The Old Theatre Pt. 03

Kay wanted to go Italian. She knew of a restaurant, and she knew the number for a cab. I'd missed the last train home though that didn't matter a jot. Kay had already decided I was staying the night.

The restaurant was bad, no actually, it was awful. We waited for ages for a table. It got worse I'd eaten one mini Italian Dumpling. It was so foul I had to spit it out. Kay's starter was cold and oily so that was that.

I called the waiter over. This is beyond bloody awful. I'm not paying a penny. They refused to call us a cab so we just walked out laughing. Over the road was a pub, I could murder a pint I said.

Kay surprised me. It's a Brain's house. Perhaps they sell Reverend James she said. The outside of the pub didn't look special but Kay was right. The beer was outstanding. Never judge a book by its cover, as they say.

Brains brew a beer called Reverend James in honour of Reverend James Buckley, saver of souls and satisfier of thirsts. A man of God and one I'm sure would have approved of this landlord's skill in the keeping of good beers.

As the barmaid drew my pint, the first had gone to Kay. Another woman came through the bar with two plates full of stake pie, chips and peas. Are you still serving food Kay said to the woman serving our beer?

"Yes, my love. If you hurry up. He's fussy about turning the ovens off so I'm not allowed to take orders after nine."

I was about to ask Kay what she wanted. "Some of that if there's any left," she preempted me. "Me too please love."

"I'd have thought so. It's our best seller. I make, and part cook the pies in the morning. They will be half an hour, is that OK"?

"Oh dear, I may have to drink another pint," said Kay laughing.

"Yeh, that will be a hardship", I said.

We sat in the pub waiting for our food and chatting. Kay apologised for taking me to a place she had no idea about. I normally eat out at the Indian or Thai.

When I asked, "why we didn't do either of them as I prefer that kind of food as well?"

"She laughed at me. "Chilli-heavy food is just the best way to ruin oral sex and I had planned on lots of oral sex later.

"Planned?" I asked

"Beer is the second best way to bugger up! Don't worry." She went on! "I plan on making this a rain check. I'm not planning on letting you escape my evil clutches for a while yet."

When the food was eaten and the plates cleared away I order two pints more. We sat and chatted until closing time. After the tables were cleared and the food was finished the landlady put some music on. One or two locals got up and started to dance. Kay was looking a bit sad. What's up, love? "I love rock and roll. I'd love to dance but I've never had the chance to learn."

"Why ever not?" I was always the fat girl left on her own."

"Honestly I would have had you up." Anyway, your not fat, your big but you're not fat.

"You sound like my mum", said Kay.

"I'd have given my left testicle to play with your jubblies when I was 16."

That got a proper smile out of her.

The compilation tape switched to a little-known Roling Stones cover of Chuck Berry's "Down The Road Apice". It's a nice slowish Jiver. "Come on, it's never too late. I wasn't taking no for an answer. Come on!" I dragged her up and started to show her basic step.

Then the landlady joined us. "It's easy darling," she said. "He knows what he's up to. Just follow him."

I grabbed Key in a "close hold" and the landlady grabbed her bum and pushed her into the basic step. A dozen beats later she was doing it herself.

The landlady grabbed Kay by the arse again she shouted "superwoman" at me. I lifted Kay's arm and she pushed Kay under the arch, squeezed through herself and yelled "basic again," which settled Kay down.

She then shouted "repeat." She was a brilliant teacher. She shouted over to her old man" Bob, change the tape. He put on an RnR compilation, one that starts with "Aint Got No Home" by Clarance Frogman Henry.

We taught Kay left-hand turn, left-hand turn and right-hand catch and with interruptions. Kay had 4 jive moves now. In the words of the best jive teacher in the country, four moves and you're fit to jive at family weddings.

She was making the mistake all new jivers make. Taking huge exhausting steps. I was doing my best to control things and contain her movement but after three consecutive dances she was knackered and my belt was killing me.

We sat down and my big tough Dominant Bitch started to cry. The landlady came and sat with us. Put her arms around her and hugged her. She looked knowingly at Kay, "first time my lovely?" Kay just nodded.

"Easy isn't it, first four moves are the hardest. I just don't know why more people don't do it. "I've never danced before at all," said Kay.

"Well, you have now my lovely. What's more, you can do it again tomorrow. I run lesions here every Sunday evening. We have a little hop after. Please come, you will love it."

"I don't think we can, I'm sorry don't know your name love," said Kay. I'm Angie. It's our Boozer now. We just bought it. I wanted somewhere we could have proper knees up but the surveyor says the upstairs floor is rotten and we ain't got money left to replace it.

We don't do food on Sunday though so I can have a dance in here. Not big enough for a band though. More's the shame.

"I'm Kay, this is Kevin. Was it shut before". Yes, it's been shut for over a year. That's why I didn't know it was here."

I put my two pennies in. We may be able to come. I have to go home tomorrow but I may make it back in time."

"It would be nice said, Angie. It's only my 4th dance. We only have the pub but we have grown every week."

Angie made her apologies. It was getting near closing time and Rob was under pressure from the lads in the public bar wanting their last pint or two.

As she left I said, can you call us a cab please Angie."

"Are you far away? "No not really, but have you seen Kay's shoes." She'd been dancing barefoot.

"No, but I can guess, judging by the suspenders I'd guess 5 inches. Six said, Kay. And pulled out her killer stilettos from under the table.

For god's sake, hide them. If Bob sees them he will be begging me to get the corset and whip out.

I'll run you home. We have a 21 seater, to take customers home. It keeps the pub full till closing."

"Where are you?"

"I live in the old theatre on Mayberry Street.

"Sorry," said Angie." You will be the last drop off there. I rotate the three loops I make. If I change it the lads will go mad if they miss a minute of drinking time, and your place is as far as I go.

We had a couple more. I was more than a bit squiffy when we boarded Angie's bus. I had to give all credit to Angie and Bob, they were giving it their all.

When we got out Angie switched off and got out as well. "Can I ask you something personal?"

"Yes," said Kay, "but I think I can save time. "It is a corset."

"I thought so." Said Angie. I must have been doing my best impression of the village idiot.

"When Angie was turning me," said Kay

"Do you run the munch?"

"Yes I do, why don't you come"

"Saturday is just the worse day of the week for us.". The pub is killing us, it's not the work, it's not being able to use the top floor. It's a disaster."

"What, not at all? No, we sleep in that little caravan in the car park. It's killed our sex life. Poor Bob hasn't had his bum spanked for two months."

"Would you like to come in and look around?

"I was so hoping you'd ask me that."

"Oh Yes, please. Replied Angie"

Kay went into your guide mode. "We had the munch on today and my cleaner comes in tomorrow to do it, so the theatre floor is a bit scruffy."

"Oh God said, Angie. You've got a stage, lights, PA everything."

"I thought you wanted to see the fruity stuff."

"I do, I do but I want to see this as well." Angie was very excited. "I dare not ask".

"Ask what," I said, still doing my world-famous impression of a village idiot.

"I think Angie is wanting to hire the place for a dance, a dance with a group?"

"Yes flower, I've got the group. The Memphis Kings."

"They are very good. I said. From Bristol, if I remember correctly?

Yes Kevin, so am I, Ryan the singer is my brother.

I'm pretty sure I have some of their CDs, certainly the one where he covers a lot of Carl Perkins's songs.

"Kay was like a kid at Christmas with her newfound dancing skills. You can have the hall but I need to cover the electricity. Heating, or cooling if it's hot, isn't too bad it's got this heat pump thingy that does both.

lights are old and I need to think for some time about renewing them but they do work and I've got a certificate to say they're safe. I'll do it for a percentage if that sounds good, a percentage and you give me a couple of free dance lessons.

"That's a deal," said Angie. "You did well tonight it will be easy. When can I have it?"

"Any time except the third Saturday, of the month, that's the munch. Not on the 23rd of June and not on new year's eve!" I have the pervert's party then. My husband left me this place

Angie. He would have loved to see it get used by people who want to enjoy themselves.

"Is that why you have the munch here?"

"No, I do that because I'm a dirty sex-starved bitch permanently in heat. Kay put her arm around my waist. To be honest, just a dirty bitch in heat now, I seem to have this one to take care of puss."

We took Angie upstairs. She was as blown away with the playroom as I was.

Do you like it, Angie?

"It's magnificent. Is that a fucking machine in that upright bench?"

"More correctly, it's a buggering machine the way it's set up. But don't tell this one. He's still very new to this and I'm trying not to frighten him away."

"Look you and Bob are obviously under a lot of pressure and I take it you play."

"We did Angie said, about a million years ago."

And you desperately want to put a dance on. To get your dance club off to a flying start."

"Er yes."

"Kevin and I are going away for a fortnight next week.

"Are we?" I said.

"Yes, you dumb fucker the holiday at my Castel with the dungeon in Spain where I plan to reduce you to a pile of snotty bleeding pulp if you don't sharpen your wits just a little bit." Replied Kay in a somewhat salty tone.

"Ohh yeh that holiday!"

"Well, you can look after this place for us." Kay went on, "Feel free to use anything at all, there is even an autoclave in the little utility room at the back of the playroom.

"Can I sit Bob on the upright bench?"

"Yeh. I'll lock the attachments I'm planning to use to brake in dumb shit here out of the way." Kay gave me a little reassuring wink.

I was beginning to worry a bit, but Kay grabbed my hair, shook my head and planted a big kiss on my lips.

"We'd love to. But,"

"But nothing. Angie girl, you will both fall over if you don't get some fun. You have staff, if you can't trust them for a day here and a day there, get some better staff. Also, get a feel for this place, and figure out what you need to put a dance on. I expect to see posters when we get back."

I don't suppose you know an RnR DJ in the area, Kevin. I can't see my brother's mate coming from Bristol for what I can pay.

I do as it happens Angie, me. I've got over 30,000 record tracks on my computer, along with the best DJ program there is. CD and vinyl decks, mikes, a light controller and a Roland DJ controller. If you give me a week I can do the electrical work as well. I can have safe, modern but still, RnR-compatible lights up and check out the stage wiring. There is a 24-inch mirror ball upstairs I'm sure I can get that working again. I have a mate who trusts me and will come over and signed it off.

"Can you"! Said Kay.

Yeh, not such a dumb shit after all. I've got a PA, speakers, the lot. It will do as a backup for the house system.

Sounds as though we have a dance.

Angie apologised. I'll have to go or my feller will go into protective mode and start sweeping the neighbourhood. I do a Sunday Dinner tomorrow. Come and meet Bob properly and eat with us.

"We may do that Angie my love if my new slave here survives the night."

"And I get back in time I chipped in."

"You will Kay said, I'm driving you.