The Vow of Obedience

Weldon took a draw on his cigar, then opened his mouth. The smoke wafted away, guided by the chaos of the air around it. The smoker was amused to take no active part in directing the vapor. "Here's a question for you," he said to the other men at the large table. "Naturally, it's about a woman."

Cooper said, "I'll just say 'no' in advance. Whatever cock-and-bull nonsense you fabricate, Weldon, you won't be able to justify a woman's faithlessness. She will be wrong, and must never be forgiven."

The other men chuckled, and Weldon joined in. "If you decline to participate, Cooper, that's your choice. Everyone else generally finds these discussions amusing." He looked around the table and asked, "Shall I proceed?"

"Certainly, Weldon," said Sturgis, picking up the whiskey glass that a waiter had set before him. "Your fancies are a major reason for my membership in this club. While I share Cooper's opinion of the women in your recitals, I enjoy their excursions as they fall from grace."

"In this one," said Weldon, "the excursions are not provocatively detailed, I'm afraid. You might think of this as an ethical puzzle."

"Ah, good!" said Moore. "'Puzzle' was once a word for 'slut!'"

The laughter in the room was much louder now. Weldon waited through it with a smile, then began the preamble to his question.

"Consider this. A man and a woman get married, under the sanctity of a church. She is a virgin at the altar, with her virtue unsullied. Her vows, imposed by the church, are to love, honor, and obey her husband. His vows are to love and cherish his wife."

"What leads her astray?" asked Sturgis eagerly, leaning closer.

"Nothing. In all of her thoughts and actions, she is a perfect wife. Her undoing is caused by her husband."

"How?" asked Pettigrew.

"One day, a rich man in a carriage chances to pass by the couple's modest cottage. The wife is between the cottage and the road, churning butter. She is young and fair, and the rich man is driven to lust for her. He calls out to the husband, who is nearby, shoeing a horse: 'Send your comely wife to my manor, and I will pay you ten thousand crowns, so that I may swive her for the entire night!'

'Done!' declares the husband. 'Margaret, hie yourself to the manor, and accept without complaint whatever this gentleman does to you, and comply with all of his requests for services.'

"Yes!" hissed Sturgis. "Services!"

"So, Gentlemen," said Weldon. "The husband has commanded his wife to submit sexually to the rich man. What should the wife do?"

"Refuse the tycoon's advances, of course," said Cooper. "She must be faithful to her husband."

"Yet, under her vows, she must obey her husband. He has told her to abase herself. If she obeys his command, is she a slut?"

Into the silence of the befuddled Cooper, and through the stratum of fragrant smoke, moved a white-haired and -bearded man. "Good evening, Gentlemen," he rumbled, taking a chair at the table with an ease that belied his age. "Have I missed anything?" He withdrew a cigar from an inside pocket of his blazer, and began cutting the tip.

"Hello, Donavan," said Moore. "Weldon here has been regaling us with a conundrum. It's quite ribald, I'm afraid."

"Jolly good!" said Donavan, splitting his beard with a grin. There was a general chuckle. "Pray continue, Weldon."

Weldon summarized the matter for the newcomer. Then he said, "Could the wife have some freedom of action here? Her vows are to love, honor, and obey. The first two she must do at all times, but she need only do the third, obey, when the husband gives her an order. If he has never forbidden her to do what I will call 'Action A,' could she use that to remedy her situation?"

"And what, pray tell, is your 'Action A?'" asked Moore.

"Slaying her husband," said Weldon.

Several of the men gasped in shock.

"Murder is a mortal sin!" declared Pettigrew, aghast.

"But within her marriage vows, it is an option," Weldon maintained. "So, if she performs Action A, does she have a path towards preserving her honor?"

"Yes!" declared Sturgis with delight. "She would then be a widow, and free to marry the rich man. Her virtue would be upheld!"

"Ah," said Weldon, gesturing with his cigar as if closing a trap, "what if the rich man is already married? He is, after all, seeking an illicit union. He clearly has no regard for his own wife."

Deflated, Sturgis said no more.

Cooper growled, "You disgust me, Weldon. Both the husband and the rich man are the lowest of scoundrels. We, as gentlemen, would never serve as a procurer for a degenerate, nor solicit the deplorable services."

"And yet," said Weldon, "don't we, as gentlemen, sometimes engage in...shall we say...a duality of behavior, when our desires conflict with our principles?" He held up his cigar. "We all work to prevent trade with the dreadful regime in Cuba. And yet we also take steps to ensure that we, at least, have access to a valuable commodity from that place."

There were snickers, and brief statements of praise for how this worked to the men's advantage. Nobody felt the need to confess to hypocrisy.

"Besides," Weldon continued, leaning towards his fellows, "the behavior of the men in this scenario, and our judgment of them, are irrelevant. The question concerns the wife, only. What must she do, to adhere to her vows and uphold her virtue?"

"She could preserve her honor by taking her own life," said Moore.

"No she can't. Leaving aside the fact that suicide is also a sin, the husband has given her a command. She is obligated to obey it, and cannot escape the obligation by killing herself. Suicide would make her faithless."

"Well then," said Pettigrew, "I'm stumped. Is there any hope for this poor woman?"

"No, in the situation as it is stated," said Weldon, as if with regret. "It does not matter what causes her loss of virtue. It does not matter if she took no willed action to compromise her virtue. Her virtue is gone, by the action of others."

After another slow puff on his cigar, Weldon suddenly animated. Straightening up, he said, "But in a slightly different situation, she can preserve her honor, within her vows!"

"How so?" asked Sturgis.

"By taking Action A before the husband can reply to the rich man. Having heard that the rich man wants to abase her, she must immediately prevent her husband from answering. The only device to her hand is the butter churn. She must lift it, and strike her husband. It is reasonable to posit that he has never said to her, 'I forbid you from striking me with a butter churn.' This may not kill him, but it need only render him incapable of speaking the words necessary to prostitute his wife."

Most of the men cheered, and praised Weldon's wit. Cooper expressed relief that the unseemly exercise had ended.

A servant appeared at Weldon's left. The servant bowed slightly and held out a silver tray bearing a small envelope. Weldon nodded at the servant, and took the envelope. In its place on the tray, Weldon dropped a few coins. The servant withdrew, with an expression nobody bothered to observe.

Weldon parted the seal on the envelope with his thumb, and silently read the message inside.

Your club membership for the remainder of this year has been paid, and your gambling debts have been nullified. As always, your taste was excellent. Thus I look forward to your divorcement from this faithless but beauteous wife, and your next nuptials.

--Donavan

With a smile towards Donavan, Weldon touched the note to the gleam of his cigar, then dropped it in an ashtray.