love me?" I asked.

"Yes, I have always loved you, Angela. I had a crush on you when I was fifteen, however inappropriate it might have been. When I was in my twenties, I fell for you deep and hard, but I never told you. I always went dating others to hide that fact. I knew you saw me as your student still, and perhaps still do? Or is it because I am fifteen years younger than you?" He said.

"I do love you." I said softly.

"I just thought that I was too old for you, and that you viewed me as your teacher after all these years." I said.

Tears were in my eyes.

He groaned and pulled me back towards him.

"I found the right one. She has always been with me. She was my teacher, my counsellor, my friend..." He continued; his face in my silver-grey hair.

His voice was solid and warm.

Now I glanced deep into his eyes, into his soul. I saw that he meant every word he said.

"I was afraid that you would reject me. I thought you did love me, but sometimes I wasn't sure. You were also my mother's friend. It complicated things. You were so rational it was difficult to see any signs that you did love me." He said, in a quiet resonance of a voice.

"I have come to you know Please accept me." He pleaded.

"Will you marry me now, Angela dearest?" He asked.

"Matthew, I will marry you." I replied, with all my heart.

"Are you really going to America?" I asked.

"Only if you want to start afresh." He answered.

I pulled him towards me. We embraced and it was some time before we let go of each other, much to the looks of a very surprised Mrs. Good who had come looking for Matthew.

"Well, I never saw that coming." She said later.

"I suppose, better you than someone I don't know." She pacified herself.

She did sulk as she did not view me as a good enough and not young enough candidate for her son. I did not blame her. Eventually after a period of two years, she softened her stance and accepted me as her son's wife, if not daughter-in-law.

Matthew is a good husband, and I, a good wife. At least, I like to think of it that way. He is still quite sharp and blunt in his words. Marriage did not change that, but I wouldn't want it any other way. I felt like I've been given a second chance at happiness with a partner, and it did not come too late. He irritates me with his cynicism and I bother him with my rationalism. Yet I think that this momentum is precisely what bonds us together.

He made me feel lovelier than ever, and I have never felt happier. It is true that everything is relative. If you have never experienced it, you would never miss it. When I was an old maid, I did not feel like I was in need of anything else, but now I simply cannot do without him. My life has been more exciting than ever!

Well, who would have thought of it? I ended up being a "cougar" - a term I thought only applied to Hollywood actresses and strange, over-the-top women. But here I am, standing tall and proud. My blossoming from young lady to old maid to cougar has been one incredible journey, to which I would like to heave a sigh of contentment and now, if you do not mind, I would like to burrow into the cosiness of my husband's warmth. Scandalous, no?