This is How We Change the World Ch. 01

Maddy sighed and slumped deeper into the chair. Gertrude offered her the flask again, and this time the liquor didn't burn as badly.

"Family issues," she said vaguely.

"Ach, ja," Gertrude said. "Been there, never again."

Maddy glanced at her, and Gertrude cheered back with her flask.

"Me and Klaus, we moved here together. He had big plans. Big, big plans. But then he started drinking, and the plans got crazier and crazier, and when he died it was kind of a relief. I don't know everything he got up to, but that all passed with him. So then it was just me, baking pretzels, minding my own business. Better alone than in bad company, oder was?"

A voice carried over from the kitchen, someone was looking for Gertrude. She threw her meaty hands up theatrically, then struggled up from the low, soft chair. "Pretzels, pretzels," she muttered. "Neverending fucking pretzels."

Gertrude got to the door, then stopped to look back at Madalyn. The light came from behind her bulky figure, so her expression was not visible, but her voice was soft when she said, "Das Leben ist scheiße, Madalyn. Whatever you're... whatever it is, it doesn't matter. Not really."

Maddy was left sitting in the gloom. She sighed, got up and started to gather the cleaning supplies. It was time to get back in the grind.

She had ended up on the night shift because one thing had led to another, like it so often did. She had worked on the morning and day shift for a long time. Years, definitely. Decades, maybe. That had left her evenings free to have time together with Amy and François. Then, after that fiasco at Thanksgiving, she had volunteered to take up the evening shift when that Korean girl had taken time off to have her baby, and then, when that one boy from the night shift had quit...

It didn't matter. What mattered was that she was hiding, and she knew it. She had used work as an excuse to not be around at home when the other two were awake and free, and she had wanted them to miss her, to ask when she could go back to her normal shifts, to... to notice. And she wasn't sure if they had. Both of them had taken it in stride, and despite having almost zero time together with her they seemed just fine.

Just before she stepped out into the hall it hit her, making her stop where she was.

She didn't miss them either. She didn't care how Amy's new teammate had settled in. She wasn't interested in François's quarterly review, or worried if his grandma was getting better. She didn't even miss the sex, though to be honest it hadn't been that long, because for that the other two seemed to always make time on weekends.

What does that mean? she wondered, when she was stuffing the mop back into the cleaning closet. Does it have to mean something? Why am I thinking about this? Just forget it, Maddy, okay? It's time to get back to the pretzels. The neverending fucking pretzels. That last thought made it easier to paint the smile on her face when she made her way back to the customer serving side.

***

05 Dec 2022

"Are you... Renna?"

Renna looked up from her magazine and smiled. He met her eyes for a second, and then drifted, minutely, away from a direct gaze. Looking at the freckles she'd carefully, subtly painted on across the bridge of her nose. That was good. She folded the magazine in her lap and tapped the seat next to her on the subway car. They were alone, which was not uncommon so late in the evening.

Meeting on the subway was not her favorite. Renna preferred the park, but sometimes these things were not ideal and sometimes she could demand a little extra for the trouble. This was one of those times, so although she was vigilant about the doors at either end of the car there was at least a theoretical payoff for her attentiveness.

"It's a hundred, right?"

"Mmmmhmmm," Renna said, scooting a little closer.

Lyric did not hook; Renna hooked. She was the one who helped Lyric cover her extra expenses. It was mostly just a name change; she had to say something when people asked, although Lyric still would have used an alias of some kind even if it was. In most of the ways which Lyric fussed about her performance, and her presentation, Renna was doubly sure, but there was also a skin deep thinness to Renna. She'd never gone through the trouble of developing any kind of backstory, or alternate motivation. Renna didn't want different things than Lyric, but she was more aware.

She had to be.

"Mmmm," she said, biting her lip, as she half turned in her seat. The man unfolded a newspaper, and she slipped her arm under his to deftly pick at his zipper. She could feel him growing even through the fabric as she tugged and pressed. "Gooood. I've been needing a thicker one."

"Oh fuck," the man said, groaning, and trying very hard to hold his paper nice and straight.

"Hel-lo," she said, greeting the cock as she worked it up and out of his boxers. She gave it a slow, luxurious stroke, and turned a little more toward him. "Out in public like this is a huge turn on, you know."

"Oh fuck."

Up and down. Up and down. She spit into her palm to add a little wetness. Squeezing a little more, and then letting off. His cock was normal sized—they were almost all normal sized—but she made a conscious effort to go all the way down, and then up until the head of it was in the middle of her palm. The slow pace gave them a little taste of the trip, from tip to root, being longer than it actually was, and it only ever took just a little bit of convincing. They all wanted to believe, and she made it easy for them.

She turned a little bit more, using her shoulders and elbows to draw his attention toward her cleavage. Under different circumstances, he might try to grope her, and she would have worn a less revealing top, but the newspaper had been her idea and it was good for keeping his hands busy. The view was enough for this guy, though. She could tell from the way his throat was tightening.

In the back of her head, she was counting the seconds until arrival at the Howard Beach station, and knew things were getting close, so she leaned in under his arm. "I'm sorry," she murmured, just loud enough to be heard clearly, "but I just have to—mmmmmm," and took him into her mouth.

"Oh fuck!" he groaned, stretching the paper wider around them. He only lasted seconds.

She could feel the newspaper falling slack against her as his arms wilted. She got upright, out from under his arm, and flashed him a big smile. He slouched a little, his own smile getting very lazy, and his arm brushed very purposefully against her breast as he reached for his pocket. Renna tucked a few stray, curly hairs back behind her ear and peeked over his shoulder, watching for signal lights outside. Her stomach told her the subway car was slowing down, and she did everything she could to not stare at his hands. She schooled herself to be patient.

The money came out. She gave him a little wink as she tucked it into her bra, and couldn't have timed it better as the doors opened behind her.

He wasn't following. He was getting off at the next stop, but Renna still put distance between them with careful speed. Once she broke line of sight with the car, she found a trash can and spit out the mouthful of cum. She had a piece of gum all ready, and was chewing a few seconds past the bin. Lyric did not mind the taste of cum, but Renna never swallowed with johns.

She was fully Lyric as she went up into the station, crossed over, and came down to wait on the other platform. Purse strapped across her body, with one hand resting on the zipper. Her taser was nestled just inside, in a special pocket right at the top. In her other hand, tucked ever so slightly up into her sleeve, she was palming a bottle of pepper spray. The guy had seemed nice enough, but he wouldn't have been the first john to pay and then follow her to try and get it back.

She put her ear buds in her ears, but didn't turn on any music. At night, on the subway, she couldn't afford the distraction. She had to be vigilant for the real threats, and then the appearance of unapproachability kept away the nuisances. Mostly. The subway, at night, wasn't a great place for any woman alone, let alone a trans woman. Her heart was beating pretty hard all the way back to the Bronx.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," she muttered to herself. He'd been ready to pay her up front, which she knew was so important, but she'd been too focused on the timing, and getting off at JFK, and watching the doors, and wanting to make that right first impression, that she'd been too eager. Too quick to get started. It was a rookie mistake, one she'd made before and paid for, and thought she'd learned from. The hundred bucks had barely been worth the risk, but her clinic visit was coming up and her meds were running out.

It was nearly midnight when she got back to her apartment, locked her door, made her cursory check around the apartment for intrusion, and then finally breathed a sigh of relief.

***

06 Dec 2022

"Mads!"

"Hey!" Maddy said, turning from where she stood at the bar.

Her friend Megan slid in next to her, making a little bit of space by elbowing the guy that had been next to her, trying in vain to strike up a conversation, out of the way. She gave Megan a light side hug, while keeping one hand on her beer.

"What's going on? Why so urgent?"

"Ahh," Madalyn said, shaking her head and staring down into her cup, "I just... I need you to tell me I'm being stupid."

"You're not stupid," Megan said, as she flagged the bartender and pointed at Madalyn's beer.

"No, it is. I am. I'm blowing this whole thing out of proportion, and I... I know it's all in my head. I need to hear it from someone else."

"Someone else," Megan said, slowly, "who isn't Amy or Frank?" She gave Madalyn an arched eyebrow, and grunted when Maddy nodded. "Okay. Is this about them? I can't think of why you wouldn't just go to them."

"I've been with Amy for, what... almost twenty years now? That's more than half my life."

"Are you... regretting that?"

"No, never. I just... I keep picking up on these stupid, pointless... things, and... making it about me. God, I'm so needy."

"You?" Megan said, as she gave the bartender a polite smile and slid a folded bill across the bar. "No. Unambitious, maybe—"

"Mmm," Maddy grunted.

"—but needy? No. You're, like, the least needy person I've ever met." It was warmer inside the bar than it had been outside, in the cold December air, and Megan unwound her scarf and started opening up her jacket.

"Okay. Here. How would you interpret Amy and François plus Maddy?"

Megan just blinked at her.

"That was how Stella's invitation was worded. Them plus me."

"Oh that's right," Megan said, her eyebrows rising. "The wedding!" She rolled her eyes and took a sip of her beer. "She didn't bother inviting me to this one after I laughed at the last one."

"Plus!" Madalyn said, exasperated. "That's not how you concatenate partners!"

"Ooo, ten dollar word!" Then she saluted Madalyn with her beer. "Now, are we talking ampersands and plus signs, or were those words spelled out?"

"Symbols," Madalyn said, sulkily. "It could have just been a typo, but the last time it was Amy comma Maddy comma Frank."

"Well what are we really talking about here," Megan said, turning and planting her elbow on the bar. "Are we talking about you three, or Stella's impression of the three of you? Do all four of you still hang out that much?"

"Her and Amy take a yoga class," Madalyn said. "They brunch sometimes, on Sundays."

"When you're working," Megan said, speaking the unspoken part.

Madalyn nodded.

"Does Frank go to brunch?"

Madalyn continued nodding, and quietly mouthed "Yeah."

"When was the last time you saw Stella?"

Madalyn tilted her head back, drinking deeply, and stared up at the ceiling as she swallowed. "Housewarming party for Bob and Joan?" she answered. "Last year?"

"Okay," Megan said, waving her hands. "I've got it. I've got it. Okay. I want you to picture word in your mind."

"Word?" she asked, incredulously.

"Yeah. Word. Like, word."

Madalyn barked a laugh. "Do you mean Microsoft Word?"

"Yeah," Megan said, "obviously." She rolled her eyes and continued, saying, "Okay, so, imagine... what's the word... justified. Justification!"

"Okaay," she replied, slowly.

"Picture the words on the letter, right? The way it was written. Was it centered for Amy and François, or was it centered for Amy and François plus Madalyn?"

Madalyn's blood ran a little colder in her veins. "It was off center."

Megan's jaw dropped. "Okay, I'll admit, I was pretty sure I had just knocked it out of the park but... it was?"

"Yeah." Her voice slowed and quieted a little more with every word. "I just thought it was a little sloppy, but... it was centered just right for two names."

Megan reached over, slowly pushing up on the underside of her wrist, and after a little bit of pressure Maddy was raising the glass to her lips again. The other woman turned to the bartender and waved two fingers.

"That's right," she said, still pushing up on the bottom of the glass and smiling nervously. "Keep drinking. Also, fuck Stella."

Maddy fought her hand free. "Actually, now that I think about it..."

Megan raised a finger and looked at her pointedly.

"Observe and assess?" Maddy asked.

"Yes," Megan confirmed.

It was a gesture and a phrase they'd used while working in a bar together back in the day. If something seemed to be off with one of the patrons, it was easy to start to see all their past behavior in a highly susceptible light. It was better to keep an eye out and observe the situation calmly for a while, and then assess if it should be pointed out to the bouncer or the cops.

A few hours later, on her way home, Maddy wondered how it was that she only had one friend she didn't share with Amy and Frank. Sure, they had been together for a long time, but when she and Amy had been young they both had had extensive, separate social circles. Now that she thought about it, Amy still did. What had happened to hers?

***

10 Dec 2022

Lyric sipped the awful sludge these people called coffee and eyed the room cautiously. She had been coming to this same group for over a year, and most of the faces were familiar, but it still made her uncomfortable. She pressed deeper into the old, lumpy couch and waited for the session to start.

"Hi everybody, welcome friends," said Benjamin and raised his scrawny arms for attention. Everyone muttered some kind of a greeting.

Evelyn stood up beside him, smiling a tense smile. She had just recently started to host the sessions with Benjamin, and was still very nervous. She kept pulling her pink hair back into a ponytail, then untying it a few minutes later, and then again. Nervous as she was, her voice didn't waver when she joined in. "As always, we'll start by going through our safer space principles. Yes," she said pointedly when a grumpy, goth-styled young man slumped into a sofa with a groan, "it is important we go through these every time. Our first principle is confidentiality..."

Lyric let her mind wander when she listened to the familiar list. Even as going through the principles every time felt tedious, it also made Lyric feel more at home. Confidentiality, she thought to herself. Discrimination free zone. Self-determination and in-determination right. Good will. Respect. Such good principles. Why couldn't everyone just always be cool? She furrowed her brow slightly and tried to concentrate. Bringing up things. Giving space. Not greeting others outside the group without specific consent.

She looked at other participants when she thought they weren't looking her way, and wondered who would be in the same group with her today. She noticed that Sam wasn't present, and wondered about it. She was sure they had said they'd come today, and was hoping to commiserate about the indifference to a petition she'd tried to get signed at her work. She made a mental note to reach out later.

Lyric sipped mechanically, though she had taken the coffee more to have something in her hands than because she was thirsty. As always, she'd filled out the web form in advance, and one of the questions was What do you want to discuss today? As always, Lyric was now certain that nobody else had wanted to talk about the same thing, and was uncertain what she wanted to say about it anyway. She hoped her subgroup today wouldn't be hosted by Evelyn, cute as she was, because her nervousness tended to infect Lyric.

Benjamin went through the lists for each subgroup, which today would be three, and to Lyric's delight hers was hosted by Benjamin and they would stay in the main room so she could stay where she was. She had a good spot at the corner of the big sofa, and liked that she could just stay put and not get up and draw attention to herself. She'd worn a shorter skirt today than she did normally, because this was an environment where she felt most comfortable pushing her limits, but it wasn't easy to keep up that courage.

In the same group was a girl who was in a turbulent phase of her transition. Today she went by the name Rose, and had dressed to look the part in a rose pink shirt and matching nail polish. She spent a long and rambling introduction pondering on whether Rose was the name for her, and how it was so difficult to decide, because it would then be forever, and oh god, how did her parents ever pick a name for her, and... Benjamin had to politely cut her off to get the introduction round moving.

Lyric had wanted to talk about the incident at the pharmacy. She kept her introduction short, just to counterbalance Rose, and besides they mostly knew each other. She kept formulating the thoughts in her head, so that she would be ready when it was her turn. She had practiced this at home, but it was always more difficult to do this in person.

Sebastian was the first to have a turn after the introductions. He cleared his throat, and looked down into his hands when he started. "You know that I'm out at work, and they've all been mostly good about it?"

The group murmured affirmingly. Sebastian sighed and frowned. "Okay, so. We went out for a beer after work on Friday. Just a few of us, this small thing, you know. So we were in a sports bar. And then a few girls joined us. We had a few and watched the Jets game."

He stretched his neck and looked uncomfortable. His jaw had set in a very tight smile. "Okay, so. I think one of them was interested in me. She kept talking to me and laughing at my jokes."

"Oo, and did she clock you?" Rose interrupted with a fascinated and horrified expression.

"Oh, no no," Sebastian said, simultaneous to Benjamin making a gesture for them to let him talk and not interrupt. "No, I think I passed just fine. But that's the problem, isn't it?"

He looked at the rest of them, as if daring them to tell him otherwise. He didn't continue but looked back down into his hands. Benjamin prompted, in a friendly manner, "What do you think is problematic about that?"

Sebastian sighed explosively. "Well, you know. So what if I'd hit on her, and she'd said yes? And then we'd go to my place, and... and then..."

They all pondered this for a minute. Benjamin nodded. "You were afraid she wouldn't have accepted you?"

"I know she wouldn't have!"

"Well you can't know, if you didn't already know her," Cassie said sensibly. "Maybe you were just overthinking."