The Virgin Ceremonies Ch. 12

"I guess I never understood him. He threw away something great to please his parents, while all they ever did was dictate his life. I couldn't understand why he wanted to live like that. Even if his family disowned him, isn't living free better?"

"It's not. Don't get me wrong, I get what you're saying, and I get how hard it is on you. But try to see it from his side. If he comes out, he gets you, yes, but he loses his entire family. It's not so easy to choose one person over dozens, especially blood. And worse, what if he gave up everything for you, and you got bored of him? Then he's alone with no one, nothing. I... I'd be too scared to make that choice."

"Hm, I honestly hadn't thought about it like that," he said, his head sinking.

"Yeah. I don't know if he made the right choice. Maybe he'll never be happy. Maybe I'll never be happy either for that matter. But I couldn't make that trade, and I don't think your friend could either."

He nodded again. "Thanks. I think that helped me."

"I'm glad," I said warmly. "I wish someone could help me."

"I'll help you," Brent said, looking into my eyes. "Don't call him."

"Huh? But you said--"

"I know, but you were right. He shouldn't have asked you to give up so much. Don't call him. It'll rip open every wound you just closed."

"Oh," I said softly. Brent's advice hit me hard, and I hated it. "You're probably right."

"It's hard, I know, but it's for the best. Just... let him go."

"Yeah," I said with a breath. "You give good advice. You know, we should exchange numbers. We can make plans to do something fun. I'll bring Quinn, and you can bring Colin."

I took my phone out, getting ready to save his number.

"Actually, my phone is broken," he said.

"Oh, it is?"

"Yeah. Maybe you could give me your number, and I could text you mine later once my phone is fixed."

"Okay. I have a pen somewhere." I started digging into my backpack, a task made infinitely harder with my clothes inside. "Pen, where are you?"

"Ah, you know what?" he said. "I can remember it. Don't go in your backpack right now."

"No, it's here somewhere."

"No, really, I can remember it. Please stop looking for a pen."

I checked the side pouch. "What the... what is this?"

I pulled out a thick envelope. I knew what it was before I even opened it: $10,000 cash.

"Oh, my God."

"Uh, wow, you carry a lot of cash," he said.

There was a sticky note on the first bill. I pulled it out and read it. "I love you more than money."

I stuffed it back into my bag and held my face. "Shit."

"Everything okay?" Brent asked.

"I think I have to go," I said, getting my things together. "I'm sorry. I appreciate the advice."

"Okay," he said. "I hope you figure things out."

"Thanks, Brent, really. Take care."

I left the cafe. Talking with Brent had helped me a little, knowing I wasn't the only one going through relationship troubles.

It was past noon by the time I made it to my apartment. There she was, Quinn, staring me down.

"Hey," I said, closing the front door and locking it.

Quinn had a stern look that reminded me of my aunt Olivia. "Did you have fun last night, at your Christmas party, with your friends? Which friends exactly?"

"I'm not going to lie to you, Quinn. I love you too much to do that."

She took her hands off her hips. "Then tell me the truth."

"Beau rented a hotel room..."

"Fuck, " she said immediately.

"...and I went there..."

"Goddamn it, Ginny."

"...and we made love all night."

"I'd rather have heard the lie."

"You were right. I couldn't stay away from him."

"You promised me, Ginny. You promised me."

"What do you want me to say?" I said softly. "I love him."

"Oh, my fucking God, don't."

"I broke my promise, yes. But you shouldn't have made me promise."

"What?" she said indignantly. "I made you promise for your own good, and not even a day later you ran off to be with him."

"Look, it's not as bad as all that. We didn't talk about how we were going to run away together or something. We just had sex."

"Just had sex?"

"I told him it was goodbye sex. It was goodbye sex. I won't call him again."

"Why don't I believe you?"

"I'm not lying. At least, I don't think I am. I'm trying not to lie."

"What the hell does that even mean?" she said, throwing her hands up.

"It means ease up, because my heart is broken knowing things are over with him, and I need all my strength and a lot of yours not to call him again."

"You really won't call him again?"

"Honestly, I don't know. But I know we can't be together in public, as a couple, I mean."

"What about Tom?"

"I cheated on him. I'm a horrible person."

"And you're fine with that?"

"Of course not. I feel like a piece of shit. I'm going to break up with him."

"What?"

"I'm not happy with him," I said tiredly. I walked past her and collapsed on the couch. "I never have been. If I can't have Beau, at least I'm not going to ruin my life with Tom."

"I don't even know what to say to you anymore," she said, standing over me. "You're just derailing your life, and all I can do is watch. You betrayed Tom. You broke your word to me. You had sex with Beau. I almost can't believe it, that you would do that, lie to me and use your boyfriend as an alibi to sneak out and have sex with some other guy. I'm your best friend, and--"

"And you would have stopped me," I said sharply. "I needed it, okay? I needed it more than I even knew. I don't regret it, and I'd do it again."

"You mean you will do it again."

"Yes, I probably will," I admitted. "I'm probably thinking about it already, calling him again and hooking up."

"You are un-fucking-believable," she said, dropping on the couch and folding her arms.

"Look, I know I am screwing up. If my mom or your mom or anyone else finds out, I am so fucked. I get it. But I am just trying my best here, Quinn. I am trying to keep it together, and it really sucks because I have no one on my side. I need you on my side, okay? I need my best friend looking out for me."

"So that when you meet up with him again, I can say, 'Yup, she's right here, definitely not out fucking some guy.'"

"Yes. That is what I need from you. I need someone I can trust to watch my back while I am out cheating on my boyfriend."

"You're so ridiculous. I can't even talk to you right now," she said, standing and pacing. "You let that guy hijack your brain."

"I'm in love," I said simply. "I've never felt this way before, not for Tom. I can't even compare it to how I felt when I was younger. Now, it's like, duh, Ginny, did you even know what love was? So, yes, love has hijacked my brain. I'm acting stupid, but I'm trying to keep my stupidity in the shadows. I'm not letting it out into the light. Doesn't that count for anything? Doesn't that earn me a best friend?"

"It might have, if you hadn't broken your promise and made me look like a fool to our family last night."

I sat forward on the couch. "I'm sorry, but I would never make you promise not to be with someone you loved, like Sergio. You knew how much I wanted Beau, and you tried to keep him from me. That's something your mother would do. Shame on you for making me promise that."

She stopped prowling and stared me down, anger in her eyes. "That's it, Ginny. I'm done with this. I'm not going to lie for you. There's too much at stake. If you go to him again, if someone asks me, I don't know where you are. I know nothing. I didn't know about the postcard. I didn't know where you were last night. I don't want to know anything about this anymore. I am blind from now on."

"I guess our friendship has limits."

"With this, yes, this is the limit."

My eyes were watering. "God, you're supposed to be my true sister, the one who knows all my secrets. Remember in school? I hated being a year behind you. I asked my teacher in 5th Grade how I could skip, and he told me if I worked hard and got perfect scores, I could jump. And I did it. For three years, I worked so hard until finally I was a freshman with you. And it was the happiest day of my life, because we were together. And when Tom cheated on me senior year, and so many of my friends ditched me because of how popular he was, I didn't care, because I had you. We went to prom together. You're all I ever needed. You said you'd bury a body for me."

"I said I'd bury a body, not watch you fuck one. Some things are too much, and stepping out with the guy your aunt hired for your virgin ceremony is way too fucking much!" she shouted at me, a tear slipping down her cheek. "Why can't I get through to you? You're fucking a prostitute! How can someone so smart be so stupid?"

"He's not a prostitute!" I said angrily. "He fucked me for free."

"What?" she said. "Is that what he told you? My mom paid him $10,000. She told me. Did he hand you that lie? Did you actually believe it? You are dumb, Ginny."

I dug into my bag, my tears starting to blur my vision. I pulled out the envelope and slammed it on the coffee table. The cash slid out.

"There's your mom's money. He gave it back to me, every dollar. I counted it."

Quinn didn't say anything, just stared at the money on the table.

"He didn't want it, because he wants me. That's all he wants. He loves me, Quinn, and he is torn apart because we can't be together. How am I supposed to feel after what I did to him? I told him to get a hotel room. He did it. I told him to meet me there. He did it. I asked him to make love to me. He did it. He told me how he feels. And I still had to tell him it was over. He called me a coward for not standing up to our family, and I am. I feel like complete shit, okay? I cheated on Tom, and I destroyed Beau. So, excuse me if I am having a hard time finding any more guilt in my heart to spare over breaking a promise to my best friend, but I'm all tapped out."

I stormed past her and into my room, slamming the door. I fell onto my bed, sobbing. I really hated myself. I was the worst girlfriend, worst lover, worst friend on the planet, and the worst part was I would do it all over again, just the same, to be with Beau for one more night.

I knew right then I was going to call him again. I had to. I needed to see him. I wanted to make love again. He was the only thing that could make any of this worthwhile. I felt it, this pull in my stomach that was telling me I needed more of him. Even if I had to keep him in the shadows, even if I had to carry on in secret, hiding it from my best friend, I would do it, anything to keep it going. I just wished I wasn't alone, wished I could talk to Quinn, but I was alone. It was Beau and me against the world.

What if he refused to stay in the shadows with me? How long could I keep him there? I was selfish, thinking somehow maybe if we were together long enough, just in the shadows, we could get over each other. Maybe then we could both move on, mutually wishing each other the best. Was it possible? Was I a fool?

Quinn knocked on my door. When I didn't answer, she opened it. She sat on the edge of the bed and put the envelope on my end table.

"You have to give this back to him."

"Quinn..."

"Call him and give it back to him."

I rolled over, wiping my eyes. "You really want me to call him?"

"Call him. Meet him. Sleep with him if that's what you want."

I was shocked. "You're serious?"

She nodded. "Do what makes you happy, Ginny. I can't lie for you, but I'll root for you, okay? You can always talk to me."

I sniffled and wiped my nose. "Really? You'll keep my secret? You'll forgive me for breaking my promise?"

"Yes, just be careful. I'm so scared for you, and if anyone finds out, anyone, I can't save you."

I swallowed and nodded. "I know."

She hugged me, and I gripped her tight.

"You're a better friend than I deserve," I said.

"If I was, I would lie for you. I'm a decent friend."

"Maybe, but you're all I have."