The Sun on my Skin Ch. 02

"As I said at the time, I don't think you read it too wrong at that point, if I'm honest, but... my experimenting was over and done with a long time ago," I tell her, which of course it was. Tina gives a slow nod.

"Yes, I could tell." I look sharply at her but she holds my gaze innocently. "Anyway, how are things with you?"

"I need to thank you, Tina: I need to let the fun back into my relationship with Clive and not just for him, but for me too. I enjoyed the dancing and on Saturday..."

"Did it go well?"

"Oh yes! Though it was a bit... uncomfortable, knowing I wouldn't get pregnant but it was fun too." I suddenly go red, recalling my thoughts as I came.

"It's okay, Jan, no need to blush: I won't shrivel up at the idea of straight sex," she smiles.

"No, I guess not; I mean it's not like I shrivel up when I... whatever. Anyway, thank you for good advice, good fun and, well my dancing wasn't exactly good but I really enjoyed it. I'm glad we're friends."

"Me too. Now, back to work my friend," she laughs.

Wednesday 16 September

The bus is close and stuffy with the humid weather. Thunderstorms are forecast but not until late tomorrow. To be honest, it'll be a relief, even if it brings the late summer heatwave to an end: it was a restless night last night, too hot even with just a sheet as covering, while the open window let in more noise than cooler air.

However, despite being a little tired, I feel happy going into work. Though Tanwen is still learning she has already made a difference, taking some of the simple but nevertheless necessary tasks. After the revelation of her domestic griefs on our first meeting, she has been a little more reserved while she gets to know us, though I've found no reason to reconsider the liking I initially felt for her. I'm taking her through the overtime claim entry process today, though there aren't that many more so we can take it steadily. Hopefully, we can have a bit of a chat too.

I meet Tina as I pass through the lobby. "The office is going to be unbearable today," she complains

"Worse than yesterday?" I ask, disbelievingly. "I don't think that's possible!"

"Perhaps you're right. How's Tanwen getting on?"

"Really well I think. She picks things up quickly and uses her initiative; I'm going to have to be careful or she'll have my job!" We start climbing the stairs to the second floor, the spiralling six flights of stairs in place of the lift my nod in the direction of regular exercise.

"Don't worry, you'll be fine." There was something in her tone that piqued my interest.

"Oh? Why's that?" I ask, breathing heavily as the pace she sets climbing starts to tell on me.

"Come on Janice, think! It wasn't just because we lost a trainee in the department that the company moved Tanwen into the Payroll department." The burn in my thighs as we start on the fifth flight of stairs doesn't help my thought processes.

"Um... I... I don't... um..." We arrive at the second floor, breathlessly in my case. God, if I'm like this now what will I be like when, in the words of The Beatles, I'm sixty-four, like Malcolm. "That's it... it's Malcolm... isn't it? He'll be retiring... before too long."

"Well done, I knew you'd work it out," she smiles and pushes through the door into the corridor while I lean on the bannister at the end of the final flight, taking deep breaths so I don't walk into the office still gasping for air. Sweat trickles down my back and my blouse clings to my damp skin. Mmm, how attractive do I feel right now?

As expected, Tanwen has no problem picking up the overtime entry process. While I sit beside her, checking as she completes a few on her own, I ask how she's enjoying the work here. "I like it but... am I doing alright?"

"Yes, Tanwen, you're doing, fine; better than fine, in fact." Her mouth relaxes into a half-smile, evidently rather relieved.

"Good; I'm glad I'm doing something right."

I probably ought to mind my own business but, when Malcolm excuses himself to go out for a cigarette, I find myself inquiring, "Can I ask how things are with you, you know, at home? It must be hard being on your own, having children and all."

"It's a bit full-on, so it is, though with Ted being away so often before it ended gave me some practice." Her voice is soft and sad. "I wish I'd read the signs."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, things were already a bit strained when I fell pregnant with Tilly. I thought her birth would bring us together but... it was hard, suddenly having a newborn a decade after Eryn was born, hard for both of us with broken nights and childcare and everything. Tilly was so cute yet I felt so... low, I suppose you could say. Ted and I argued and, looking back now, it was then that he started taking on more of the long-distance runs, staying away more when before he'd avoided that as much as possible. I thought maybe he just needed time away, with proper sleep.

"Yes, but that just left you with all the childcare surely? Anyway, how could he not want to be completely part of caring for the new baby?"

"I don't mean to sound patronising, I really don't Janice, but you obviously haven't any kids: at times it can be pretty bloody hellish. It's hard enough coming in to work in an office when you're tired; I would think a long day of driving must be awful, scary even."

"You sound like you're making excuses for him," I tell her, a little stung by her subtle put-down over my lack of experience.

"For his desire for a good night's sleep, maybe I am. For screwing two other women? Never!" Her voice is hard and bitter. "Anyway, perhaps you're right and I should have expected more support and been more suspicious of what was happening, especially when the phone calls started."

"Phone calls?"

"Yes. He'd get a call on his mobile but leave the room to take it, so he would. I thought it a bit odd, you know, but then sometimes the kids could be a bit noisy... Then there were other things: I wanted to look for some photos on the computer at home and found he'd put a password on his login. He said that now Jake and Eryn were getting older he didn't want them accidentally deleting stuff."

"But he could have just told you and given you his password."

"Exactly, but he didn't; he just copied the photos to a folder I could access. More than anything, though, he just didn't seem interested in me anymore, no little kisses or hugs, no affection..."

"So what happened? How did you find out what he was up to?"

"It was by chance really, so it was. I normally booked the drivers' hotel rooms online but the website was down and I had to phone the hotel in Leicester directly. The receptionist recognised Ted's name and asked if I was going to be staying too, as usual, because it would be cheaper if breakfast was pre-booked. I was bloody speechless, I was:"

"So you knew he was sharing the room with another woman. What did you do?"

"I wanted to have it out with him but I was afraid he'd just say the hotel must have made a mistake so I started checking on him, going through his stuff at home, but there was nothing. Then I checked in the cab of his truck at work and there was a holdall..." There are tears in her eyes that she brushes away angrily. "I found a letter in there, written on hotel notepaper and signed 'with all my love and kisses, Jacquie' and lots of hearts and kisses. The thing was, the notepaper was from the hotel in Portsmouth, not Leicester!"

"God, how horrible for you," I commiserate, though it feels a feeble response to the hurt she must have felt. I look at her, allowing myself to gaze into her amazing green eyes. "He must be a complete idiot, giving up a life with you and your kids." She looks at me but I mean it: she is attractive, intelligent and seems kind and thoughtful so how could this man Ted do this to her?

"Thank you, it's kind of you to say that." A deep rumbling cough echoes from the corridor.

"That'll be Malcolm coming back; do you want to slip through the side door to the Ladies so he doesn't see you upset?"

"Thank you, I will."

I nod at Malcolm as he returns, the faint, unpleasant odour of cigarettes coming with him. I like Malcolm well enough but I certainly won't miss that part of him when he retires.

Five minutes later and Tanwen is back, looking composed once more. Before we set back to work I whisper to her, "I'm so sorry for what happened to you and if there's anything I can do to help then just ask. I mean it."

"Really?" she asks uncertainly and I nod. "Well, there is something; it's a bit of an imposition..."

"Tanwen, what is it? If I can help I will."

"Well, it's my eldest, Jake: he got into a fight at school yesterday and I've a meeting tomorrow evening with his Form Tutor and the Head of Year to talk about what has happened, with his Dad moving out and everything. I don't want to but it looks like I'm going to have to take Eryn and Tilly with me..."

"Because you haven't been able to get a babysitter, right? Well, I could certainly babysit, if you'd like; what time would you need me?"

"Thank you but I don't know if you can, see? The appointment is for five o'clock, so it is."

"Tanwen, I have plenty of leave owing and anyway, with all the extra hours I've done over the last months, I'm sure Tina would let me go early for once, especially if it's to help you."

"Do you think so? That would be such a help."

Thursday 17 September

I follow Tanwen along the street as she heads to her car. She walks briskly and while I'm not running to keep up, I'm certainly at my top walking speed. Am I the most out of condition person in the office? I'm beginning to suspect so as my breath becomes short and I begin to sweat in the oppressively humid air. I glance up at the sky, to the darkening overcast that presages the long-promised break in the weather. "Here we are." I look down to see Tanwen unlocking the door of a green Skoda hatchback. "In you get," she says in the unmistakable tones of a mum.

The car lacks air conditioning but after a few minutes driving with the window down it becomes tolerable. I look at the time on my phone: we left a few minutes early so it's just a couple of minutes past three. "How long is your drive to and from work?"

"About forty to forty-five minutes in the morning; it tends to be five or ten minutes shorter in the afternoons. Of course, the drop-off and pick-up from the Nursery School add ten or fifteen minutes. Anything else you want to know?"

"Oh yes," I laugh, "what Eryn and Tilly like, what they don't like, how to talk to them... basically anything and everything."

"Hmm. Okay: Tilly will be shy, she will, so you'll just have to be patient. She normally has some milk and a biscuit when we get home so I'll let you give them to her, which should help win her trust."

"I'm going to take a guess that Eryn won't be quite so easy." She chuckles.

"Eryn has the body of a twelve-year-old but at times has the cynicism of a thirty-year-old, so she does! She... she's ambivalent about Ted's leaving; she misses her Dad but at the same time she's furious with him for what he did, for choosing other women over me and wrecking the marriage. I would say just be yourself with her."

"Okay. How's, er, Jake taking the break-up?"

"Not brilliantly, to be honest: he really misses Ted. They did so much together, especially rugby; Ted always took him, see. A bit bloody annoying at times, given my Da played into his forties and took me to watch matches since I was a girl."

"You should talk to Tina: she likes rugby too, I believe. She had a friend who used to play if I recall."

"Maybe I should. I'll bet she's an England supporter, so that'll make the Six Nations fun next spring."

Little Rainbows Day Nursery is located in what appears to be an old, possibly Victorian, school building and we park in a corner of what was, presumably, the playground originally. I stay in the car to make my first encounter with Tilly less stressful for her. I watch as Tanwen emerges carrying a very cute little girl with strawberry-blonde hair. Tilly sees me as they approach and she points as she hugs her Mum a little tighter. "What lady inna car?" I hear through the open window.

"Who is that lady?" Tanwen corrects gently. "That's Janice, Tilly. She's a woman I work with. Are you going to say hello to Janice?" She shakes her head, burying her face in Tanwen's neck. Oh dear, not the start I'd hoped for.

Tanwen opens the rear door behind me to buckle Tilly into the child's seat there. I swivel round to look at the little girl. She is wearing shorts and a blue tee-shirt with a pink cartoon pig on it. "Hello, Tilly. Did you have a fun day at nursery?"

"Say hello to Janice Tilly, there's a good girl," Tanwen encourages.

"Hullo... Jani'," she says shyly.

"I like your shirt with the little pink piggy." A little frown crosses her face.

"Not a little piggy, it's Peppa Pig!"

"Silly me, my mistake; sorry Tilly." Tanwen closes the car door then walks round to get back into the driver's seat.

"Fancy Janice not knowing who Peppa Pig is, hey Tilly?" she teases.

"Hey! I'll remember that the next time you can't remember the married person's tax allowance!"

"What's tax 'lowance?" Tilly asks and I glance round at her.

"Something very boring that grown-ups have to think about and not as much fun as Peppa Pig," I tell her and she nods solemnly as if absorbing this vital piece of information before suddenly turning and pointing.

"Doggies!"

Tanwen's idea about the milk and biscuit seems to work, though Tilly remains a little shy with me, not surprisingly. She's so cute that I'd love to pick her up and cuddle her but I don't want to upset her. A few minutes later the front door slams and in walks Eryn. She is quite evidently Tanwen's daughter, with the same shape nose and mouth, though her hair is a shade lighter and her eyes are blue. "Hello, Eryn," I say, trying to be friendly.

"Hi," she says, warily. "I guess you're the colleague Mum's needlessly roped in to babysit Tilly 'n' me."

"Eryn!" There's a warning tone to Tanwen's voice, one that Eryn evidently recognises. "This is Janice and we've been through this: you may not think you need a babysitter but the law says you do and you're certainly not old enough to babysit Tilly." That earns a derisive snort.

"Huh! I'm going to my room... to do my homework," she adds pointedly with a glare at Tanwen.

"Sorry about that, Janice bach. Claire, Ted's sister used to babysit but that's obviously not going to happen anytime soon. I think Eryn had Claire right where she wanted her in terms of what she could get away with. I'm afraid she could be hard work, so she could."

"Thanks for the warning. What time will Jake be home?"

"Oh, he won't, not before the meeting: he's got rugby practice after school so I'll meet him after that. Let me make you a cup of tea before I go and I can show you where things are."

Half an hour later and Tanwen says she has to go; Tilly is not impressed. "Mummy stay, Jani' go!" she insists.

"I'll be back soon, Tilly, and Janice will take good care of you, won't you Janice?"

"Absolutely," I tell her as Tanwen stands.

Tilly comes toddling rapidly towards her, arms outstretched and calling what sounds like "Cootsh, cootsh!"

"What does she want?" I ask as Tanwen gathers her daughter into her arms.

"This," Tanwen replies, hugging Tilly tightly. "Cwtch is the Welsh for a snug, safe place so it gets used to mean a cuddle."

"It's a cute word, though from what I've seen of Welsh I dread to think how it's spelt!"

"Are you mocking the beautiful and poetic language of my ancestors?" she asks smiling. "Here, will you go to Janice?" she asks her daughter and I reach out towards Tilly.

"Can I have a, a cwtch Tilly?" She lets me take her and leans against me but as soon as Tanwen moves away she begins to struggle.

"Hang onto her please Janice, just so I can escape or I'll be late. I'll be back soon Tilly, so I will." She kisses the girl on the cheek and squeezes my arm. She heads out quickly, calling goodbye to Eryn as she goes.

The front door closes and I am left in charge. Eryn is still in her room so it's just me and Tilly struggling and crying in my arms. I lower her to the floor and she runs to the door calling "Mummy, Mummy!" I suspect that she's too young to persuade so I decide that I need something to distract her. I start looking around and see, on a shelf, a jigsaw puzzle with the pig on it.

"Tilly, love, Mummy will be back very soon with Jake. Why don't we do this Peppa Pig jigsaw puzzle?" I pick it up and give it a rattle.

"No!" So much for that idea, although... perhaps I can intrigue Tilly enough to distract her; it has to be worth a try.

"Okay, well I'll just do it on my own then." I turn and walk into the sitting room, rattling the box as I go. I sit on the sofa and pull the coffee table closer, putting the box on it and opening it. "Oh wow!" I say loudly, "So many pieces. I bet a little girl couldn't do this puzzle." It's a long shot but a moment later Tilly is in the doorway. "I bet Mummy helps you do this puzzle. Shall I help you?"

"No! I do it." She comes over and pushes my hand from the box before upending it. I don't know how often she's completed this puzzle and I know it has only nine pieces but she assembles it with impressive speed and dexterity, given her chubby little fingers. "There, I done it."

"Wow, Tilly, that was amazing; what a clever girl you are. Do you want to do it again?" She smiles at me and nods. We break up the puzzle and she does it again and this time I can see she knows from the picture where each piece goes. "Here, see if you can do this way." I break up the pieces once more and turn them all face down. "Can you do the puzzle now?"

"I can't see Peppa!" she objects.

"No, that makes it harder, doesn't it? But let's see if we can find which piece fits this one... uh oh, no peeping at the picture!" She grins and tries to fit two pieces together.

"No," she mutters.

"What about this one?" I suggest.

"Yes!" We continue in this way, with me giving little hints and prompts and Tilly joining the pieces. It takes a lot longer but she finishes it.

"Want to see Peppa now," she insists; she wants her reward for finishing. There's an atlas sitting on the lower shelf of the coffee table, a large, hard-backed edition, and I have an idea.

"Okay, Tilly, let's see if I can do this..." I put the atlas level with the edge of the table and carefully slide the puzzle on to it. With the book just above the table I flip it over and the puzzle falls face up onto the table. One corner piece comes off. "I nearly did it," I say as Tilly fixes the corner back into its place.

"Read me a story?" she asks reaching for the atlas.

"This isn't a storybook, Tilly, it's a book that shows the world, look..." I open the atlas to show her and she looks at it but it obviously doesn't hold her attention for long and she trots over to the box of toys in the corner. "I'm just going to see how Eryn is," I tell her.

There is the complexity of the stair gate to overcome and then, at the top of the stairs, the question of which of the four doors is Eryn's room. The sound of angry muttering provides the answer and I look into Eryn's room; actually, it's Eryn and Tilly's room as the small bed with, of course, a Peppa Pig cover shows. She is hunched over a small desk by the window with her back to me. I'm never going to be able to manage her as Tanwen does so perhaps I need to treat her like an adult and an equal. "Are you okay, Eryn?" My voice startles her but she quickly recovers.

"No. Miss Downham's stupid history homework," she fumes. "I have to write about the person from history that most inspires me."