All Comments on 'The Proposal'

too long. should be made into chapters

Wreck of a story.

Sorry, didn't work for me

I'm not sure what to say. It was very long. Nate was an awful person. How could he just walk away to go back to his cheating slut of a wife. I think this was several stories mashed up into one. I was hoping he would tell his wife to take a hike and that he had found a decent, loving woman who would never treat him the way she had treated him. Then she revealed she had caught a horrible STD but was getting treatment. What did her joining the band have anything to do with the story? I'm confused.

That was twisted path, made for a fun read. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I know I must be really weird. While I agree with those comments (4 at the current time) the tale was too long. I have to totally disagree that it was not a good tale. To me it was actually three tales woven into one.

While I hate long tales because I am a slow reader, I did appreciate the way this one moved along and the way it strolled from one segment into the next. That was the only thing that kept me from stopping in the first 3 pages and say it was not worth the read.

Having said the above about this tale, as I continued the journey through your tale, I started to enjoy the way you told your tale. I enjoyed the way you wove it so much that I gave it an Outstanding Read ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating.

While I enjoyed this one and the way you produced a great product, please break a part your future tales into easier to consume products of 3 or 4 pages. I ask this for us slow readers because some of miss great tales by some authors because the first thing we do is look at the number of pages and move on if it is more than a few (3 – 5 in my case). I didn’t on this one because one of your earlier tales was so well developed when I went back to read it, I was hoping this one would fall in the same category of good tales. It did and I was glad I didn’t pass it up.

I know passing on tales is a chance some of us take and it’s our loss. Your tales are yours I am just a consumer of products you create. Thank you for this product I look forward to consuming your future products.

Keep Writing

JH4Fun

Everything was fine until Nate left, then the story drove off a cliff. How could those 2 women just allow Alex to come back and take Nate away? I understand the whole personal accountability thing and that's on Nate. But what happened to the idea of fighting for the things you love? No woman is going to spend a year of working on a house for someone, fixing it up, making it into their dream house and just let the person walk away without a confrontation. They knew how Alex manipulated Nate when they were married, and yet they allowed him to fall back into the trap. That's not something someone does when they claim they love them.

I'll be kind and not drag down the ratings with a low score. The structure was too jammed up. At least put in section breaks. I honestly did not care for this. Keep writing, though.

It's a good story but OH MY GOD YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO BREAK SCENES. You run from one to another to another, and it destroys the structure and flow of the story.

Swingers who are horny, lying sluts.

This is just really idiotic. They go to a open marriage class where they get the strong powerful lecture about boundaries and apparently everybody except for the husband is fucking everybody else while the the teacher doesn't know anything about it.

Hard to follow. Way too chaotic and the internal logic is utter chaos.

3 stars

Well, that was a waste. You need to go back and learn how to properly space your paragraphs. This read like one veeeery long run-on sentence. Plus, once Nate fucked back off with Alex, it wasn't worth reading anymore. He spent a YEAR with Eva and Kate, then just leaves when she shows up and says she's ready? Fuck that noise. 2 stars.

Too much dialogue and hard to follow, read like a play, not a story

An Ok story that was too long - what's with kate, jake, nate?? Going back to Alex ruin the story for me. 2*

Bleh.

There were parts of this story that I thought were very good, but it had so many twists and turns it was sometimes hard to follow. I want to give it a higher rating, but it all just seemed disjointed. These are great characters, I just think they need their own stories and a little more character development.

The worst story on here and that is saying a lot.

Stopped reading after first dozen paragraphs terrible writing!!!!

Many thanks, it was a great (long) read!

Started well but went to rat shit when the ex-not quite divorced wife re-appeared and Nate went off with her, could have done with a why he disappeared with her, but nothing. Story went to pieces afterwards, about 4 wasted pages, I couldn't face reading the last page and a half, as I was totally confused.

I was along for the ride until Nate drove off with his wife. The story stopped resonating at that point. It is like being lead along and finding a surprise 90 degree turn that makes no sense. He goes from a life of idyllic bliss back to servitude to a scheming witch. You lost me there.

I realized what the other commenters describe below, when you listed off 5 different couples on the top of the first page. This was going to be a train wreck, from the opening few lines.

That was WAY too long and the writing style was so disjointed as to make it nearly unreadable. Please don't do that again. Ugh!

I gave up a third of the way through page 6.

Train wreck plot.

2 pages in and I could not care if any of them live or die. Hell, I gave up trying to keep things straight.

Sometimes I could not tell who was talking.

Very interesting. Transitioned main characters which is unusual. Hate is a maroon as Bugs Bunny would say.

Simply non sensical! Story has no focus!

You need an editor to clean up this stream of consciousness train wreck. There is a story in there, I think., but didn’t need 9 pages of disconnected rambling.

First, if you don't want a torrent of downvotes, label your story "cuckold" content at the beginning, saving time for those of that don't like those stories. I am fine w/ other people liking them if that is your thing. I am not interested though. I got as far as page 3 and skimmed the rest. Aside from the obvious cuckold thing, this incredibly repetitive. Seemed like the writer entered some general parameters in ChatGPT and then just published it, although most AIs would probably write better than this. The characters were unsympathetic, no one to root for in the story. Their behavior made little sense other than Kate, who was obviously a narcissistic nymphomaniac with serious mental health issues, so her behavior was consistent w/ a person like that. This story was waaaaay overlong for the dearth of ideas presented. I try and offer something positive so I can say that spelling and grammar appeared to be good. This writer may excel at technical writing.

You've received a lot of negative press with this one, unfairly I feel. I had little problem following your "stream of consciousness" and found the lead female character engaging.

Good story… enjoyed this read. You have the means to be a very good writer. Good luck… thank-you for this story. Gonna read the others.

Very confusing story with too many characters and too many relationships to follow. Thanks anyway.

Great story, thanks for sharing it with us. Just one point, mice don’t stay in abandoned houses in any numbers. Lack of food moves them along pretty quick.

So you started out saying this isn't a cheating story. Then you write that the couples should not be coerced: yet everyone of them was coerced. So basically they all cheated with the one wife whose husband did not want to participate. Funny thing here: you lied and the couples lied. The ones who told the truth well, they getting hurt by this. I only read three pages, but since you wrote a cuck and cheating story one star.

The story was all over the place - but I LOVED it!

Please don't post another story without taking several writing, grammar, and editing courses. This was a tangled shitshow - no clear delineation between speaking parts, who was talking or acting most of the time. Your "plot" also shifted focus through multiple different MC's so this could've been 2-3 different stories.

Interesting take on the subject, but could have used an editor to help keep things straight and from running off the rails at times.

Needed some reasonings/development as to why in the hell Nate went back with Alex (and just dropped out of the story).

Definitely need better breaks when there's a time shift or change of scene.

Regardless of the effort to redeem Alex's character, she is still a failure as a human being. In general terms of personal regard and consideration, I have been treated exponentially better by people who I knew disliked or outright hated me. Alex dumped calloused contempt and outright disregard for every aspect of their marriage and literally shunned Nate's love. She says one thing but her actions say she didn't love him, nor did she hate him. I think most have heard how that describes the real relationship between two former spouses.

So I had a hard time reading this as the interactions between players seemed to bob and weave, change course, come to a sudden stop, dissappear then spontaneously reignite. For a moment I thought it was going to go from FFM with Nate, Eva, and Kate to a MMF between Nate, Noah, and Kate. Surprisingly, thankfully, it did not.

Good story but difficult to follow

Stuck through the garbage until the love story at the end. Finally git good. Trash the cheater/swapping crap and stick with the love story.

I liked the story. Is the first one I read from you, I'll try others. Aome thoughts...i had a little trouble following some conversations and thoughts, had to read several of them a few times to make aure I got it right. Also had some weird time jumps on the story and im not talking about the three years later, although it kind of was. I think you can grow as a writer and write great stories. This was a fun one, just needs a little work.

Crappy story!!!

After selling bullshit to the reader for first few pages about swinging rules, you took story in a another direction that is not even near the original. It makes most of the characters 2D and transparent.

Sorry for your 9 page effort, but you could made it better.

I didn't like this story at all. It doesn't make sense at all (at least to me). 1*.

very odd and confusing transitions.. We hear Nate is pissed at Kate for not being around and lying

about visiting her mom, but there is zero lead in about this. We discover Kate has been evidently

going out quite a bit to work on the cabin, but no one knows about it. Then we find out Alex comes

back, has a chat with Nate, and he boogies away with little discussion basically right out of the story.

Our MC essentially departs the story leaving the reader wtf is going on...confusing and disjointed.

some very good writing though intermingled with odd stuff

I loved - 5 stars - this story !

Although I couldn't believe Nate left to go back to Alex without a word to Kate & Eva - and actually they went 'happily ever after'. That was the only part that I thought was a tad weak

But, since it's your story, you get to do as you wish.

Really very well written with characters that were human, had faults and foibles, and felt a range of emotions from love to pain to hate and sadness, and finally joy.

Followed to read more of your work.

What is this garbage? No, seriously, what the hell even is it? The writing is so poor that most of the story doesn't make sense.

A lttle too long a story. Also, too hard to keep up-- the scene changed suddenly from one line to another. Story could've been told with less than the 9 pages. Then maybe my rating would've changed. That, & getting some help on writing the story to become a better one. Many things were just thrown in without any "background" to expect anything.

Liked the story's slant, so to speak, but not enough to save it. 2 stars Bob

What exactly is "roll play?" Does that entail fun with dinner rolls or toilet paper rolls? Just wondering (not 'wandering'.)

*

Pro Tip Warning: "English rife with Homophones!"

A long story with this many machinations and twists is difficult to manage. As related by other commenters, especially by @Opinionated1, there a a lot of plot holes, dead ends, and head scratchers in this story. A less eloquent person would liken it to "leaking like a soup sandwich." Did you use an editor or even have 2 or 3 people read over this work? If you did have an editor, find another one. Ditto with the readers. This is an excellent first draft.

-

Remember Chekov's Gun. It also applies to actions, plot twists, and evocative conversations of the characters. Chekov said if a gun appears in the first act, it needs to be used before the end of the second act. Readers remember details, even when we, as writers, forget them. That's why excruciating details have a keen double edge. That's why too much backstory and too many character traits can work against your story. That's why you/me/they need an editor. Or, as one old-school writer stated, "Show me someone that doesn't use an editor, and I'll show you a writer living on pork-'n-bean sandwiches." Not literal in our sense, but apropos.

-

Reedit, rewrite and republish this as the story it potentially is. I love the potential.

Here he has two beautiful women who love him and he goes back to that cheating whore alex. No stars.

So the rules are for the honest, respectful pushover spouse, got it. Here’s a hint - if you are in a relationship and they are badgering you to do something that really crosses your boundaries, then tell them “no” one time. Show them your spine. If they keep pushing, time to move on. They only care about themselves and you are just being used.

A bloody good story you have here. As many have stated an editor and proof reader will help greatly. It is my experience that the best story tellers are not that great with their grammar and spelling but have a creative talent that far surpasses the skills that grammar and spelling nazis like myself.

Team up with a someone who has those skills and you will make a great team.

5 stars for the great story

Way too long and became a chore to carry on reading it.

"leaking like a soup sandwich." Was that chicken noodle or vegetable soup?

The jumps between scenes and the overuse of pronouns make this a bit muddled in places. If you have 3 female characters in a room together, you need to clearly identify which person “she” refers to. You can also use story context to ID the speaker or pov. But this lack of clarity was an issue that broke reader immersion.

I liked it. This was a nice story. Though, as others have mentioned, it was difficult to follow at times.

Huh!!!!! The story was all over the place. Main characters disappeared midway without much explanation.. The time jump and then the second part seemed rushed and so much more

I liked the beginning. Actually fell asleep in the middle... sorry

Wow this was bad

An overly long story that not only got lost in the weeds multiple times, but changed horses midstream. Not many stories can survive a sudden change in main character, and this one didn't.

Overall, nothing but a convoluted mess that was rather disappointing.

Disappointing

You have to be fucking kidding me he a good woman after he left the slut then he goes back to the slut what pathetic cuck little bitch now kate isn't much better though she claimed she

To finish my last comment she claimed to be madly in love with nate then she see the other dick and then she is supposedly madly in love with him at first site nate would have been fucked either way cause if he would have stayed with her and she seen this noah guy who by the way killed your story she would have cheated on nate with Noah and eva would have kept her secret nate should have just left all of them and got away but no he became a willing cuck bitch and probably raising another mans kids cause alex got pregnant with another man even though nate took her back once a cheater always a cheater

Just like your writing here, these situations never work, they are all over the place with no long term success. This story is really messed up and in reality people who try these stupid games never last and invariably they fall apart as there is no consistency throughout the relationships as there was not throughout the writing in your writing. Get with a creative writing tutor and learn how to write with some continuity.

What a mess. Changing directions and totally changed plots. Terrible.

Now that was one of the stupidest stories l’ve ever read, what a mixed up mish mash with no direction at all.

It was literally all over the place, l hope this was your first story, but if not you must have had a breakdown writing this shit.

Anyway scores 1/5

Wow, how many times does this story change? I thought MC was Nate, then Kate? Please don't quit your day job, or go to community College and take course on story writing. Way too many rabbit trails.

Zig zag plop. Main heroic character is turned to shit by author; not a good move. Then new character that was smart with burgeoning career, becomes Miss Milquetoast for new guy; out character entirely. Best I could do was 4/5 given the first 7 or 8 pages were kind of intesting and engaging.

Blah blah blah. Sorry this was a wet mess. And please someone shoot Nate and Alex in the head repeatedly.

Abruptly and inexplicably changed plot and main characters.

Nate and Alex changed 180 degrees, made no sense then.

It's was good up till the point where you shit on the guy and made him out to be the villain. Then Kate wanting marry some random ass guy that got lost in the woods for two years or something.

A great story with a lot of twists and turns. Still not a lover of Alex after what she did to Nate and then tried to turn it around and be the good wife. He should have left her in the dust.

2.5 stars, ironically could be 3.5 or even 4 with minor fixes.

/

-1.5 stars because Nate went from idiot henpecked husband with zero willpower or taste in women, to disgusting asswipe for what he did to Kate, to RAACy cuckboy. And if anyone believes his sociopathic "wife" stopped cheating, I am writing the next great American novel made out of LW comments and you should invest into it. She'll just find another psychobabble excuse to do it when her next emotional crisis hits. And I, for one, would feel literally zero empathy for his future pain. 100% deserved.

/

-0.5 stars, because while the ending with Noah kinda saved the story; I didn't really like how much of an asswipe his sister was to Kate. She's basically a fucking giant bully, literally. She KNEW how fragile Kate was and still kept goading her into pain point. And her insults to her brother (and making him freeze) were disgusting too. This bullying added NOTHING to the story and made it much worse and should have been edited out.

/

and -0.5 stars for lying to Eva's husband about her past. Seems the idiots didn't lean much about honesty and openness and shit. I'm sure THAT marriage is gonna last forever. NOT. This was such an easy trivial thing to fix too.

Incoherent plot and randomly mutating characters. Just starting to write without planning your characters and then at least outlining your plot produces this sort of issue. Unless you’re a talented and experienced writer.

A bit more work at the beginning, will produce a better product.

Wish there was some kind of indicator for stories where they go good for about 3/4 of it and then take a hard turn into stupid. Sounds like Nate got a new personality out of nowhere.

Ending was shit and a waste of writing. Story would be tremendously better with an alternative ending, bottom line, story was great until page 8. Oh and Nate is a simp. Otherwise we'll written and engaging.

Thanks for writing

Hmm first she supposedly in love with the cuck bitch who isn't a man then suddenly she's over the bitch and in love with this other person without a seconds thought next you're going to say then she's in love with someone else the wife in this damn story doesn't know what or better yet who she wants as far as the rest of it goes well that is simple she cheated so her and her lovers should have been killed because that's what they deserve they don't deserve to be happy nor to live the husband being a cuck bitch deserves to die as well if he was a man he would have never taken the slut back if he was a real man he would have killed her and her lovers they had no kids so there isnt a excuse to allow the cheating slut to live

Strait up lies of couples who try any swinging, swapping, sharing, or open 90% end and with the most hate and animosity of divorcees. Your so wrong it's not even funny.

Be patient. It is a longer story. If you are a Romantic, don't shed too many tears. ;)

The Hoary Cleric

Too long, very confusing, you tried to put in too much one liners that seamed out of place! Dialogue was awful. 3*

Almost too sappy to swallow but all in all a good story with a perfect ending. Peeronally I like happy endings so much more than the "burn the bitch" variety.

The story was just all over the place way too confusing.

Scores 1/5 for just being hopeless

Agreed, a crazy, mixed up story. The only part didn't care for was Alex not being SEVERELY PUNISHED, she was a HORRIBLE person who needs to suffer immensely.

This was, uhhh, not my favorite read

What an arrogant bitch Poppy is, and by the sound of things she inherited it from her mother. What is it with relatives who manipulate, manhandle and lie? The story is confused and inconsequential, but then, it probably isn’t so far from real life …

started to read and quit immediately, totally not readable.

Confusing and too many characters and no true ending