The Same Old Story - End 02

Sharon asked, "Kat, did you feel worthy of Andy's love? Did his treatment of you change?"

Kat thought, there were tears, "No. Andy was perfect. I was just a little girl in a woman's body who failed him. I tried and tried to be better for him but the more I failed, I resented that he was so perfect. He's never changed, he's always put me first, no matter the shit I have given him."

She was sobbing.

Sharon looked at me. I wasn't moving towards Kat which I would have done previously. I could tell this gave her cause for concern.

"Andy," she asked, "Were you satisfied with your sex life?"

I shook my head, "Yes and no. I wanted Kat to enjoy it. When we first started dating, she did wear decent lingerie, not slutty but sensual. I thought to entice me which it did. She did say she didn't have much experience. I never knew until now it was such a bad experience. We surprised ourselves when she came from me just playing with her breasts.

"I knew there was someone in her who wanted more. I tried to suggest things like this today but the more I did, the more it seemed to backfire. The lingerie became underwear. She never instigated sex or allowed it outside the bedroom. We still had a frequent, if tame, sex life. While she still had me play her to several orgasms, all I got latterly was a quick few strokes to get me hard and told to help myself.

"When she started the girls' night outs, our limited sex life stopped. I felt an undertone, I couldn't put a name too. I was suspicious but didn't want my suspicions confirmed. If I hadn't been so pissed off with the traffic, I wouldn't have been home in time to see how she was dressed.

"I couldn't have been hit any harder physically than I was mentally. Here she was preparing, bare pussy, very sensual lingerie and revealing dress. All my fantasies in one yet it wasn't for me. Every word she spoke was just another dagger into my heart.

"When she left for big cock, I was utterly devastated. My anger was building and building. I checked the divorce laws.

"When she returned, she may not have gone ahead but my perception of her had changed remarkably. I have no trust in her. What will tomorrow bring?"

Sharon asked softly, "Why are you here?"

"A friend suggested we have counselling. He felt, I needed help to make a decision for me, not for Kat. If I could get over my devastation, could I rebuild with Kat? Was her supposed regret, guilt, real or a sham? I only had questions, no answers."

Sharon turned to Kat, "Why are you here?"

Kat spoke slowly, the pain in her was in every word, "I love Andy. Together we were as one. I had two goals, if possible. One was to prove to Andy, I'd never be such a selfish bitch again. To try and build a better us. The second was to be the best sex partner and wife, he could ever imagine. I need help to gain the confidence to do the things we both want but also to do them well.

"What Andy said, shows he has made his mind up, just not admitted it to himself. I've truly fucked us up!"

Sharon looked at me, "I don't know. I guess the lack of trust is what drives my thoughts that divorce is the only option. Without trust, how can I live with knowing she may be looking for a replacement?"

Sharon looked straight through me, "What hurt most, her actions or your ego being bashed?"

I almost shouted, "Her actions!"

"Are you sure? Did you think about her or just yourself?"

I started to reply but stopped, I remembered, "I never thought about her for some time that evening. I was only interested in my feelings, my pain, my devastation."

Sharon nodded, "Your reaction isn't unusual. You had Kat on a pedestal and she jumped off into an abyss. Your thoughts were about your failure, you'd failed her. How? What had you done wrong? You couldn't find any reason for this so turned it into rage and anger. Until you can release some of that anger, you'll stay on that path to divorce. I'm not saying you don't have every right to be angry, you do. Just that the anger is driving your actions. To achieve what your friend suggested, you need to release your anger and focus on what it is you want.

"In the same way, Kat can't build anything with you unless she works through her guilt. It is genuine. Your anger is blinding you to her words. Her guilt only sees a divorce in the future. If we can remove those obstacles, we can find a place for you to meet, discuss, learn and build a future. It may be together, it may not but it will be one which is the one you both feel is best."

After the sessions we both had a lot to think about. Sharon had told Kat not to be nude or dressed to arouse me. I needed the space to reduce my anger. We were both told to interact as far as normal but not sexually. The idea was that we talked about other things which happened, listened to each other.

Over a few weeks it appeared to be working, we talked more than we had in a long time. I hadn't realised Kat had been offered a promotion. We'd both been guilty of paying lip service to the other. We were even able to laugh together. We went out for drinks with friends, especially my brother James and his wife Stella or her sister and husband Anastasia and Bill. The women spent a lot of time talking.

Between these talks and the sessions, life appeared to be approaching normality. At least until Kat was late home one Friday evening. Her clothes looked a little dishevelled and she was walking gingerly, like she'd just fucked a bloody large cock!

I never thought, I just went full on rage, "You missed fucking around so much, you had to grab a quickie before you came home! To think I was beginning to believe I could trust you again."

Kat was mad, furious, "I'm not a whore! I've tried everything to make you see that. I was wrong. You'll never see me as anything else. I haven't fucked anyone. I was getting fucking waxed for you. Why I'll never fucking know!"

She stormed into the bedroom. I heard a lot of banging. She came out with her suitcase.

"I'll be back tomorrow to collect the rest of my stuff. I can't do anymore to keep us together. I fucked up Andy. I'll always know this is my fault but you're not blameless either. Sharon said you had to release your anger but you never have. I doubt you will. You play the victim so fucking well, you enjoy it."

She left without a backward glance. I was stunned.

I spent the whole evening analysing what we'd said. The next morning, I headed to the gym for an extensive workout. A lot was driven by my unresolved anger. I'd like to say it helped my mood but it didn't.

As I reached the floor of the flat, I saw Kat's dad, Don locking the door. He looked sad.

"Hi, Don, how are you?" I asked.

He looked at me, "Andy, I never expected this. I know what Kat did was wrong but between the two of you, she didn't do something even worse. She's been coming to ours to have a shoulder to cry on since. She's been a mess since that night but held onto a little hope for you both. She's seen this breakup as inevitable but worked to try and prevent it.

"She so wanted to believe you could work this out but you can't let go of the anger. Sharon, most weeks has told you that until you can, you won't move forward. You've skirted around being fully engaged in trying to build a new relationship.

"After last night, I don't think Kat has any fight left. If you don't want to fight to save your marriage, just get the divorce done. Move on. You'll regret it for the rest of your life but your ego will be happy.

"If you want to save it, you need to get into gear and work it out quickly. The state Kat is in, it may be too late!"

I just looked at him. He handed me the key and walked away.

The flat seemed empty. The photos, some artworks were gone. The realisation of what was happening was just beginning to dawn on me. I showered and dressed. There was a lot more room for my stuff in the wardrobe.

I had to move the laundry hamper. Kat normally did the washing on a Saturday. I sorted it into loads and put it on. She must have taken her worn clothes as well. There was nothing of hers left.

In the afternoon, I went to James and Stella's. I felt so flat. Both weren't surprised, Kat had left me especially after I told them what had happened the previous night.

Stella's legal training meant when she spoke, she didn't miss the target -- me. Her tone was like she was summing up a capital case.

"Andy, you've blamed Kat for everything since that night. You're so wrapped up in anger, you've never looked at yourself. We all know you two love each other but for a long time now, neither of you has showed it. You didn't listen to her. Remember six months ago when we were out with our big group and she was so happy. She'd got that promotion, beaten others who had been there longer. Did you realise how big a coup that was for her? Twenty of us were so happy for her. One wasn't.

"No, you were just thinking about yourself. You almost ignored her happiness. Before you'd have been all over her, congratulating her, telling everyone how proud of her you were but you just dismissed it as trivial.

"When Kat and I talked later, your reaction had hurt her badly. You weren't gaslighting her as such but you so seldom actually listened. Often in the flat, you'd both be there but she felt ignored unless you wanted sex. She knows what she did was totally fucking stupid but don't think you are blameless. She dismisses your attitude as being partly to blame for her bad choice but I think it played a part, a bloody big part, as she felt she couldn't speak with you. Because of that those bitches almost persuaded her to fuck around.

"Why did she become so unimportant to you? You stopped listening, being engaged with her, doing things with her. When was the last game you went to? The pictures? A weekend break?"

I tried to answer, "It wasn't like that."

James interrupted, "Andy, ask anyone of your friends and they will say the same. Stella has a very stressful job. Some nights she comes home and I listen to her explain how shit her day had been. I'd rather have root canal work in the dentist than listen to some of the things she has told me. But I listen as it's important to her, to me, to let her know I'm there for her.

"She does the same for me when a project isn't working. I know a few words from her has set me on the right track often. I only hope, I've helped her.

"I've massaged her head, neck and shoulders till she's fallen asleep. Would I have wanted to continue to have sex, probably but it's more important the sex is willingly given not taken. I know she appreciates what I do and when she is able, she will reward me with a night of lovemaking which will leave me breathless. I'd rather have that than a passionless wank in her reluctant vagina.

"Stella and I know what advice we would give you but you haven't listened to any for a while. Your ego and your anger have blinded you to what you had. It may be too late to save your marriage. Maybe you wanted out but couldn't tell Kat but her mistake gives you that opportunity.

"Andy, you need to decide what you want now. I think Don was right. Stella has felt for a few weeks that Kat was giving up on you. Last night would have killed her last hope."

The discussion or haranguing went on all afternoon. I was left in no doubt, I needed to do two or three things very quickly.

The first was dump my ego so the anger could be replaced by reason.

Decide whether I wanted a future with Kat or without.

Act on that decision. No delay.

After I went home, I did nothing but think. Sunday wasn't good either.

On the Wednesday, as I made my way towards Sharon's, I had two thoughts. Would Kat be there? How do I speak about what has happened? I thought I knew what I needed to say but would anyone want me to speak. Was it too late?

Kat wasn't in Sharon's waiting room which concerned me. She was always there first. Had she decided there was no point? From what Don and Stella had said, probably.

Sharon took me in and I told her what had transpired between Kat and I over the last week. I didn't downplay what I had said. It was about ten minutes in when I ended that sorry story. There was a door banging and Kat came in breathlessly. She apologised to Sharon but there had been an accident and she'd stopped to give some help. Her clothes were heavily bloodstained and her hands were red with blood.

Sharon took her to the toilets to clean up. I was shocked. At first, from her breathing and the blood I wondered if she had been badly hurt. At that moment, I grasped that what I thought I wanted to say was the correct thing after all.

After they came back in, Sharon gave Kat the gist of what I had said. She agreed. She never once looked directly at me.

Sharon asked a question to both of us, "Do either of you see any value in continuing?"

I spoke quietly, "If Kat thinks it would help, I do. Since Friday night, I've been verbally assaulted by some of those closest to me and basically told, not too politely, if I wanted to have any relationship with Kat, I needed to dump my ego and anger. They also told me in no uncertain terms that Kat had lied to you at the beginning when she said I was perfect. I was anything but.

"If Kat says no, I would like to tell you what I have learned these last few days before we part."

Sharon had a look on her face I hadn't seen before. She said later, it was the first time she had seen me speak without anger driving my facial features. I may have said the right things but I didn't truly mean them.

Kat looked stunned as she finally looked at me. Her voice shook as she spoke softly, "Andy, I can't go on with the way we are. I need you to say clearly what it is you want. If it's a divorce -- fine. If it's keeping this charade going to feed your ego, you're doing everything to save our marriage, I don't need that. I need you committed and open to that, saving our marriage. I need that commitment like you need mine I'll never think of straying again.

"So, what is it you actually want?"

I gathered my thoughts, "Kat, I want us to really try and get over this, to have our life we thought we would have. I love you, I've never stopped loving you but I held the anger to keep you away. In many ways it stopped me also looking at my own actions.

"You told Sharon I was perfect. I wasn't. Stella pointed out how I withdrew from you, from us. The most startling example was your promotion. When we talked about it here, I was surprised I couldn't recollect you being promoted. Stella and James told me how you were so high, every one bar me was so happy for you. I almost ignored you. The Andy I was before, would have been so proud, I would have been shouting it to everyone. I dismissed it. She told me how hurt you were.

"How you often felt you were ignored except when I wanted sex. How little we did together when before we did everything together, football, films, walks. How I stopped listening to you. Remember when we used to discuss our work, our day, the laughs, the support we gave each other. A lot of that we had lost. I was responsible for most of that.

"Since that bruising encounter and a different one but equally blunt with your dad, I've done nothing but think about it. I finally had to agree with Stella's assessment, my lack of communication, was in large part the catalyst for your stupid fucking fantasy, as you called it.

"Our lack of proper communication meant you sought some way, misguided as it was, of getting us back to where we were as I never listened.

"As I went over the last year, eighteen months, I came to the conclusion, I resented you for seemingly withdrawing from me. Your granny underwear, the number of faults you found with me, how if I said black, you went white. You said how nasty you felt you'd been to me. I took my revenge by withdrawing from our relationship.

"Our sex life was poor because you felt I was only interested in you for sex. I couldn't see that my behaviour was contributing to that. I only felt the rejection. I couldn't break the cycle. From what you have said here, you couldn't either.

"You've talked here about the bad experience you had. You never told me. You only said you'd had one previous partner and I didn't enquire further as it was before we met. I never knew you felt so badly about our sex life, how you sucked. I sucked your love for me out of you by what I did. I compounded that by my reaction to your night outs. I was annoyed at you, at me for allowing us to be so distant from each other. I never spoke to you about it because I didn't want to recognise my role in breaking us. I blamed you instead.

"I don't want you out of my life but I know you may never want me again because of what I have done. I'll work hard to be totally involved in any further sessions. I know I haven't up to now. We'll learn together.

"Kat, give me a chance to show you, I can be a better me."

Sharon had a smile on her face. I must have said something right for a change.

There were tears in my eyes. I felt a great sense of relief. As I watched Kat, I felt fear.

Kat spoke softly, "I don't quite understand. Are you saying you're just as much as me to blame for where we are?"

I nodded. I didn't trust my voice.

Kat said sadly, "I don't see how."

Sharon spoke, her voice warm, engaging, there was a tone of hope, "Kat, what Andy has said and what you have said before makes sense. Once your initial marriage rush was over, you both had to learn how to be married. Neither of you were aware that the little, subtle changes you were subconsciously making were as a result of how you felt the other was acting. Your failure as you saw it with sex led to you withdrawing your full participation. The changes in your clothing to make you less desirable. Andy retaliated by reducing the level of your communication. All of this took time as it was a slow, drip, drip, ever-changing reaction. You each constructed a position which allowed you to blame the other.

"Somewhere along the line something was going to blow this all up. Your stupid fantasy was the catalyst but it could easily have been something else, something Andy had done. Even something so trivial you'd never have thought it would cause an explosion. It was building, it just needed a light.

"The question is whether or not there is enough love left to hold you together while you work at being a better couple, not just in bed. It will be hard work, there will be tears but if you are both committed to it, it should work. It won't if one or both of you are not fully committed."

There was silence from both of us. I searched Kat's face for any clue of what she was thinking. She was deep in thought. Sharon was allowing us time to ensure we came to a decision which was right for us. I knew mine. I'd already said what I wanted. I was worried about what Kat would say.

Kat spoke softly, "When I set off for this meeting, I didn't know if Andy would be here. I wasn't sure I wanted to be here. After Friday, I knew I couldn't put up with the situation any longer. Andy's attitude at these sessions and at home, to me, was just a thin veneer to cover he had already decided on divorce. If he was here, I expected more of that or him to say divorce. I wouldn't fight it anymore. If he wasn't then it said the same.

"On the way, the accident happened. I was a few cars behind. I stopped to help. I grabbed the emergency first aid kit. A man had a large open fracture on his thigh. It was bleeding so much I had to ignore his screams as I put pressure on the wound to reduce the bleeding. His wife had a head knock and some other injuries but in comparison wasn't too bad. She was holding him, telling him to hold on, she loved him. She was in tears, in pain from her injuries but she held him.

"The paramedics were there quickly. They put a drip into him and took over the pressure. I was physically about done. They quickly got him out and rushed him away, with his wife.