tagHumor & SatireThe Sexual Musings of a Wandering Mind

The Sexual Musings of a Wandering Mind


I am not an advocate of political correctness. Never have understood how a group of people called the "baby boomers" could have even come up with the idea of labeling everyone with there own personal non-gender specific, we can't offend anyone, not even the little grubs that eat the shit out of my grass, psycho-name, call it a disease and send little Johnny (or is it Jonnie, Johnnie, Jahnnie... ) off to school pumped up with Ritalin, so he'll not kick any of the other kids or grab the teachers tits (now that's a sentence. No journalism major here).

You see kicking another child in grade school now gets you "quiet time" where you sit and reflect on the gravity of the indiscretion you have just performed. When I was a kid (I'm 47 years old, I've earned the right to say that), if you kicked another kid, it usually meant some sort of public humiliation bestowed upon you by the teacher. Be it standing in the corner, writing "I will not kick Jonnie again" a million times, or you got the dreaded paddle, yardstick, pointer, geography book spanking.

Grabbing a teacher's tit, on the other hand, was an immediate trip to the principal's office which was then followed by a phone call to your parents and another short walk to see the priest on duty that day. The priest's punishment was usually the same as the fore-mentioned kicking of little Jahnnie except that the priest would then give you a one hour sermon on how many sins I committed by touching a woman's private part. By the time you got out of there your ass hurt and you were scared to death because you didn't know how you were going to go take a piss without touching your own private parts (or mister happy as I liked to call it).

If you thought it was all over you were sadly mistaken. The worst was yet to come because of the dreaded phone call home. The kicking was usually provoked so you could talk your way out of that one with minimal damage. The grabbing of the teachers tit, however, was totally on my own, you see I had a crush on this particular teacher and I used to dream about her being my first fuck, so there was no talking my way out of it. I was grounded for a month, no T. V. for two weeks, no allowance for two months, and no time-off for good behavior. I might as well have gotten the death penalty. Oh, did I mention the ass-whipping that my Dad bestowed upon me?

Today, for grabbing a teachers hooters, you would get an immediate suspension pending an expulsion hearing. You will be required to go to a counselor to straighten out your twisted-up, sicko mind, and you will be branded a sex offender for the rest of your life. What are we trying to teach our kids? That violence is bad but sex is the end-all. Something as natural (although I do like un-natural sex) and pleasurable as sex is. If God wanted us to have sex only to procreate, He would not have made it feel sooooooooo fucking good. He would have made it as painful as childbirth. Something I have eye-witnessed twice and although I never felt the pain I can assure you I would never, ever voluntarily submit to that obvious mortifying agony. Nooooooo, God, in His infinite wisdom, made the outcome of sex the most pleasurable feeling you can even imagine. It is the nearest thing to perfection I can think of. The orgasm!!! Why, oh, why would God finally make something perfect and then tell us that the only time you can achieve this feeling of euphoria is when you want to have children?

Think of the poor woman in this. If I was only allowed to achieve an orgasm three times in my life (that's all the kids I want) then my arousal time would be very short, say, two minutes. In all my life I have never found a woman who can cum in two minutes. I would be content knowing that my sperm were busily swimming through all that pussy juice, searching for that tiny, hard as a rock, egg. The woman, on the other hand, would be sitting there with that "what about me?" look on her face. All you can do is say "sorry, that's never happened to me before. Next time I promise to wait for you to cum too."

NOT!!! That is why God should have made cumming as painful as childbirth. Men would still only last two minutes but he would have to cum because it's the only way he can shoot his load. As he writhed in pain every two minutes for the next seven hours (average length of labor for a woman) he would be reminding himself that he only has to do this one more time, two tops.

The woman on the other hand, gets to lie there and watch as the man cries and calls her a dumb, fucking cunt for putting him through this. She must hear him scream for someone to get this fucking sperm out of me. She can massage his back and put cold compresses on his head when he asks. Don't forget to remind him to focus on his focal point. Mine would be some chicks tits. Not my wife's. I've seen hers' too many times and besides, they're part of the reason that I'm in this pain right now. I want Meg Ryan's tits to look at (remember I'm 47, I remember her in her prime). That I could concentrate on. No pain would be too great to keep me from getting some of that snatch.

Until God comes to his senses and makes sex painful then we will all be sex addicts. Admit it, everyone who comes on this site thinks about sex a majority of their lives. I see that young woman (over 18) and think how great it would be to be the one to teach her about the finer aspects of lovemaking so she would be able to enjoy her first sexual experience to climax, instead of the usual wham, bam, thank you Ma'am mentality too many virgins have experienced. I would teach her how to not be afraid to tell her lover that he's a bad fuck and that there are two people in this relationship and he's not leaving or going to sleep until she cums, goddammit.

Oh, to feel her soft, firm tits in my hand as I suck on her nipples and feel them get hard in my mouth. To take my tongue and explore every inch of her body to find all those yet-to-be-discovered places that make her moan and squirm. The spots that start the juices to flow. The juices that I will taste when I gently take said tongue and lick the flow that oozes out of her sweet crack. These juices will also lubricate the hole that I will gently slide my now throbbing (condom wearing, it may be politically correct but it is also the only way I will fuck anymore) cock into for the first time in cockdom. A teacher of sex. I can think of worse jobs.

Yes, we are all sex addicts. Our goal to achieve the perfect orgasm, if one exists. I know how mine will feel. It will be so intense that your whole body will tingle where ever it is touched for, let's say, one hour (you can get the economy size that only lasts for five minutes for those in a hurry). I guess I'll leave you contemplating how to achieve that perfect orgasm. Maybe you're one of the lucky ones who have. If so I'd love to hear about it.

If you've made it this far into these reckless ramblings I feel I owe you a thank you and I hope you enjoyed the ride. Let me know what you think, good or bad. I must tell you I take criticism badly and if you give me a bad review I will cyberslide to your submissions and give them a ranking of 1 until your average score is below pi (damn, no contest winner this month). However, the opposite will happen for good reviews so the decision is yours.

My personal disclaimer: All people in this story are over the age of 18 except the Johnny I kicked. He was only 12 at the time but I would have been crazy to kick an 18 yr. old. I would have gotten my ass kicked. Any resemblance of the characters in this story to any person living or dead is purely coincidental. Except for Jonny, me, and the teacher, but I don't give their real names anyway so who cares. No animals were injured in the writing of this story so you PETA people can go to hell.

Finally (finally), any ideas you have that you want me to ramble about, let me know. I have opinions and stories about everything. If I don't I have a great imagination and will gladly make something up. Thank you very much.


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