The Witch, The Bitch and An Idiot

Every classic starts with a flashback, why should my story be any different?

The year was 2009 and the only "smartphone" in the country was the original iPhone. Rich families in Virginia have a strange tradition, if you get into UVA you can ask for anything you want. Getting my hands that touch screen goodness was like a dream come true.

Now you might be wondering why I am raving on about an "old" smartphone, and when will I get to the good part. But that's the thing, I am still using that old piece of junk. Granted I don't use it as much as I used to back in the day. But, once in a while when the mood strikes, that piece junk helps me take my sweet wife to 11 and my naughty wife to 101.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Going back to the beginning, the first day at UVA was quite boring, same old setting up a new room, not liking the new roommate, wishing the hot RA was sucking my dick while the even hotter RA was eating her pussy, you know standard first day things. Unfortunately, the whole freshers' week as more of the same. The only new addition was, wishing the new upstairs neighbor was sucking my dick, while her roommate was licking my balls.

The last day of the freshers' week was a giant advertisement for all the 999 stupid clubs that existed. They said, if you can think it, there's probably a club for it, I begged to differ, but soon I was proven wrong. There really was a club, where you could enter the room like a king with naked bitches kneeling in straight lines, drooling at the thought of being picked by you as the entertainment for the night. The only catch, I would be the one the start the club ;-)

So, while I was browsing the 999, I came across a strange poster.

Occult Club

Real Witches only

We'll find you

No need to look

PS: We are war with the Techno Club

Be wary

It was then and there I decided to join this Techno Club.

After looking around for a while, I found a Robotics Club, few Programming Clubs, the League of Coders (I know, right) and even something called the Wiccan Society. But, no traces of the Techno Club. The Occult Club had an imaginary enemy, fitting.

Losing interest in the rest of the event, I collected a few more, free plastic cups and some oversized t-shirts, before deciding to call it a day.

...

Later that night, my roommate didn't show up. Out "hunting" I assumed. Bored, I decided to pull out my new shiny and play some games on it. JK, that piece of junk cannot handle forwarding sms, there were no games on it. But I did have an unread notification, and that's something I cannot ignore to this very day.

1 New message from Unknown.

As I touched the screen, the message appeared.

Thank you for showing interest in the Techno Club. Unfortunately, we are not accepting new members at this moment. Please enjoy this compensation.

Followed by, Welcome to the Rest of Your Life.

It really did read Welcome to Submission Accelerator, but I like being dramatic, sue me. Oh, scared of my feisty redheaded lawyer. You should be, that witch can turn you into mice before you can file your papers in court. Right context!

Normally, I would think that someone hacked my phone and was playing a prank. Or, I would freak out, considering I didn't express my interest in the Techno Club to anyone. But the app icon was shining brightly and the only emotion I could feel was curiosity. (Apps were something that "smartphones" back in the day used to have, don't worry if you don't get it)

Touch, and nothing happened. Well, the screen did go blank for a while which was followed by;

Thank you for getting the Trial Version of The Submission Accelerator, your one stop shop to help you meet all your deadlines. The app will be deleted on its own after the trail period is over please get the Full Version to enjoy continued service.

No catchy jingle no colorful images, nothing. All in all, pretty bland in presentation. This prank was not well crafted. While I was thinking that, the text changed;

Are you tired of being the Beta? But can't get out of your patterns, now there's a solution. Try Submission Accelerator, turning Betas into Alphas, one bitch at a time.

And it was then, when I was convinced that this was not a prank. Or maybe I was so impressed that I was willing to fool myself into thinking that this was not a prank. Whatever the reason might be, I am glad that I didn't turn away.

It seemed like the app was waiting for me to accept its legitimacy. I was quickly introduced to a disclaimer. The long and short of it was:

1) Only the recognized owner of the device could access the app and make use of its features.

2) The owner could only use the trail version for 1 month, after which all the effects of the app would be reversed and the app will delete itself. In case I could get my hands on the full version the effects would last until I kept the app on my phone.

3) All the functions of the full version will be greyed out, but it would keep teasing me about the awesome things it could do.

Fine, this is what the app could do.

Everyone in my contact list was assigned a score between 0 and 10. With 0 meaning that asking a favor would probably lead to getting my ass handed to me and 10 meaning that if I asked nicely, they'll probably not say no. This "probability" was shown as a percentage, essentially maxing out the probability in once direction could move the score in the said direction. The rules on how these numbers were calculated were vague, i.e., its magic deal with it.

Browsing through the app I noticed that my bitchy sister Chanel, was not a 0 as I thought, in fact she was a healthy 6, but the "probability" number was a big fat 0. What did that mean? Well, from my years of experience, now I know that it meant that she was nice to everyone else and quite easy to order around, but I had no chance of getting her to do my bidding.

Another interesting find was Lana, my sister's best friend. She was in my contact list, 'cause she said "in case of emergency" but now I know found out the real answer. Her numbers were 4 and 90%, meaning that she was not easy to order around, but if I asked her to do something, she was likely to agree. Putting a pin in that, I'll try to see this action the next time I see her.

Next was, Siri. Feisty and shy at the same time. This bright red head girl had been my friend since middle school. Almost everyone though that we were together, but in reality, I had always been delusional and infatuated with Mandy. That hot piece of ass had left a long trail of broken hearts in our high school. I survived, I never tried. Anyways, Siri was 5 and 50% and Mandy was not in my contact list.

There were a few more people in my contact list, including my new roommate Whatshisname, so I guessed that this app was not strictly sexual. But in short, everyone else was far away or male, and out of the ones I could surely meet within this month of trail service my choices came down to:

Chanel: Sister 6-00

Lana: Sister's Best Friend 4-90

Siri: Childhood Friend 5-50