The Unraveling

A story dedicated to a very special lady who defined my identity in so many subtle and powerful ways. My first attempt at writing, constructive criticism welcome. Thank you for reading.

"It takes a rare persistence, to discover what lies hidden behind the psychological masks. We don them with pride, accepting their necessity for the sake of the common good, the entrance ticket to the masquerade ball that is civilised society. But does peace endure, if the ticket price is the true self, relinquished in favour of the least objectionable common denominator? How long until it is forgotten, faded away among the cacophony of the mundane? If truth is beauty, surely the veneers are worth less than the substance beneath. Perhaps it takes more trust, among the falsehoods of the current age, to surrender all forms of subterfuge for another, to have faith that they will not only accept what lies beneath but will come to love you for it. To have such freedom...that is the dream...that is the goal."

Suveer cast a slightly pensive gaze around the lecture room. This was not a venue he was familiar with, nor was he expected to be. As an Architecture student, he usually walked different paths on the other side of campus, having no official business being amongst the shimmering glass and steel of the newly upgraded Medical Faculty. But he was here by special invitation, offered a rare glimpse into the lives of post-graduate students a few years beyond his tender age of 19. The room was a lot smaller than his undergraduate lecture halls, where it was not uncommon to have a hundred or more fellow students. Here, a rough count of 20 would suffice, most of which he noted seemed to be female for reasons which were not yet obvious to him.

His scanning gaze was interrupted by the sound of the arrival of his host. Dr Suzanne Taylor entered the room, the sound of her clicking heels seemed to both drown out the sounds of the idle conversation going on in the room and command their silence. She had a way of captivating his gaze, and for good reason. Her long, blonde hair fanned over the shoulders of her light grey formal jacket, like a lioness mane of spun gold that seemed to create its own light with every ripple. Her glasses added an air of academia, enhancing the intelligence and keen perception exuded by her light green eyes. But most of all, as would be expected with most young men, his eyes could not help but drift down to the fullness of her chest, a hint of alluring milky fair-skinned cleavage showing at the lightly dipping neckline of her white blouse. To him, her looks represented the quintessential fantasy doctor or professor, the one all boys secretly wished could be a big part of many aspects of their "education".

Dr Taylor moved gracefully to the front of the room, her manicured, elegant fingers clasping together neatly towards the front of her pencil skirt as she leaned back lightly against the desk at the front of the class. Her polished, English accent filled the air, each syllable seeming to be on a personal mission to dispel the stereotype that busty blondes have heads filled with Barbie doll sawdust.

"Good morning all. I trust the blog links I forwarded on last week's discussion topic have proved useful?"

Few in her field of Psychiatry could boast doctorates at such a young age and the intelligence in her voice was clear and captivating. A few light murmurs and nods followed her question which seemed to satisfy her. Her gaze softened a little as she looked around the class at attendance for the morning, narrowing with a slight twinkling affection as it fixed upon Suveer. He resisted the urge to wave, for fear of appearing too eager and foolish, offering a shy smile instead.

She gazed around for a few moments longer, as if building suspense for the announcement of today's lecture topic. Her shoulders straightened slightly as her voice filled the small room with clarity and the authority of being an expert.

"We are returning to Freudian theory today, some of the more unusual precursors to the modern body of psychiatry knowledge. All you Jung fans need not fret, we will get back to his tenets early next week. Today we will be exploring the theory of Penis Envy".

Suveer instantly flushed at hearing the word "penis" issue from her lightly painted, prim and proper lips. He knew he had to accept that body parts were spoken of more commonly in the Medical Faculty. But ever since he was young, hearing someone say that word, particularly a female, suddenly made him feel like his clothes had become invisible and all thoughts had instantly directed to discovering his most closely guarded secrets. It felt even more personal, given that he was one of the few owners of a penis in class that morning.

He did his best to appear casual and attentive during the lecture, even though he regularly found his gaze distracted by a shift in Dr Taylor's body as she paced back and forth in the front of the class. Despite being quite a bright student, many of the terms and themes of the lecture also went over his head, quite a departure from the technical drawing and mathematics with which he was more familiar. He tried to do quick searches on his phone ever so often to follow the gist of the narrative, which also made him acutely aware of the time, displayed each time he unlocked his screen. Time was of more importance for him than usual, a little anxiety growing in the pit of his stomach the closer the digits moved towards the scheduled end of the lecture. He had agreed to do a special favour for Dr Taylor and time was drawing near for him to be true to his word.

The last few minutes of the lecture were a bit of a haze, with him almost constantly checking his phone to watch time tick by, as if wading through molasses. His concentration was broken by a change in Dr Taylor's tone.

"Right then, to sum up. While largely considered to be an outmoded theory, Penis Envy does offer some interesting insights into gender dynamics. An essential part of psychiatry is to develop a kind of analytical empathy, which often requires a deeper understanding of the opposite sex. While most fundamental drivers of human desire and triggers to the human psyche are universal, there are a few nuances unique to each gender. As part of your assignments this week, I encourage you all to imagine a day in the life of someone of the opposite sex, think and write a short essay on aspects you believe would be generally different. Ok then, off you go and thank you for the attention."

She reached for a remote on her desk to switch off the projector, as most of the students shuffled off to continue their day. Suveer stayed in place though, giving friendly nods to all those who looked his way. Four young ladies stayed behind as well, gazing back at him, watching as he rose from his seat and made his way over to greet Dr Taylor. Each step felt a bit surreal as he wondered how she managed to talk him into this, her words like a siren song whenever she spoke to him directly.

She greeted him with a bright and genuine smile, giving him a gentle friendly hug and making a little small talk. She did not want to keep the little audience waiting though. She looked over to one of the young woman.

"Sarah, be a dear and lock the door for us. We want to keep this session rather private." Ending with a quick conspiratorial wink.

Sarah, a petite brunette with blue eyes, quickly scampered towards the door with a girly giggle, turning the key to lock the door and stowing it away safely in the pocket of her skinny jeans. The metallic clunk of the lock sent a little quiver through Suveer, a single note of finality that there was no going back now. He watched, standing still like a deer in headlights, as the young women shifted some of the desks at the front of the class aside, replacing them with chairs set into a little semicircle and one chair in front, facing the semicircle with the projection screen and front desk behind it.

The young women all took their places in the semicircle seats, like a panel of judges waiting to score some secret reality show. Dr Taylor moved towards her customary view, perching upon the edge of the desk at the front. Before doing so, she stopped to hold Suveer's hand, giving it a reassuring fleeting little squeeze before guiding him towards the single seat facing the semicircle of curious female faces.

"Ok my dears, I've had discussions with you all one-on-one so we all know why we are here. I have arranged this special session for a select group of you who are some of my most promising students, to help with this topic's assignment.' Dr Taylor's voice was a little softer than when she was lecturing but still taking on an air of gravitas.

She continued, "I would like to introduce you to Suveer. You've likely not met him before and that is part of the design here. I feel it would be easier for you all to open and ask questions of someone who you would not see on a daily basis. I have asked him to assist with this special workshop because he is quite a bright young man and has a unique way of expressing himself. That being said, this is quite a big favour to ask and I want you all to be kind with your questions. You are allowed to be curious and honest, but no questions that are demeaning in any way. Is this understood?"

Five pretty female heads nodded in unison. In addition to their intellectual prowess, Dr Taylor was also aware that this particular group of females were from more conservative backgrounds and likely did not experience the same levels of interactions and intimacy that more well-adjusted young women commonly found with the opposite sex during college years. They would need a little extra help and perspective to complete this assignment properly. Suveer provided an ideal opportunity, and a means for her to deepen her understanding of his psyche.

"Penis Envy is a complex idea, requires you to really put yourself in the mind-set of the male and some of the key drivers of the male ego. I encourage you to ask as many legitimate questions as you can. Suveer and I have an understanding and he is a part of a group of test subjects I have gathered for a new research paper I am working on. He has agreed to keep everything we speak about here confidential, and I know you all well enough to be confident you will do the same. Right then, let's begin. Raise your hands and I will direct the questioning." Dr Taylor picked up her tablet to begin taking a few private notes as well.

Silence followed for a few moments as the young women gazed about like nervous fawns, not quite sure how to break the ice. Eventually, one of the taller girls named Kerry raised her hand, the beaded bracelets on her wrist jingling gently. A red head with emerald green eyes, she had a hint of free-love hippie in the way she wore her hair and drew floral patterns on almost everything she touched.

"Is...is having a penis something you...you're like aware of constantly?" She asked, not quite sure how to phrase the question.

Suveer's cheeks flushed a little, still adjusting to being asked about such a private place so directly. He shifted in his seat, taking a few quick breaths to try to find the right words. He could feel the expectant gaze of so many pairs of lovely female eyes. His mind remembered some of the words Dr Taylor gave to him in advice before he agreed to this session: "Don't think of it as having pressure to perform. You will be helping my students, offering a perspective that few ever get to hear truly. They will be ever so grateful, just be yourself and do your best."

He decided to just start, hoping the words would flow, "Well...not every single waking moment, I guess. It depends on a few things, how casual the circumstance is, what I'm wearing, what position my body is in and a few other random things I'll get into in a moment."

Dr Taylor smiled to herself, as she heard his words start to gain a bit of moment, happy that she made the right choice. Finding a male his age who speaks eloquently and truly instead of pandering to ego and bravado had always been a challenge for her.

"So under normal circumstances, it's kind of like any other body part," Suveer continued. "It's like your ear, you only really know it's there when something rubs up against it. So if I'm wearing underwear that is too restrictive or clothes that are too tight around the crotch, then sure, my attention is drawn down there more often. Kind of have to sit in a certain way to lessen the impact of clothes. I guess like other body parts too, you pay more attention...if it ever itches."

A chorus of girly giggles followed, his hazel eyes lifting to meet their gaze fleetingly. The mood seemed to lighten a little, helping everyone feel more at ease. Another young lady, Alexsandra tentatively raised her slender hand. Her light brown hair in a bob, soft brown eyes almost matching, the only one wearing a dress in the panel of females, giving her a slightly mousey appearance with its conservative style.

"What...what's it like to be able to stand and pee?" Her cheeks flushed a little rosey as a few giggles and nods followed her question.

Dr Taylor chimed in, "Well that's certainly one aspect of Penis Envy, the convenience. It would be so much easier to be able to use a urinal and not have to care so much about public bathroom hygiene. Boys certainly do have more user-friendly plumbing."

More smiles followed, beneath the glow of increasingly curious eyes. Suveer remained in thought for a few more moments before responding, "Yes it is quite nice being able to go to a bathroom and know that you don't really have to touch or be in contact with anything, or have to remove too many clothes. Zippers are great inventions! I....I don't always use the urinals though."

That confession piqued curiosity all around, including for Dr Taylor. Suveer blinked a few times, as he realised that he was tip toeing dangerously close to revealing a secret which is the source of most of his shyness. He quickly fumbled through his mind for a legitimate and believable reason.

"Well not all places seem to get the height of urinals right. I mean I don't mind being a short person. I don't have to worry about low hanging branches and flying economy class is just fine. Plus it doesn't hurt as much when I fall down. But having to stand on tip toes and pee at the same time, that's a level of multi-tasking which is a bit beyond me."

The tittering sound of polite female laughter filled the air. Suveer sighed a bit with relief, feeling like he had deflected a little from the actual reason he didn't like urinals. While the height issue was true to a degree, the real reason was his shyness. Suveer had a small penis. And that defined his behaviour in a number of ways. The thought of standing in line with other guys at urinals without privacy dividers was mortifying. He needed the privacy of a stall to feel safe.

The perils of being a small penis boy. He thought back for a moment to his school days, when girls would put their hands in boys' pockets under the pretext of "keeping them warm" during winter and would always be a little surprised and amused by how much space there seemed to be in his pockets compared to other boys. He still remembered the giggles, the way his first girlfriend put her hand over her mouth with wide eyes filled with mirth, the first time she had seen his penis exposed. He knew that with the ubiquity and ease of access to porn these days, many females were growing up with great expectations when it came to penis size. He knew he had many good qualities, was fairly good looking, intelligent, diligent and raised to be a gentleman. But in the penis size genetic lottery, he had quite literally come up short.

His short reverie was interrupted by the sight of another hand being raised. Nicolene was gazing at him with a mischievous smile. She was Indian-descent like him, similar hazel eyes and black hair, her skin tone just slightly more tan than his. She seemed more confident than the other girls so far, a coquettish twinkle in her eyes.

"Why are we beating around the bush here? Tell us what it's like to get an erection!" She asked, looking quite proud of herself. Sarah gasped loud and chuckled, giving her shoulder a playful push, like it's the most scandalous question she could possibly ask. A few of the other girls covered their mouths, the more demure Alexsandra showed a deep blush in her fair skin.

Dr Taylor waved her hand to have everyone settled down. Suveer gazed back at her with a shy and slightly enquiring look, his eyes asking if it is really something he should answer. Her tone was slightly mollifying, trying to keep things professional, despite the obvious sexual connotation to the question.

"This is quite an important question, which could maybe have been asked a little more politely," she cast a slightly admonishing look to Nicolene, who responded with a playful eye roll and a fleeting sticking out of her tongue. "A significant part of Penis Envy is the feeling associated with and represented by an erection. An erection signifies power, the nature-given ability to penetrate and make yield. Many women covet that power at some point in their lives, or are at least curious about what it might be like being able to wield what is represents. Please go ahead Suveer, we really do appreciate your honesty and openness about this sensitive topic, don't we girls?"

Everyone nodded, which seemed to give him a bit more encouragement. They all seemed to be leaning forward a bit more now. He took a quick breath, trying to be as helpful and descriptive as he possibly could.

"W...well it often starts with a flush of sensation, like all the nerve endings are waking from a numb slumber, like when your leg goes to sleep and the sensation slowly returns, but it's not weird or painful at all. This is followed by more of a pulsing, throbbing sensation as the shaft engorges, lengthens and grows. Remember before when I said it's like your ear, and you can only take notice when something rubs against it? An erection changes all of that completely. My penis now feels like a muscle that I can flex and control, flex like you can your bicep. It feels more sensitive, more alive, like it is demanding that it gets attention in whatever form is available."

The room was completely silent save for his voice, all completely rapt with attention. Even Dr Taylor had stopped taking notes for the time being, despite having an extensive knowledge of penises and their behaviour. His next words gave her pause though and piqued her curiosity even more.

"There are a few differences though, depending on the type of erection I get..."

Both Nicolene and Sarah asked in unison, "types of erection?" Both of them giggling as they formed that inadvertent chorus.

"Well....yeah," Suveer continued, "I don't know if every guy experiences this or is like me or gives these things much thought. But for me, there are 3 main types of erections. The first type are just random, body response erections. They were the first type I got as a young boy, just idle curiosities for me, nothing sexual associated with them at all. In fact they were mostly an inconvenience during those years. I guess I would put morning glory erections in this category too. And the totally random erections that just seem to happen for no reason at all, like my penis just wants to remind me it's there. It's not a response to anything I've seen or am necessarily thinking about, just a random uncontrollable body response, like getting the hiccups."

He paused for a moment to clear his throat, "could...could someone please pass me my water bottle, it's there on the side of my backpack?" Sarah happily obliged, skipping over and retrieving it for him. He took a few quick sips, starting to feel like somewhat of a celebrity here on a talk show, revealing all kinds of secrets about the lives of young men to an attentive audience.