The Only Truth Ch. 03

/*In the second chapter we read that meeting Nathan in New York has lightened up the lost spark in her heart. She is in a dilemma. Is she still in love with Nathan? What about Shaun back home? Are the thoughts going on in her mind going to prove to be true? Read further to find out*/

Chapter 3

New York

Nathan had an important meeting at work on the day of my leaving. He, nevertheless, insisted on accompanying me to the station. Despite a fervent desire in my mind, I told him there was no need for him to come to see me off. Ida had come; but she left after I boarded my coach. Oh! Who am I fooling? The truth is that I sent her away early. I knew that Nathan would come even if I refuse a million times and I wanted to be alone with him in those last moments of farewell. There was a deep hope in my mind that he might say something when he watches me going away. Ten minutes before departure, I see Nathan anxiously peeping into the coaches. Fool! He should understand that I am standing here, outside, waiting for him! I run to him, "Why did you come?"

But secretly, I love the fact that he came! He looks very tired. Perhaps it was a busy day and he came here running to meet me. I want to do something that will remove all his fatigue. But what should I do? We walk to my coach. "Have you got a good seat?" he asks, looking inside. "Yes!" I reply.

"I wanted to tell you something."

At last! Oh! How long I have waited so anxiously for this. We both look at each other for a moment.

"You have got the job. My contact at your firm, just typed your appointment letter an hour ago."

'That's it? That's what he wanted to say to me? That's his important thing? The darn job?'

But no, there is more to it. I know he wants to say something more. I see strange shadows in his eyes; it's as if something is choking in his mind, churning him, but he is unable to put words to it. Why doesn't he just say it? Why not lighten this suffocation of your mind?

"The crowd is not so special today, huh?" he says, looking around. I also look around once, but my eyes go back to the clock again and again. As time passes by, my mind is sinking into some deep depression. Sometimes I feel pity for him and sometimes plain annoyance. Only three minutes are left for the train to start. Once again our eyes meet. "Get inside, the train is about to move."

I look at him helplessly; As if I am saying, 'Why give up? You fool! Just say it once.' And then slowly I climb up. I'm standing at the door and he's down on the platform. "Write to me as soon as you reach there. I will write to you once I get your appointment letter." I don't say anything in reply.

Green signal and a whistle! My eyes go haywire. The train starts to slide with a slight jerk. He steps forward and slowly puts his hand on mine. My heart shudders. I feel like crying -- 'I understand everything, Nathan, I understand everything! Whatever you could not say in these four days, that momentary touch of yours has said it to me. Believe me, if you are mine, I am yours too; only yours, only yours!'

But I can't say anything. I just keep watching Nathan walking along with the coach. As soon as the train picks up speed, he releases my hand but not before giving it a gentle pressing. My deceitful eyes close. I feel, this touch, this pleasure, this moment is the truth. The only truth! Everything else is a lie; just an unsuccessful attempt to forget yourself, to deceive yourself. With teary eyes, I watch the platform fall behind. All the figures appear blurry. I try unsuccessfully to find Nathan's hand, the hand that held mine, among innumerable shaking hands. The train crosses the platform, and the twinkling lights of a New York evening are visible in the distance. Gradually they all fade away, leaving behind. I feel, this giant train is taking me far away from my home -- to mislead, to wander on unseen, unknown paths!

With a heavy heart I sit down on my seat. As soon as I close my eyes, Shaun's face comes to my mind. What would I tell him when I arrive at Frenchtown? For so many days he was deceived; but what could I do? I was deceived myself, but not anymore. I will explain everything to him. I would tell him I had no idea what depths the roots of my prior, broken relationship held in my heart and how I only came to realize it after meeting Nathan in New York.

'Shaun, you were always suspicious about Nathan; but then I thought you were jealous; Today, I accept that you were right. You win! I lose! To tell you the truth Shaun, for two and a half years I myself was in a delusion and had kept you in confusion too; But today all the webs of deceit have been torn apart. I still love Nathan. And knowing this, how can I dare to deceive you even for a day? Today for the first time I analyzed my relationship, everything is so clear in front of me now, I will not hide anything from you. I cannot lie to you even if I want to. I feel today, whatever feeling I have towards you is not of love but only of gratitude. You supported me when I was torn apart by losing my father and Nathan. The whole world seemed deserted to me, at that time you revived me with your affectionate touch; my withered, dead heart turned green; I was grateful for your kindness; and began to misunderstand that I love you. But those faint moments of love - those glorious moments - those moments of calmness, where words are not needed, never came in our lives. Tell me, Shaun, did you ever feel those moments? Even in the midst of your innumerable embraces and kisses, not for a moment have I ever felt the elation or intoxication of body and mind. After Nathan had left me, there was a vast emptiness in my life, a hollowness; and you filled it. Forgive me, Shaun, and go back. You will find many a Dahila like me, who can love you truly.'

Today I have come to know one thing very well that 'first love' is the true love; After that, all relationships are just an attempt to forget oneself, to deceive oneself...

Innumerable things like this come to my mind, which I will say to Shaun. Can I say all this? But it has to be said. I can't cheat him even for a day now. Worshiping someone else with my mind and pretending to be with him with my body? No! With these thought in my mind, I fall asleep.

Frenchtown

I

When I open my room after returning, I see, everything is as it is, only the tuberoses in the vase have withered. Some flowers have fallen and are scatted on the ground. When I move forward, I see an envelope lying on the floor. It is written by Shaun, It's a small letter:

Dahila, you left for New York so suddenly. I would have come to see you off. I am leaving for Delaware today for some office work. I will come back in five-six days. I guess you'd be home by then. I am curious to know what happened in New York. Can't wait to see you.

With love.

.

Forever Yours,

Shaun

I exhale a long breath. Looks like a big burden has been lifted, even if it's just for a few days. During this period, I will prepare myself well to tell Shaun everything.

After a long warm bath, I sit down to write a letter to Nathan. The hesitation that had sealed my lips in his presence, breaks itself at the strokes of my pen. I write in clear words that even though he did not say anything, I have understood everything. At the same time, I also write that I was very sad about his behavior, very angry too; but as soon as I saw him, all the anger flowed away. How can anger survive in such closeness? I can't explain how colorful and intoxicating my eyes have been since I have returned.

Enclosing the letter in a beautiful envelope, I go to post it myself. When I got to sleep that night, my eyes fall on the empty vase on the table. I turn my gaze away.

II

Today has been the fifth day since I wrote that letter to Nathan. I waited for his letter all day - yesterday and today. But nothing arrived. My room feels very deserted, very empty, very unimaginative. Why didn't he reply by the next day post? I do not understand how to pass the time! I go outside and stand on the balcony. All of a sudden it comes to my mind that for the last two and a half years, at about this time, I have stood here waiting for Shaun.

Am I waiting for Shaun today? Or am I waiting for Nathan's letter? Maybe no one, because I know that neither of them will come.

I return to the room aimlessly. Every evening, I used to go out for a walk with Shaun. It seems that if I keep sitting here, I will suffocate myself. I go outside. I start walking alongside the throughway. The twilight of the evening increases the burden of my mind even more. Where do I go? It seems as if my paths have gone astray, the destination has been lost. I don't know myself, where do I have to go? Still, I keep walking aimlessly. But how long shall I keep wandering like this?

I come back to my room after an hour. As soon as I arrive, Mrs. Wilkerson's daughter gives me an envelope with a five cent postage stamp. With a throbbing heart, I open it. Ida had wired.

Appointment done. Congrats!

Even after getting such great good news, what is it that I cannot be happy? Nathan was about to send this news. All of a sudden a thought comes to my mind - was what I was thinking just an illusion, just my imagination, my guess? No. No! How can I take that touch, which had drowned my body and mind, by which every layer of his heart was opened before me, as an illusion? How can I consider those sweet moments, spent on the lake, where in the silence, our longing articulated and said everything, as illusions? Then why didn't he write the letter? Will his letter come tomorrow? Is the same hesitation holding him back even today?

The tiny clock on the desk in front of me rings nine. I look at it. This clock was a gift from Shaun. It seems as if the clock wants to remind me of him by chiming every darn hour. Then I look around me - these fluttering green curtains, this green book-rack, this table, this vase are all brought by Shaun. He had brought this pen on the table to me on the anniversary. By reconciling these scattered sources of my consciousness, I try to read again, but cannot read.

After giving up, I lie down on the bed. The desolation of the vase in front of me only adds to the emptiness of my mind. I close my eyes tightly. Once again the clear, blue water of the lake appears behind my retinas. The wide blue expanse of the lake and the small waves and ripples cutting through it. Then Nathan's face emerges -- looking at the water. No matter how much he avoids my eyes, I can still feel the movement of his mind inscribed on his face, even after being so far away. His helplessness, his suffocation, the compulsion to say nothing still comes true in front of me. Slowly, the expanse of the lake shrinks, and turns into a small writing table, and I see Nathan sitting with a pen in one hand and fingers of the other hand entangled in his hair. Same compulsion, same suffocation. He wants to; but h can't write like that. He tries, but his hand just trembles. Oh! Looks like his suffocation will suffocate me. Suddenly I open my eyes. The same vase, curtains, table, clock...!

III

Finally, Nathan's letter has arrived today. With a throbbing heart I open it. Such a small letter!

Dearest Dahila,

Glad to know that you have reached safely. You must have heard of your appointment from Miss Ida. I had called Miss Ida yesterday and informed her, and she had told me she would send the telegram. I am sending your appointment letter along with this note. I collected it personally from your firm. Please accept my heartfelt congratulations for this success. Really, I'm so glad you got the job! The hard work was successful. The rest at a later time.

Good luck,

Nathan

'That's it?'

Slowly, all the words in the letter disappear before my eyes; all that remains is, "The rest at a later time". So he still has something to write? Why didn't he write now? What will he write?

"Dahila!"

I turn and look at the door. Shaun is standing in the hall -- smiling, a bunch of tuberoses in his hands. For a moment I look at his face as if I am trying to recognize him. When he comes forward, my lost consciousness returns, and I run madly to him and wrap my arms around him.

"What happened? Why you act so stupefied?"

"Oh! Where have you been Shaun? Where did you go leaving me alone?" and my voice breaks. Tears start running down my face.

"Delaware. But it doesn't matter. Now I am with you. How did the interview go?"

But I can't say anything. I just tight my hold around him. The smell of tuberoses slowly engulfs my body and mind. That's when I feel the touch of Shaun's lips on my body, and I feel, this touch, this happiness, this moment is the truth -- the only truth. The unadulterated, unconditional, formless truth. Rest of it all was a lie, an illusion. And I don't want to hear "rest of anything at any later time" from anyone else! And we both remain in each other's embrace - lips and souls joined. Joined forever!

THE END!!!

PS: Shaun told me when he applied for transfer to New York, he rather got a promotion at work. We went out to celebrate. The next day, I tore my appointment letter and threw it away. Guess, I am not a big city girl anyways! I like my tubroses and this small town where they grow.