The Sands of Time

There was an awkward silence between Michelle and Jim. "Now would be a good time to speak, Jim."

Jim looked at Michelle. Everything she said was absolutely true. Everything. Where did this woman come from? Three days ago, he would have happily kicked her out of their lives, but now she was like the wise old sage.

"You're right Michelle. While I am struggling to get over the part you played in encouraging Elaine, you are right. I do love Lainey. I always have. I think I always will. But she hurt me, Michelle. She hurt me to my core. It is not because she lost her commitment to me. Commitment isn't worth a damn. It is just another idea which reinforces one person's control over someone else. It is the idea that she knew it would hurt me and yet she continued. I get what you said about how she was feeling. Yes, I get that. I find the whole idea of her selfishness hard to put aside. She put aside the feelings of her love just for a selfish indulgence. That's the bit that hurts the most." Jim could feel himself getting teary. The emotions attached to love for someone else could get a bit overwhelming.

"Jim, you need to make a decision. Not just you. You and Elaine need to talk. It is not on you to make the first move. It is on Elaine. It was her decision ultimately. Yes, I know I played a big part and that is why we are having this conversation and why I now don't have a car!"

They both smiled at that. Jim marvelled at how his emotions had turned around in the past hour. At first, he was sad, angry, ready to fight anyone and anything. Ready to let fly at Michelle. Now he was feeling, still sad at the whole situation, but also to a degree, hopeful. He knew he had to face Elaine.

Michelle sensed that Jim had come to some sort of decision, so pressed home her advantage. It was time to deal the trump card. "Jim, Elaine is waiting for you."

"What? Where?" asked Jim.

"I organised for her to be waiting at the back of this café. Do you know how difficult it was for me to persuade the owner of this place to allow a sobbing, emotional woman to wait at the back, with the cooks and waiters while I try to persuade an angry ex-con to quieten down and calmly talk to his cheating wife?" Michelle laughed. "Don't go anywhere. Remember, my ten grand means that I own you!"

Michelle disappeared into the café and emerged with a very red-eyed Elaine in tow. Jim's heart skipped a beat. This meeting was unlike anything he had ever experienced before. His mind was a turmoil of emotions. Anger at the hurt caused to him, fear for what the future held for him and Elaine, the urge to run out of here to avoid this. However, surprisingly, the overwhelming emotion which dominated was his feeling of pity and sympathy for this wretched sight in front of him. Elaine was wrecked. Her eyes were hollow, her skin was pale, pallid. Her shoulders were shrugged inwards in a vain attempt to protect herself or to disappear inwards. She looked to have shrunken into herself since he last saw her. He had never seen her so sick-looking. He realised with great clarity that he still loved her.

"Hi Jim. I am so sorry. There is nothing I can say, or do, to make it right," she whispered through her sobs.

"Lainey, stop. We need to talk this through. You don't look good at all. Let's just take a breather until we can do that properly."

"Jim. I have to get off my chest what I have done. I selfishly put myself and my desires ahead of us. That beautiful 'us' that we have spent our whole adult lives nurturing and enjoying. And I threw it away over a stupid, stupid notion that I wanted to do something different without regard for you and your love for me. I knew in my heart that what I was doing was wrong. It was wrong for our relationship. It was wrong because of its selfishness. Yet I did it. When I saw the rage and torment in your eyes at that place, I suddenly knew the extent of hurt that I had caused you. Up until then, my own selfish desires over-powered the reality of what I was doing to you, to us. That epiphany caused my heart to break as I am sure yours already was. I crashed with the weight and enormity of what I had done. After you left, I looked at that sleaze lying on the floor, bleeding all over the bedroom carpet. I saw the filth that I was about to engage with. The feelings of disgust at myself and for that man made me want to die. I was angry. Angry at my own base desires. Angry at my willingness to throw away something good and precious. Angry at that sleazebag for encouraging me. Angry at Michelle for encouraging me. Angry at everything! I was ashamed. Ashamed at what I had become. Ashamed at what our children would think of me. Just to let you know, the parts of Giorgio that you missed with your punches and kicks, I filled in for you. They had to tear me away from him. He tried to get up and go after you, but when he realised the damage you had caused, he had to sit down on the bed. Sitting down wasn't a good move either. The police thought that it was only you that did the damage to the bastard." There was a grim smile on Elaine's face as she explained this to me. "Sorry!"

Jim was at a crossroad. Would his hurt and anger at what had happened allow him to let Elaine back in? He could almost hear some of his red-neck friends calling him, "Pussy! Whimp! Wet rag! Dump the cheating bitch!" Was he that sort of man? Was he a real man if he forgave her? Is that what a so-called 'real' man would do? Is a 'real' man someone who is authoritative towards his wife, demanding respect, like he was some sort of god?

He realised that those shitheads were wrong. Relationships are not about one person powering over another. Yes, he had been wronged. Yes, he had been hurt. Hurt to his core. He would have happily taken a bullet to protect his wife and family. He didn't have to face a bullet fortunately as Australia is one of the few countries in the world where unregistered guns are illegal. He always said to his friends that if anyone tried to hurt him or his family, he would fight the attackers head on. He may not win the fight, but he promised to inflict as much damage to the attacker as he could in the going down.

He had been hurt, but he knew he had room in his heart for forgiveness. Forgiveness, that often forgotten virtue which can make so much difference. He had room for some of that. He could see as plain as day that Elaine realised the wrong of what she had done. Her quiet 'sorry' was not just a word.

He wasn't an angel, some sort of virtuous being. He knew that there would be moments of doubt, when the anger and hurt would resurface. Even now, it was bubbling under the surface of his emotions. It would take him and Elaine a long time to get back to where they were, if they ever did.

"Lainey, tomorrow, after breakfast sometime, we have a long walk to do on the beach."

Jim turned to Michelle, "Hey you. I'll bet you know a good counsellor or two. Can you line one up for Elaine and me?"