The Only Constant is Change Ch. 13

He chastised himself for opening himself up to the hurt. He clearly wasn't quite as ready to get back into the game as he'd thought. Resolving to tread more carefully in the future, he went through the motions to prepare for bed on autopilot. It was a long time before he managed to fall asleep, and his dreams were plagued by Harley Quinn laughing and pointing at him before hitting him over the head with her mallet.

*****

Things became more difficult for Jeremy over the rest of the conference. He should have expected Cat to be there, but it hadn't even crossed his mind. Naturally, they were in a lot of the same breakout sessions. At first, Jeremy tried to play it cool, keeping their conversations friendly, but on a professional level. It wasn't long, however, before he realized that he was going to see her frequently for the rest of the event and it was going to be impossible to maintain the façade for that long. Soon, Jeremy began timing his arrival for the very last second. That way, he could quietly slip into a back seat just before the session started, and then leave immediately afterwards, avoiding Cat. It was petty, and childish, and probably unfair since they weren't even in a relationship, but that didn't stop him from avoiding her. She managed to catch him just after the last session on the next-to-last day of the conference, inviting him out for drinks afterwards.

He was confused by that, but assumed she didn't know that he knew about the guy from the other night. Of course, he hadn't seen her with the guy again either. Maybe it was a one-night stand, but that thought made him feel worse, since he thought he'd fulfilled a fantasy for her. If she had sex with guys she just picked up regularly, there was nothing particularly special about their time together. Nothing made sense to him, and Jeremy wasn't quite ready to face her. He had no right to be upset, but the embarrassment and hurt came anyways. Rather than deal with it, he mumbled an excuse about having to head into the office to handle a problem that had arisen. The look on her face told him that she didn't really buy it. Nevertheless, she wished him luck fixing the problem and told him she was looking forward to reading his proposal soon.

Jeremy hurried away without looking back, so he didn't see the look of hurt and sadness on her face as she watched him go.

Over the month following the conference, Jeremy slowly withdrew back into his shell. He could feel it happening, but he couldn't help himself. He tried to discuss things with Hunt, but there was only so much the therapist could do. If Jeremy knew it was happening, the only thing Hunt could do was suggest that he devise a plan to deal with it and put it into action. It all came down to Jeremy's willingness to change his course.

Cat contacted him weekly to go over the status of the project, Jeremy's proposal, equipment purchases, and whole range of topics related to his future job. Again, Jeremy maintained a professional veneer. They discussed work, and he met her at the office each time instead of sharing in business dinners. At the same time, he distanced himself from Monica too. She'd sense his discomfort right off the bat, and knowing how the close the two women were, he'd have to keep his feelings about Cat a secret so it didn't get back to Cat.

It kept him from having a personal relationship with Monica as well, but he rationalized to himself that it was better this way. If they started something and things went awry, it would make the workplace uncomfortable. So, Jeremy kept to himself. He made excuses when she invited him to go on friend dates and remained non-committal about scheduling something in the future. His military service made a convenient scapegoat, since they really didn't know what his work schedule was like.

He thought he was keeping things to himself, but he forgot that he was dealing with two highly intelligent women, each with an interest in his well-being. His actions, and the lack of reasonable explanations, did not go unnoticed. Cat and Monica met to discuss "The Jeremy Problem" over drinks after yet another declined invitation to do something over the weekend. Now, it was Saturday evening and they found themselves in a small lounge sipping cocktails and discussing Jeremy Halperin.

Placing her glass carefully on the table, Cat looked at her friend and said, "What's going on with Jeremy?"

Monica shook her head. "I wish I knew. If I did, I'd tell you. You know that."

"Do you think he has a girlfriend?" asked Cat.

"It fits the pattern," said Monica, skeptically. "But if he did, I don't know why he wouldn't just tell me. I'd understand if he started a relationship and didn't want me around for a while. Instead, I keep getting excuses about work problems and things he needs to work on before he separates from the Navy. Jeremy was always the most honest guy I knew back home. So, it could be true, but it doesn't feel right. What do you think?" she asked.

Cat stared off in the distance pensively. "I don't know him as well as you do. I really thought he was interested in one or both of us. Now? He's keeping everything professional, so I'm sure it's a personal issue. Maybe he's scared of getting close to someone again after what happened with his wife?"

Monica considered the possibility. "That would make sense, too. He was devastated. I mean, I didn't see him for a long time, but when we reconnected, there was no fire in his eyes. He used to have this...energy...about him that set him apart. That was just gone, but I thought he was making strides towards getting some of that back. Maybe something happened that sent him backwards in his recovery. I just wish I knew how to help him."

Cat watched her friend as she spoke about Jeremy. The attraction that Monica felt for Jeremy was obvious, and it prompted a conversation she'd been dreading for a while. Monica was a dear friend, and Cat had no interest in losing her friendship over a guy they both wanted. But she couldn't deny that she was falling in love with Jeremy. She'd tried to go slow with him, to be sensitive to his feelings of loss. And yet the times they spent together after the business stuff was done had shown her that Jeremy was sensitive and funny, charming and thoughtful. The night they'd shared together was never far from Cat's mind, either. He was hands-down the best lover she'd ever had.

"Can I ask you something?" Cat asked, gently.

"Of course."

"What are we going to do if one of us catches him? I can see the look in your eyes when you talk about him. You love him, don't you?"

Monica sighed. "That obvious, huh?"

"A little bit," Cat said with a smile.

"When we were in high school, I had the biggest crush on him, but he didn't know. This one night, we were at a party together. He made me feel so special with the way he talked to me, and how he held me when we danced—I never wanted it to end. He asked me out on a date, but I was worried about what my parents would say and what my friends would say, so I chickened out. I let him go because I was scared. And I regretted it for a long time afterwards. When we reconnected, it was like I was getting a second chance. It made me so happy. He kissed me once, several weeks ago. It was like pressing a lightning bolt to my lips; I felt it everywhere. It wasn't even a long kiss or anything, but in that moment, it was perfect.

"Since that night, we've been doing the friend date thing, as you know. And I've found myself wishing for another kiss, hanging on his every word. I want to touch him; I want him to touch me. The problem is, there's another woman. And I can't compete with her."

Cat's eyes were sympathetic. "From what I can tell, Ava is a tough act to follow."

Sadly, Monica looked at her friend. "She is, but that's not who I'm talking about."

Now, Cat was confused. "I thought you said you didn't think he had a girlfriend."

Slowly, Monica reached over and took her hand. "Cat, I'm talking about you."

Cat jerked her hand back in surprise. "What are you talking about? We had one night together, and then we've barely spent any time together since. He hasn't even asked me out."

"I can only go by what my eyes tell me," she replied. "He may not have asked you out yet, but the times when the three of us are together, he watches you. I don't think he can help himself. When you're not looking, I see him studying your face or checking out your outfit. When you turn back, he jerks his eyes away so you don't know."

Her friend was surprised, but dismissive. "You must be reading something that isn't there. If he wants me, why hasn't he made a move, yet? Besides, I've seen the way he looks at you, too. Sometimes, I think he's trying to decide whether to ravage you on the table, or haul you off to his cave."

Monica laughed. "Oh, I've noticed, believe me. And between you and me, he wouldn't have to hit me over the head with a club to have his way with me." The two giggled knowingly, before Monica continued, "But it's different. I think he lusts after me like the teenage boy he was when we met, but I think he wants to love you like the man he is today. And, I'm okay with it. I wish it was different, but I'll be happy for you guys when he gets through whatever is blocking him now."

Cat leaned over and gave her friend a big hug. She whispered in Monica's ear. "I love you, and I hope you're right about Jeremy. I feel like a schoolgirl with a crush on the homecoming king, but I can't deny how much I want him. I've never wanted a man more than I want Jeremy."

Another hour spent sipping drinks and discussing the object of her affection simply reinforced how infatuated she was with Jeremy. As the night wore on, Cat realized that she couldn't go on with things the way they were. She needed to know where she stood with respect to the man. She resolved to give him another week, then she would act.

The week that followed was one of the longest of Cat's life. She managed to get Jeremy into the office Wednesday evening on the pretext of discussing staffing requirements and salaries for his team. Really, she just wanted to look him in the eye and see if she could discern what was going on. Try as she might to draw him into discussing personal matters, he remained aloof. She was disheartened to see that he took a seat on the opposite side of the table from her instead of sitting next to her as he had previously. He answered her questions politely and thoroughly, but with little to no elaboration. He was all business, and even when she did manage to make him smile, it seemed forced. When he left, she was even more desperate to crack his shell.

Half a dozen times over the next few days, she found herself with a phone in her hand, ready to push the send button or punch the last digit to call him, only to set the phone down. She didn't know how to say what she needed to say, and it was tearing her up inside.

By Friday night, she'd resolved to end this situation once and for all. Over a bottle of wine, she and Monica came up with a plan to confront Jeremy and lay her cards out on the table. Come what may, she'd know where she stood. The possibility that he really wasn't interested in her was terrifying.

That's how she came to be standing on his doorstep, trembling as she steeled herself to ring the bell. She'd spent hours with her friends today, styling her hair, getting her makeup just right, choosing the perfect outfit, and discussing her plan. Now, she just had to follow through. With a deep breath, she pressed the button.

The wait for him to open the door was nerve-wracking. How would he respond? Would he be angry? What if he had a woman in there? She didn't think she could take it if there was someone else with him right now. Possibilities passed through her mind, gaining speed as the seconds stretched out. Finally, she heard the lock disengage and the door swung open.

Jeremy was surprised to see Cat standing at his door. At first, he was happy to see her. She was achingly beautiful, and he desperately wanted to hold her in his arms. Then, he remembered that he couldn't let her see that side of him anymore and the smile faded from his lips. Soberly, he said, "Good evening, Cat. I don't think we had a meeting scheduled. Is everything alright?"

"No, everything is not alright, Jeremy. Do you mind if I come in? I need to talk to you." Wordlessly, he stepped back and held the door for her.

He led her towards the living room, picking up a couple of empty beer bottles. "I'm sorry," he said. "I wasn't expecting company. Why don't you have a seat? Can I get you anything? I have beer or water. I think there's maybe one bottle of sports drink in the fridge..." He trailed off, looking at her expectantly.

"I'll have a beer, if it's not too much trouble," she said with a smile. She hoped to put his mind at ease, but inside she was still shaking like a leaf.

"Do you need a glass?"

"Nah, out of the bottle is fine," she replied.

"Coming right up," he said, playing the gracious host. As he walked away, though, he was a nervous wreck. What's she doing here? Are they going in a different direction? What am I going to do if I have to find a different job? She looks fantastic. Why does she have to look so good when I'm trying to get over her?

He returned with a bottle in each hand. Gently, he set a bottle before her and slowly sat down in his favorite chair. His eyes never left her face, watching her intently as he tried to discern her purpose.

Cat took a drink from her bottle and said, "Oh, that's good!" Noting the label, she said, "I'll have to pick some of this up. You can really taste the bourbon barrel aging. It's really good."

Jeremy nodded. "It's my favorite beer." Then he lapsed back into waiting mode.

She stood up, taking her beer with her. "This is a nice place. Did your wife do the decorating? It has a warm, homey feel. It feels like a woman's touch."

"I picked out the furniture, but Ava pretty much did everything else. I always joked with her that it might be my castle, but she was the one that made it a palace instead of a fortress."

She looked at him, again struck by the sensitivity of this man. As she looked around, her eyes fell on the pictures of his family. "She was beautiful, Jeremy. And your son was handsome, just like his daddy." She turned to see his reaction to her compliment.

"Thank you," he said. "That's very kind of you to say." He fell silent, watching her in expectation. Cat continued to look around, obviously stalling. Finally, he spoke up. "I don't mean to be rude, Cat. But what brings you here this evening? You said you needed to talk to me? I doubt it was to comment on my furniture or my dead family."

The tone of his voice conveyed a growing irritation with her that caused her to panic a little. She sighed heavily and took a swig of her beer. "You're right," she said, softly. Slowly, she made her way towards him. His eyes tracked her progress, and they grew round in surprise when she carefully set her beer on the table and knelt next to him. Cautiously, she reached out and took his hand. Her heart was racing, and she had to swallow a couple of times to be able to speak, since her mouth had gone dry.

Holding his hand in both of hers, she could barely meet his gaze. Softly, she said, "I wanted to talk to you about...us." Watching him, she saw a cloud cross his face, which terrified her even more.

Solemnly, he replied, "There's no 'us,' if by us you mean romance." At his words, her heart fell, and tears came to her eyes.

Barely audible, she asked, "Why?"

"Because I don't like playing games," he said in irritation.

"I don't understand."

Jeremy pulled his hand from hers and took a few steps away as he gathered his thoughts. Finally, he sighed and quietly began to speak. "That night we met, I felt a connection to you that I couldn't explain. I almost asked for your number, but I didn't want to ruin your fantasy. But you were on my mind and in my dreams. Then we started this professional relationship and I didn't want to put you in a bad position, since you'll be my boss. So, I held my feelings in."

He turned to look at her. "But I never stopped thinking about that night. I tried a couple of times early on to attract your attention, but I wasn't picking up any signals that my feelings were being returned. So, I figured you didn't want anything more to do with me. I was disappointed, but I respected your decision. Then you started showing up to those friend dates with Monica, and I couldn't help but find more and more things that I liked about you. And I knew then that you were sending me a signal that we could be friends, but nothing else. I couldn't understand it. We seemed so right for each other, but...what could I do?

"It all became clear to me at the conference, though. There was someone else. Probably had been for a while, maybe even when we got together that first time. It made me sick to my stomach to think that I might have gotten dragged into helping you cheat on a boyfriend. And it crushed me," he finished, sadly.

Cat was experiencing so many emotions simultaneously, she was having trouble focusing. "I don't understand, Jeremy. There's no one else. There hasn't been anyone..."

"I saw you!" he hissed. "I saw you with another guy at the conference. You must have been fulfilling another fantasy, making out in public. I didn't even know you were there and all of a sudden, I'm seeing your tattoo pressed up against the glass in the elevator while you made out with some guy."

Her brow wrinkled in confusion. "What the hell are you talking...oooh," and then she remembered. And she got angry. With a quiet intensity, she said, "I'm only going to say this one time: That was not what you think you saw."

"So I'm blind, is that it? I know what I saw," he said, curtly.

"No, you don't!" she yelled, suddenly angry as she began to realize what had happened and how it was affecting the two of them. Stunned at her outburst, Jeremy threw himself back into his seat.

"Why don't you explain it to me, then?"

Haltingly, tentatively, she reached for his hand again. Encouraged when he didn't immediately jerk it from her grasp, she began to speak. "You saw me in the elevator with a guy. That much is true. But what you saw was him trying to take advantage of me. What you didn't see was when I kneed him in the crotch and left him curled up in the elevator. You didn't see the scratches where he tried to tear my dress off, or the bruises he left on my ass from grabbing it so hard.

Taking a chance, she leaned forward and kissed his hand. "That guy was an old boyfriend of mine from college. We hadn't seen each other in a few years, and we had a few drinks while we caught up. He said his room was on the same floor as mine, so we got on the elevator together. That's when he started trying to kiss me and grabbing me. I had to brace my back against the glass just to be able to push him off me."

With tears in his eyes, Jeremy softly said, "I didn't know. I just thought that you had someone else, and that's why you just wanted to be friends. I got mad because you didn't just come out and tell me."

Cat decided in that moment to throw caution to the wind. She slowly stood and took his beer bottle from him, placing it gently on the table. He watched her, unsure what was happening. He watched, stunned, as she slid onto the chair with him, her dress providing ample room to straddle his hips.

There was a hunger growing within her, but Cat was determined to say everything she needed to say. She placed her palms flat against his chest. She took a deep breath, and looking into his eyes, she said, "Jeremy, there's no one else. There hasn't been for a long time. But since I met you, there's no one else I want. You're everything I ever dreamed a man could be for me. I didn't know how you felt about me, and I was afraid to let you in, afraid that you'd reject me. I wanted you so much after that night you fulfilled, no, exceeded my fantasy, but I didn't know how you'd react. But getting to know you these past few months has been like a moth drawn to the light. I can't stay away any more.