This is How We Change the World Ch. 01

Maddy sipped loudly from her mug, which Lyric thought was some kind of signal that she was waiting.

"I don't usually let anyone see me without them. It's... unnerving."

"I hope it's not bad. I mean... I knew. Already." Madalyn was more wide eyed now. "I didn't know how to bring it up, but... you should feel free to be you in your apartment, so..."

Lyric just frowned. "That's the problem. I don't feel like me without them."

Madalyn blinked a few times and nodded slowly. "It's complicated, huh?"

"Yeah," she croaked.

"I can respect that."

Lyric picked up the pillow again, and cast about for a good change of subject. "Were you able to get a hold of anyone?" Then, after a long heartbeat, she added, 'To let them know where you are, I mean. So they don't worry."

Maddy looked down at the counter next to her, where Lyric presumed her phone was sitting, and took another long sip. "Yeah. I... I let them know."

Lyric had a little bit of a lightning storm in her brain, watching the tired resignation pass over Madalyn's features, and said, "Is it complicated?"

Madalyn nodded, and took another sip. "This coffee is terrible."

"It's a week old," Lyric said, snickering again.

At this, with a mouthful of coffee puffing out her cheeks, Maddy nodded slowly.

With great reluctance, Lyric put the pillow down and stood up. Her t-shirt and shorts clung to her narrow frame. "Um... I've gotta get ready for work. You're... of course... You can stay. You're more than welcome to stay."

"Okay," Maddy said, slowly.

"I mean, there's a box of stuff in the closet that please don't open that, but... yeah. Otherwise..." She gestured around herself. "It's not much, but you can sleep here. Again."

Maddy looked up from her coffee, but didn't make eye contact. "Really?"

"Yeah. Yeah!" she said, much more emphatically the second time around. "I mean, the cable doesn't work and the wifi is shit, the password is reaganfamily271, all lower case and digits for the numbers, but you're... more than welcome. I'm happy to help, really."

"Really?"

There was something in the way she'd asked, something in the way her eyes moved fractionally, that gave away something. A fragility, maybe, that Lyric hadn't known as there.

"Yeah, of course," she said, excitedly, as she moved around behind the couch. She kept the counter between them, to hide her shorts and her feet, but moved closer. "As long as you need. Seriously. I have more Ambien, if you... I mean... you're catching up on a lot of sleep, right? Another six or eight hours might help."

"It might," Maddy said, slowly, as she stared at her mug. "I was trying to wake up, but... I don't know what for. Can you take two Ambien like that?"

Lyric shrugged. "Sure. They're in the bathroom. Want me to grab you one? I need a shower." This pinged Lyric's awareness of where everything was in her apartment, and she realized that in her frantic racing through the apartment earlier, to hide all the things she thought Maddy wouldn't want to see, she'd forgotten to hide her meds. They were all just out on the counter. She said, "I'll grab one for you," and started moving.

"Okay," Maddy said, softly. "Thanks."

Just as Lyric was passing the kitchen, coming out from behind the counter and heading toward her room, Maddy pounced. Or, at least, it felt like she pounced. Lyric felt her wrist being grabbed, and she did everything she could not to flinch.

"Thank you," Maddy said, making direct eye contact.

Lyric twitched and twisted, shoulders shifting forward so that her shirt would hang over her front at more of a distance, just in case she was showing through her shorts. "N-n-no problem."

Maddy didn't follow her into the bedroom, for which Lyric was grateful. She dithered, trying to figure out how to do this with less privacy, and quickly grabbed all the clothes she'd need to bring into the bathroom with her along with a breast form. She could emerge later, fully clothed, and it would be fine.

It would be fine.

She got everything she needed, hid her meds under the sink, tucked in the back under her stack of toilet paper she'd stolen from work, and then hid that under a towel when she realized Maddy might recognize the brand.

"Here you go," she said, leaning around the corner, and laying the Ambien on the counter.

"You know I know, right?"

Lyric had made it almost halfway back across the bedroom, toward the bathroom, when she stopped in her tracks. "What do you mean?"

Maddy, still out in the kitchen, made a little grunting noise. Not irritated, but... something. "That you're trans."

It was one thing to be called out on her falsies—lots of women wore falsies—but having the underlying cause be a casual point of discussion made her feel like all the blood in her veins went very, very cold. It was another thing entirely. "Oh?"

"Yeah, I don't wanna..." It sounded like she might have sighed, but she wasn't coming any closer. "I mean, this is your apartment. You shouldn't be... Sorry. I'm not trying to belabor the point. I just..."

"You what?" She hated how her voice cracked.

"It's okay, is what I'm saying. I'm not gonna... I don't know what I'm trying to say, I just... I'm safe. That's what I'm trying to say."

These were words Lyric had heard before, and they meant little on their own. She would decide for herself how safe she was, but there was a little voice that was going against the grain, reminding her about the Brawl in the Hall. That was the reason she'd felt like she could bring Maddy there in the first place. So, although she only said, "Okay," there was a much more turbulent conflict going on underneath.

She showered, cleaned up, took her meds, and got dressed, and when she emerged from the steam-filled bathroom, she found Maddy sitting on the bed with her phone. Maddy made a very slight movement, eyes shifting a little and face shifting a little, looking somewhere in between Lyric and her phone.

"Your last name isn't Reagan," she said.

"Ambien hasn't kicked in yet, huh?" Lyric said, chuckling, but Maddy just looked at her. Here goes nothing, she thought, and then said, "I have an.. arrangement with Mr. Reagan. One floor up and one apartment over." Then, she added, "His wife is estranged."

It would be an exaggeration to say that Madalyn flinched, but she didn't not react.

Instant regret. Lyric nodded, painted on a smile, and headed toward the door before she heard—

"Wait."

She did her best to look bubbly and effervescent, which was as far from glum and rejected as her brain could manage, as she peeked back into the bedroom. Madalyn had sat up, and put her phone down on the bed beside her.

"Are you careful?"

"I'm always careful," Lyric lied.

"You know what I mean," she said, eyes lulling ever so slightly. "Do you have... precautions."

Lyric jerked a thumb over her shoulder, quirked her head, and asked, "With Mr. Reagan?"

Maddy didn't answer, but was peering very intently.

She rolled her shoulders and slung her purse around. "Taser," she said, pulling that out of its special little pocket, "and, if there's room to use it, like, distance I mean, pepper spray."

Maddy nodded slowly, staring at the floor, and said, "Okay," as she picked up her phone and settled back against the pillow.

Lyric had been all set to call the whole conversation a complete fuck up, but somehow at the very end, things had gotten back on course despite everything, and as she rode the elevator down to the street, she only felt a slightly elevated amount of anxiety and paranoia.

***

24 Dec 2022

"I can't believe you've just been bumming around at some randos apartment for four days," Megan said, from the other end of the line. "Like, I keep saying it, and it doesn't get any more normal."

"She's not just some rando," Madalyn said, as she rode the elevator up. "I work with her. She's sweet."

"Did you at least get laid?"

"She's like half my age," Maddy said, voice getting much quieter and much harsher, even though she was riding the elevator alone.

"Half your age is still legal," Megan pointed out.

"Oh fuck," she said, as she did a little division and got a little more depressed. "I hadn't thought of that. Thank you. Thank you for pointing that out."

"So, no sex then."

"Of course not. Don't be silly. She did something nice for me, and I'll... I don't know. Pay her back some other way."

"It's gonna be sex," Megan said, laughing. "You could have fled here, you know."

"Oh my god, for the last time, I wasn't trying to get away!" The elevator dinged, and she got out on her floor. Sunlight was streaming in through the west-facing windows as she moved down the hall toward their apartment. "It just... finally added up to too much, and I just happened to be not at home when I couldn't keep it together anymore. I'm fine now."

"Well, I'm glad someone looked out for you. I'm a little bit annoyed that Amy didn't catch it if you've been off but some rando did."

"She's not a rando!"

"That's not the point. How did your O and A go?"

Maddy was quiet for a moment as she stood outside their apartment, phone pinned between her ear and her shoulder. "If I'm being honest, it's maybe why I wasn't sleeping."

"That bad?"

"No," she said, shouldering into the foyer, "not bad. Just... indifferent." She set her purse down just inside the door, locked it behind her, and sighed. "Mmm. Home sweet home."

"I'm sorry, but indifferent is worse. What time do François and Amy get back?"

"Tonight. I don't think they've left yet."

"Just in time for Christmas. At least you're gonna be able to sleep in your own bed tonight. How was her bed? Rando McRanderson."

"Fuck off," she said, laughing. "It was fine. It was nice. She slept on her couch, and gave me drugs."

"I'm shipping you two in my head now, and Amy can just suck it. What does she look like?"

"Megs, stop."

"Actually, I know where she works. I'm just gonna swing by your shop and take a look for myself."

"Do not stalk this girl," Maddy said, emphatically. It was weird walking back into her bedroom, so she didn't. She stood in the doorway, staring without crossing the threshold. "I'm serious."

"No promises."

"Honestly, I'm just glad to get some..." Her senses pinged, neurons firing rapidly, and she looked back over her shoulder.

"Some what?"

"Stay on the phone with me for a second."

"What are you talking about? Is something happening?"

Maddy moved slowly, down the hall. She couldn't tell what she was hearing, but it was coming from ahead of her. The bathroom, probably. In her mind, she quickly ran her whole entry back through her mind. The door had been locked. Nothing had been touched. She called out, "Is someone there?"

"Oh my god, Maddy, just get out of the apartment."

"No," she said, stubbornly, as she put her hand on the bathroom door. "I don't think..." The carpet made a slurping sound when she stepped on it, padding and all. She pushed the toe of her shoes down just next to where she had been, and the carpet darkened. Wet spot. "Oh crap."

"What is it?"

Maddy pushed the door open, and groaned at the faint sound of droplets splashing. Her eyes went up to the ceiling, where there was a slight browning in the corner. "Ahhhhh crap."

"What?!" Megan yelled, now fully in panic mode. "Maddy, am I calling the cops right now? Shit, what's your address!"

"No, it's fine," Maddy said, sighing. "It's water damage. I was hearing water."

"Oh shit, that might even be worse."

"Megs, I gotta let you go. I need to make some phone calls."

"Merry Christmas to you, huh?" After a moment's pause, she added, "You're gonna go back to Rando's place, aren't you."

"Her name is Lyric, Megan!"

"Awww, that's a pretty name!"

"Goodbye!"

***

Her first call was to the super. Her second call was to the al-Ahmars, the family above them who were either at fault or also victims, depending on how high up the problem started. Then, finally, she called Amy and Frank.

Frank reacted the way he always did. Shouting, cursing, throwing things, or, like Amy sometimes said, throwing a tantrum. Amy reacted the way she always did. She was cool, composed, practical: her anger was cold ice and not raging flames.

"Okay," she was saying. Madalyn could still hear Frank cursing in the background. "Okay, so we'll need a place to stay for a while? We can do gifts when we get back. Frank, can we extend here for the week? No, fuck, this is a bad time. I have meetings all week with the sales reps."

"I'm sorry," Maddy said. She had the smaller suitcase open at the bed and was absentmindedly fishing for her clothes out of the closet they all used and throwing them in a pile on the bed.

"Well it's not your fault, is it?" Amy said. "...is it? You didn't pass out in the shower or something?"

Maddy laughed, but it was a joyless laugh. "Of course not! What do you think I was doing when you were gone?"

"Oh, I dunno," Amy said and then a little off the mic she said to Frank, "Will you cut that out? I'm on the phone!"

Maddy flinched. Amy was always so impatient with Frank when he was acting up, but that only fed the flame and made him more angry. Maddy was usually the one to mediate, but now all she could do was listen to the shouting match that ensued. A door slammed, and Amy came back to the phone.

"Brat. Hm. Where were we? I guess we could go to a hotel, but if it takes a while it'd be nicer to be somewhere with more space. And hotels are so..."

"Meh," Maddy added. Hotels usually weren't prepared to have three adults wanting to share a bed, and more than once they'd settled on having two rooms. "I'm not sure who would accommodate us for any length of time."

"Frank's parents have the room," Amy offered, "now that Marie moved out."

"Yes, but... his mom hates me. And they still have that cat, right?"

"I know, Mads. It's not ideal, but what choice do we have?"

"I'm allergic to cats! Even with antihistamines, my eyes will water the whole time, and—"

"I know," Amy cut her off. "Do you have other suggestions? Maybe we should go to different places? You could go to a hotel. I'm sure they have pet-free rooms."

Maddy frowned and stood staring out the window. The weather was gray and miserable, and she hadn't put the light on and it felt like the whole world was as gray and miserable as the light in the room. "Okay," she said slowly. "You think the insurance will pay for the hotel?"

"They should, but check with them first."

There was a knock on the door and Maddy turned. "I gotta go."

"Yeah, okay, let us know where you'll be staying," Amy said and hung up.

Let us know where you'll be staying, Maddy thought, when she crossed the room to let the building superintendent and the maintenance guy in. They did not look pleased to be making Christmas Eve repairs.

Let us know where you'll be staying, she thought, when she left them to examine the damage and started to fold the clothes into the suitcase.

She would not go to Frank's judgmental asshole relatives for anything, ever, and she had thought they were on the same page regarding that. All of them. And now... let us know where you'll be staying. So swiftly she had been swept aside at the first inconvenience.

Well no, that isn't fair, she thought when she listened to the men cursing at the bathroom. This wasn't a slight inconvenience. This was a big pile of shit, and she was very grateful she hadn't had to face this in the sleep deprived state she'd been in just a few days earlier.

She sighed and went to the underwear drawer. She couldn't stay at a hotel unless it was sure the insurance would cover it, she didn't have the money, and even when Amy and Frank did she was uncomfortable asking. She couldn't stay at Megan's. She always offered, but she lived with roommates and both them and their landlady were quick to ask if she was there permanently and if she would pay rent. Plus Megan's room wasn't that big, and it was in Yonkers. Frigging Yonkers. At that point, she might as well just go live in Connecticut.

Her shift started in an hour, so she just needed to pack up, get to work, and think about later later.

***

"So," Lyric said, as she wiped down the counter.

Maddy, who had just finished up with the last customer in line and was heading back to the espresso machine to clean the portafilter she'd dirtied, looked around with a kind of who, me? expression.

"I saw you come in with a bag," Lyric said. She'd spent hours trying to figure out what that meant, but Maddy had been even more quiet than usual and she didn't know how else to broach it. "Is everything alright?"

"No," Maddy said, carefully, "but..."

Lyric waited for a second, but when Maddy didn't add anything further, she put her hands up and said, "Okay. I get it. I won't pry."

The look that Madalyn gave her in return was incomprehensible. She looked upset, and confused, and maybe conflicted, and Lyric didn't know what to call the thing that happened to her heart when she saw other people in crisis, but it was happening to her right then.

"I take it back. I'm prying. What's wrong."

It wasn't phrased as a question. Maddy looked back over her shoulder, toward the front door, and Lyric did too, but no one was approaching the counter. When Maddy started moving toward the swinging door that led into the back, Lyric was just a step behind.

"I didn't want to say anything," Maddy said, evasively, "because you've already done so much for me, and I still owe you and really I don't know how to pay you back for that as it is."

"You don't owe me anything," Lyric said. She hated the part of herself that was so aware of her fragile finances, that was seeing an opportunity to get Maddy to give her some money, and suppressed it with all the might she could muster. Her situation was not so dire that she couldn't afford to help friends in need. Mostly. "Did something happen after you left?"

Maddy rolled her eyes. "Turns out there's water damage at our apartment. I got all of about thirty seconds of being back at home before I was packing to leave again."

"Merry Christmas to you!"

Maddy laughed miserably. "My friend said the same thing."

"Do you need a place to stay?"

"I do, but I can't do that. I don't want to mess with your holiday plans."

"Well okay then," Lyric said. "It's settled. You're coming to my place."

"Lyric, no, come on. That's too much. I can't take your bed."

"I'm assuming you don't have other arrangements, then? That's what you were looking down about? If you do, that's fine."

"I don't," Maddy said, shoulders sagging.

"What if I told you," Lyric said, biting her lip, "that having someone else around was... nice, and I liked it, and I was maybe a little more sad about you leaving this morning than I let on?"

Maddy's arms were around her neck so fast that Lyric was taken completely by surprise. There was a little bit of panic, because her breasts were pressing right into Maddy's and she didn't know how real they would feel in those circumstances, and kind of hated that that was where her mind went in a moment like this. She wanted to be compassionate and understanding, and maybe just hug her friend back already, but her arms were moving so slowly.

She got there, gently cradling Maddy's ribs, and when she did Maddy hugged her just that much more tightly.