The Valentine

A few heads popped into view, shocked looks on their faces, and then Madison came running out. He skidded to a halt, standing and staring at me across the hall. His look went from shocked to cold and angry as he drew himself up.

I had imagined a hundred things to say to him when I saw him, trying to explain, saying I was sorry I left how I had but he knew I didn't love him. Telling him straight out I wanted out of the marriage.

Seeing him standing there, I could say nothing. I just felt an overwhelming sadness. I turned away and walked to the stairs and up, carrying my own bag. No one said a word and I didn't speak, just going up to my mothers old room and in. I dropped my bag and went to the bed, laying down and curling up.

I was exhausted and sad and lost. I just needed a few days of peace and quiet and to sort things out.

The door opened, but I didn't look. Probably a servant to put my things away.

The bed moved as someone sat on it and a hand touched my shoulder.

"I want to be angry, to scold you for hurting me as you did. I want to gloat that you are sad and upset! But I can't. I see your heartache and it hurts me. I don't know what happened... but I am here. I will be here for you whatever it is," Madison said softly.

I was expecting harsh words and anger. Coldness. Not this. I could take anything but this.

I curled up and sobbed, letting him comfort me though I didn't deserve it. He pulled me close and held me, kissing my head over and over as he stroked my back. No one disturbed us at all as he held me until after dark. He finally shifted after I had no tears left and lay there clutching his arm.

"Was it him?" he asked softly. "His ways were too much for you? You found out he was...harsh in that way?"

I was shocked. "You knew?"

"Yes... everyone knew. He was known for it. So it was that. I wondered if you knew or if you would find out the hard way."

"It wasn't that," I answered softly. "He was killed. Killed by an angry, jealous man."

"The one who raped you?"

"No... the one who was in love with the man who raped me."

"... what?"

"The man who raped me, his best friend was in love with him. Dew was his name."

"Dew?"

"Dewitt. We called him Dew. Jack loved me, Dew loved Jack and hated me because Jack cared for me. He hated Sterling because people said Sterling was a dandy, but Dew really was a dandy."

"Dandy meaning he liked men?"

"Yes, a prig."

"So... he killed Sterling?"

"Yes... Jack spent the day with me because I had been so sad and my Pa and everyone was worried. Dew found out and got mad. Went and found Sterling at the schoolhouse... took him against his will and killed him, then burned the schoolhouse to try and hide it. But they put out the fire before the evidence was burned."

"That... that sounds... made up. That's incredible. I'm sorry... I don't mean to sound insensitive, it's just... I hope word of what happened doesn't reach the papers."

"I didn't tell his family when I delivered the body. I only said he died in a fire. Only you and I know the rest. Here at least."

"Are you back now, my love?"

"I came here to deliver Sterling's body to his family," I said softly, still clutching his arm.

"So you are not staying? Do... do you wish to dissolve our marriage contract? So long as the details are sealed, I will sign the dissolution papers citing why you cannot be held to the contract. If that is what you wish. It is not what I wish... but I will understand."

"Thank you. Do I have to decide this moment?"

"No, take as long as you would like. The longer you take, the better it bodes for me, as I get to convince you to stay," he said softly, kissing my head again.

I did not deserve how sweet he was being to me.

"I will warn you though... the papers know you are back by now. No one spoke, but there was speculation as to where you disappeared to, why you weren't seen around town. If it gets out that you retired the same day Sterling Whittier's body was returned and a line is drawn... there may be a scandal. They wouldn't want that any more than we would, so they will say nothing, but if someone makes the connection... you understand it may raise questions, right?"

"I don't really care about the newspapers and what they say."

"I know," he said softly, wistfully, bending to kiss my head again. "I have missed you so, my love. Did you think of me at all?"

"Yes. Mostly, I was sorry you were hurt. You never deserved to be hurt, you were so good to me. So loving and sweet."

"But I was not the man you were in love with."

"No. No you weren't... but I do realize now what I did not then. Sterling wasn't the man I was in love with either."

"No? Who then?"

"I was in love with an idea. Once Sterling and I got back home... I knew that I wasn't in love with him. Not because of the way he liked to do some things... not really. Because I felt so... stifled. I was afraid of the moment he came home and I could no longer be myself. I had this idea that because he knew me so well, that he was my ideal man. I discovered he knew everyone that well. It wasn't just me, it was who he was. I started looking at it and realized that I had loved that he knew me and saw me. I liked his sweet and gentle nature as well, but I didn't love him. I was in love with an idea. I know now that there is no man out there that can fit into this grand idea I have of what love should be. Instead I have to find parts of him. Things about him that I can love. No man will ever live up to the idea... but I don't need that. I just need a man who won't make me feel like less. Who knows I don't need to be taken care of, or taught for the rest of my life, or controlled. Someone who can just love me and let me be a partner without trying to make me something I am not."

"That doesn't seem like much to ask for at all?"

"And on top of that, I have to care for him. There has to be things about him I adore. And he has to care for me and show it. Not say it to other people, but show it to me. We have to get along and he can't hurt me or expect to be allowed to hurt me and be forgiven. So many things."

"Seems I have some large shoes to fill if I want to be that man."

"Do you? I feel like you already fill them," I answered thoughtfully, thinking over all of the things I had said about Jack and Sterling that I didn't like and realizing that Madison was all of those things that I had wanted.

"I will try... but I fear I have already lost."

"Why?"

"I tricked you. I married you against your will."

Right. That.

"That was Zelda," I said softly. "I never blamed you, you did as you were told."

"I didn't balk either, I was happy to do it. I was going to get you away, get you to Sterling and free you and I was selfish. I brought you back, knowing her plans."

"And now I am glad you did. It let me know you. I don't hold you responsible for any of that, only her. You have been good to me. Always, even when I did not deserve it. I am sorry I hurt you, truly."

He said nothing, only bent to kiss my head again. He squeezed me more tightly and I sighed deeply, feeling at peace finally, for the first time in a long time. I fell asleep there and he held me all night, never moving or complaining.

In the morning, he woke me with a small smile and a kiss on my nose before getting up and having a bath brought in. I had missed hot baths. He sent in my dresses, then led me down to the dining room, holding on to my hand as if he were afraid I would pull away from him. I stayed close to him and managed to smile at everyone as they asked politely prying questions about where I was. I let Madison answer as I ate, my appetite finally returning.

He turned to me after breakfast, touching my jaw gently. "We will lunch at the Crane Room, if that suits you. It will be good for you to be seen out in public again. Dispel the rumors."

"If that is what you would like," I agreed. "But after I want to go to a publishing house and show them my manuscript."

"Manuscript? You wrote a book?" he asked in pleasant surprise.

"Yes, and I am working on another. A series I think."

"That is amazing! May I read it?"

There was agreement all around then, everyone asking to read it. I felt like Madison's request was genuine and he was excited. Most of the others were just pandering. I smiled and gave him a small nod.

In the carriage, he sat close to me. "My love, your book."

"Yes?"

"The publishing house will publish it, even if it is trash just because your name is on it. Not that it is trash! I am not saying that. I am just saying your name will ensure it will be published no matter what. Not only that, it will sell. Well. Everyone will buy a copy."

"What are you saying?"

"That I don't know you as well as Sterling may have, but I do know you well enough to know you wouldn't like that. You would want your story to be published on merit. You would want it read for its content, not the name on the outside. I would suggest a Nom De Plume."

"That makes sense. You are right, Madison, thank you."

"That would mean you would have to go in alone. You probably won't be recognized, but I will be. Can you do that, or do you want me to arrange a third party set it up?"

"I think I can manage."

He smiled at the window.

"What is funny?"

"Nothing, my love. I knew you would. You are fearless in many ways. Do you have a name in mind?"

"Yes. Cass Sutton."

"Simple. Nice. I like it. They might suggest C. Sutton so that it is ambiguous. Female authors aren't widely accepted."

"I can accept that at first. Once my name is out there and my books speak for themselves, I can expand it to Cass. Then Cassandra."

"Cassandra Sutton."

"Cassandra Sutton Durham. Once my name is out there and people like my books, it won't bother me to have some people get them just for a name. They will just get to see what a talent your wife is."

He laughed and pulled me close to him, kissing my head again. "I am so glad you are home, my love.

I got to send my first published novel home on Valentines day. I sent a box of 6 of them to my pa. I also sent news that I was expecting and happily 'still' married. I invited Pa to visit, and to my surprise, he did. He showed up a month before his grandson was born and stayed for it. Then he just stayed. He told me Jack had moved away after my letter saying I was married and expecting, but he had taken my book with him with the inscription in it I wrote for him. Not a month later, I got a letter from Jack. He told me how he was, how he had loved the book and the ending and gave me his address for the next book. I sent him every book and he wrote me every few months, telling me about where he was and what he was doing. He had gotten on with the railroad. He had started laying rail, but now he was a foreman and he was telling off others to do it. He was traveling everywhere, but he would get around back to his home and get to read all of my letters and books at once. A few years later he told me he was finding my books in stores before he got home to get them and he was proud to be able to tell everyone he knew me. A few of his men borrowed my books and they read them out loud to those who couldn't read.

He closed every letter with 'always waiting'.

It both broke my heart and warmed my heart to read his letters. He seemed so happy, but those last two words before his name always made me feel like the happiness was a facade.

I was happy with Madison. He was loving and kind and patient. So patient! He was an amazing father, always laughing and playing with our boys. Pa was content to spend his day with his grandsons and I. Madison too. They became fast friends.

My youngest was fresh out of school when Pa died. It hit him the hardest I think, Tommy was close to Pa, not just his namesake. They loved the outdoors, animals, hunting and gardening. Garreth and Jace were like their father, social butterflies who could charm anyone they spoke to. Garreth especially was his fathers son. Jace, most nights, could be found with a book if he wasn't with his friends. Of the three, he was the most like me. He was still more his fathers though.

I adored them all.

Tommy was sad enough after Pa that it was hard getting him to go on to college. So much so that I convinced Madison that he could wait a year, or not go at all if he didn't want to. College for kids like ours was just for social reasons anyway. Jace was the only one of the three who really went to learn.

Two months later, it was at a golf match that Madison fell ill. I didn't understand it, no one did. He dropped to his knees after a swing, clutching his side, then his face went slack. He was still alive, but he couldn't move, they told me. They got him to a doctor, but nothing could be done, he passed in less than an hour of his arrival. The doctors called it a stroke. I was confused completely. A stroke? Because he was playing golf and had missed his stroke? Angry that they were being so cold about it, I began looking into it and discovered the two things were unrelated and that a stroke was something horrible that happened. I was still so confused.

Why? He was healthy, we both were! We were happy and we tried hard to be good people? It wasn't fair!

The boys all came home for winter break and stayed until semester with me. When they left to go back, I had never felt more alone in my life, no matter how full the house was.

My writing was waiting for me, a half finished manuscript, but I couldn't bring up the will to do it. After Sterling, I had gone right back to it with a will. For Madison though... my heart was truly broken. I wanted to go lay next to him and die alongside him.

The winter was long, but February brought good news. Garreth was getting married. He proposed to her on Valentines day. She asked me to plan and host the wedding. I knew Garreth was behind that, wanting me to focus on something besides my loss and it worked for a while.

Sitting there, watching our oldest get married without his father broke my heart even more. I missed him so much! Jace sat with me and hugged me while Tommy sat on the other side, patting my arm awkwardly ever so often.

It was Jace that got me to start writing again after the wedding. He stayed close all summer, staying on me to write, reading everything I wrote and going over it with me. When it came time for his senior year in college, he asked me if I wanted him to stay home. I told him no, I wanted him to finish school and become my new publisher, since he was so good at that aspect of it. He grinned at me, his fathers beautiful grin and kissed my head before he left. He wrote the same week and told me he had discovered a new love of screenwriting.

Garreth and his wife lived at home and I was happy to have them, even though she was a little silly and they were both always busy. Tommy also stayed at home, but his time was spent outdoors and at the racetracks. He had found a love of horses and breeding them and racing them.

I was alone in the parlor writing on afternoon when a caller was announced. I sighed. The only people who were announced were either strangers, which was very rare, or the people Madison had always called sycophants.

I didn't recognise the man who was shown in, not at all He was large, rough looking with a close trimmed beard. A blue collar man. Not the sort of man who came calling.

"May I help you?" I asked uncertainly.

The man grinned, his blue eyes crinkling as he did. "You don't recognize me, Cass?"

I knew the voice. "Jack?" I cried in shock, then ran to him and hugged him. "Jack! You... you don't look the same at all! You are so big! Were you always this big? And your beard! You look so different! You have gotten so old!" I laughed.

"Not you! Look at you! Still a tiny little beauty!"

"How are you here!?! Last letter had you in California!"

"That was months ago! Figured I would head this way and see what the fuss was all about. Finally put down my hammer, thought I would come see all the places I never got to see."

"Your hammer?"

"Figure of speech. Just means I'm not working anymore."

"That's wonderful! Did you go back home and see everyone?"

"Home? Nah. I haven't been back there at all. Got a few letters from Eph and a couple from Peter after he moved. I never went back and I don't plan to. Not sure I have it in me to sit still anymore."

"No? Come in and sit down! Tell me about everything!"

"Got your latest book! The new one in the Sterling mysteries. Your Thaddeus Sterling is quite the teacher and detective."

"Oh, my newest just hit the stores two weeks ago. It's a stand alone."

"Your first is still my favorite. Something about that young girl who persevered through everything life threw at her. It's the only one I keep. I travel too much to keep them all with me. I have them stored away at the place I have an address... but I only go there to get my letters and books from you. Speaking of... your last letter never really mentioned it, but I am sorry to hear about Madison."

"Thank you," I answered softly.

"You usually said something about him, told me some little something. I wondered why you didn't until I read it in the papers."

"Is that why you came?" I asked quietly.

"I was already on my way when I read it. I was going to stop in and say hello before I boarded a ship to sail over and see a few of the places some of my boys told me about."

"Your boys? You have kids?" I asked excitedly.

"Oh, no. My boys, the young men who worked for me. They were all from all over. They told me stories about places across the sea. Made me want to see them. I hear your oldest got married?"

"He did. He and Janey are off having lunch somewhere, she likes to be out on the town as often as she can. Tommy is at the racetrack, he has an interest in one of the horses there to buy or... stud? Something. He talks about it, but it's still new to me and a little confusing."

"Jace?"

I smiled. He knew all my sons' names!

"He is finishing college this year."

"Before you know it, you will be a grandmother."

"Oh, that would be wonderful. I hope I get a girl!" I laughed.

He laughed too, then sobered slightly. "Sorry about Tom. He was a good man. I missed him and his advice after we parted ways. Missed his letters too."

"He wrote you?"

"Not as much as you, but yeah. He told me about you, the things you never told me about. Like losing your girl before she was born."

I looked away quickly.

"Sorry. He just let me know how things were here, told me about his grandkids and how things hadn't changed here. About how he knew you sometimes missed home because you would hunt him down and sit and talk to him for hours about 'remember whens'. He said those talks always came around to either Sterling or me, sometimes both. He also told me that your story about the farm boy who plowed into the underworld to find his love was about me. But I already knew that," he chuckled. "Jake the plowboy with his dimple and blue eyes. Didn't have to be a college graduate to see that one. Even if his love was named 'Effie'. Effie? Couldn't she have been something more... nice? Less bovine?"

"Bovine!"

"Yes! It sounds like a cow's name! She could have had a nicer name. Cassie would have worked."

"Cassie," I asked flatly.

"Sure. Cass. Cassandra. Cassie."

"For the imaginary Jake? The plowboy who challenged death to a poker match and lost, but didn't care because he got to spend his afterlife with his love? It was all a trick anyway and he never planned on winning, just being close to her? We are talking about that story. Right?"

Jack laughed. "It was a sweet story, funny too. I liked the bit where he offered death a chaw and gave him itchweed instead of tobacco. Then swallowing down thistles to scratch his throat and stomach, then trying to pass them thistles later. Had us all laughing till we had tears."