All Comments on 'The Nuclear Family Pt. 02'

These people are so detached from reality it isnt interesting. this entire story s detached from reality though so it's whatever....and why is a business lawyer taking over his divorce? First professional fight and he's the new champ? did amy also know she was cheating? why else would she be saving herself for a married man? Oh well...My guess is part 3 Amy reveals she's secretly bisexual and loves 3somes and her lingerie model friend (who's also a virgin) has been bugging her for a go

Waaaay too much Amy in this Chapter.

Ordinarily, one shouldn't commit oneself to a woman who refuses to tell you what she does for a living.

Exciting chapter!

5

Thank you.

Love this one very much.

Superb mate. Sunnie Coast any day.

Just awful.

I believe you are mistakenly using "common" instead of "c'mon". Happened in the first release as well.

The editing you need is not so much in spelling and grammar (although that's needed, too), but in the pacing of the story. The entire 'romance' between him and Amy is laughable. I had to skim through all of the fluff to get back to the storyline, which is pretty difficult to consume. Maybe you found something in the two stories you mentioned as having influence that you wanted to improve upon. You haven't found it yet.

this is a great story. Love it. AAAAAA+++++

This is getting better as it goes. Look forward to the oncoming fight.

Simpletons would find this story too simple...

Damn good story as always.

Well written kudos to other2othet1's skill in writing.

/

But I have to say this was too much fantasy I think I'm losing interest. Robbie has too much odds on his side that I know he wins What I'll probably would like to learn is if Robbie continues his freeloading lifestyle on Amy's money or will he buy the floundering family business on his own effort and build it back up with his own money. Because I feel Any is totally protective of her assets and her having more money than Robbie might put some dent on her love for him as western successful women sometimes get if their hubby's aren't the breadwinner of the family. That drama might be an interesting story chapter on its own between Robbie and Amy.

There are writers on this site who can actually write a great long story, you're not one of them, we don't need minute details like her showing him where he could unpack. A good editor/proofreader would actually help with that, not just spelling etc.

Love this story please hurry with the rest!

Yay, that took way longer from submission to publishing than I thought. Part 1 came out a little over 2 days after hitting submit, this one took almost 6 days. Thanks to everyone for a little patience.

The good news is that after a whole lot of travel this week, I've got a few hours set aside tomorrow to do a final read of Part 3. If there is nothing further to adjust, then I'll look to get it submitted for publishing tomorrow in place of Sunday.

Now for everyone saying this wouldn't happen in reality, that this is a big fantasy, guess what, you're damm right it's fantasy. There is no way that anything like this would happen in real life outside of staged reality shows (which I never watch so I could be wrong).

May I encourage you to suspend your logical brains, enjoy the story, enjoy the drama that is coming, because Robbie is by no means finished with his family!

Thanks everyone, I'm enjoying this a little more than I should ;)

Regards

John Other

Liking it. Please post next part ASAP. Please.

Part 2 and still no character development. Robbie still gets everything out of thin air, his family still produces same pre-scripted insults and Amy OF COURSE loves him unconditionally and goddess in bed.

Maybe next parts would have plot twists, otherwise this is more a LW pattern

The first part I really enjoyed. This one not so much until the last two pages. Amy having that money and the success she is at 24 turn me off. Rarely do you see a woman like that doing what she is with Robbie unless he is handsome and a bad boy for her to own.

First part, excellent, second part bogged down for the first 3 pages. Ended well, lets see part 3.

I truly hope his entire family is brought to heel and that he doesn't save them. I can see some remorse with the mother, but she still chose to hide the affair and is now continuing to side with them despite her supposed love for Robbie. Please don't make this a story where he forgives and helps them in the end. Or where they get any happiness. It is beyond undeserved.

Was good. I just hope you don't go the same route by forgiving the mother. She knew what was going on, she lied, she would have made him an unknowing cuck, she condoned the relationship with the wife and brother and she even said she supports her husband. She still takes no blame for what she and her family have done. She is pure evil. And she sheds few tears and he hugs her. I can see whats going to happen a mile off. I hope I'm wrong. But knowing this site and its writers you'll bitch out. Just my opinion.

No, just plain no. The ability to put words together is there, but the ability to tell a story using those words, without putting the readers to sleep, is not.

WIMP with a capital W. No wait, all letters in caps as he is that big a WIMP. What use is muay thai if at heart he is such a pussy? He does not do anything to his family but calmly reasons with them. When his sister Joanna visits him, he kicks his ass verbally, he politely asks her to leave. Do you enjoy making him such a pussy? Why not man him up and let him grow a pair? He badly needs it.

I see that you are replying and have posted a reply out here just an hour ago. Hope you reply to this as I would love to know your mindset in making him such a pussy. At times, confrontation is necessary. This is such a case.

This chapter was rambling on with irrelevant details, it was quite boring actually until the fight and the confrontation with the family. You really tend to make your stories too wordy so that it actually causes confusion and finally pain. 2* for this one.

Long and disappointing

After ten pages of this we know what happened between Robbie and his family. Move on with the story and stop rehashing the betrayals.

honestly, I skimmed so much as I found it incredibly boring.

What would make the story better would be some antagonist with at least a brain who can function on his own in society. Really, the whole family is like a pre-scripted cardboard. How can you be leading a big buisness if you cant even think or listen what someone says. I mean, his father had the buisness quite a long time. Even before Robbie was any part of it and it worked. Nobody in the world can be as stupid like his family. If they actually were that dumb they would have never achieved anything in their life.

While I've enjoyed the story there is a lack of suspense in the story that if there it would greatly enhance it greatly. Suspense is generated by thwarting desire. As humans, all of us are driven by our needs, our wants and desires. This must be true for the characters we create as well. A good author job's is to thwart his characters, especially the "hero", and delay them from achieving their desires and wants as long as possible.

The great pulp writer Lester Dent put it this way; "when it comes to your hero, right out of the gate swat him with a fistful of trouble. Let him make a little headway the shovel more grief onto the hero. Chase him up a tree and throw rocks at him. The hero being heroic must struggle and over come. Just when the hero makes some headway, Shovel the difficulties more thickly upon the hero. Get the hero almost buried in his troubles. Since he's the hero, the hero extricates himself from his troubles by using his own skills, training, brain or brawn any any combination of these with a dash of good ole luck.

Right now, Robbie has everything falling in his lap. A new perfect girlfriend with lots of money and connections to address all of his legal problems and take care of him so he doesn't have to work to survive like everyone else. Said girlfriend is totally in love and devoted to him and its a perfect relationship. He gets to train for his MMA fighting in a first class gym with every accommodation he could ever imagine. He wins his first big MMA fight fairly easily and his winning was never in doubt. Right now Robbie could fall into a big pile of shit and come out of it smelling like a rose with a bag of gold in each hand. Not much suspense in all that.

As expected. Another excellent part to the story. Eagerly awaiting the next two installments. 5 stars once again.

Let,’s get on with it.

This was a better chapter than the 1st. Looking forward to the last two chapters. Don't understand why you are waiting if they are done.

I agree with others in that Ch 1 was excellent but Ch 2 was not as good except for the fight and the ending. I am looking forward to the next chapter to see where the fight with the family ends up. I hope he and Amy find true happiness.

Great story I like it but you can't Sue someone for quitting even in Australia you're not forced to work somebody there is no slavery. Unless you have a contract which violated I don't think you can be sued. As far as bad mouthing someone to other employers there are libel laws even in Australia. So the father in the end is a big loser.

not quite as strong as part one but still good. I'd bring it to a wrap up ASAP in part 3.

Love it, keep them coming.

Good story. Could maybe use a little more character development. And like most of these stories, he loses his family and his job and finds another woman who’s better looking, a virgin, rich and loves him with every fiber of her being. Well I got divorced once two and there was not a woman like that waiting for me.

I actually understand the family dynamic a bit. I was the first child a son but while I was a math computer nerd, my father was not. My younger brother was chosen but nowhere near the level in your story. It happens.

This is the type of story I like, over the top total family betrayal with righteous anger. Not even remotely realistic but I don't care, now I just need Robbie to utterly destroy his former family. 5*

I was laughing while reading dear old Brad's tirade.

Good story!

THANK YOU

You keep a reader on the edge of their seat as always. Great storyline.

Why do I feel like I’ve read this somewhere before

I enjoy all of your stories and I look to Parts 3 and 4 bring published ASAP. If someone doesn't like it, don't read it

So you've gotten long-winded over trivial points and the story has lost its steam. Too much about his rich girl friend (doesn't every divorced man have a super rich, hot girl waiting in the wings?) and their unlikely advancement and not enough about his ex-family and the reasons behind their actions. Maybe you get back on track in the next episode of this melodrama, maybe not. We'll see. Try not to wait so long between chapters. We forget easily. And it IS eerily similar to previous stories on this site. At least you gave those authors credit, although it was delayed credit. But hey. Isn't every story a clone of other ideas?

I loved it, but it's also a very very stupid plot point. Rob's father KNOWS he was being recorded making his threats. Even if he had that sorta power to ruin them, that recording will HURT him if it's made public.

I mean, his dad needs rocks for brains to not realize how fucked his revenge plans are from the starting gate.

Of course with Rob's ferocity being a factor his dad needs to consider. If Rob had NO MONEY....what's to stop him from literally round house kicking his dad into a comma? Nothing. That's another point against his dad.

That being said....you're a sneaky fuck author....because I'm still gonna love the shit outta your part three. Even if you telegraphed it. I hate you for that. Amazing job.

It's good overall but there's no suspense or drama. Even the fathers threat to destroy him is hollow as no court in any land i know of would ever side with him. A company being reliant on one person to run it then crashing when they leave is a company problem, not a legal one. Not to mention all resolved by a little leak on social media about their company ethics with allowing what went on to happen.

For me this has corrupt judges partaking in his mother or ex wife's charms or daddy downloading child porn on to his sons laptop written all over it. Hope I'm wrong as those tropes are pretty overplayed but it's the only way to create any sense of drama here now. Dad, sister and Brother are too stupid to be a compelling villain otherwise.

Subtle hint, but then not so much. Amy will own Total Build in the end, with Robbie as CEO. (If this were real, I'd tell them not to do it as they would have to reside back in his hometown, with all the drama.) I can see a lot of synergy in their coupling from a business perspective. I'm looking forward to the last chapters and appreciate you keeping the plot lines "real", with no bullshit surprises for the reader just because you can. 5*

Have enjoyed everything you have authored...and looking for more!!!!

I am giving this a 4 *. That said it is not a 5 due to a lack of adversity for the protagonist. He is now a MMA fighter and has an uber wealthy girlfriend who can buy and sell all his opponents.

This chapter ended with nothing at risk.

Looking forward to Brad getting knocked off his high horse hard.

Mia plot, no idea what the point was. Added so little to the story. Your dialogue is too lengthy. Cut it in half and the flow will be better. It goes on and on and on and on. This plot is so similar to the twin one it makes me wonder if this is your only idea. Rich woman to rescue.

“Now for everyone saying this wouldn't happen in reality, that this is a big fantasy, guess what, you're damm right it's fantasy. There is no way that anything like this would happen in real life outside of staged reality shows (which I never watch so I could be wrong).

May I encourage you to suspend your logical brains, enjoy the story, enjoy the drama that is coming, because Robbie is by no means finished with his family!”

—-

Sigh…..yes, it’s “fantasy”. But as any good writer of fantasy fiction would tell you, your “fantasy” still needs to be intrinsically LOGICAL. At least for the most part. It is just not logical that his entire family could be so completely devoid of common sense regarding the MASSIVE disrespect they slammed Robbie with concerning his wife. Even a year later ALL OF THEM still think what was done by his brother and wife was virtually nothing? Damn….. And the Robbie-Amy thing….so at 24 she’s an international biz wiz multimillionaire….centerfold quality babe…and she’s been saving herself for Robbie? Yeah…bizzarro world. And if Robbie is such a competent “operations manager” that his talents are what single-handedly made his family’s business a success…then why does he sit around unemployed for almost a year mooching on friends? And why didn’t Amy tell him straight away that she wants his talents for her business?

.

Look….you are right that readers need to suspend their rational brain a bit to enjoy something like this….but there’s “fantasy”….and then there is just plain dumb.

.

3 ***……barely.

Liked the first chapter better. Amy's pathological attachment is too out of left field. Robbie doesn't seem to harbor the hated from part one and his ambivalence is a big disconnect from the first chapter. You are not making Robbie's family as evil and conniving in this chapter either, which really added to the emotional impact of chapter one. Hope you can pick up the emotional energy in the final two chapters....seems like this one is fading away from you.

Looking forward to the fight with his family. They are idiots.

I liked Part 2 more than Part 1, and this last page set a course for the rest of the story - stupid stupid arrogant Brad.

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This one sentence by Brad destroyed any future possible reconciliation, "You were an unwanted child that never should have happened." To tell your kid this and announce he would destroy his kid due to leaving his business. How ignorant is Brad? How did Brad ever build his business?

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Story need, how Robbie becomes a significant business partner/leader to Amy's companies. If Robbie was so integral to 'Total Build' it needs to by transferred into ALRO - this has not been well developed. Robbie is no idiot and MMA success is a hobby that will fade with their first baby.

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I want to follow this saga just to see how much Robbie crushes Total Build/Brad/Jr.

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I can see Amy investing in a 'Total Build' competing business just to drive 'Total Build' into bankruptcy OR buy into a company that gets a 'Total Build' contract with a highly detailed P.O. with absolute delivery dates - sue the shit out of 'Total Build' for any/all contract/quality misses.

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5*****, Hooyah, Salutes

Great story. ALRO, of course, has to stand for “Amy Loves Robbie Otter”

Millionaire and a virgin? Where do I sign. Loved it, bring on the Other parts. 5⭐️

The first part drifted part of chapter 02 drifted offtopic to me. The second was good.

More more more!!!

I’m into it, and I know I’m just an anonymous douchebag… but I’m begging you, if it’s not too late, please, please trim the fat.

You said this was the shortest part, and that makes my jaw drop. At least 70% of this was padding. Minute-by-minute accounting of mundane nothing. We got an extremely drawn out courtship that went exactly where it was telegraphed, and yet another example of the same collection of nearly implausible retardation from his family.

I can’t even imagine what’s left in two more, even longer parts. I agree with a previous commenter that there needs to be a twist or something to make this one worth it.

You’re good, you have it in you.

I disagree with the Anon below. There is no fat here. I love how you flesh out your multi-part stories and enjoy every word.

Great.....Now you can take this it's own way. I look forward to the next parts. Thanks

I'm kinda hoping in the next chapter the mom finally having enough of her idiot husband and two idiot children and joins Robbie. Be an interesting dynamic if its not just Robbie against his family but Robbie and his mom against the rest, maybe Amy and Robbie making some babies would push her to their side.. 5 stars, yes its a little derivative but does interesting things with the premise. I can't wait to see the fight against the family, they've definitely done nothing to make the reader sympathetic to them save the mom, if anything I hate the family more this chapter for just not being willing to back off or apologize.

I tried to like this story. I really tried, but all the pretentious dialogue, the improbable and over-the-top plot development just won't let me. As far as technical merit goes, the writer does have a fair grasp of grammar and does not always slip from present tense into past tense too often, but he's awfully loose with punctuation. Sometimes it actually interferes with the communicative process. He doesn't explain his terminology either. If you include stuff endemic to Australia, and you expect people in other countries to understand, then you explain. The writer doesn't bother. Did I mention the horrible dialogue? Oh, yes, I did... but it is really, really, really terrible. People just don't talk as the writer has his two-dimensional characters doing. Yeah, that's another thing--no character development. Heck, I've spent enough time on this. RECOMMENDATION: Don't waste your valuable time reading this story.

Just doesn't get any better. Are you sure Amy isn't a twin? I could handle that again. 7 stars, the Bear definatlely approves. worth the wait. Hurry up with the other parts.

The BEAR

hopefully u will wash out that family its starting to come into a mental handicap area with them. after that last family scene there no way those ppl made a business and having it still running. amy is a bit too much to be real as well. eh idk i dont mind fantasy but there are limits

I like where we have been and looking forward to the continuing journey.

I’m enjoying this story. Yours is more than slightly different to the other two stories. You have your own story now with this chapter.

I look forward to the next chapters. Living in Brisbane l do enjoy the local references l must say.

Scores 5/5

Well, gee, I enjoyed reading the story.

I guess if you want to try your hand at selling the next great American novel to a publishing house reading the Lit comments will thicken anyone's skin. Reading some of the comments one would think this was training ground for the Harvard Review or something. Sure, a professional editor would gut this story; and also every story except for those from about 5 of the authors on this site. I do think that over-the-top characters--whether it's phenomenal bank balances, twenty years of Seal training or villains blessed with unbalanced minds--tend to weaken the challenges a protagonist faces. That being said there's been some great stories written about Superman...

Publish your story. We'll read it or not, and you'll receive all the criticism, constructive or not, that you may use to make the next one better. Or not.

"Robert Other is removed and divorced from this family."

.

It would have been so easy to have him reply, "So, you're giving me what I wanted a year ago?"

Fantastic story. Both chapters have been great. Very much looking forward to the next one. 5stars

Quite bluntly, this is too fantasy to be real. Come on real life sucks. It’s total fantasy. Never is real life this contrived

Many thanks for a thoughtful, engaging and well-fashioned tale. Your writing evinces a technical competence that put you in the top tiers of LW authors: word choice/vocabulary, sentence structure, grammar and punctuation -- all first rate. And not to mention the wearisome proof-reading!

Oh yes: I almost forgot. Thanks for using the American version of our common language. I don't mind the UK version too much except that I sometimes can't begin to figure out what some of their idioms and slang expressions mean. It's frustrating because the context often implies something profound is being said.

Looking forward to the remaining parts.

Since parts 3 and 4 are finished there is no need to tell you what needs to be improved on. I made my suggestions in my comment for part 1.

It is fiction so I don't mind suspending a little logic when reading a story, but I do wish when you write a description for a love scene you remember sometimes less is more, and people, unfortunately, do have anatomical limitation.

If, as you claim, the rest of the story has been written and edited then why the f... don't you PUBLISH it???

🌟🌟🌟

Thank you for an excellent story. I'm looking forward to the rest of the story. There is an old saying "Don't bring a knife to a gun fight". In this case the analogy would be more along the lines of a small group of terrorists armed with small knives attacking a major military base, that is on high alert and has excellent intel on the attacking force, and the foolish attacker plans to cross the firing range. They could be nice and just let the guards and MPs get the with pistols and rifles, but they also have jeeps, and APCs with machine guns, not to mention tanks, attack helicopters, and of course bombers with the nuclear option always available. My guess is the Brad Sr. along with Brad Jr., Joanna, and Georgia will start a war, and get totally destroyed. Maybe Amy's company will buy Total Build after they go bankrupt, and Robbie puts the right people in charge. Maybe Hattie gets smart and grows a backbone and divorces her louse of a husband, and Robbie and Amy help her. The rest of the family is going down hard.

Might I have some more?

A good second part. Still looking forward to reading the rest of the series. I also like how the family at least tried to explain their side of the issue. We really get that in these type of stories. The betrayers are still insane and the bitches still need to be burned though. lol

You have so much unnecesarry filler. Its makes what could be a great story mediocre, in part 1 you repeated the same speach, just copy and paste to make it longer now you have him getting together with the virgin sister who makes him sign non disclosure shite and won't tell him what she actually does for a living. Get better editors who will help you cut out the bullshit.

The story is good but it is buried in an avalanche of excess words! Show some mercy and cut the next two chapters in half. I promise you no one will miss a thing

Too. Repetitious ,to drown out, ami the savior, the family that thinks there loser son who impregnated bob wife is the man. More like a total loser. I can’t believe the way you wrote his shit family putting him down knowing without him they will lose everything. A virgin AMY really way out, also a rich girl from early bitcoin investing . Only a writer can make up this shit?

You've heard of over acting? This story is over written. The characters are from a cartoon world, where words and actions have no consequence, no meaning, and no relationship. You put words in their mouths that are pointless, inane, disingenuous, even ridiculous. So the father hates his youngest son because his conception was unexpected? I thought we would at least find out that the MC is not really the father's child, which would explain why his mother didn't think Georgia's betrayal was all that serious. Same old, same old. Of course the cuck ends up a better looking, better fucking, rich woman. He should send Brad, Jr. a thank you note. Overall a tedious and puzzling story. Still, thanks for the effort.

I'm looking forward to where this goes. All I ask is there's no stupid ass stuff in Robbie and Amy's relationship. Too many authors on here start off a redemption story then the MC get broken again and again and I'm tired of those personally

Great story Well told and well written I have read all your other(other) lol stories and you sure have a knack (jaybee186)

Excellent as usual and expected! Thank you. 5 BIG FAT BLAZING STARS!

tl:dr

This Monstrosity induces boredom by Verbosity. Made it through 2.5 pages. Can't read another... bloody.... word. Of course, if I do read another word or even sentence, there's a 90% chance it will be the second or ninth of fiftieth time I've read the same bleedin' thing.

I dig stories like this but agree you need to trim the fat. My hope is that there is no redemption for the family. It already appears as if there will be, at some point, forgiveness for the mother and it will be excused as her trying to keep the family together in the face of terrible options but now realizing it was wrong. There should no absolution and no forgiveness for the ex-wife, father, brother and sister. Anything short of that is a wasted story.

I can never understand why an author who says the story is complete delays posting all the parts. Why make the reader wait for subsequent installments? I’ll have forgotten what I already read by the time the next part appears. Makes it hard to follow the storyline over a full week between posts. Put it all out there so I can read it with some continuity.

I read the first part. Got halfway down the second page of this part and I just can't. This reads more lie a Harlequin Romance novel, and thats not my cup of tea.

A very good read

okay, at the dismay of my wife, I've taken a few hours this evening (Saturday) to read through and do a few final tweaks to part III.

As of two minutes ago, Part III is submitted for publication, a full day earlier than I planned. Now I have a family to give a little time back too.

Out of all four parts of the story, Part III is my favourite, I hope you enjoy it too!

Cheers

John Other

Excellent story, please continue, can't wait to see where this is headed.

other if i could i would pull you over my knees and give you spanking for the delays... i hate waiting.

love your writing in general but this so good. 5/5 so far

I’m enjoying, but as someone very into MMA I have to point out that the ref doesn’t break up clinches, there is no stoppage for knockdowns (usually either the fighter pops back or the fight continues on the ground) and there’s no 10-count for a knockout. A knockout occurs if the ref determines the beaten fighter is unconscious or so badly dazed he can’t defend himself further.

Gee, if he only was a Navy SEAL this story would be "perfect"

I have to ask, how old are you? This just turned into a farce because you like to write childish drama?

On top of that, how did the business go before Robbie came to work there? He couldn't have been some magician that before birth he made that place run perfectly, then while growing up single-handedly steered it to profitability and then upon leaving they are all incompetent with the business ruined. Seriously.

Sure, it's only a story, but for the love of God, this should be in the Fantasy section instead of Loving Wives. It's gone to infinity and beyond!

I don't care what others say, I am enjoying this story. Part II was tooo loooong in being posted, so I am really looking forward to part III in the next couple of days. I am glad you decided to write - so far, I consider yours among the best, rivaled only by todd172.

I kind of liked it. I don't share the pity for the mother that is in the story,she is as bad as the father, if it comes between a child and husband a true mother would protect the child. The father is outright delusional, Robbie leaves, the business goes to shit and he thinks he is the tycoon?

Sure the story is over the top but it is fun.

With the writing it is improved but there still are a lot of issues with the structure, awkward use of commas, verb tenses, or words that don't flow right ( for example there is a scene where Robbie and amy and his friends gesturing at the parents it was hard to figure out.

I hope you don't fuck up the relationship between Amy and Robbie. Annihilate the family, including Mum, without mercy. The hug at the end of this story was way over the top; she is still a vicious bitch!

Alright I think we can see where this story is heading. And interestingly it makes me want to see the rest even more.

It has little to do with the ex and brother now. Though I would like to see his ass get kicked a few more times. Now I want to see the parents exposed to their peers and their business destroyed.