The Murder of Dr Black

'Now, Dr Black was seen alive and well by all guests at approximately five minutes to ten tonight, when he bade you all goodnight and left this room. At that time Mrs White had already been absent for half an hour or more, supposedly downstairs. Several of you mentioned to me however that you heard footsteps outside this room not long before Dr Black retired, and indeed that Dr Black did so too and was prompted to fetch a revolver in jest.

'It seems that there was not much coming and going on your part after that. Nobody is able to swear that any particular person did not leave this room, although it is possible that Professor Plum and Miss Scarlett may not have done so. However, nobody noticed any change of expression, nor flush, nor sign of exertion in the rest of the party, which to me is remarkable if someone here is guilty.

'Downstairs, nobody can corroborate anybody else's movements at all.

'As for motive...I understand that Dr Black's will leaves his considerable estate, apart from a few small individual bequests, to Mrs White. Nobody else benefits. The other servants are likely to have to seek employment elsewhere. I also gather that Dr Black and Mrs White were, er, intimate; such a relationship might also have provided a motive.

'I can find no motive for anyone here, nor can I see why any of the guests should have chosen such a time to carry out such an attack, rather than in the morning for example when one could return to one's own bedroom instead of having to face the company.

'Therefore I am going to arrest Mrs White shortly and take her to the station. I am sorry you have all had to sit through this long and distressing night. Thank you all for your cooperation.'

'Well!' began Professor Plum. 'Thank goodness that's over!'

'It isn't, actually,' said Colonel Mustard sharply from his chair. 'I think the Inspector may have missed something. There is someone here who had a very strong motive. Someone who is desperately in love, but who lives in fear that the man she hopes to marry will find out her sordid past. No nebulous, hypothetical worry, either -- the tears on her face you saw earlier were tears of relief that Dr Black would no longer be bleeding her of her savings, and no longer able to threaten to tell Mr Green of her past unnatural practices -- her sexual inversion with Theodora Brown!'

Mrs Peacock burst into shrill sobs, but she looked neither at Colonel Mustard nor at the police; only at Mr Green. 'I wasn't...it was so long ago! He blackmailed me for years! He knew I...I...loved you!'

Mr Green pulled Mrs Peacock to him and let her cry on his chest, looking defiantly at the rest of the room. 'She can't be blamed. That counts as a crime passionnel.' He looked at the Inspector. 'That's not murder. That -- it -- she can't be blamed!'

'And she won't be!'

The powerful stage voice of Seraphina-Selene Scarlett drew everyone's attention to her, though she was not loud. 'She won't be, because she is innocent!'

'Quite right,' said Professor Plum. 'The Inspector's case is sound.'

'Yes,' said Inspector Marigold. 'I don't know about this business of blackmail, but --'

'Innocent,' continued Miss Scarlett, her voice rising now, 'incontrovertibly, because the true murderer was seen. I saw you!' she shouted, standing and pointing at the Inspector. 'I saw you strike Dr Black from behind as he climbed the stairs, and drag him down to where he was found! I am an eye-witness!'

'No!' wailed Professor Plum. 'You can't have, you were here! I made sure they were here!' he finished furiously, looking at the Inspector.

'Be quiet! Be quiet!' snarled the Inspector, 'you fool!'

Colonel Mustard glanced at Sergeant Ash and Dr Rose.

'Thank you, Professor,' he said mildly, 'there are six witnesses here to your admission that you knew when your wife was committing the crime, and to her reaction. Sergeant, if you will contact Somerset House on Monday morning you will, I think, easily get confirmation of the marriage, although they have attempted to keep it secret. Dr Rose, would you be kind enough to fetch Grey and Mrs White from downstairs? They should know the case has been solved.'

He crossed to the door and closed it behind Dr Rose, while Ash escorted the Inspector to a chair on the far side of the room and stood by her. The Colonel got drinks for Mrs Peacock and Mr Green, then for Ash, and finally for Miss Scarlett and himself.

'Seraphina, darling,' he said. 'You were perfect.'

Dr Rose entered, followed by Mrs White and the butler.

'Drinks?' Colonel Mustard asked, rising again.

'Sir!' said Grey, shocked.

'Very well then Grey, you go ahead. Something for yourself and for the Doctor, and a double for Mrs White, I should say. Those two,' he gestured at the Professor and the Inspector, both speechless, 'can wait.'

As Grey got drinks for them, Colonel Mustard began to speak.

'Bertie Black's will,' he said, sitting back down next to Miss Scarlett, 'does indeed leave his estate to Mrs White. And why not, given their very close relations over the last two or three years? But it also, as I happen to know, names his childhood friend Professor Plum here as alternate beneficiary if Mrs White should die and if then he also should die without having made a new will. This unpleasant pair conceived the idea of framing her for the murder of her lover and employer, so that under the forfeiture rule she would be unable to inherit and the money would go to Plum, and they were getting nervous because Bertie and Mrs White were becoming less and less discreet and they feared a marriage.'

He stopped and looked at Mrs White, who nodded and said simply 'Next year...'

'We all remember, I'm sure, that Inspector Marigold has been pretending all evening not to have met the Professor before -- not even knowing his name. I have just called a friend of mine who happens to live near him, who has confirmed he has seen the Inspector visiting on more than one occasion, and when the police get a copy of the marriage record that should wrap things up. I doubt very much, personally, if the Inspector would have looked twice at the Professor if he had not been a possible inheritor of this estate, and I consider that he is very lucky to be facing several years in gaol for conspiracy rather than a few months with a wife eyeing his money, probably ending in his own encounter with a lead pipe.

'So they planned the murder for yesterday evening, knowing we would all be able to say that Mrs White was who-knows-where but that we were all together. I suppose she parked some distance down the lane and walked up. Plum bored us all to tears with a long story after Bertie had left us, taking us all to the far corner of the room away from the door - ostensibly to look at his miserable pendant under the corner lamp, but really making sure that she would have time to kill him, drive back to town and arrive at work for the night shift at the station before he was found, and minimising the chance that we would hear anything. Remember Bertie didn't recognise the footsteps -- he didn't really think there was an intruder, but it put the idea of burglary into his head because he decided to fetch that revolver of his to show us. If it had been Mrs White, or even if it had been Grey, he would have recognised the tread.

'All the evidence against Mrs White was manufactured or circumstantial. That was why the Inspector harped on about her while claiming to be collecting our evidence -- which was really what gave me the clue. She didn't ask me at all about the will or about Bertie's character, although she knew I was almost as old a friend of his as the Professor, or other possible motives; if she had she might have been forewarned that Molly here also had a motive and then they wouldn't have been so busy refuting that idea when the foremost actress in the country sprang the truth on them.

'I didn't know he was Molly's blackmailer until tonight -- I heard rumours. Seraphina knew she was in love with the rector, and we put our heads together. Mrs White knew, and was going to put a stop to it so that two souls who deserve a bit of happiness could find it.'

He looked at Mrs Peacock and Mr Green, who had eyes only for each other.

'Seraphina thought Molly might be willing to play bait in the last little act of this drama as thanks for the help Mrs White wanted to give her, and so she was. I am so sorry,' the Colonel looked at the tearful Mrs White again, 'that you have lost Bertie, and I hope you will be able to sort through the many suitors you will now surely have and find someone who will make you at least as happy.'

For several seconds, nobody spoke. Then Ash said to Dr Rose, 'Will you drive the Professor to the station for me, sir? I will take the Inspector.'

'You are a man of great integrity, Sergeant,' said the Colonel. 'You will have to contact the Chief Inspector about all this, but I will make sure he hears it from me as well.'

'Thank you, sir.'

The two prisoners and two officers left the room, followed by Grey, who also jerked out 'Thank you, Colonel,' as he escorted Mrs White out.

Mrs Peacock, Mr Green, Miss Scarlett and Colonel Mustard looked at each other. Mr Green cleared his throat.

'There seems to be an assumption,' he said quietly, 'that men of the cloth are peculiarly strait-laced. Molly, although I do not get on at all well with Theodora Brown, any past peccadilloes of yours are meaningless to me. You had nothing to fear. Thank you, Colonel.'

He rose, shook hands with Colonel Mustard then offered his arm to Mrs Peacock, who took it. As they left the room, Colonel Mustard beckoned Miss Scarlett to come with him and follow them at a few paces' distance. As they reached the door, the rector's whisper from the staircase was clearly audible:

'...not strait-laced at all, and the more details you give me of how you licked Theodora Brown's pussy the harder my dick will be for you...'

Miss Scarlett turned to the Colonel with a mischievous smile.

'Can you stand not hearing that story?' she murmured, batting her eyes exaggeratedly.

'I think so...as long as you can tell me some better ones.'

'That's a deal,' Miss Scarlett said.

'They'll have to be very risqué to pique the interest of a man who was sleeping within earshot of Mrs White and Bertie for the last few nights.'

She cupped her breasts through her dress and squeezed them gently. 'Ah, but with my stories you get to act them out, and you have the foremost actress in the country, apparently, to enact them with you. Come and play with these, and I'll tell you stories till daybreak.'

They mounted the stairs of Tudor Close together.