The Only Constant is Change Ch. 11

"I scrambled after him and just managed to grab onto his jacket, right before he slid over the edge." Harry looked down at his feet while Jeremy waited patiently. "I almost had him," he whispered. After a moment, he said louder, "He couldn't stop himself and I couldn't keep him from slipping over. When he did, it tore the jacket from my hand. He fell about 30 feet and landed on some rocks. He didn't die right away, but I couldn't get down to him safely either. I had to go for help. By the time I got back...he was gone." His spread hands showed how helpless Harry felt, even after all these years.

He lapsed into silence, and Jeremy contemplated the story as he waited. The silence weighed heavily, and before long Harry broke it. "You understand why I wanted to tell you that story, don't you Jeremy? It's because I wanted you to know that life does go on after tragedy. I blamed myself for years after Richie died. I thought, 'If I'd only acted a little sooner' or 'If I'd just been a little stronger,' things would have been different. But none of that was true. The fact is, sometimes bad things happen to good people and there's nothing we can do to stop it.

"Jeremy, I can't truly know the pain you're feeling, but I think I have a pretty good idea of what you're going through. And I promise you, you will get through this. It won't be easy, but you've got to find a way to distance yourself from the pain. That's the only way I could do it.

"My parents saw what was happening to me as I shut myself off from the world, but they couldn't convince me to move on. I stubbornly clung to the idea that it was my fault, somehow. It wasn't until they brought in Richie's parents that things began to change. I don't remember a lot about that night, but I do remember what his mother said. She held my hand, looked me in the eye, and said, 'I always felt like I had two sons because you and Richie were so close. Don't make me lose both of my sons like this. I don't blame you, his father doesn't blame you, and Richie wouldn't blame you. But I know he wouldn't want to see you like this. You've got to go on and live life for both of you now.' Then she kissed my cheek and hugged me close as I cried. And when I was finished, it was like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.

"I didn't forget my friend, but I realized that there were still people in my life who loved me and wanted me to move on. And I did. I went on to college, followed a path like yours through ROTC, and now I find myself with an opportunity to pass along the wisdom I learned from that tragedy long ago. It wasn't always easy, and for a while there I still cried when I thought about my friend, but I learned to deal with it. Do you understand, son?"

As a tear leaked from his eye, Jeremy nodded. He swallowed past the lump in his throat and said, "I think I do. It's just so hard, though. Ava was, after my parents, the most important person in my life. She understood me better than myself, had more faith in me than I do, and pushed me in directions I'd never have gone on my own. She was my fellow explorer and partner-in-crime, and then she gave me my son. I feel guilty when I think about moving on, like I'm dishonoring her memory or something. And I don't want anyone else to think that I've forgotten her, either."

Harry was nodding as he listened to Jeremy describe his thoughts. There were so many parallels to his own story, it was a little unsettling. Still, he knew that he had an obligation to shepherd this young man through the turmoil. "Jeremy, those feelings are probably never going to go away completely. It's been 44 years since Richie died, and even now, I sometimes wonder if I've done right by my friend. But if I hadn't found a way to deal with it, I wouldn't have found Martha. I never would have married, had children, or joined the Navy. There would be a box in the ground somewhere holding my mortal remains just like my friend's, because without that spark to drive us forward in life, we will die. Not like a toy running out of battery life, but more like a machine that is worn and lifeless and finally grinds to a halt in a farmer's field, where it sits rusting away as the wind and rain erase it from the earth.

"I hope you know that I think of you as more than a colleague or subordinate, Jeremy. You're a friend, almost like a son to me, and I know that there are a number of people here in this building who feel just as strongly as I do. Your pain is hurting them too, you know."

At that, Jeremy's eyes jerked to look at Harry. His face showed that he clearly hadn't considered that his pain was that evident to others, or that he might be causing anyone else pain. "I didn't know," he said.

"I didn't think you did," Harry said. "That's not the kind of person you are. But it's happening, and frankly, it's got to stop. It's a distraction to everyone, including you, and it's bringing the morale of the entire unit down." He looked at his watch and said, "It's 4:30 on a Friday afternoon. I want you to leave my office and go find someone to spend a few hours doing something mindless with. What about Lieutenant Perkins over in personnel? I think she's had her eye on you for a while now." He winked at Jeremy and chuckled when he saw that Jeremy's cheeks were picking up a little color. "Ah, I see you've noticed her as well," he teased.

He could see Jeremy working up to protest and he cut him off. "Jeremy, it's okay. You don't have anything to feel guilty about. Now," he said as he stood up, "I don't want to see you next week at all." He held up his hand when Jeremy began to protest. "It's my prerogative as your commanding officer when you are expected to be at work, and I say you need some time off. I want you to take next week and find someone to talk to—a priest, a counselor, whatever—you need to unburden yourself a little. Spend some time thinking about how much you still have to live for. After that, let loose a little, maybe seek some female company. You're not going to get better by being alone. Even if it's a hot little one-night stand—you need to feel alive again. Then, when you come in a week from Monday, I want you to come in knowing that you have friends and people who care about you."

The two men shook hands before Harry ushered Jeremy out the door. As he settled into the chair at his desk, he sat back and sighed heavily. He really hoped that he'd done enough to help nudge Jeremy back on track. He truly cared for him. Besides, Martha was going to be a pain in the ass if they lost Jeremy.

Leaving the CO's office, Jeremy was distracted. Not that it was an apparent change to anyone who'd been watching; he'd been distant for quite a while. He appreciated everything that the captain had said, but the one thing that stood out was when he suggested Jeremy find female company. Until that point, Jeremy hadn't considered just how lonely he actually was. Wanting to spend time with a woman other than Ava felt like a betrayal. Of course, as he thought about it, she'd encouraged him to spend time with several other women while she was alive; she probably wouldn't bat an eye at him doing so now, even if she were here.

By the time he got back to his office, he was actually feeling...not better, really, but more optimistic than he had in a long time. If nothing else, the thought that others saw how much he was struggling was comforting. The captain's words had simply reiterated that Jeremy needed to find a way out of the funk he now found himself mired in. Maybe he'd take Harry's advice and see what Erin had going on tonight.

He hadn't actively thought about dating in a while, but he couldn't deny what the captain had said. He had noticed the lovely redheaded lieutenant from the Personnel office, and he was pretty sure she'd given off some signals that she'd be open to his advance, should he choose to make one. He decided to make his way down to her office, hoping to catch her before she left for the weekend.

He made his way to Personnel, arriving about 10 minutes before 5 pm. With a small chuckle to himself, he could see the enlisted personnel cringe at his appearance so close to quitting time. Addressing the PN3 at the customer service desk, he said with a smile, "Don't worry, I'm not here for business."

The young petty officer grinned sheepishly at having been caught out in his response. "What can I do for you, sir?"

"I was wondering if Lt. Perkins happened to be around still. Or has she taken off for the day?"

Before the sailor could respond, Jeremy heard, "I'm still here." He turned and beheld the reason for his appearance in the office. Standing in the door to her own office, Lt. Erin Perkins looked expectantly at him. Honestly, Jeremy had been so focused on his own grief recently that he hadn't really paid much attention to anyone around him, much less the lovely woman standing a few feet away.

Erin was fairly tall, probably 5'9" or so, with the sleek physique of a runner or swimmer. Not especially busty or curvy, she nevertheless somehow made the working khaki uniform of a naval officer look good. She had dark red hair, bright blue eyes, and the accompanying fair complexion, that indicated an Irish or Scottish heritage. She must spend a lot of time outdoors or tanning, thought Jeremy. While she was still fairly pale in complexion, it wasn't the almost-glowing white skin that could sometimes make northern European women seem ethereal, or on the wrong body, even sickly. Instead, she had a light tan, with a hint of sunburn touching the upper parts of her cheeks and nose.

"What can I do for you Commander?" she asked.

While he hadn't exactly been staring, Jeremy realized that he'd probably made her wait a little too long than was comfortable. With a glance at the sailor who was sitting there watching the interaction a little too keenly, in Jeremy's opinion, he said, "I was wondering if I might be able to speak with you in private."

"Of course," she replied. Turning to the waiting sailor, she said, "Petty Officer Hogan, why don't you let everyone know they can take off? I'll close up the office."

The sailor smiled and said, "Yes, ma'am."

Lt. Perkins turned back to Jeremy and nodded in the direction of her office, saying "Come on back." He followed her into the office, and sat where she indicated while she took a seat behind her desk. She sat silently, curious about the purpose of his visit.

For the first time in years, Jeremy actually felt a little nervous. All of sudden, he realized what a compromising position he'd just placed himself in, even beyond the normal guy-girl tension. He was a superior officer, about to proposition another officer. True, he wasn't in her chain of command, but you never knew how these things might turn out in the military.

He hesitated before deciding that it was worth the risk. "It's short-notice, I know, but I was wondering if you might want to do something this evening. With me," he added nervously. She didn't answer right away, although his nerves probably made the time seem to move slower than usual, so he added, "There's no pressure, though. I know how this must look..."

"Yes," she said simply, cutting him off.

In his surprise, he said, "Yes?"

She saw his nerves, and even recognized that he was nervous about fraternization and sexual harassment. In all honesty, she admired his courage in even meeting with her alone in her office. Many officers had grown wary of doing so in recent years, as a form of self-protection against even the hint of impropriety that could be used against them in the future. She took pity on him.

"Relax, Jeremy. I'm not one of those women who turns every invitation into a sexual harassment case. I understand your concern, though. Just so you know? They make my life harder, too. But back to my original answer, you were asking me out on a date, correct?"

He nodded. "I was, but I understand if you're busy or don't feel comfortable or..." He trailed off, and then had to shake his head and laugh. "I'm sorry, Erin. I promise, I'm not normally this nervous. I haven't had to ask a woman out for a date since I was in high school, and I'm a little out of practice. With the added dimension of our professional relationship, I just want to avoid making any mistakes that will lead to hurt feelings."

She laughed lightly at his revelation. "It's kind of cute, actually. I haven't seen a lot of your work, obviously, but I get the impression that you're usually pretty well in command."

He leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, "It's all just a show. Most of the time, I'm hoping that no one figures out that I'm flying by the seat of my pants." They both had a laugh at that, and Jeremy felt some of the nervous tension dissipating. Sitting back to relax, he said, "As I said, I realize it's short-notice, so we can keep it low-key and casual tonight. Maybe dinner and a movie? If you've got a better idea..." He spread his hands in a gesture that signaled he was open to suggestions.

"I think that sounds lovely," she said. She pulled out a piece of paper and wrote down her number and address. "Pick me up at 6:30? That'll give me time to get home and change into something a little more comfortable."

*****

Standing before Erin's door, Jeremy chuckled to himself. He was remembering the last time he'd been about to knock on a strange woman's door to collect her for a date. It had already been seven years since that evening with Taylor Sims. Thinking back to that night, he was reminded once again of how unusually blessed he'd been to have Ava in his life. She'd pushed him into a date with another woman, and then made sure that he followed through with the first of what would become many passionate nights with the submissive, ginger-colored doppelgänger to his wife. After the night that Taylor's past was finally put to rest, Ava and Jeremy had brought Taylor into their home. For more than three years, they'd lived a loving life together.

As far as he knew, Ava remained true to her word that she'd never play with Taylor when Jeremy wasn't there. But she had encouraged him to treat the third member of their group as more of a "junior wife" than a friend with benefits. Between the two of them, Jeremy's bed rarely got used for sleeping before it saw him "sleep" with at least one of them.

Things proceeded that way until Ava and Jeremy decided to start a family. At that point, they decided that it was better for everyone if they parted ways. After all, Taylor still wanted to marry and start a family of her own, and since Jeremy wasn't about to share one of his lovers with another man, there were very few other options. Even after Taylor had moved out, they'd been able to get together periodically, before Ava's passing.

Jeremy pressed the buzzer and while he was waiting, took note of the neighborhood. Erin lived in a modest, two-story townhome, part of a row of brownstones on a quiet little street. It was still early enough in the fall that he could make out in the dying light the beautiful foliage of the trees lining her street. Fall had always been his favorite season of all, when the world seemed to burst into colors as if to say to the oncoming winter, you may have your turn, but I won't go quietly.

Erin's little corner unit boasted a window box planter, barren with the season. And with just a week left before Halloween, Jeremy was amused to see that she'd painted a rather cartoonish looking vampire on a big pumpkin. Not gonna scare too many kids with that, he thought. Suddenly, he realized that he'd assumed that she was a lonely bachelorette. He had no idea if she had a kid or not. She seemed pretty young, but stranger things had happened.

All of this took place in less time than you'd think, and while he was considering the pumpkin, the door opened. Jeremy had to check his watch to make sure he wasn't too early, because Erin was still in a bath robe and drying her hair.

"Come on in, Jeremy," she said, partially hiding behind the door. Closing the door behind him, she said, "I'm so sorry! It was such a beautiful day that I went for a run after work, and I got hung up talking to Mrs. Barton across the street when I got back. She's a sweet old lady, but she can talk! And she's so lonely that once she gets going, it's hard to get her to stop. I broke away as gracefully as I could, but I was still in the shower when you rang." Turning to head up the stairs, she called back to him, "Make yourself at home! There's beer in the fridge. I promise I'll hurry..."

Jeremy wasn't in a big hurry, so he didn't mind the delay. Truthfully, he was still feeling a little nervous to be going on a date, even if it was casual. From the glimpse he'd caught as she walked away, she definitely had nice looking legs, so that was a nice start to his waiting period. He was also a little amused at how open and trusting Erin was. She barely knew him, and yet she let him into her house while she was alone, without makeup, and barely covered up? Maybe she was a martial artist or something to feel so secure. Whatever the reason, it was nice to see someone so comfortable in their own skin. It definitely intrigued him a bit.

While he waited, he decided to take her up on her offer of beer, and he was pleasantly surprised to find several bottles of a nice bourbon-barrel stout that was one of his own favorites. He'd progressed past those weak, mass-produced lagers long ago, and he had no taste for any of the IPAs that seemed to be all the rage. After years of trying, he had to admit he'd become a bit of a beer snob, so he inwardly cringed when someone offered him a beer, fearing what he'd receive. Things were already looking good and they hadn't even left the house yet.

He returned to the living room and couldn't help but snoop around a bit. The décor was feminine, but not in a girly way; there was a practicality to it as well. Comfortable, over-stuffed couch and chair set accompanied by a rocking recliner, none of it covered in patterns or flowers. Mission style furniture in a nice cherry finish with hammered bronze fittings. The centerpiece of the room was a flat-screen TV only slightly smaller than his own, with a decent surround sound system.

On the mantle over the fireplace, Jeremy found several pictures showing Erin surrounded by various groups of people. This one showed her and a couple of ladies in their graduation apparel, the joy on their faces readily apparent. Here was one that must have been taken at her commissioning ceremony; she was in dress blues and had her right hand raised to give her oath. Another showed her surrounded by a large group of people in what looked like a family holiday. Erin was standing between two young men, probably brothers from the resemblance; both appeared to be a few years older than Erin. The man on the left had his arm around a blond woman, a few months pregnant by the looks of it. The man on the right had a lovely Latina tucked against his side. The younger generation was positioned behind an older couple, seated on a couch; Jeremy assumed they were her parents, because if you added 20-25 years to Erin, he imagined she'd look just like the woman seated in the photo. There was even a familiar twinkle in the woman's eye, probably caused by the grandbaby she held in her arms. Even if he and Erin never went any further than tonight, he could see that she was going to be a lovely woman as she aged. Her father was the only subject in the photo not smiling. Jeremy couldn't tell if he was genuinely unhappy, or if he was one of those people from an earlier generation who rarely smiled for photos.

Jeremy was in the middle of examining a surrealist print on her wall, showing the silhouette of a man carrying a briefcase as he walked through waves breaking on the shore; in the horizon were enormous gleaming escalators headed up and down. He wasn't much into art, but the print spoke to him. He was absorbed in the print, sipping the beer, and didn't even realize his date had joined him until she said, "Mind if I have some of that? I don't want to open a new bottle before we leave." Obviously, that was a rhetorical question, because she had the bottle at her lips before he had a chance to respond. She took a healthy swig, a twinkle dancing in her eye as she watched his reaction. Jeremy just smiled and shook his head, admitting defeat.