tagHumor & SatireThe Three Billy Goats Gruff Enough

The Three Billy Goats Gruff Enough


Lookee here now; I've got a little story for ya.

It seems there was this troll, and he had himself a bangin' setup. He was a straight-pimpin' Mack Daddy with sharp clothes, gold chains, and a fine patch of riverside property. And you know how he got all of that? By having the finest ass you ever heard about! (Not HIS, stupid!) You see, player knew how to find real talent, and he had papers on this sexy beast that would do just about anything for anyone for a price. If anyone wanted to come across that ass, they better damn sure be ready to cough up some serious loot for the privilege. And if they didn't, you can be sure that they got their ass twisted! Some fellows tried to lure that sweet ass away, and when he found out about it, those poor punks got something that was nowhere CLOSE to sweet!

It became quite a problem. Everyone knew that he had the finest ass in the land. Unfortunately, this was the troll's property. NO one was allowed to get close, and he had her locked up real tight so he wouldn't have to counter certain offers. To make matters worse, beyond his territory were some of the finer night spots, so even if you didn't want to come across that ass, you still had to give that bad-ass troll something! Because of this, that troll was able to control a whole lot of the riverside action for a good long time.

And then, one fine spring, the Gruffs moved downtown.

It just so happened that on the other side of the river, a family of three Billy goats had moved into a cozy spot on the East Side. The place was a bit ramshackle, but there was plenty of room for an outdoor garden, which worked out fine since gardening, was their specialty (Everyone knows how goats LOVE the smell of fresh grass in the morning!). So by selling their goods, they managed to do quite well for themselves. Then, one day, they noticed that their latest crop was looking a little peaked.

"Brothers," bleated the Biggest Goat-brother, "The greens aren't looking as fresh as usual."

"Here, let me take a look," said the second Biggest Goat-brother. "Whoa! You're right. They don't look good, and they smell even worse! What are we going to sell now?"

"Don't sweat, brothers," piped up the Littlest Goat-brother. "Listen; I heard about some land on the other side of the river that doesn't belong to anyone. The soil's rich, and the grass is REAL green over there! Or so I've heard. Even so, a little of that from over there just might help our crops over here!"

"That's a great idea!" boomed the Biggest Goat-brother. "Let's go right now so we can take care of this, and then, get back to business!"

And so, the three Billy Goat brothers set out across the river. Finding the land was no trouble at all, and they soon found more than enough dirt and grass to help their "business". But they soon realized that they couldn't take the load home all at once. (Not to mention the Biggest Goat-brother was taking a few puffs for the road) So the Littlest Goat-brother decided to head out first, and the two older brothers would catch up to him later.

As he came to the spot where the troll kept his ass, he became anxious to get home and began to move at a trot, his little hooves making little "trip trip trip" noises as he went. Just as he was about to go past, suddenly, the troll emerged, pissed and annoyed.

"YO! Who the hell's that, tripping on my ass?!" he roared.

"It is I, the Littlest Billy goat Gruff. I'm just trying to make my way home."

"Boy, don't you know that this is MY territory? Now I've got to come over there and mess you up!"

"Please sir! Please! There's not much to me, or that which I carry, and I want nothing to do with your ass, sir!" It was true; even with his best efforts at heart, the Littlest Billy-goat brother's sacks only came to the Troll's knees.

"Doesn't matter. You come this way, you've got to pay!"

"Please, sir!" the goat begged again. "My brother's right behind me, and he should be coming your way soon. If you let me go, he'll meet your price and give you just what you deserve."

"Is that right? Well, look here, shorty, this here's your lucky day; I'll just take some of this right here and you and I are gonna be here waiting for him. But if your boy don't come through, I'm gonna come down on the both of you! " So saying, the troll scooped a handful of the goat's fresh grass and rolled himself a spliff. Amazingly, the Littlest Goat-brother didn't seem too worried. Pretty soon, the older brother began to make his way towards the troll's territory.

"Ooooh, I knew I shouldn't have had that extra bite of lunch!" moaned the Bigger Goat-brother. With his belly full, and two loads of dirt and grass on his back, his steps were heavier than that of his younger brother. As he approached the troll's fine ass, he saw his brother and in spite of his belly pangs, sped up to meet him. The Littlest Goat-brother tried to warn him off, but his hooves made a "tap tap" tapping sound that immediately alerted the troll. With his buzz interrupted, he stepped to him, this time, pissed and growling.

"YO! Who the hell's that, tapping on my ass?!"

Now, the second Billy Goat-brother was a little bigger and braver than the first, and his response proved that. "Look here, partna; I don't want no trouble. I'm the Bigger Billy goat Gruff, and I'm just trying to get home!"

"Yeah, that's just what your boy was telling me, but I'm having none of that! Since you've come this way, now you've got to pay, AND you've got to cover your boy's tab, too!"

"For what?!"

"For coming across my property, fool!"

"Now hold on! I wasn't even looking at your ass! But if I was, I'd have to tell you it's not a good idea having her on lockdown and all exposed like that. It's not healthy!"

"You know, I never knew anyone who was so concerned about someone else's ass before. But I DO know that since taking a look at my shit costs extra, you just added on to your tab! Now are you going to give up my money, or do I gotta come over there and mess you up?!"

Obviously, compassion for his own property was not one of the Troll's better qualities. Noting this, the Bigger Goat-brother shrewdly decided to appeal to the Troll's sense of greed. "Look here, man; what I've got on my back couldn't come close to meeting your price. But now, my OLDEST brother's right behind me, and he's carrying MAD loot! Got BIG ol' bags of green and treasure to keep you in some SERIOUS bling-bling, you hear what I'm saying? Just let me go, he'll meet your price and give you just what you deserve."

"Lots of green, you say?" asked the Troll, rubbing his hands together greedily. "You know, you damn goats are really taking advantage of my good nature!" So saying, the troll scooped two handfuls of grass from the bigger brother's sack (which came up to the Troll's waist, in case you were wondering). "I'll take this for while I'm waiting! Now you get with your boy over there, and your big ass brother better have my money, or I'll take it out of ALL your asses!"

Now, the Biggest Goat-brother was just getting starting on his trip…that is, his trip home. Since his brothers couldn't cover as much ground as he could, he'd carried them over to the field, which meant they got to eat first. But because his appetite was MUCH bigger than the others, he said he'd carry the biggest load if he could get in a nap after lunch. That way, they could have a head start in getting their loads home.

By this time, Brother Troll was feeling quite mellow, thanks to all that fresh green he was tokin'. But he was also getting a case of the munchies. (He'd tried to get a quickie, but his fine ass just kept walking away from him.) So he began to scrounge around for a bite to eat, muttering to himself about getting some ass no matter what. And that's when he heard the sound.

Before reaching the Troll's part of town, the Biggest Goat-brother had stopped to clean his hooves using a small puddle. It worked, but now his hooves made a wet slapping sound as he walked. "Smack! Smack! Smack!" they went, over and over again. Any other time, it's doubtful anyone would have paid attention. But Brother-man Troll couldn't find any food, couldn't get laid, and certainly wasn't getting paid! So when he heard the Goat-brother's approach, he'd had enough! Not even bothering to face his prey, the underpaid, underlaid and just plain pissed Troll roared at the Biggest Goat-brother.

"YO! Who the hell's that, smacking on my ass?!"

This time, a thunderous voice gave the answer: "It is I, the BIGgest Billy goat Gruff. Who the hell is THAT?!" With his size, fear was not an option for this Billy Goat Gruff! But Brother Troll had yet to know this.

"Look here, slick; I own that property you're smacking on! And your brothers said you had treasure that would pay for them and you! So let's have it, NOW!"

"I know they didn't say all that! Tell me what they really said first, and then I'll show you what I have for you."

"Quit playing with me boy! They said some crap about me getting what I deserve. And I deserve to get paid for not messing your boys up!"

"'Get what you deserve'…Yes, that sounds about right. Well, come on; just grab the sack closest to you, and you'll see our treasure."

The Troll reached up, grabbed at the sack, and when it dropped to the ground with a thud, he was shocked to see the sack came up to his chin! With a look of lusty greed, the Troll untied the sack and found it was loaded full to the brim…with dirt.

"Hey! What the hell's THIS?! I'm looking for the ducats, man! The Benjamins! The bling-bling! Where's the damn treasure?"

"What you have in front of you can bear more fruit and riches in one's lifetime than your poor mind can even imagine! To us, this is all the treasure we need."

"Well it sure ain't gonna get me PAID, now is it?" roared the Troll. "That DOES it! I'm coming up there to mess you up!"

"WELL COME ON, THEN!" roared back the Biggest Goat-brother.

"These sharpened horns and bangin' six pack Are all that I need to set your punk ass back! So for sweating my brothers about their sacks of grass, I'm about to go Medieval on your ass!"

That was all the Troll needed to hear, and he started toward the Brothers, getting ready to bring the pain! "Muthafu...who the hell you think you're talking to?! I'll come over there and mess you…you…"

It took about two seconds for the Troll to realize that the Biggest Goat-brother was about 10 feet taller than he was.

"Oh, damn!"

And as soon as he said THAT, Goat kicked butt, and Troll went splat!


That Biggest Goat-brother whupped that Troll so hard and so long, he jumped into the river to escape. The younger Goat-brothers began to bleat and cheer for their brother until he turned and glared at them. Taking the hint, the Bigger Goat brother looked at the youngest brother, who tried to smile it off, then lowered his head meekly.

"Little man," said the Biggest Goat brother, "Next time, I'll pick the short cuts!"

"I know that's right!" said the Bigger Goat brother. "Let's go home."

"Wait!" bleated the Littlest Goat brother. "What about her?"

The Goat-brothers turned toward the Troll's ass who'd seen everything, and at the sight of the Troll running for his life, began to holler like crazy.

"Shoot!" said the Biggest Goat-brother, "I'm way too big for that!"

"And I'm too small!"

"And I'm just not interested!"

"Hey!" shouted the Ass. "Don't I get a say in this? Get me out of here!"

The Biggest Goat-brother chuckled to himself. "Just kidding, darling." And with one strong hoof, he stepped on the chains, snapped them to pieces, and the Ass was finally free.

"Whew! Thanks, Hon! Man, I tell you; if I had to deal with another human puttin' themselves up inside me, I was gonna go buckin' crazy! Big ass bully. Good riddance!"

"You know, you're more than welcome to join me and my brothers if you need a place to stay."

"That's all right baby. I've been cooped up for too long around here! I'm gonna stretch my legs and do some traveling. Come to think of it, I heard about this new club opening up in Bremen Town, and they need some vocalists. Maybe I'll try a singing career this time, something a little more respectable, if you know what I mean!"

And so, the fine Ass went to pursue her music career, and the Billy Goat brothers went home to get back to their fresh greens and backyard business. All of this left the troll in the worst possible position. After getting out of the river, he realized that his ass was gone. And as we all know, when you lose your ass, it's hard as hell to hold onto ANY kind of riverside property! The troll had no choice but to start over in another part of the land, away from his old stomping grounds, away from the river, and definitely, far FAR away from the three Billy Goats Gruff enough!

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