All Comments on 'The Preacher's Son Ch.01'

I will certainly be reading more of your work. You tied fantasy-level in with credible characters; not an easy fear. And the connection between the two main people was very sweet. Good job, and thank you for sharing!

The opening of this really turned me off. I guess that attributes to how well you write because both the pastor and his son made me want to throttle both of them. But then again, this is how I feel when Bible thumpers go off like this in real life. I'm probably gonna wait to read this until it's all finished that way I don't read and get pissed off on a break in the story. If I'm gonna be angry and wish for the downfall of some characters, I'd rather do it with a complete story, so all of my anger gets out at once. I'll be watching for the finale.

Hey Oghma, I think you have a solid foundation, and I enjoy your stories so far, but after reading your prior series and the start of this one I wanted to make a few comments.

1. Cliche/stereotypical writing

The opening to this story had a lot of tropes, and I think you could have made it more interesting simply by showing us the kid's perspective on the sequence rather than the actual individuals arguing. They're the main characters, and I think it would be more effective to see the interaction from their point of view rather than the mom and dad.

2. haha!- This was just super awkward and unnecessary, you can cut these without any effect to the story.

3. The "i'm talking about a friend and not myself but it's obviously about myself" trope.

It surprisingly worked well here, even if it's layered on top of the "oblivious religious homophobic dad" trope. It worked here because it's a thing a teenage boy would do.

4. Spend more time opening the setting of the place in which the characters are - they're clearly backstage at some tv studio, but beyond that I have no idea.

5. You spent some time showing how awkward he was, but I think you could have shown more by delving into his thoughts. For example, if a super hot girl sits right next to him, I would be describing how half of his attention was on the game, and the other half was on not freaking out at the situation. Then, show how awesome the girl is, and how it put him at ease, to where once she did so, he was able to concentrate on the game and beat it. You alluded to this, and I think this was your idea, but I would have spent more time on it.

6. The sex scenes are hot, in this series and the prior one.

I hope this is constructive for you, please don't take it negatively. I'm looking forward to more of your stories :)

It's nice to hear some constructive criticism. I'll try to keep it all in mind; but I should mention that "Haha" is Japanese for "Mom". Himawari's half Japanese after all, so it's likely she would call her mom that. Although I did forget to point that out in the story, so I guess that one's on me.