The Swim Team Ch. 09

"Well," she said making a show of touching her chin and tilting her head, "each has its own unique qualities that I like, but if I had to pick one, I like playing with women, but I guess I'm still more romantically drawn to men."

"Well, there it is then." I drummed my finger on my knee not knowing how to respond to that revelation. At least it meant that someday she might find a nice boy to marry and start a family, so my parents wouldn't roll over in their graves, and I would be able to have grandchildren that had some of Carrie in them. Thinking about kids reminded me of another question. " And those toys in the suitcase in your room. Are they yours?"

"Yes. Well, not just mine. We kind of share them."

"Who's we?"

"Bethany, Karen, Linda, and me."

My eyebrow felt like it was trying to curl over the top of my head. Linda? Sweet innocent Linda? "Linda too?"

Brenda almost laughed. "She's not as innocent as she plays being, Dad. We've been playing together since we were fourteen. But she only plays with herself, or me. She likes watching, though."

"Really?"

Brenda nodded. "I guess you two have that in common."

Now it was my turn to look confused.

"Oh, Dad, I know about the security camera. I saw the video on your computer. Along with an impressive porn stash."

"Oh, you went snooping on my machine? What about my privacy?"

She looked chagrined. "Busted. Okay. I shouldn't have, but I couldn't surf porn on my machine in case you look there. I figured you would never notice if I looked at your stash. I found it there."

"So that's why you covered the camera the last sleepover."

She nodded. After several moments of silence, she drew a long breath. "So, what now? Where do we go from here?"

#

We hadn't finished our talk when I heard a commotion from the living room. I glanced at the door, then back to Brenda who shrugged. I was about to go see what was going on when my door burst open, and a fiery young woman exploded into my room.

"What the hell?" Linda looked at Brenda and blinked when she saw Brenda's state of dress. Then she looked at me in nothing but a pair of shorts and a workout shirt and blinked again. "What's going on in here? I come back to see my mom and dad sitting together on the sofa, and Coach West and Austin all talking together like they're best buds. And you're both in here half naked?" She turned toward Brenda before either of us could answer. "And why weren't you in school? I was going to ride home with you, but I had to take the bus again."

"Linda," Brenda began, but she was interrupted when Kelly came into the room. Kelly had cleaned up and dressed and gave no sign of the activities of the morning.

"Honey, Brenda and her father are in the middle of an important discussion. We need to give them some privacy. Now come on, we can talk in the living room."

"Oh, no. I'm not going to be left out this time. If something is happening, I want to know about it before it happens. No more trying to let me down easy after the fact."

"Linda Mitchell," Kelly raised her voice to Mom level. "You get yourself into that living room right now. We will discuss it there."

"Discuss what? Who's fucking who? You don't think I know what went on here? I can fucking smell it." Linda leveled a hard look at me that made me want to shrivel up and die. I don't think I ever felt so small. "I guess that's the only real question...and maybe it doesn't really matter, does it?" She whirled on her heal and marched out of my room.

Kelly looked her apology back at me before she turned and followed her.

"Brenda, we can finish this later. Go calm her down. You're probably the only one who can right now."

"Somehow, I doubt that," Brenda said under her breath. "Let me put something else on, first."

I dropped into my chair and blew out a long breath as I ran my hand through my hair. I had no idea what to do next. Nothing in my life ever prepared me for a situation like this one. In one day, my life had been turned upside down. Everything I thought I understood about life, both mine and my daughter's, was set sideways.

A shadow fell across me, and I looked up at Dennis, still wearing nothing but pants with his shirt unbuttoned, and no socks or shoes. "Hell of a day, eh bud?"

"Understatement of a lifetime," I said as he took a seat on the bed.

We sat in silence together for a moment before he sighed. "I need to know something, though."

"I don't know what I could know that would possibly help you, since I have been so clueless for the past six years. Hell, the past twenty."

Dennis sat on the corner of my mattress and wrung his hands together. "Are you in love with Kelly?"

"What?" I sat up and blinked. "No! Whatever gave you that idea?"

"Well, she told me she spent the night here last night."

"She did. I slept on the couch. Linda was here, too. In Brenda's room."

Dennis didn't look convinced. "But, the thing is, Bare, Kelly has been a cold fish for more than six years. Since right before Carrie died. And after one night in your house, suddenly she's an insatiable slut like she was in college. I don't know how you did it, but I need to know what happened."

"Dennis, I wish I could take credit for the transformation, but I can't. She came over here last night in that outfit with that haircut. I had nothing to do with it. Hell, I was as surprised as you are. I haven't seen Kelly any more than I've seen you in the past six years. And I'm not in love with you either." I tried a jovial smile which he returned.

"Then what...?"

"Ask her."

"What?"

"I said, ask Kelly. She'll tell you. I have a feeling she won't be sitting on her feelings anymore."

"Ask me what?" Kelly returned to the room.

I looked a question at her, and she shrugged. "Brenda's talking to her right now. I got the feeling they didn't want to discuss it around parents. Now, ask me what?"

"Why the change?" Dennis looked up, his eyes wide and hopeful.

"You mean why did I fuck the socks off of both of you?" Kelly grinned.

"And Diane..."

"Well, that slut had it coming," Kelly huffed. She told Dennis about her talk with the youth minister and how it opened her eyes to her misunderstanding of her beliefs. In the end, they sat together on the bed with their arms around each other. I half expected them to start fucking again, but then Kelly turned to me.

"So, what's your excuse?"

"Excuse me?"

"You fucked half of the girls that were here this morning. I heard about your performance."

"I fu...I was...Tina and Karen both seduced me, yes. That's not half."

"No. You fucked Austin too. And you were going to fuck Bethany if you hadn't stopped. Why did you stop?"

I didn't want to discuss this. I had no real answer as to why I did what I did. I'd had those girls in my house countless times over the years and never once gave serious thought to having sex with them. Oh, sure, I fantasized about it, but I'd never had done it. Would I? "I remembered Brenda."

"And the thought that she might be involved bothered you? No, don't deny it. We all saw it when you brought the festivities to a crashing halt."

"What was I supposed to do? She's my baby. Are you telling me that if Linda were here, it wouldn't bother you seeing her fucking all those kids?"

"We're not talking about me, Barry." Kelly was winding up again. She had a point she wanted to make, and she was by God going to make it. "We're talking about you. And your attitude toward sex."

"What attitude? I'm no prude."

"No, you're not. You never were. But you do have some antiquated, parochial ideas about it. You seem to think that recreational sex is fine for guys, and girls you don't know. But for Brenda, it has to mean something. There has to be a commitment before things get physical."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't I? What did you tell Brenda this weekend?"

Shit. Brenda must have told her about our fight at some point. Or Linda did. "That's different. I'm her father."

"So? She's a young woman, Barry. Or hadn't you noticed."

Oh, I noticed, all right.

"And she had needs, and desires, just like any other woman. Like me. Like Carrie did."

I raised my hand to stop her, but she barreled on.

"No, don't think that talking about Carrie is off limits. She's the reason we're in this mess. At least partially. You haven't fully healed yet, Barry. You're still holding on."

"No, you're wrong. I've moved on. I've dated."

"You've fucked, Barry. You've scratched an itch. You haven't move on one inch. You want to know how I know?" She got up off the bed and went to the door.

"Now, wait a minute..."

"You see this door?" She was standing at the door between Brenda's and my rooms. The spare room. The room that was supposed to be our second child's room.

"Kelly, don't..."

She opened the door, which screamed on its hinges as it opened.

"Kelly, stop." I tried to get up, but I couldn't move. The light filtered out into the hallway from inside the room. The color of the light was muted, like a dress left in an attic for decades. Rays of light highlighted the dust particles that drifted out of the room into the hallway.

"You want to tell me about all that?" Kelly gestured her arm at the room. I didn't need to get up to see what she was pointing at. I knew full well what was in there. I put it there six years ago. That was the last time I opened that door. "Barry, tell me. What is all this?"

"Daddy?" Brenda crept up beside Kelly, with Linda right behind her. They both stared wide-eyed at the open door.

Kelly cast a glance at the girls before she stepped into the room.

"Kelly, wait," I hopped up and followed her as far as the doorway. She was standing next to a stack of boxes covered in a thick layer of dust. Behind the stack was a pile of clothes still on hangers draped over a bed that had never been slept in. Other boxes were placed haphazardly around the room. A crib sat disassembled in one corner. The walls were decorated with posters and art from children's books. Many of them had hung in Brenda's room before she got too old for them. Carrie moved them into this room when she and Brenda redecorated. That was about a month or two before Carrie got sick. We never finished this room.

"This is what I'm talking about, Barry. Carrie is still here. Her casket might as well be resting right here in this house along with all this other stuff." She stepped up to me, her nose inches from my chest, and looked up into my eyes. "You need to let her go. You need to let all this go. It's nothing but stuff now. She wouldn't want you wallowing in her old junk. I mean look at this."

She walked back to the top box and looked in. "Oh, my!" She reached in, disturbed a puff of dust, and retrieved a dingy handbag. Carrie's purse. The purse she took to the hospital. She opened it and pulled out Carrie's wallet and check book. "Hmph," she chuckled. "There still money in here. And what's this?" She reached into another pocket and pulled out an envelope. "Oh!" She blinked and dropped the purse as she stared in shock at the envelope in her hand. "Oh, God." She looked up at me with wide eyes. "You didn't read this?"

"What? What is it?"

"Carrie wrote this for you. She wrote one for me and Brenda, too. This one's still sealed. Why didn't you read it?"

"I didn't know about it." I closed the distance in two steps and reached to take the envelope from her, but stopped short, my hand hovering like it was a hot poker about to burn me. I saw my name printed on the envelope. It was in Carrie's writing. I recognized it. I hadn't seen her writing in six years, but I recognized it. My heart thumped in my chest and my fingers trembled.

"Come on, Barry," Kelly said offering me the envelope. "Take it."

I touched the paper like it was a sacred scroll unearthed after countless centuries and one that would disintegrate with the wind. My fingers traced the letters of my name as a tear welled in my eye. I turned it over and peeled it open. Several pages of lined stationary were folded up inside, each with Carrie's scrolling writing. I opened them and, with a deep breath, I read.

#

Barry, my love.

I hope I'm wrong when I write this, but if you're reading it, then I'm not. I know the doctor said I would get over this, but somehow, I don't think so. I looked it up on the Internet and it's not good. Chances are you know this by now. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I let Brenda down.

Barry, I'm going to die. I know it. I can feel it. But I also know that if I die, I die knowing that I have loved the only man in the world I could have, and that he loved me. You are everything to me, my love. The day begins and ends with you. You have never given me any reason to doubt your love for me, nor to question my future with you. If I had known twelve years ago that I would die today, I would do everything again just to spend all the time I have left with you. You have given me the happiest moments of my life. You have given me the greatest child on the planet. You have given me purpose. My only regret is that stupid year when I questioned if I was worthy of you.

Barry, honey, I know you love me, and nothing will ever change that, but when I'm gone, don't close your heart to love. Brenda will need you and a girl needs a father who is open to love. Don't hide yourself away. Don't isolate yourself or throw yourself into your work. Meet someone. Love someone. Show our daughter how a man is supposed to love a woman, what a loving couple are to each other. Find someone and love her like you love me. Do it for Brenda. Do it for me.

Brenda is going to need you especially now in the coming years as she turns into a woman. Barry, I never told you much about how I was in high school, but I made some mistakes that I don't want Brenda to make, and since I won't be there to help her, it falls to you. I have a diary that I kept from those years. It's in my hope chest in the closet. Read it. Learn from my mistakes and keep Brenda from repeating them. Kelly knows what I mean. The two of you should be able to manage without me.

If you ever need help, know that Kelly and Dennis will always be there for you. They have been family to me for most of my life, and they love you like a brother.

I will love you forever, babe. I will be waiting for you in heaven with open arms.

Your loving wife

Carrie

#

I was on my knees on the floor, the letter crumpled in my hand as my shoulders trembled with silent sobs. Tears stung my eyes and dripped off my nose as I stared at the note. Kelly and Dennis stood on either side of me, and the girls were kneeling beside me. No one said anything as I digested what I read. Brenda rubbed her hands in small circles on my shoulders, while Linda stroked back and forth on my lower back. I leaned into my daughter's arms and she held me.

"We'll give you a minute," Kelly said as she pulled Dennis' arm.

"No," I said and sniffled. "I'm good. Uhm," I looked around the room. "Geez, I haven't been in here in a while."

"I know, Daddy," Brenda said.

"I guess we could have used this room for company. Hell, Linda could have stayed in here last week."

"It's okay, Daddy. We didn't mind. We probably would have stayed in my room together anyway."

"Yeah," Linda said.

"Still. We need to fix this. This," I waved my arm at the clothes and boxes, "all this needs to go. It's time." I stood up and shook six years of weight from my shoulders. "Right." I looked at the letter in my hand. "Right."

"Right, Dad!" Brenda stood up and grabbed a box. Kelly and Dennis looked at each other and shrugged before grabbing other boxes.

In a few hours, the room was empty. Most of Carrie's clothes had been bagged for donation. Kelly took some outfits, Brenda took others, not as many, since Brenda was bigger in almost every aspect than her mother: taller, bustier, and curvier. Much of Carrie's jewelry was divvied up between the three of them; Kelly squealed when she found some of Carrie's older things that she remembered from high school, though I kept Carrie's wedding rings. I planned on giving them to Brenda when and if she ever married.

As we carted the last box to the garbage, a thought hit me. "Carrie mentioned a diary in her letter, but I didn't see one in any of these boxes. Did anyone find one?"

The Mitchells all shrugged, but Brenda shifted around on her feet, her hands behind her back as she kept her eyes on the floor. "Uhm...well..."

"Brenda?"

"I...I...uhm...I found it. A while ago."

"A while ago? How long ago?"

"Well, like, uhm, last year."

"You've been in this room?"

"I...I..." she looked panicked, like she thought I was angry with her. "I was missing her. It was on my birthday, and she died right before my birthday and I couldn't stop thinking about her and how much I needed her and missed her and...and...and..." She started to tear up as her words tripped over themselves.

"Shhh, sweetie," I held her and rested my chin on the crown of her head. "It's okay. I'm not mad. I just never thought you came in here."

"Only once in a while. I found her diary," she choked back a sob, "and reading it was like talking to her."

I nodded silently. I was envious that she had that, but also, grateful, if it eased her pain. "Well, I'm glad you got to have that time with your mom."

"She, uh, wrote me a letter, too."

"She did?"

"Yeah, it was in the same box as her diary. She told me to take care of you. That you would need me more than ever. And she was right."

"She always was."

"She also told me not to tell you she said that."

I chuckled. "That sounds like Carrie."

After several moments of holding my daughter, I remembered there were others in the room. "Sorry, guys."

"Hey," Dennis said, "don't worry about it. You guys needed that. Listen, we've pretty much finished with this stuff," he gestured to the now mostly empty room, "so I think we'll all make ourselves scarce and give you guys some quality time." He moved his arms to herd Kelly and Linda toward the door.

Before I could object, Brenda beat me to it.

"Don't you dare. This is a day of celebration. You two are back together, I was top ranked at the swim meet, and last but not least, it's my birthday, so I get to say what we do. And I say Pizza!"

There she goes again, giving orders. Brenda raised her eyebrow at me challenging me to refuse her. I couldn't. Dennis and Kelly nodded as well. I caught Linda's eye as she smiled at me.

"That sounds good to me," I said. Linda clapped her hands and bounced on her toes. She looked so happy. So full of life. Her energy was contagious. Making her happy felt good. Part of me wanted to spend a lifetime making her happy. She bounced into me under my left arm as Brenda held me under my right. This was the beginning of a new day and who could say what tomorrow would bring?