All Comments on 'The Romance of Jayne Ch. 03'

I really like the first two chapters but this third one really needs some work. You go from 1st person to third then the names dont jive (Maggie) Some of the sentences are fragmented and not complete. It made for a really distracting read. Might want to have someone proof read the next time.

I know you wrote this 6 years ago, but I hope you have read it since then. Not only is it confusing to go to 3rd person in a story, but in a sentence its bad. Your last story read much better.