The Rave

Dave seemed to hit it off with the guy he took to the barn dance (I assume) and so they were pretty much together the rest of the weekend. Tobin and I spent the night and the next day wandering around the fair, in the pub playing pool, eating or in his tent fucking. For some reason after the threesome with Dave, Tobin just wanted me to fuck him and I was happy to oblige. And though I'd used a condom with Dave, and using the excuse that Tobin and I had been tested, that was the last condom used that weekend.

It was very sad to see Tobin and Dave off on the bus back to Melbourne on Monday afternoon. The fair packed up and the camp ground emptied as nearly everyone headed home. I spent the night alone in my little tent after a dinner of a meat pie and a donut I got from the supermarket. The next day I got nervous and drove over to Bright so I didn't have to lie to my parents too much. I stayed another night in my tent and the next day drove all the way home. Nearly nine hours on the road but stopping every two hours or so to recharge and check the flood of text messages from Tobin and Dave.

So I started off this post saying how I was the definition of a "good boy". What do you think now? Lets make a list:

* I took the drug ecstasy - I don't regret it.

* I smoked cannabis - I don't regret it.

* I danced naked at a public event - I don't regret it.

* I sucked a guy's cock in public - I don't regret it.

* I had unprotected sex with a guy who's HIV status I didn't know while high on drugs and let him cum in my arse - Well that was stupid and I regret arguing with Tobin about it and worrying him - It turned out ok but I won't do it again.

* I drove my car at 3 in the morning while high on drugs - I regret that. It was stupid and could have been disastrous if I'd had an accident or been stopped by the police.

* A had vaginal sex with a trans boy - I most definitely don't regret that.

* I had anal sex with a guy at least a dozen times in about a 50 hour period, mostly unprotected (though we'd tested negative), mostly me fucking him - I definitely don't regret that.

I may not be someone's idea of a "good boy" but I think I'm a better person because of that long weekend. Not only that, I may not be what some people define as a "good Christian", but I believe that I'm actually a better Christian than I was before. At least I'm not going to judge or have opinions about people because of the beliefs I chose. That's more like Jesus that 99.9% of the people at my church. I'm also definitely a happier person.

That was two weeks ago. I'm still in the closet with my family and Tobin supports that decision until I'm financially independent. I can't be confident that my "Christian" parents won't throw me out or do something drastic if they know I'm gay. I talk with Tobin and Dave a lot and I'm starting to make more gay friends by joining a group at my university.

I've talked to Alex again too but we are not going to start fucking again. It might be what I want physically but I know the kind of relationship I had with him is not what I want.

Yes, I'm still a good boy... just with a few more secrets than I started with.