The Perfect Man

"Let's just shower." Shane offered.

My shower was comfortable for two, a little cramped for three, but we enjoyed it just the same. I was awash in the water, the masculinity, and the... well... love. I know, it wasn't love. It was lust, but these two men, so different, took me like I've never experienced, and then both took turns delicately washing my spent body.

Post shower we toweled off and laid in bed, with the strangest small talk possible for a few minutes before Derek excused himself - Well, he slapped my ass and said, "next time we need a bigger shower" then left. I cuddled up next to Shane and drifted to sleep, waking up the next morning in an empty bed with a sore pussy.

And, that was that. Or so I thought.

Both guys continued to text here and there over the next couple of days, checking up on me and telling me they had a good time. Derek dropped off pretty quick, but Shane continued to text periodically over the next couple of weeks, never once indicating he wanted anything more than to make sure I was happy.

I had dreams of both of them, together and separately over the following days, but I knew it was a one-time thing. A fun experience that never was to be repeated.

One morning I fired up the app and sifted through my likes and messages, stumbling upon a boy who had a hilarious intro asking me some weird question about having finger sized legs and leg sized fingers. This wasn't a man, this was a boy. 23 for fuck's sake, nearly half my age, but I started messaging him simply for fun.

Matt was hilarious. He had me laughing with every message and had the perfect flirt to roast ratio. We bantered back and forth for a few days until I finally caved and agreed to the date he was asking me for since the third message.

This boy was definitely a charmer, and beautiful. He was the type of guy I would have fallen totally in love with in college. Tall, lean, muscular, a mop of light brown hair and striking blue eyes. He was brash and bold, but at the same time sharp and comforting. He put me at ease immediately, despite the age gap.

And with that age gap, I had questions.

"Let's just get this out of the way. We're here, we're eating, but why is this happening?"

"Cause you've got a cute smile and seem fun. I'm pretty awesome, so it makes sense."

"And when were you born?" I sneered skeptically.

He laughed, "I've always liked older women."

"Ok, is this some sort of fetish?"

"No, but I'm not going to bullshit you and say there's a major sexual element. I've just found more experienced women are more open-minded and confident in the bedroom."

"Oh, ok. So you just want to fuck?"

"Just fuck? No, not exactly. I'm not trying to just hook up, but I'm also not trying to get into anything serious either. Maybe a little friends with benefits thing."

"Well, there it is."

"Yep, it's right there. If you're not interested, you'll finish your chicken parm, high five, and go on our way, but something tells me that, something tells you, you should be interested."

"Oh yeah and what's that?"

"I'm awesome, remember."

"Oh jeez."

"You can call me G's all you want as long as you're screamin it."

It's funny. Putting this on paper it looks so gross and frankly, I guess it kinda was. But Matt had this way of twisting everything into a joke that was very disarming. In that moment, I wasn't quite into it, but I was playing along.

"Ok, Mr Awesome. What does a stud like you think you can offer me?"

"Everything you want."

"What is it that I want?"

"You tell me, it's your negotiation."

"Right, we're negotiating."

"Yeah, always."

"Fine then. How about a threesome?"

"Definitely. You got a cute friend, a dwarf, or some other dude to bring along?"

"Ok, foursome."

"Fun! Let's do your cute friend, the dwarf, and some other dude and make it a fivesome. I have a buddy that's perfect."

"The midget?"

"Ha! Nope. He was actually my tutor when I first started college. He's a total dweeb, but a freak at the same time. He's got a god damn semi-truck between his legs too."

"Sounds like you want to fuck him."

"If I was gay, I definitely would."

Matt went on to tell me all about his friend, Steven. His description was quite unappealing - small, skinny, bookworm, and quiet. But, at least he was almost 30. Then he showed me a bunch of pictures and well, turns out he was totally cute! Not my type, but he was very good looking. Chiseled jawline, deep brow, and tempting eyes. He looked like the type of guy you'd walk by 100 times before noticing, then think, 'where the fuck did Mr Dark and Mysterious come from?'

He went on to tell me Steven was the guy who doesn't have a lot to say, but when he says something, people listen, because "he's always the smartest guy in the room." From there, the conversation shifted away from Matt's motives and we laughed a bit before the check came. After splitting the bill, he made his move.

"I guess we should just make out a bit to test the waters."

"You're fun and all, but I'm not into this at all."

"I think you're into it a little."

"God, the tiniest sliver, maybe, but let's be real."

"That's what I'm talking about, let's get some shots!"

"Nice try, smooth guy, it's not happening."

"Ah well, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take, but if you want to just go out and have some fun sometime, let me know."

As we left, I denied his high-five attempt, rolled my eyes, and opted for a hug. My eyes were still rolling out of the back of my head when I got into the car and noticed a text from Derek.

'lets do that again'

Well, that's enough of life for one day. I ignored it.

The next day, like the universe was beating me over the head with this shit, Shane's check-up text asked when I'd be available to get together again. Against my better judgement, I questioned Shane.

'Get together and do what?'

'I meant just touch base, but if you have other ideas...'

'No ideas. No more ideas. I'm tired of ideas.'

'Are you ok?'

The phone buzzed moments later and Shane repeated himself with obvious concern in his voice.

"I'm fine. It's just be a weird time."

He tried comforting me and putting me at ease, but the thoughts in my head had me spinning. Why do all these men want to share me? What in the hell is going on with me? What is going on in the world?

I dumped on him. It was probably a little shitty, but he was so calm and patient, allowing me to vent about him, Derek, and these boys that somehow have the same ideas.

"I'm sorry you regret things."

"It's not that I regret it. It was fun, but you're still texting me, Derek just hit me up, and this fucking Matt guy. It's just all so bizarre."

"it's bizarre that you're an attractive woman who likes to have sex?"

"I'm a woman in my 40's who has three guys, well fuck four maybe, trying to all fuck me at the same time. Like, at the same time. The exact same time."

"I'd feel flattered."

"Oh sure, yeah, there's some of that, but it's like I'm 20 and hooking up all over the place. This is not how I pictured things going for me."

"Fair enough. I'll stop texting if you like."

"Why are you texting me every day anyway?" I snarked.

"I mean, I don't think we are going to be in a relationship, but I shared things with you and I like you as a person, maybe even a friend. I know things can get weird with what happened, so I just wanted to make sure you're ok. I guess it was all a mistake and I apologize."

"You're too sweet Shane. I don't think it was a mistake, but all of this came out of nowhere. I'm happy to have you as a friend and it's really nice of you to care about me like this. I just don't want to lead you on."

"Not at all."

" I just got on that damn app thinking I was going to have a boyfriend or something and now there's three fucking dudes trying to be all up in this."

"Four. Maybe."

That made me smile.

"Yeah Shane, four."

"Maybe."

I laughed, "ok yes, MAYBE four."

"Well Tanya, I guess you're going to have to ask yourself what you really want. We can be friends, we can be a little more than friends, we can be nothing. I can't speak for Derek, but I think he's probably on the same page. And these other guys, who the fuck knows? Maybe just ghost us all and move on, or maybe sow some oats, or maybe some mixture of both. There's no wrong answer, just the answer that makes you feel the best."

Damnit Shane, why'd you have to go be all wonderful and sweet. Shane's care, Derek's body, and I'm in love. Well, maybe add a dash of Matt's charm and a dose of that nerdy, potentially smoldering brilliance of what's his name. Steven. Yeah, him.

Is there really such a thing as the total package? Take a little of all of these guys and you'd definitely have it. Am I being too picky? Why am I just not so into Shane? What am I even looking for really? I've been single so long and have been totally comfortable with it. Sex is nice, but that's what the toybox is for. Ok, well, it's not the same, but it scratches the itch for sure.

I sat in these thoughts for a few days until they began to fade. I decided to drop the app and just go about my life the way I had grown accustomed to. Work, go out with friends, dust off the ol' Silver Bullet when I needed to get off, and just enjoy a less complicated life.

A couple of months later, I was walking into happy hour with my bestie when I heard a booming voice above the clatter.

"Tanya!"

Matt. I felt like hiding my face, but eye contact was already made. He motioned me over and I reluctantly obliged.

"Hi Matt."

"How have you been?"

"I'm doing ok."

"That's good to hear. Check it, Jay!"

I turned to see none other than what's his face turning the corner around the bar.

"Steven, this is my friend Tanya. Tanya, this is 'Long Dong Silver' himself, Mr Steven Asche."

"Stop fucking introducing me that way. Nice to meet you."

"Bro, if I had that sort of hammer, I'd be introducing myself like that all the time."

"We are not the same."

"Yeah man, I know, but..."

"Well, this has all be fun and all, but I'm going to meet my friend now. Good to see you, Matt. Nice meeting you Steven."

I abruptly turned and walked away hearing Matt saying something about me still having his number and going to the beach, but I was trying not to listen.

"WHO WAS THAT HOT BOY!" Caroline mused.

"Oh Jesus. Some fucking guy I met online."

"Some fucking guy? YOU SLUT!"

"Shut. Up. Why is everyone so gross?"

"I feel like there's more to this story. He's looking over here, you know."

"God... whyyyy? Ugh."

"What have you been up to young lady?" Caroline giggled.

I guess it had been a while since we really had time to talk, so I filled her in on my exploits over the last several of months. I had told her about my dates with both Shane and Derek, but neglected to give her all the dirt.

"Dude."

"I know."

"No. You have no idea. That's the fantasy!"

"Who's fantasy?"

"EVERYONE'S!"

"Whatever."

"No, I'm serious. You have FOUR hot guys, all wanting to get with you and they're willing to go all at the same time? It's wild!"

"Yeah, wild. Doesn't feel right though."

"Right for what? Right for forever? Of course not. Right for a moment... or several? Girl, if I was single, I'd be all over that. We're in our primes and you have fuckall holding you back. You do you, but you haven't at least thought about it? All of them? Together, separate?"

"I guess I've thought about it a little."

"And what are you going to do about it?"

"Nothing. It's too much."

"Ok, but you should definitely consider it. Once in a lifetime opportunity if you ask me."

"Drop it."

"Ok, ok. Sorry... he's still looking over here."

"Stop!"

Caroline just laughed and we went into our normal girl talk stuff, NOT involving my sex life. A couple of hours later a noticeably drunk Matt approached, with a stone-faced Steven at his side.

"Yo, who's your sexy friend?"

"I'm Caroline."

"And she's married."

"Oh my God, Tanya, I'm just saying hi."

"Rings don't plug holes ya know."

"Ok man, it's time to go." Steven chirped.

Caroline flirtatiously chortled, "yeah, get out of here stud."

Steven apologized and dragged Matt away as he started drunkenly singing Sweet Caroline.

"Don't say a thing."

"My lips are sealed. Wouldn't mind them being sealed around..."

"STOP IT!" I laughed.

For the next couple of days, I toiled in the fantasy life Caroline had presented. My devilish hedonistic side on one shoulder and the similarly devilish, but less horny pragmatic side on the other, competing for my thoughts. Is this the life I want to live? Where does this go? It doesn't have to last forever and sure sounds fun? Will I catch feelings? Will they catch feelings? How much is too much? Is it ever too much? Am I being used? Am I using them? What if it's just one and done? Based on the continued interest of Shane and Derek, could it really be that way?

Too many questions and after digging deep into the toybox, changing several batteries, the pragmatic angel started to gain steam. I'm going to be 41 years old, is this really the best way to spend my peak years?

I decided that being happily single was fine and succumbing to my hedonistic tendencies probably would just leave me feeling empty.

"Empty?" Caroline questioned jokingly, "girl you're gonna be filled over and over again."

"You're the worst."

"I know, I'm teasing you. I get it. It's not like you're really going to be spending all of your time with these guys, it'll just be fun and sex and that only goes so far. You need dates and cuddles, movie nights and fun times out and about."

"Exactly."

"And some good dick downs."

"God damnit."

Caroline giggles.

"It's just kind of crazy. These guys, as a whole, are kinda perfect, but individually they're terrible. Ok, not terrible and Shane is actually pretty great, but there's just no spark."

"It's almost like you need to be romanced by Shane, fucked to death by Derek, dated by Matt, and get into the deep intellectual stuff with Steven."

"Right!"

"Could you do that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Obviously Steven is the wildcard, but what do you think each one of these guys really wants?"

"To fuck me, obviously."

"Yeah, sure, but look at what's going on. Shane, Mr Romance. He's taking care of you. He's checking in. He opened the doors on your dates, made you feel special, and gives you that attention. Derek? Mr Gorilla-Fucker. He checks that sex box, right? Matt's super fun and wants to hang out. He's Mr Date Guy potentially. And Mr Smarty Pants, Steven, maybe he knows a thing or two about those weird psychologist guys you're always droning on and on about."

"How strange."

"How PERFECT!"

"Sounds exhausting."

"Maybe. Maybe not. Keep it on your terms, cut it off if it ever gets to be too much or anyone gets weird and go have some fun."

"Maybe."

"Maybe give it a whirl. If nothing else, you'll have great stories for our girl's trip next fall."

"Ugh, where do I even begin?"

"Oh that's easy. You have two ring leaders. Shane started this whole ball rolling and is all buddy-buddy, so ask him. See what he says. Then, loop in Matt. Derek is all in for whatever it seems so he's easy and by the looks of it, Steven will just follow Matt's lead."

"It's so complicated."

"Coordinating it sure would be at first, but once you get into a routine, feels like it'll all be very exciting."

"I dunno."

"I've had worse problems."

"Yeah, how are things with Mike?"

"Oh, we're good, but I could use a few more of him sometimes."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, of course. After 17 years Mr Romance Gorilla-Fuck Date Guy Smarty Pants has some trouble juggling those plates sometimes. It's to be expected and totally fine. I'm not exactly Miss Suck Your Dick in White Castle Drive Through At 3am While We're Both Hammered Girl anymore either."

"You were such a whore back then!" I cackle.

"It's totally what made Mike fell in love with me."

More thinking, more bouncing these ideas back and forth and zero contact with 'The Boys.' As you'd expect, Shane was the first to break.

'Hey stranger, how have you been?'

Looking back at our last messages, it had been 3 weeks since I spoke to him.

'I'm good. Been doing a lot of thinking, how have you been?'

'Good thoughts I hope.'

'Yeah, mostly. Do you have Time to talk?'

Shane called me immediately as I knew he would. We talked for almost an hour as we went back and forth about everything. I opened up completely and he was just as awesome as you'd expect. He did indicate he was worried about feelings, but at the same Time was open to the situation. He loved the romance, but struggled to find a good fit for himself so the idea of having a 'friend' as an outlet felt like a good plan. And plan, we did.

He recommended that my first step was to contact Matt, just as Caroline said. I explained the situation to him and to nobody's surprise, he was eager.

"I'd love to just go out and have fun. I believe I actually offered that to begin with and you shot me down like a Top Gun fighter jet, but I'll be your Maverick."

"Are you even old enough to know that movie?"

"Shit just came out last year!"

Ugh.

"Steven will be in. He's been dying to talk nerd shit with someone. It drives me fucking nuts."

"I think I should talk to him first."

"Yeah, cool, whatever. Want his number?"

"Just tell him what we talked about and give him my number. He can call me if he wants."

From there it was a simple text message to Derek, trying to speak in his language.

'Do you want to come over and fuck me sometimes?'

'Right now'

'No, just have a thing where we get together every once in a while, but we're free to see other people.'

'yep'

I circled back around to Shane the next day and filled him in. We laughed at how this all seemed to be kind of fun and silly, albeit quite serious at the same Time. The intertwining of several lives like this is complicated stuff, but the end goal seemed like it would work for everyone.

Within a couple of days, I had three men at my beck and call, then Steven called. We talked for almost four hours that first night. While not much into psychology, he was full of endless knowledge on English literature, history, science, and just about everything else you can think of. To say he stoked my intellectual fires is an understatement. The next day he sent me a text message asking to meet to discuss the specifics. I thought we had, but as a deep thinker, he had some concerns to address.

First and foremost, safety. I guess I had been pretty reckless with Shane and Derek, not exploring their sexual health and just assuming neither of them would knock me up. Fair point, I decided to get on the pill immediately and we'd all need to discuss and agree upon how to handle sex outside of the 'situationship.' Right after we all were tested. The rest was basically logistics and expectations, reiterating my initial concerns when talking to Caroline about how to split Time, where overlaps made sense, and how to handle any potential feelings.

Seemed like we were all set, but where to begin? Shane suggested I spend a little Time getting to know Steven as he was the one who I knew the least. I reached out and he agreed to meet for coffee the next morning.

Steven showed up wearing his nicest Marvel t-shirt and jeans, his glasses fogging up in the misty air. He had light black stubble that offset his boyish face. We dove right into current events and I found his politics interesting and well thought, despite some fundamental disagreements. What he lacked in charisma, he more than made up for in abject brilliance. We got pretty deep into philosophy before I realized I was late for my meet up with friends to try my hand a pickleball. I wasn't wholly attracted to him, but he was cute and did engage my intellect to a degree that I was intrigued. I invited him over that evening.