The Only Constant is Change Ch. 13

"I'm learning that," replied Jeremy. "I've been getting some counseling, and...well, I had a dream where Ava told me that I needed to find someone to love. I know it sounds crazy..." he began.

"It doesn't sound crazy to me at all," she said. "It might have been Ava speaking to you, maybe not. It could have just been your subconscious mind giving you a way to move forward. The mind is a tricky thing, Jeremy."

He grinned at her. "I forgot that you majored in psychology."

She laughed. "It's been a lot of years, but I remember a few things. Now go on, get out of here. I'll see you again soon, alright?"

They hugged, Jeremy shook Harry's hand, and when he left, Jeremy felt a lot better about the decision he'd made.

*****

"Enjoy the conference, Commander Halperin." The girl handing him his credentials seemed to stand out at the from the typical cyber security drones that attended these conferences. Her hair was dyed a rich purple color, with her bangs grown long and hanging in her eyes; it offset the side that was shaved nicely and showed off the numerous piercings that graced her ear. Her heavy eye shadow would have completed the image of punk, hacker girl, except for the corporate uniform of khakis and a polo shirt with the conference logo embroidered above the breast.

Smiling and thinking, It takes all kinds, I guess, he collected his conference goodie bag and checked his schedule. He still had a few hours to kill before the conference officially opened. Since he hated dealing with traffic and didn't have anyone at home to be accountable to, Jeremy had gone ahead and reserved a room in the hotel attached to the conference center. It was better than getting up an extra hour early to make his way out to McLean each day from his home in suburban D.C. He decided to drop his stuff and grab a nap before making his way to the opening ceremony.

Heading upstairs, Jeremy was absorbed in his thoughts. He was just about ready to put the finishing touches on his organizational proposal to his future employers. From Jeremy's perspective, they'd been extremely patient with him, given the long delay in his separation from the military. They'd agreed to let him function as more of a consultant in the interim, which gave him more flexibility to continue with his military obligations while working towards his new company's goals in his off time. They were paying him a consulting fee as well, which was a nice addition to his pocket book. With only a couple of months before he was expected to be released from the service, Jeremy was getting more and more excited about moving forward.

Having a goal to shoot for had really made a huge difference in his life. The pain that had so crippled him emotionally had subsided substantially. He still missed Ava and would for the rest of his life. But he was finding himself sleeping easier at night, and the little things didn't seem to produce tears anymore.

Some of that was the support he'd gotten from Monica. They'd struck up a friendship that was both enjoyable and confusing. From the night that Monica had brought him the job offer, they'd had dinner several times, often followed by dancing or movies. More than once, Jeremy had cooked dinner for Monica. She'd returned the favor, but they agreed that his were the better skills in the kitchen. It seemed to be a source of fascination for Monica, and Jeremy wasn't entirely sure that she hadn't sandbagged her attempt just to get him to cook for her more often. That was the enjoyable part. The confusing part was that, despite their obvious attraction to one another, neither had made an effort to push for anything more.

Jeremy knew what his problem was, even if he had no idea why it was the problem. He wanted to see if there was something between him and Cat, and he was reluctant to start something that could only end badly if things went that direction. Why Monica continued to indulge in their flirtatious little games and dates-as-friends, he really didn't know. He knew that she had feelings for him that were stronger than just friends, though they were almost certainly less than love. They never talked about it, but there was an unspoken understanding that he was waiting for something; for some reason, Monica seemed content to maintain the status quo. Jeremy was having a good time, but he did feel bad for her. She deserved to find someone that made her happy, especially after the way things had gone with her ex-husband. The more Jeremy found out about Jerome, the less he liked the guy. If they ever met, things would be frosty, to say the least.

If his relationship with Monica was confusing, Cat had him boggled. He'd initially been hesitant to approach her for a date, in order to maintain appearances. It probably wouldn't be great optics if the new guy was sleeping with his boss before he even started. A couple of weeks after he'd accepted the job, however, she'd begun calling him to arrange "business" dinners to discuss his plans, the company's plans, blah, blah, blah. Inevitably, before each evening ended, the conversation would turn to more personal matters.

Cat cried the night Jeremy told her about Ava and his son, but they laughed together hysterically when Cat told him she'd been the one to set Erin up on her date with the transsexual "man." That was apparently the pinnacle of a long series of pranks between the two, and followed directly on the heels of Erin telling some lesbians at a club that her friend was interested in experimenting with a dominant woman. The result worked out okay, since that's when Cat found out that she had a submissive streak, but she hadn't been able to follow through with the actual act. She just wasn't into women. So, they had a great rapport, shared tastes in food and music, and just about everything that signaled to Jeremy that they'd be a great fit together. But he was still hesitant to cross the line in pursuit of a romantic relationship, in part, because he couldn't get a read on whether that's what Cat wanted. Every time they'd gone out, it had been on at least the pretext of business. He'd invited her to his house for dinner after a couple of months, and when she showed up with work documents, they spent hours going over details that night; he never got the chance to pursue it further.

Then, about a month ago, Monica had started inviting Cat along on their friend dates. She blended right in and the friendly twosome became a friendly threesome. Unfortunately, this left Jeremy even more confused about where he was with each of them. He really enjoyed spending time with them both. If he'd had to make a choice between them, it would be difficult, but he'd probably still choose Cat. There was just something about her that intrigued him. She possessed some traits that Ava had borne, but she was clearly a different kind of girl. And Jeremy hadn't the first clue how to get out of the box he was in with her.

Opening the door to his room, Jeremy was reminded that he'd opted for the extra expense of a suite. It was one of the things he'd learned very early on in his marriage to Ava: if he was going to spend any time at all in the room where he was staying, he preferred spending a little extra to at least get a comfortable chair. So many rooms were set up with the business traveler in mind, so it made sense to have a desk and office chair as the furnishings. But they weren't intended to relax in, and it didn't take long to grow uncomfortable. The suite Jeremy had received contained a love seat and coffee table positioned in front of a surprisingly nice flat screen TV. He dropped his bags by the bed, taking the time to hang his uniform jacket in the closet. Kicking his shoes off, he loosened his tie before kicking back on the couch. He remembered to set an alarm on his phone in case he drifted off. Searching the channels, he found some spring training baseball on TV and settled in for some mindless existing.

Jeremy woke to the sound of his alarm chiming. He rubbed his face in an attempt to wake up, and then set about righting his uniform before heading down for the opening ceremony. This was one of the largest trade shows in the electronics technology, and this year's event was conveniently located for Jeremy to attend. He had two objectives this week: The Navy wanted him to learn as much as he could from the research presentations on new cyber security threats, but Jeremy wanted to create a shopping list of equipment to incorporate into his proposal. He'd been given a budget to establish his team, but Jeremy was pretty sure that it wasn't enough. He wanted his team to hit the ground running with the latest in equipment, and that was going to take a significant capital investment from his future employers. Jeremy was convinced, however, that the initial cost would be recouped as the team made a name for itself through excellence in project completion.

The conference opening was pretty standard as trade shows went, but with so many technology professionals in the house, it seemed every conceivable gadget had been incorporated into the presentation, making it a very impressive presentation. The large LED screens brought the speakers right to every attendee throughout the large exhibit hall. Since the sessions didn't start until the next day, Jeremy wandered through the various exhibits, collecting product information and making contacts for possible future equipment purchases. As he browsed the offerings, on more than one occasion Jeremy thought he spied Cat out of the corner of his eye or heard her laugh. When he turned, however, he was never sure that he saw her. Once, he thought he'd spied her passing between a couple of booths on a nearby aisle, but by the time he got there, no sign of her was to be found.

Once he was content that he had at least a good idea of what equipment he wanted, Jeremy decided to head back upstairs and change into something a little more comfortable for the mixer social. It wasn't his favorite part of attending conferences, since it was his experience that as the evening went along, it was likely to turn into a meat market, with various travelling professionals taking advantage of being away from home to engage in extracurricular activities out of the prying eyes of people who might know them. It always surprised Jeremy how otherwise professional men and women turned into horny adolescent teenagers at these things. Sort of like how women used Halloween as an excuse to let their inner slut out. It was a fascinating phenomenon to Jeremy.

This conference, though, was the first that Jeremy had attended since his wife had died. Before, he'd had a built-in excuse if he needed to avoid an overly-friendly overture. He wasn't sure what he wanted this evening, but he knew he didn't want to spend the next few hours in his room watching TV, so he made plans to attend the mixer.

Jeremy had been mingling in the bar area for about an hour. He ran into a couple of people he'd known in college and spent some time catching up. A former shipmate from early in his time in the Navy was there as well. Listening to these people talk excitedly about their jobs and especially their families made Jeremy feel melancholy. He avoided talking about his personal life too much, focusing on his work with the Navy, and making excuses to keep moving.

He'd wandered over towards the dance area to people watch and clear his mind a little. It was obvious that many of the people on the floor danced rarely, and few of them danced well. But, with the right social lubricant, some people thought they were the second coming of Fred Astaire. It was amusing. He was sipping some ice water between cocktails when he heard a voice calling his name that he'd hoped to never hear again.

"Jeremy? Is that...holy shit, it's really you! How ya been, man?" asked Colby Walters.

Jeremy cocked his eye at Colby. The man was clearly intoxicated, barely able to stand up straight. Of all the people for him to run into, this was probably the absolute last person Jeremy wanted to run into. As he looked his old rival over, he couldn't help but feel a little smug. The years had not been especially kind to Colby. His golden locks had thinned and receded. The athletic body he'd sported in high school looked to have gained fifty pounds, mostly around the middle, but also showing up in his cheeks and jowls. His eyes were shining, and his cheeks were flushed, showing just how thoroughly sloshed Colby was.

His first instinct was to recoil, just as he had in high school. But as he looked at the man before him, he realized that their lives had taken very different paths. He didn't know who Colby was today, but from the looks of it, Jeremy had had a better time of it. Besides, he was an adult now, not some anger-ridden teen. So, he chose to take the high road.

"I'm okay, Colby. How are you? What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I'm good...real good. Just out here trying to make a few sales."

Jeremy looked surprised. "I figured you'd take over your dad's dealership empire someday."

Colby looked abashed. "Nah, that was never my deal. That was Ryan's dream. I got a degree in business, but I haven't quite found a niche. Right now, I'm selling electronics—servers, computers, routers—that kind of thing." He produced a card and Jeremy was surprised to see that it was from one of the companies that he'd targeted for his equipment purchases. He wasn't sure whether that disqualified them in his mind or not.

Since they hadn't seen each other in years, and the history they shared was bad, there wasn't really a lot to talk about. The silence between them began to stretch and Jeremy was about to excuse himself when Colby surprised him.

"I envied you, you know." He was awkwardly trying to say it in Jeremy's ear, but with the music blaring and his intoxication, it was a little too loud to be comfortable. But when Jeremy looked in his direction, Colby was looking into the glass in his hand.

"What do you mean?" asked Jeremy.

Colby looked like he wanted to say something but stopped himself. Looking around them, he asked, "Can we go somewhere and talk? I got a room, if that's not too awkward."

Curious as to what they could possibly have to talk about, Jeremy was willing to hear him out. But he didn't want to be in the guy's room. "How about we go somewhere and get something to eat? I live out here, so my car's right outside."

"Sounds good to me," replied Colby. "I've been drinking too much anyway."

Neither of them said anything as Jeremy drove to a nearby 24-hour diner. After placing orders for a couple of sandwiches and coffee, Jeremy sat back and looked at Colby curiously.

Colby was fiddling with his napkin, obviously stalling as he thought about whatever he wanted to say. Finally, he quietly said, "I'm dying, Jeremy."

Stunned, Jeremy was momentarily at a loss for words. Eventually, he recovered and said, "You're dying?"

After a second, it seemed as if Colby realized what he'd said. "Inside...not...dying dying. Sometimes I think I'm dying inside. Back then, I had all these plans. I was the guy who got anything he wanted. I got the girl, I got the grades, I had money, friends...the world was out there for me to grab onto. Then..." he trailed off in thought.

"Then?" prompted Jeremy after a moment.

Colby turned his eyes back towards Jeremy. "Then...it just never quite worked out the way I wanted. You took the first girl I ever loved away from me." Before Jeremy could protest, Colby held up his hand. "I don't blame you. It was my own fault. I was so arrogant back then, I thought I could treat Serena however I wanted and she'd just take it to be with me. Those last few months of high school were rough on me. All of a sudden, there was someone else who the girls all wanted, the guys all wanted to be friends with, and you beat my ass in front of everyone. You really took me down a few pegs, Jeremy," he finished ruefully.

"I'd like to apologize," began Jeremy, "But I'm not sorry. I thought you deserved every bit of it." He began to get irritated. "If you wanted to talk so you could blame me for the way your life turned out..."

"No, no, no," interrupted Colby. "I wanted to apologize to you for the way I treated you back then. I was selfish and spoiled, and when you came along and made it look so easy to become everything that I'd worked so hard to become...I became a bully and a brat. I just didn't understand that I was making things worse for myself.

"I didn't learn all my lessons from you. I went to college and tried pulling some of the same tricks from high school and took some hard knocks. I thought I was turning a corner, dating this beautiful girl that I thought I might marry, but I got drunk at a party, slept with some girl I barely knew, and she ended up pregnant. Even though she had an abortion, my girlfriend left me. After that, I spent a lot of time drunk. I barely graduated from college, and I've been drifting along for a while."

As bad a person as Jeremy thought Colby had been in high school, and despite the fact that most of his troubles were self-inflicted, he still couldn't help but feel sympathy for the guy. He just didn't have it within himself to despise him anymore. It was an easy target, but more than that, it brought Jeremy down from a moral high position. Instead, he said, "Colby, we weren't friends, but I would never wish pain on anyone else. I'm truly sorry that things haven't worked out like you hoped." Spotting a ring on Colby's finger, he said, "Things must not be all bad, if you're married."

For the first time, Colby smiled. "Yeah, Carol's great. The one good thing in my life. She's helped me see a lot of things I did wrong. And she's good at helping me see things differently. She's no Ava, but we've been married for a little over a year now, with a baby on the way."

Seeing the sad look come over Jeremy's face, Colby hurriedly apologized, "Aw shit, man. I'm sorry. I heard about Ava. Here I am talking about how bad my life has gone and you lost your wife like that. I'm an idiot."

"It's okay," Jeremy replied. And for the first time, he realized, it actually was. "Ava was the love of my life, and I miss her every day. But I'm learning to deal with it. I can appreciate what others have without feeling the loss quite so much these days."

They spent the rest of the meal talking sharing stories from their lives over the past several years. Afterwards, Jeremy drove them back to the hotel. They parted amiably, and as he returned to his suite, Jeremy realized that while they'd never really be friends, he no longer looked on Colby Walters as an enemy. It was funny, since Jeremy didn't spend any time actively thinking about Colby in his life, but letting go of that animosity was oddly freeing.

The hotel was large, with an interior courtyard ringed with balcony walkways to the rooms. The twin elevators were glass capsules, allowing occupants to see the open expanse. As Jeremy's car rose to his floor, it passed the adjacent car. He could see that the occupants seemed to be getting very friendly, the back of the female pressed against the glass nearest Jeremy. Once he realized what he was looking at, Jeremy politely looked away. As he did so, something caught his eye and his blood ran cold. He turned back and watched as a familiar steampunk Harley Quinn tattoo receded below him. Tears sprung to his eyes and it took him three tries to get his card to unlock the door as he hastened to reach the privacy of his suite.

Of course, she's seeing someone else, thought Jeremy. That's why she doesn't want anything to do with you. He was left wondering if it was something that had developed since they'd shared a night together with Erin, or if she'd been in a relationship then and been cheating on the guy with Jeremy. The thought of it made him sick to his stomach. He remembered the pain he'd felt when Ava cheated, and he had no interest in inflicting that on anyone else. He felt like a fool for carrying the torch for Cat. Obviously, the night they'd spent together had meant much less to her than it had to him. Still, the revelation inflicted a surprisingly large wound on him.