The World Made Yonder Pt. 02

Joey lifted Stephen bodily off his chair and onto his lap. The moment the boy was in the man's arms, he burst out crying. Joey hugged him as he cried, saying, 'It's not your fault, Stevie. It's not your fault.'

Joey heard a buzzer go off. Celia swore and there was thumping and clanging. Then she came across and stood over the two males, like a prison officer at the end of visiting hour.

'Your dinner's ready,' she said.

She held out her hands, her face a mask of displeasure. Joey understood and lifted the boy to hand him over.

'No!' screamed Stephen. 'I want my Daddy! I want my Daddy!'

Joey let Stephen back and the boy clung to him and howled. Joey held him tight, trying not to look at Celia. This was the second time in three days Stephen had done this. Joey felt Celia's presence hovering next to him and suddenly wondered whether there was a knife on the table. He looked over—and felt his breath freeze in his chest.

Celia looked devastated. He had never seen such a look on her face before. Anguish, horror, pain ... it was all of them at once. Despite everything, he felt sorry for her. Still holding the crying boy, Joey got to his feet.

'I'll take him upstairs,' he said and quickly left the room.

***************************

When Stephen was born, Joey promised himself never to lie to his son, not even 'white lies'. That was why he'd come up with the rule about questions. Joey believed that children were more sensitive to truth than grown-ups gave them credit for and even saying 'I don't know' when you actually did would have an impact. After six years of this approach, the result was that Stephen's trust in his father's word was total.

But as Joey tried to comfort the crying child, he now had a problem. He knew that not being Stephen's biological father did not absolve him of responsibility to do right by the boy. Indeed, Stephen would need someone he could genuinely trust more than ever. His mother had saddled him with a massive lie and even keeping that from him was a form of betrayal. Yet smashing Stephen's trust in his mother was not the answer. Despite her faults, Celia was generally a good mother and her love for the boy was beyond question. Outside of vengeance, there was nothing to be gained by harming that relationship and everything to lose.

Yet Stephen was pleading with Joey and the man had no answers. There were four kids in Stephen's class whose parents were divorced—where the father had left or been forced to leave—and Stephen was saying, 'You won't go, will you, Daddy? You won't leave me and Mummy?' and Joey couldn't answer. The true answer was, 'It depends on the paternity test', but Joey knew he couldn't say that or even attempt to explain it. But the fact that he was not saying, 'Of course I'm not leaving, son! Of course I won't leave!' was enough to send the boy off into paroxysms of terrified crying. As he sobbed along with the boy, Joey realised that when you have someone's absolute trust, what you don't say is as important as what you do.

It was two hours before Stephen fell asleep. There was no brushing of teeth, nor even getting undressed. The boy simply cried himself into exhaustion, his face hot and red as though with a fever. Joey pulled off the unconscious boy's shoes and socks, and took off his trousers, but otherwise tucked him into bed with his clothes on. Joey crept out and washed his face in the bathroom. As he went downstairs, he felt like his insides had been kicked and shredded.

Joey went into the kitchen-dining room. All the lights were still on, but the room was empty, half-eaten pizzas still on huge plates on the table. Joey noticed that his own pizza had been put back in the switched-off oven. It was certainly cold by now, but the gesture moved him. How much can somebody hate you when they put your dinner back in the oven?

Joey went to the living room and popped his head inside. The lights were off, so he didn't expect Celia to be there ... but she was. He spotted her sitting on the carpet next to the bookcase, her back against the wall, her long hair covering her bowed head. Joey went in, switched on a table lamp and left the door open a crack, just in case Stephen woke up. He went over and sat next to her, his back touching the same wall. For a while, neither spoke.

'Is he okay?' said Celia, finally.

'He's asleep,' said Joey.

'That's not what I asked.'

'I know. But I think you already know the answer to your question.'

Celia let out a tearful sigh.

'I'm a terrible mother,' she said.

'No, you're not,' said Joey. 'You're just a terrible person.'

'Thanks.'

The two of them sat, not looking at each other, but hearing their mutual breathing. Celia took a deeper than usual breath.

'I'm sorry about earlier,' she said. 'I was mad at you.'

'Considering what you did with Bjorn, I don't—'

'I'm not talking about the other woman. I'm talking about Stephen.'

Joey finally turned his head to look at the woman sat next to him. Celia looked desolate. He and Stephen had not been the only ones crying their guts out this evening. She saw Joey look at her and moved like someone whose bones ached, reaching beneath her legs. She brought out a small box which he recognised as the paternity test, along with a large envelope. She handed them both over. Joey looked at the envelope and felt something in it.

'I took Stephen's DNA sample after fetching him from school,' she said. 'You have to scrape the inside of a cheek with one of those thingies. I told him it was a test for mouth ulcers. I didn't know what else to tell him.'

Celia's voice was cracking and her raw eyes filled with tears.

'He was so trusting...' she sobbed. 'Just opened his mouth and let me do it. You have no idea how hard that was for me.'

Joey checked the envelope's contents, fighting the urge to tell her to fuck off. It was so typical of this woman to lie to Stephen and then afterwards blub about how guilty she felt. But he let her do it, over and over again. No, worse than that, when Celia would accuse him of cowardice—of 'not acting like a man'—he would actually listen. He actually took her seriously! Sitting here now, Joey felt like a prize fighter who took boxing advice from his overweight mother.

'Well ... thanks,' said Joey, putting the box and envelope aside.

'I hope it's worth it,' said Celia bitterly.

'What do you mean?'

'I hope it's worth breaking up a family over.'

'This is just a DNA test,' said Joey. 'What broke up the family was you having sex with Bjorn.'

Celia's mouth twisted itself into a tiny knot. Joey half expected her to say, 'You're not still going on about that, are you?' But seeing as he had an answer to that, Joey reckoned she would make some reference to his night with Lorna.

'Aren't you being a bit of a hypocrite?' said Celia.

And there it was, thought Joey. He settled back against the wall, stretched out his legs and crossed his feet at the ankles.

'Go on, Celia,' he said. 'Take your best shot.'

'What do you mean?'

'Tell me how this is all actually my fault. How I neglected you in the past, forcing you into the arms of another man. How if I had only given you the attention you deserved, you wouldn't have slept with someone else. How my lovemaking was so uninspired that saying no to sex with a "real" man was more than your soul could bear.'

Celia scrambled to her feet. Joey's harsh mockery followed her.

'You're not even trying!' he said. 'Come on, tell me I've got a small dick. That always works!'

'Fuck you! Fuck you!' cried Celia, glaring down at him. 'You can mock all you want, but I'm the one who has to care for Stephen!'

Joey was on his feet, flying at Celia with frightening speed. She leapt back, hitting the bookcase as she tried to escape. The man grabbed the shelf on either side, trapping her between his arms, shaking the entire structure. A small vase toppled off and crashed to the floor, but Joey's wild eyes gave no sign he even noticed. Celia had a sudden vision of the man smashing his forehead into her face and she began to shake.

'Say that again...' said Joey with dangerous calm. 'Tell me you're the only one who cares for Stephen. Tell me you're the only one who loves him. Tell me finding out he's not my son isn't the single worst thing that's ever happened to me! Go on ... I dare you.'

Celia swallowed. She lifted her hands as best she could in the confined space in a gesture of surrender. She looked anxious, terrified. Joey slowed his breathing, but kept his hands on the shelf.

'I'm sorry, Joey,' she said. 'That was way out of line. I didn't mean it. I only said it to provoke you.'

'It worked.'

Joey glared at Celia. She swallowed again and kept her hands in the air. Slowly, Joey released his hold on the shelf and took a half step back. He regarded the cowering woman.

'I want you to take your things and move into the spare room,' he said. 'You can move back into the main bedroom after I find somewhere to live.'

'Joey! No—'

'Celia, just now, for a moment ... I wanted to kill you.' Joey's eyes were full of tears. 'I actually wanted to kill you.'

'I know,' murmured Celia. 'I felt it.'

'We can't stay together.'

'But what if the test comes back positive?'

'I think we both know that's not going to happen.'

'Then why are we doing it?'

'For Stephen. He has a right to know who his father is. We're not doing this for our sake—we're doing this for him.'

Celia put her hands over her face. Joey sighed and bent down to pick up the envelope and box. He looked at the picture on the front—the happy father and son. He shook his head and turned to leave.

'Joey, don't do this,' said Celia.

She went up to him and made him turn to face her. Despite the bloodshot eyes and straggling hair, Celia still looked beautiful. It made his heart ache, how beautiful she was. She touched his arms and lifted her chin.

'I love you, Joey,' she said. 'I love you. I promise you, I have never felt more love for a man than I do for you right now.'

'I believe you,' he said. 'The thing is, that isn't really saying much.'

'What do you mean?'

'Celia, your love is like the sunshine. It's beautiful and warm when it's there, but when the weather changes it's gone. And when it's gone, it gets very, very cold.'

Celia stared at him. Her hands fell away.

'If it's any consolation,' said Joey, 'I don't believe you ever meant to hurt me. I could have been any man and you would have behaved in exactly the same way. The truth is, Stephen is the only man you will ever really love. The rest of us ... are means to an end. Ways for you to get what you want. Even Bjorn.'

Joey walked to the door, opened it wide and paused in the doorway.

'Good night,' he said.

Joey closed the door and went along the hall to the kitchen-dining room, feeling like a man at the end of a long journey. Despite being dog-tired, he felt curiously light and, as he cleaned up the dinner plates, he realised he was humming to himself. He had finally made the necessary decision.

He was free.

***************************

At about the same time, in a third-floor apartment, Lorna sat at her table staring at her tablet. Also on the table were a glass of water and a small box, not dissimilar to the one for the paternity test. But this one was labelled 'Emergency Contraceptive' and the unfolded piece of paper informed Lorna that it would be most effective when taken within twenty-four hours of sexual intercourse. That deadline was fast approaching.

But Lorna couldn't get Joey's story out of her head. She was on the Internet reading about male fertility and the more articles she read, the more she was convinced that Joey's wife might be right—that Joey was infertile. After all, if that woman got pregnant after one night with that Swedish guy, there clearly wasn't anything wrong with her 'equipment'. Joey probably had a low sperm count or something.

But low sperm counts didn't make pregnancy impossible—just very, very unlikely. 'One chance in a thousand,' said one depressed wannabe father. Which meant that if by some miracle Lorna had actually conceived, she would be aborting Joey's baby by taking the Morning After pill. It was clear to her that he was devastated by his wife's deception and that he would love to be a 'real' father. Lorna imagined telling him she was pregnant and seeing the look of surprise and then joy on his face.

She switched off her tablet and put her palms on the tabletop. Joey had fucked her on this table and put sperm in her body. Okay, the sex in the bedroom could have been a man getting back at his cheating wife, but this fuck had been different. This one had been for her. Lorna looked over at her Buddha candleholder. The tea light's flame in the Buddha's lap made the illuminated face seem to smile back. 'Trust the Universe,' it seemed to say. 'The odds are a thousand to one ... but if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.'

Lorna picked up the glass and took a drink of water, but she did not take the pill. Instead, she got up and took the box to the bathroom, putting it back in the cabinet. She closed the mirrored door with a click and looked at herself. After a moment, she re-opened the door, took out the box and emptied its contents. The tiny pill was in a sealed package. She pressed it out, dropped it into the toilet and pushed the chrome lever. The pill disappeared in a gushing swirl of blue water.

Lorna stood and watched it go, crushing the box in her hand.