All Comments on 'The Original Valentine'

Ah, what a delightful tale.

Wish there had been a bit more specific detail in the disclosures between the two as they were drinking, before last call.

Wonderful and in my home town.

I admit I largely enjoyed the story, as it had a lot of charm in terms of E o i n just being welcoming and sweet with Kiki. I certainly understood why she clearly left her husband, and even cheated; you set that up well, so the audience felt or should have felt a lot of sympathy for Kiki and how she was not being taken care of.

***

I appreciate it how you took a Greek couple and really tried to craft them authentically- - right down to some of the language-- which made me wonder if maybe you've studied a little Greek, or just happened to find some some good phrases, or even had help from a friend. Regardless of how you pulled it off, you sold me on Kiki and Arsenios being Greek. You especially sold me on how she fell for Owen and wanted to forget her mostly brain-dead husband when it came to addressing her needs. You certainly made the sex sizzle between Eoin and Kiki, and you excelled in that. If there was a part that needs refining, it would be ridding the story of comma splices / run-on sentences, and apostrophes where they are not needed; for example, Athens is a place name, and does not require an apostrophe between the n and the s unless you were talking about the Parthenon in which case that would require an apostrophe s for Athens. I would also have recommended showing just a little more about how badly Kiki felt regarding how Arsenios disregarded her feelings: yes, we did see something in the phone call, but that doesn't account for the complete psychological manifestation to the reader of why she left him. It didn't have to be terribly long to help your story, as I would have suggested getting rid of some of the extra time that was spent drinking in the first pub; saving yourself about 6-8 sentences there would have given you the 8 sentences you would have needed to credibly explain and manifest exactly why Kiki hated Arsenios for messing up the holiday she planned, and tying off that loose thread if you will.

***

Charming story, which provides a largely believable lead in to why Kiki would enjoy Eoin so much and gives us some idea why she would leave her husband.. although that final part needed a little more fleshing out. It's cool that you suggest a happy ending for them, but refining the story's grammar and providing a few extra details could have really put this little account over the top. **4**