The Perfect Beginning

His thick, creamy cum into her mouth and down her throat.  She is supposed to smile and in her sexy, little girl voice, she's to say, "Thank you Sir, may I please have another?"  Really?  No! 

Cyn is into it and that's fine because she likes it.  Good for her, I guess.  No, no guessing.  If she likes it, she likes it and that's great.  But it's not for me.  But it might be for Tim. 

The other night I saw him like Cyn, like a girl who swallows...and I sooooooooooooooo liked it!  It was when I called him a cry-baby.  And it was a sex/power thing.  He took it. I don't have a dick but I know he swallows. 

Can't quite complete the image because I don't have the right body parts.  Not that I want one of those, but I do like that in this pretty, little image, he's on his knees (prayer position?) and swallowing what I have to offer.  It's a sex/power thing and he's the one taking it!

Sleepy time.  Night-night.

*

Before climbing between the sheets, Michele got down on her knees at the side of her bed.  Resting her elbows on her Dizney princess themed bedspread (yes, she knew it was way too little-girl, but she liked it anyway,) she brought her hands to steeple before her face, in supplication to God. 

"Dear Lord, I give myself to you.  I give you my heart.  As you know, things between Tim and me have gotten very interesting.  This is all new to me, God.  I want to be sure I am doing your will.  Please send me a sign that what I'm doing, what we are doing, is pleasing you.  I want your blessing in this.  Please send me one obvious and unmissable sign so I know you approve.  Thank you, Good Lord and praise Jesus."

While laying in bed, Michele smiled to herself.  Life had become so interesting in such a short time.  It had gone from infuriating to enlightening, thrilling and finally promising, in the course of a few days.  It seemed the unimaginable was now a very real possibility. 

She understood that if she played things right, she could have Tim as her boyfriend.  More than that, and this was something she could not commit to her diary, she wanted to own his ass!  Michele was realizing an appetite she did not know she had.

Throwing on her tight, little shorts and clingy, threadbare pajama top was at first a little unnerving, but once she saw the effect it had on Tim, she knew her intuition had paid off.  She liked that she'd caught him checking her out, but once she had on her littlegirl clothes, it was like she'd set a trap for him.  It was powerful! 

Look at little me. 

Like everybody else at school, she wanted to be one of the pretty girls.  She was not sure she was, but she now thought she was to Tim.  This was a good sort of self-consciousness.

The notion of any guy seeing her in these clothes a week ago would have mortified her.  She knew they showed off everything, and Michele was very self conscious about her small and seemingly aways hard, little breasts.  She thought of her breasts as little power nipples because they seemed to be hard all the time, were as much nipple as anything and were so prominent when she wore her night time clothes.  They seemed so obvious all the time that she was negatively self conscious of them. 

Yet she did not feel that way with Tim.  Suddenly, it felt natural and good to show off her body and she liked that her hard, little power-nipples led the way. She knew her butt was a little big for her size and she loved that he seemed to want to keep looking at it.

Michele was acutely aware of her body and how it could attract unwanted attention from men.  She saw predatory desire in their eyes and rape in their desire. 

It's always my ass...God, I hate that! 

They wanted to take, own and use girls for their bodies. 

They want to put their dicks inside us and own us.

To Michele, it was creepy. 

Yet now she saw the effects in a totally different light.  Yes, Tim had that look of need in his eyes, but now she liked it.  It was like her body had a power she just had to learn how to use.

Oh, and the erection! 

In and instant, Michele decided erections were wonderful.

As long as I can control it.  It was like I could look at him and read his mind! 

What an advantage!  And better yet, Tim did not have that scary, aggressive look on his face.  He looked weak and needy.  It made him need her and that was power.  And it was cute actually.  With Tim, she had the power, she was the predator.  She giggled at the idea of being the rapist herself. 

How would that even look?

In her simple way of thinking about it, rape was about a penis invading a victimized woman.

And her flirtatious threat to spank him! 

Where did that come from?

And the flirty little slap to the face! 

Who am I becoming? 

She knew she did not slap him, it was almost a caress.  It was really a slap simulation.  She'd never thought about giving an adult a spanking in her life, yet right then, for the first time, it seemed like the sexiest idea ever! 

My little boy! 

And it went beyond sexy, Michele could not quite put her finger on it, but the whole idea felt right or natural. 

Oh my god, to actually have him over my knee, meek, docile and scared would be so neat! 

She thought it was more than neat, her body was shot through with a spike of arousal.  It felt like intimacy and connection.  God, suddenly she wanted to spank Tim in a way that felt like real physical and emotional need. 

It was more than just playing the Bitch with him, she wanted to own him, to lord over him.  She wanted him both physically and emotionally vulnerable to her and in her thrall.  It was an incredibly sexy idea, one that induced supreme arousal in her young body. 

And in a sudden flash of insight, it dawned on her, in clear terms, why this was both so hot and significant.  Spanking Tim was important because it was power on display for them to play out and witness together. 

You go over my knee and I spank you. You are the one who gets spanked because I said so! This is what I choose to do to you and you have no choice. You will be spanked. Oh my!

She was a little saddened by the prospect that spanking Tim seemed unlikely. 

Oh who knows...maybe... 

Michele was an optimist after all. 

Doers, do! 

She smiled to herself.

She smiled again as she realized she was getting pretty far ahead of herself.  Because she was not just fantasizing anymore, she was planning.  

She remembered a time when this dumb boy swatted a pretty butterfly with his bare hand and by chance, it landed in a spider's web. 

The spider was so small compared to the butterfly, but the butterfly was wounded and its wing became ensnared in the sticky web.  She watched, completely fascinated, as the spider, with tremendous caution, looped webbing around the limbs of the butterfly.  With each loop, the spider was able to slowly but surely secure the butterfly and make it her own.  It had to be careful because the butterfly was so much bigger and stronger than the spider.  Yet the spider was so clever, strong in her own right and she was determined. 

That little spider was a doer!

Michele felt like the spider and she'd need to be careful too.  She was slowly but surely securing Tim with words, spiritually binding him so that at some point in the near future, she could take possession. 

I'll be binding him to me! 

Every time she mocked Tim, with each passing giggle, she was looping his wrist and arms, his ankles and legs and his body with her web.  She still could not get over how fun it was to do this to him...and how susceptible he was to it. 

Not just susceptible, he likes it.  Hell, he needs it.  Damn, he gets hard from it! 

That one really blew her away. 

Oh my god, I'm seducing him with humiliation! 

With that thought, she laughed out loud.  Her naughtiest, most exciting and favorite image was getting to loop and cinch his boy parts. 

I'll save that for last...and do it tight! 

She felt a shiver run her spine.  Once the spider had the butterfly fully trapped, she could walk all over him, no longer needing to be cautious as she stung him.  And then she had what she'd continue to consider one of her most pervo thoughts ever; she fantasized about stinging him with her pussy and how good that would feel.

And even with thoughts of creepy guys and their needs, tiny cloths that showed off her body and stinging spiders, Michele still felt very intimate with her sense of innocence, of still being a girl.  She was aware of the irony or the illogic of it all, but the feeling and self perception remained.  She supposed it was in part, because she was in control. 

It was more fun than Dizneyland and more exciting than shoe shopping with Tanya and Cindy.  Moreover, it was because it all felt so totally natural, nurturing to both, and unexpectedly wholesome.  Michele was vaguely aware that she was beginning to understand her mothering instinct as she nurtured Tim in this unusual way. 

She smiled at the idea that Tim needed to be spoon fed humiliation and control as a sort of spiritual nourishment.

My boy needs a spanking!  This is good and healthy for both of us.

She knew that what she was up to was very unusual and that others would judge, but to her, it just felt like what a girl should be doing.  She smiled.

Now what would it look like for a girl to rape a boy?  Just might involve some stinging...

****

Tim was still bummed about Tiffany, but he was relieved that his feelings of loss were less acute.  Michele did that for him.  Yet Michele produced an entirely different sort of anxiety.  He was starting to have feelings for Michele, but he knew they could never be together so he worked hard not to view his feelings as romantic in nature.

And she told him she was glad that he reminded her of "...a Kimberly."  Apparently, a Kimberly was a type of girl.  Under all of the masculine trappings, was he really a bit of a Kimberly?  Way too unsettling.  Better to masturbate.  

****

As the ring of the doorbell recessed, Michele strode to the door with a sense of absolute confidence.  She knew who she was.  She knew who Tim was.  She was in tune. 

In her little clothes, she's attained the provocative look she aimed for.  Michele was completely at peace in and with her body; it was more than that, however, she took confidence from her body and the effect it had on Tim.  Too, she was excited by the thought, the anticipation of what it would do to Tim. 

She opened the door and Tim felt the wind knocked out of him.

Of course he'd seen her in her "comfies" as she called them, but it was still so unnerving to see her this way.  It was that first glimpse that set him on his heels.  It was like experiencing a strong, but completely delicious smell.  When it was a total surprise, and without expectation that one was about to be swimming in a cloud of chocolate, the first smell was the most powerful, the most intoxicating. 

He tried and failed not to look utterly dopey.

She stood facing him squarely with shoulders back. She looked so brazen she almost looked to the boy like a small super hero.

Michele went with instinct when she suddenly tapped into and affected her playful-little-girl energy.  Dazzling him with a smile, she struck a girlish pose, "Well good day, Sir.  Whatever are you doing at my door?"

Realizing a game was afoot, he tried, albeit woodenly, to play along.  Smiling at the silliness of it, "Well, I'm...I'm here as your babysitter...ma'am."  He felt stupid but already liked the playfulness.  

"You are going to be my babysitter?  Hmmmm?  My mother must have sent you to me, but I don't know you."  She slowly turned around as though pondering some important question. 

Look at me. 

"I'm not sure I should let a stranger into my home.  But I certainly do need a babysitter.  I'm just a little girl who's been left all alone."  Index finger to the side of her chin, she could not have looked any cuter when she asked, "If I let you in, I need to feel safe.  Do you promise to do everything I say?  Will you be a good babysitter and obey me so that I'll feel safe?"

Without hesitation, "Yes.  Yes, ma'am."

Mixing mirth with seriousness, "Obedience is what I require, babysitter-boy. You'll have to do everything I say, do you understand?"

"Yes, ma'am.  I'll be a good babysitter and o...obey you."

As though in warning but still playful, "Mind you, I can be very demanding."

"Yes, Ma'am."

Michele smiled and while glancing down, she saw his erection.  Instantly, she knew her prayers had been answered.  She could not have received a more clear message from God.  She asked God for guidance, she asked for a sign and at the very next opportunity, God gave her what she needed.

Perfect.  Thank you God.

Smiling broadly, "Good boy."  Then in a serious tone, "It's going to be like this every day. You will obey me."

He could not believe his luck.  In his soft voice, "Yes, Michele."

They were both thrilled.

****

While in his external constitution class, Tim was a million miles away.  They walked the beach on a sunny, cold winter day.  They were alone with the sand and surf.  They were free to feel what they felt.  It was just them.  She reached for and took his hand, her fingers meshed between his own.  His heart did summersaults.  He stared at the sand as his face went flush.  She was taking him in hand.  She chooses me!  He could hear the angels sing.

Will she kiss me?

****

Good morning Diary,

The other night, while laying in bed, I had the neatest thought and I wanted to write it down because I'm pretty sure it's important.  Never forget: doers, do, so write it down! 

As I thought about what's happening while Tim babysits me (god I love that! having a babysitter is the best!), it occurred to me that I'm seducing him with humiliation.  What an interesting idea.  Every time I laugh at him or cut him down to size, I'm not really putting him down.  Well, I am putting him down, but it's different.  For some weird reason, he likes and needs it. 

And the more I think about it, the more into it I am.  Like totally-extremely.  It feels super good to me...like all over good!  I really like giving him what he needs.  It's kinda weird to think of it this way, but really, if you think about it, it's pretty giving of me.  I'm just being generous by giving him what he obviously needs.  I'm being sensitive, caring and giving him what he needs, which is to be put down beneath me.  Yes, generous. 

Feeling smug, girl!  But seriously, I did not start off wanting this, he did.  I just gave him what he needed.  It's a kindness, really.   It makes me blush a little when I congratulate myself, but so the heck what!  If I'm really helping him, which I am because he totally needs this, and I enjoy it, then it's good for him.  And it's good for us.  I really do like thinking of it as generous, because it is!  I also like the idea that if we are doing something that I enjoy, it's good for him. 

I'm seducing him with humiliation.  Happy!  What's so cool is how much I'm enjoying it...and how much I think I have to give.  It excites me like crazy and brings us closer.  It's like the healthiest thing for us to do. 

Isn't that what love making is supposed to do?  Humiliation as lovemaking?  Sorta.  We'll see, the next time I see him will be important.  Things will either go one way or the other...but I think I know which way they will go. 

I feel I'm in the middle of some big changes.  Smiles. 

I've been thinking about something else too.  I see what I'm doing with him as being across some sort of invisible line.  It is hard to say, but there are just some things you are not supposed to do with or say around others and when I think about doing them anyway, I get all tense and anxious.  It is almost upsetting.  But I said them and did them.  I said them to Tim and once I did, I crossed that line and discovered something.  It's better over here!   I feel an energy running through my whole body!  I think this is what freedom feels like.  I feel that with Tim, I am being myself really being myself with another person for the first time.  Win!

*

Dear me,

So I did a little research and what came back was interesting.

There is no information on record showing anybody outgrowing their blockers before the age of 157. And I learned a little more. For those who outgrow them, they tend to be more sexual than those who just stop taking them at 200.

But we are still affected by them. I read that if I stopped taking them, I'd feel even more sexual than I do.

Not even sure what to make of that cuz this feels pretty, pretty GOOD! Interestingly, while girls who naturally come into their sexuality while still taking the blockers are more sexual than the average woman, they are different than the men. Studies show that women maintain more control of their sexual desire than men who develop in the same way.

Interesting. Will have to continue to pay attention to all this, but right now, I really LIKE the feeling. POP!

****

Since the beginning, Michele was the last thing he thought about when going to bed and the first thing he thought about as he opened his eyes.  He masturbated four or five times a day, but that only freed him from thinking about her for a few fleeting moments.  In each masturbatory vision, she was belittling him or laughing at him and she was always in control.  Sometimes this bothered him, but he chose not to think about it.  

Another thing he did not bother to analyze was how much he regressed emotionally every time he saw Michele.  Actually, all he had to do was think about her and he was a seven year old boy again. 

It reminded him of when he was in second grade and was in love with his teacher, Ms. Prim.  He always tried so hard to be a good boy for her.  The only time he allowed himself a glimpse of this was when they played the Game.  

Tim was going down a path, more accurately, he was being led down a path and a part of him, an essential part of him, loved it and needed it.  Yet it came with the price of confliction and dissonance.  To consummate his feelings for Michele would be wrong.  It was unthinkable and would never happen. 

Additionally, he believed on some level that he should not like how Michele treated him.  It did not comport with what society deemed normal or "healthy."  Then again, she was just trying to help him.  Besides, a true romantic, loving relationship with Michele was as remote and improbable as was one with Ms. Prim. Yet allure, the gentle pull of Michele's pretty little hand, as she walked him down this path was not only way too powerful for him to resist, the other part of him, the hidden part of him wanted, needed to follow her.  

I wonder if she even could like me?  Like maybe if we were the same age or something?  Or what if we were like on a deserted island together?

He had to throw away the notion.  Yet right after throwing it aside, there he was again on the beach, holding hands with Michele.

And thus, Tim began sublimating both his rational voice and his understanding of where all this was leading, as much as possible.  Any time he questioned what they were doing, he rationalized it to himself, it was all just normal babysitting or they were just playing a game or he simply pushed the thought out of his mind entirely.  

The romance fantasies made him feel a little silly, but he knew they were innocent and did not really reflect anything important or meaningful. Sure there would be random moments when this voice intruded, inducing guilt and anxiety, but then he'd think about how amazing Michele was and the voice would be gone. 

And fortunately, this voice was absolutely silent when actually with Michele.  When he was with Michele, there was only Michele.  It's as though she'd taken this other part of him, bound him and locked him in the closet.  Michele's allure as well as her intention, was simply stronger than Tim's conscience.  And Tim was more than okay with that, he liked it just fine.