The Three Loves

"From the Odyssey?"

She giggled again, "What? Oh the lotus eaters. No..." She took a deep breath.

"And why do you have it... you know, down there?" I gulped.

"Well, it's a pretty private thing. I only want people I really trust and care about to see it. It's a symbol of rebirth, it grows out of shit. You really don't know?" I shook my head. "It's for abuse. It means I've moved on and healed from the shit my parents put me through." She sighed, "Though I haven't quite. It's something to work towards."

"Same," I said, "It took me a long time to figure out that I wasn't the problem."

"You should get one too. I know your mom and dad are as bad as mine." She grinned. "Ok, last one." She turned over and showed me the fish tattoo on her back. But it wasn't a fish.

"An orca," it was done in the style of northwest Native Americans. Big eyes, big teeth, textured with red and black stripes.

"That's right," there was a smile in her voice, "Remember when-"

"Yeah. I promised I would take you to see one. When we were grown up and still best friends."

There was a pause, then she responded, her voice strained with tears, "James. Hold me again, please. Like you did before."

She rolled over again, and I put my arms around her. She fit into me, just like a small spoon into a big one. Her back and butt pressed into me. My cock was really hard by now, and I was hoping she wouldn't notice. It fit neatly into the crack of her ass. I situated my hands in front of her, and accidentally touched her boobs. "Sorry," I moved them down to her belly.

"It's really ok James. They're just boobs, there's nothing special about them."

"Nothing special? You know I've never..." I couldn't finish. I felt my face getting hot.

We lay there for a few heartbeats. "You can if you want, though."

"What?"

She sighed, "Touch them. They're nothing special."

I felt my stomach flutter, "No I don't want to... I mean they're nice and I want to, but..." I sputtered.

"Jesus, James," she grabbed my hands, and placed one on each breast. "You really need to loosen up. It's just my body." My blood caught on fire as the firm curves of her breasts fit into my hands. I could feel the bump of her small nipple in my palms. "See? Just tits. And mine aren't that great anyway."

I stammered, "Charlotte, they're amazing. They feel so good in my hands." And they did. I guessed they would feel like ripe fruit or something, but I had never felt anything like them. On their own, my hands started to squeeze and rub them. They were at the perfect middle between soft and firm. She made a little sigh. My heart started to pound.

"Whatever. When you get a girlfriend you'll see. Mine are too little."

"They're perfect, Charlotte." They felt so nice in my hands, so warm and sweet. I was hyper-aware of her body next to mine. I could feel her nipples hardening a little. "But that's not going to happen."

"God damn, James. You keep saying that. You're just twenty-one. You're not going to be a virgin forever." She sighed and trembled a little, "Shit, my nipples are sensitive. Look, you're a good guy and any girl would be lucky to have you."

I squeezed the soft flesh in my hands. "You don't have to say that... I know-"

Her voice took on a more stern tone. "I'm not saying it to be nice. When have I ever lied to you? Your problem is confidence. You've been afraid to touch me ever since I've been here, even though I'm your cousin. If I notice then other people notice. Girls. What are you afraid of?"

My hands stopped, filled with her warm, soft flesh. "Afraid? I'm not-"

"Now you're lying to me and I don't appreciate it. And you're lying to yourself. You're afraid to touch people."

I opened my mouth to respond, but nothing came out.

"James, why?"

My mind scrambled. "You might be... I don't know, grossed out if I touch you. People don't like to touch me. My body makes them uncomfortable."

"James," she rubbed her hands over the back of mine then took hold of them, holding them to her chest. I could feel her heartbeat. "It's not like that. When I came to your door, the first thing I did was touch you. There are so many gross and immature guys out there. You're nice, you keep clean, you don't act creepy. No one has a problem touching you. Any girl would be lucky to have you. I mean I would..." she stopped abruptly. "I would say you're a catch."

I couldn't say anything. I really wanted to believe her. The truth was I had given up on ever finding anyone. Being here with Charlotte was the closest I had ever been to a girl. And, in that moment, I wanted her so bad. My body ached for her and I started rubbing her tits again.

"Just believe in yourself. I believe in you." There was a little tremble in her breath and she squirmed against me a little. Her hands tightened on mine and lowered them down to her belly. She cleared her throat, "Ok, that's enough. It's getting late."

We lay there for a few minutes. I had never felt this alive. Charlotte accepted me despite everything, despite all my flaws and insecurities. She was so warm against me, and I remembered again those hard nights when all we had was each other. And we made it because of each other. "I want to be that again." I whispered.

For a moment she didn't answer. "Be what?"

"Best friends, like you said. We could go and see orcas. You being here with me just feels so..." I struggled to find the words.

"Comforting? Natural? Right? I know. And I want to be best friends too. No one has ever made me feel like you do." I squeezed her tighter. She squirmed a bit, moving her butt, and my hard cock poked right into her butt cheek. She let out a little yelp and backed away.

"Oh shit, Charlotte! I'm sorry! I can't help it. It's just being this close... and I've never been like this with a girl-"

"Shh, James!" She held up a hand. "I know about guys. I know you get hard. You just surprised me." She shook her head. "I guess that's not the big picture issue. James, I accept you. For you. I love you, and I'll never stop loving you. We've always had something special."

I stared at her, my face burning, "You accept me?" I wasn't exactly sure what she meant.

"Yes. No matter what you do or say, or this," she gestured to the tent in my boxers, "Nothing will change that. Because I know who you are. You were kind then and you're kind now. We both just have a little more baggage. Not everyone would just let me in and treat me kindly as you have. The world is a mean place. I thought I knew that before, but I really learned it this past week. Seeing kindness," she shook her head, "it's a really special thing. Everyone who wants to help you wants something in return. But not you. Just remember who I am. Who we are. We may have grown, but nothing has changed about what we mean to each other. No one has been as kind and important to me as you. Not Mom or Dad, not Shannon, nobody. I just love you. Finding you was the best thing that's happened to me in a long time."

A lump was forming in my throat. It was a bizarre thing feeling this aroused and this loved at the same time. What she said about kindness, did relationships really work that way? I always thought it was like she said. Relationships were transactional. I could never figure out what I wanted from people I liked and it confused me. "Charlotte... I love you too." I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around her.

She let out a contented sigh, and I felt her hands rubbing my back. We pressed into each other and she jumped and let out another squeal. "You got me again." I backed away. I was still embarrassed after what she said, but I wasn't as scared as I was. She had this look on her face. She was grinning, but there was something else. "Do you need to take care of it?"

"Umm... I don't know." I got up. I felt mortified.

"Where are you going?" She sat up.

"Bathroom. I can't do it in front of you."

All she did was glare at me, as if I should know better. I knew what she was going to say. No big deal. I've been with guys before. So I sat back down. Still, I didn't know if I could do it in front of her. I felt trapped. What was I supposed to do?

She sighed, and her face turned sympathetic. I could see she had something to say, but she was holding back. "Are you ok?" is what came out.

I shook my head and searched for the words. "Charlotte. I don't know what to do. You may not mind, but it would embarrass me to... take care of it in front of you. I want you to understand. I'm not like you about sex. It's embarrassing." I felt my stomach quiver expressing myself with such candor.

She seemed to think on that for a moment, then she reached out and touched my arm. "I'm sorry for pressuring you, James. But you're very uptight. I can see, you're like a pocket watch that has been wound as tight as it can go. I know nothing I say will magically fix that. But I really want you to think about it. It's me. I'll never judge you."

"Thanks, Charlotte," I said and started to get up again.

She closed her grasp on my arm. "Also... I mean you don't have to go into the bathroom."

"What? I told you I can't-"

She gulped. "Sorry, that's not what I meant." Her eyes were open and kind. "I mean, if you want, I can take care of it for you."

I gaped, trying to comprehend what she was saying to me. She couldn't possibly mean...

"Just lie back down and relax. It will be good for you, your first step toward lightning up." She smirked, "I mean it's not like we're fucking or anything." This did nothing to calm me down. I felt like a whistling tea kettle now. I had never wanted a woman the way I wanted her now. Never in my life. Being horny seeing a hot girl in my class or looking at porn was nothing like this. A real flesh and blood girl, and one that I was crazy for, was right here. Very slowly I laid down.

She had a hungry smile on her face. If I didn't know better I would think that she really wanted this for her instead of just offering it to make me feel better. She moved over in the bed, sitting right next to me. Her body pressed against mine, like when we were watching the movie. "Take them off, James." I pushed my hips up and my trembling hands pulled off my boxers. My cock bobbed when it came out, like the arm of a catapult. It was so warm that I could feel the cold night air on it.

I could have sworn her eyes widened just a bit. "I probably shouldn't say this, but you have a nice dick."

I couldn't even summon words and I sputtered incoherently.

She giggled, "I mean it's straight and has a consistent color to it. It's a good size. It's clean. You have no idea how many guys are gross down there. You're not huge, but you're a good size. Being too big can be a bad thing. But just know that girls often like it if you trim a little down there. Don't shave like porn stars do, eww. But a little bit of care goes a long way."

This was so beyond me at this point, I resolved to just sit back and enjoy this. There was nothing I could do or say. I would let my lust and passion carry me.

"James, I love you," she kissed me on the cheek. "I promise this will be nice." With that, she spit in the palm of her hand and moved it down to my anxious cock. First she touched the engorged head of it. I was extraordinarily sensitive, and I let out a trembling gasp when her hand met it. It was so intense I felt little shocks all over my body. She ran her finger up and down the shaft and I shivered with delight. I felt like I was going to explode.

"Ok, this might be quick. Still," she squeezed the spongy top and rubbed around the base. "You can't blame me for wanting to play with a nice cock a little bit." My mind was racing. This was my cousin! It felt so wrong and so right at the same time. My brain was full of thoughts and words and feelings, but they all just collided together like cars in a pile-up on the freeway. At least my expression of profound shock had morphed into something resembling a smile.

Then Charlotte closed her hand around my head and pushed down. My body exploded with pleasure. I arched my back. The pleasure was so tremendous it was almost painful. How did it feel this much better than when I just jacked off? I trembled and gaped and all I could see was the big grin on Charlotte's face. Slowly, she gripped my cock and slid up and down the shaft. "See, James? It's nice. I'm glad you're enjoying this so much." She continued pumping my throbbing cock, this time twisting her hand around it with each stroke.

By their own volition, my hips began to gyrate with her hand and thrusting my cock back and forth in time with her. A wild feeling came over me, and felt my self control loosening. This wasn't like when I was sniffing her dirty laundry. It was as if someone else was inside me and I was just along for the ride. Charlotte whispered into my ear. "You're getting close, aren't you?" I nodded dumbly. "Good boy, I can tell. You're my best friend James. I love you so much. I want you to cum. Best friends make each other feel good."

The thing inside me groaned, and I was very close. A thought flitted through my mind that Charlotte was going to have my cum all over her hands and I wanted to apologize in advance. It would be such a mess. But my mouth wouldn't cooperate. "Yes, good boy." she whispered, "Come on, James. Get it all out." She kissed my cheek again.

I could feel it rising in me second by second. God, it had never felt like this before. She stroked me slowly, then quickly. Soon I felt that familiar wave running through me, but so much more powerful this time. My body was seized by an earthquake. "God damn, Charlotte, here it cooommmmmeesss!" I felt like my heart was in my cock as it gave a mighty buck. White cum shot out of my dick in string after string. It arced into the air and shot in all directions. It got on Charlotte's hand, her arm, and all over my belly and chest.

"My God, James. That was a lot. Good boy." She giggled again. "Not so bad, right?"

I looked at her and felt dazed. I repeated, "Not so bad." I took a few breaths, "So you're ok with all this?"

The look on her face answered the question for me. "Let's go into the bathroom and get cleaned up." She saw my appalled expression. "Jesus, James. I've had cum on me plenty of times. You just wipe it off, like when you blow your nose. Some girls even like to lick it off." Then she held a little white dollop of it up to her mouth. I stared, agog. Then she did just that, never breaking eye contact with me. I thought that was something that only happened in porn. Didn't women hate having cum on them? She guffawed at my shocked look. I was so out of my depth, but I managed a few one-word responses to her.

I slept like a dead man next to her that night.

—

The next morning, like every morning, started with my screeching alarm waking me up. But when I awoke I was tangled in Charlotte. My arms were wrapped around her, our legs were intertwined. My cock was hard and resting in the small of her back, right on the orca that I promised her. There was a sharp intake of breath from her. I sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed my face.

I turned around, and there she was, her smiling, adoring face. And there, in that moment, I knew. She was the one for me. We belonged together. We were both misfits in our cruel families, and, as always, we were made for each other. "Good morning," she said in a husky whisper. Her eyes melted my heart. She reached up and rubbed my back.

"Hey," I said. The world felt new to me. New and somehow old. An old friend and a new love. But we had always loved each other. Still, this was a new kind of love. Was it possible? Had I finally found someone?

"You don't really have to go, do you?" Her eyes were full of me. I just smiled and started getting dressed.

I got out my extra key and laid it on the table next to her. As I turned to leave, I felt her hand on mine and I turned to face her. Simultaneously she pulled me down and rose up. She brought me closer and her face was my whole world. She planted the softest of soft kisses on my lips. "I love you. I love you." Her voice was barely audible.

It was a foggy December morning and the sun was nothing but a weak orb in the sky. It wasn't a long walk to school, but every minute I thought about her. My heart beat with each step. She was back there, waiting for me. And I almost turned back. I replayed last night through my mind again and again. Her hand, like magic on my cock, the way she had made me explode like nothing I had ever felt. My orgasm had been a volcano next to the firecrackers I had had before. My heart thumped and my dick started to get hard again. My body felt electric.

Was this more than just touch and pleasure? I had held her like I had when all we had were each other at Grandma's house. Many nights we had laid together and licked each other's wounds, and today those scars ached. And now she needed me. No, we needed each other. My pain and desperation was slower and more subtle, but it was no less crushing. The pain was called alone. With her, it was the final rejection of her parents and the cold nights on the streets. She had never felt such fear, I could see that now. When I saw her at the door, I thought she was the toughest, most wild woman I had ever met. But her heart was tender and bleeding when she stood there.

With me, it was the slow despair of my life. It was only homework and my bleak little apartment. Coming home alone. Waking up alone. Alone, even surrounded by people in class. My parents would call once a week to make sure I was still working, still studying, still dying. My friends had all moved across the country, and I faced the impossible task of trying to make friends. It was all unreturned calls, derisive whispers behind closed doors, and cold. People thought I had my life together, but I was hollow inside. How could someone be this dead at twenty one?

When I got to math that morning, I couldn't focus. Charlotte was there every time I tried to listen to my rambling professor, or caught the subtle curve of a classmate's body. What had last night meant? She had said it was no big deal. It wasn't actually sex. But it was everything to me. I no longer had the child's love of a best friend, but a love all wet heat, gasping breath and earthy aroma. But that wasn't strictly true. I had both. I wanted to take things to the next level, but how could I? She was there asking for help, and her actions were out of gratitude and kindness instead of actual desire. Quid pro quo.

And of course there was one thing that loomed over us like the kaiju in one of my VHSs. We were family. We couldn't be together. What would my parents think? What would anyone think? This was beyond perversion. Even the word left a sour taste in my mouth. Incest. It was something between a depraved father and his cowering daughter, or ignorant and rough people, with no other and no sense.

And not just that, but it added a layer of complexity to everything. The three types of love we had all ran together and it was impossible to disentangle one from the other. When she said she loved me, was it as a dear friend, a blood relative, or was it the kind of love that I hoped for, but dared not speak of it to her? The touches, the sighs, were they relief and elation at her long lost friend, or the product of a beating, passionate heart?

Nothing made sense anymore. Maybe that was why school was the only thing I was good at. I walked through physics like a zombie, Charlotte dominating my mind. I felt elated, then confused, then angry, then gloomy. Just like before, everything crashed and tangled in my mind.

I finally found myself in my physics lab, my last class of the day. Through all this thinking I had made no further progress in understanding what we were to each other or what Charlotte's heart held for me, or even what mine held. But there was one thing I was sure of. She had to stay. If nothing else, to work out our tangled, muddled, complicated emotions.