This Isn't a Romance Novel Ch. 04

"I can assure you no protection will be needed," Henry said as he watched in horror as a bit of mayo got on Edwina's wig and she licked it off.

"Rawdog? Mad respect. Well, got to go save my woman. Have fun!" Dillon stalked off.

Henry walked up to Edwina and held out his hand. "Hello, I'm Henry Chen. I am so sorry for your loss." He managed to keep the cringe off his face as crumbs and mayo were transferred to his hand when she shook it.

"Eh. Earl was a shitty brother and I get his Nintendo Switch now, so this has been a net positive for me. Wait. Henry Chen? You're that Asian lawyer with the bubble butt that's screwing Nia. Did you come with her? And is that ass genetics or do you do a lot of squats?" Edwina inquired batting her eyelashes. She had overdone it in with the smoky eye making her look like a raccoon in a children's cartoon show.

"Nia and I are just friends now. I'm single and yes, I do a lot of squats. And I must say you look... ravishing," Henry managed to say convincingly.

Edwina reached into her large purse she had sitting on table and pulled out a nickel and threw it on the floor past Henry. "Oops. Can you pick that up for me?"

Henry resisted the urge to fake a stomach ailment and just smiled. "Of course." When he bent over to pick it up, Edwina grabbed his ass just like he knew she would. Henry's sigh was barely audible.

**************

The elevator doors opened to the basement and Dillon was stunned to find LaToya beating a muscular man with a metal chair. Here he was thinking he was going to save the day and be the big hero, but she had already saved herself. He loved her so much.

When Chet was unconscious, LaToya turned to look at her husband. "Hey, baby. Henchman taken care of. I just acted like I wanted to fuck him so he'd untie me and it worked. Like I'd go for a whooper that has been in the dumpster for a week when I have prime rib at home. Stupid motherfucker."

Dillon ran to her and pulled her into his arms. "Don't scare me like that again. Though I do have to admit seeing you beat that dude with a chair gave me a half chub." LaToya giggled at that. "Why did they kidnap you? Did you find out another secret?"

"Nope. Edwina just wanted my uterus. She knew we were trying. If I wasn't pregnant, she'd just have Chet over there rape me. It was all so Carol could eventually get another lover and so Edwina could avoid being the broodmare. I don't think Carol and Andre knew about it, but knowing that fucked up family they would have gone along with it. Now let's call the cops and get out of here."

Dillon thought about telling her about her mother, but decided that conversation could wait until they were safely out of this situation.

*************

"So, Henry, do you watch Supernatural?" Edwina said sipping a strawberry milkshake with a straw trying to be seductive, but looked like she was a homeless woman trying to suck the world's skinniest dick for cash. "You could be the Castiel to my Dean. Would you spread your wings for me, Henry?"

Henry was just going to assume that meant butt play. Call Henry old-fashioned, but he'd wait until marriage before he'd even consider letting a woman tongue him back there. He certainly wasn't letting this weirdo near that area of himself. "No. I'm more of a fan of The Flash and The Walking Dead. I've been meaning to watch Killing Eve. Have you read any good books lately?"

Edwina just shook her head. "I only read smut and I write it too. Mostly Supernatural, but some Riverdale. We can go upstairs and reenact one of my fics. You could be Archie and I could be Jughead and to become a Serpent you have to do a sexy dance to 'Shallow' from the awe inspiring A Star Is Born soundtrack," Edwina whispered with a wink.

Henry wanted to point out Cardi B. would work better for a sexy dance, but he had to stop himself from laughing at the mental image of himself twerking during the part of that song where Lady Gaga wails while Edwina makes it rain on him. "That is so tempting, but I don't want to take advantage of you. Shaking my bum in your face might bring up traumatic memories of your brother and I don't want to trigger you."

Before Edwina could respond, the elevator doors opened and LaToya and Dillon stomped right over to them. "Henry, you can stop fake hitting on this raggedy bitch. I'm safe and she's going to prison. Hopefully they won't let her take those wigs. The women in that prison are already suffering enough," LaToya declared.

"You were fake hitting on me," Edwina raged. "How could you?"

"Hey, I was just chatting you up. I didn't make you grab my ass and suggest bizarre fanfic oriented scenarios. Also, you can't just go around grabbing asses," Henry yelled.

Nia, Carol and Andre walked over as the guests just whispered and stared at this clusterfuck. "What is the meaning of this? We're trying to mourn my son. Yelling about asses is not appropriate," Carol reprimanded.

LaToya informed them what happened. "Yeah, Biracial Wednesday Addams really did all that. And before I beat the shit out of Chet, he informed me her blowjob was really toothy, so the bitch can't even suck dick right."

"Edwina! Kidnapping a woman without looping us in on it is despicable. You're on your own now," Carol said in her chilly voice.

Edwina was tired of this. Her mother fucked up her life and her solution to keep her happy had backfired. Edwina decided it was time for the nuclear option. She reached over to her large purse and pulled out a handgun. "Go suck Earl's dick in Hell, Mom." And she shot her mother in the face. Chaos ensued. A woman pressed the button for the elevator to come, but then thought better of it and ran away. Dillon tackled LaToya to the ground and covered her with his body. One idiotic teen cousin of the Riley family was just filming everything with his cellphone. Henry tried to get Nia to safety, but a terrified Andre pushed Henry out of the way. Edwina was raising the gun again to shoot her fleeing father when Henry stumbled backwards and hit Edwina in the face with his ass. Edwina dropped the gun and started rolling backwards disoriented from the accidental blow from the powerful glutes. The elevator doors opened, but the elevator shaft was empty. Edwina fell to her death.

Newspaper and online headlines of the days events were "Mommy Ass Stabber", "Killer Ass", "Dumbest Way To Die" and "You Can't Make This Shit Up!"

Later that night, LaToya knocked on the guestroom door and then opened it after Nia said she could come in. LaToya sat on the bed with Nia. "Do you need anything, Nia? Waffles? A therapist? Sleeping pills? A gently used vibrator?"

Nia laughed. "I think we're all going to need therapy, especially Henry. I imagine accidentally killing someone with your ass is going to be a new thing for the shrink to talk about."

"Henry shouldn't feel bad for that bitch being dead. His ass saved us all. Give it a parade, a crown and a sash, a special Henry's ass holiday. Shit, I want to hang up a picture of Henry's ass in the living room to commemorate its heroism. Henry's ass was Dorothy's house and Edwina was the Wicked Witch of the East. Ding dong, the cunt is dead," LaToya cackled.

Nia was really trying hard not to laugh. There were already memes of Edwina's death on the internet thanks to that cousin of Edwina's filming it. One was just a gif of Henry's ass hitting Edwina and her rolling back with the caption "Booty got me like" and another one was "Nobody: [blank] Henry Chen's ass: Pow!" Not to mention calling Henry the new Booty Slayer.

"How are you feeling after fighting mom?" LaToya asked. "That couldn't have been easy. Shit, I can barely wrap my head around it. Our bible thumping mother killed four people. I know Dad wasn't a great husband, but he didn't deserve that. None of them did."

"I'm honestly kind of at peace with mom. She's a broken, sad woman who really thought she was doing the right thing. I mean, I'm going to need to unpack some issues with my people pleasing and how she raised me to care more about other people's opinions than my own, but I think I'm going to be fine," Nia shared.

"I'm really proud of you, Nia. You figured out the identity of two killers and took them down. Shit, I'm the private investigator and I didn't figure it out."

"Toya, you uncovered the incest angle. Without that, I don't think I would have figured out Mom killed Earl and Patty. And you've been the best sister ever. Without you, I would have married Earl out of politeness and been attached to that horrid family. You got me a lawyer with a big dick who I'm fairly certain is going to be my boyfriend. You're letting me stay here rent free. Not all sisters would ride this hard if their little sister were in trouble. Toya, I stan you," Nia said with tears in her eyes.

"I stan you too, Nia," LaToya said hugging her. "But you aren't staying here totally rent free. You're doing some cooking and cleaning. And your first novel better be dedicated to me."

"Deal," Nia laughed.

Two weeks later...

Nia was on her knees in the woods, but this time not in a perilous situation. "Mr. Darcy, your member is so engorged. I previously thought you were vain, but I can see now that vanity is justified. May I suckle upon it?" Nia asked in her halfway decent British accent. She had really practiced it. She traced a vein on Henry's shaft with her tongue.

Henry had wanted to do this roleplaying in his bedroom, but Nia insisted since a lot of Jane Austen's novels involved copious amounts of walking, they should take a hike and find a secluded spot to fuck. They both were naked and just wearing hiking boots with a blanket spread out.

Henry nodded. "Well, Ms. Bennet, considering you've bewitched me, end my agony and suck that cock!" Nia got to bobbing her head until she had swallowed most of the shaft. "Yes, get it wet, so I can fuck those tits." Henry lightly thrust his hips and fucked her mouth his balls slapping her chin. "Look at that pretty mouth taking that dick. Nia, I mean Ms. Bennet, I adore you."

Nia's heart fluttered at the compliment. It was too early to say "I love you", but she had a feeling it would be coming soon. She pulled off Henry's fat cock and used her hands to cup her tits around it. Henry started thrusting his hips fucking her bountiful boobs. When the tip of his cock got near her mouth, she stuck her tongue out and was able to lick it a little.

"Fuck! There is nothing inferior about these tits, Ms. Bennet," Henry moaned as he stayed in character.

"Why, thank you, Mr. Darcy," Nia said without a British accent. "Now let's skip the pussy eating because I'm already wet and I don't want to get caught. And we can drop the roleplay this is hot enough without it. On your back. I want to ride you, Henry."

"Thank God." Henry regretfully removed his cock from the glorious hug of her breasts and got his back. Nia mounted him and eagerly dropped down on his thickness and got to riding. Nia slid down until she felt his balls touch her ass. She rode him at a leisurely pace while Henry reached up and caressed her bouncing tits.

"You're doing an amazing job, sweetheart, but could you give me a kiss," Henry requested. Nia grinned and lowered her upper half to meet him in a passionate kiss. Henry gripped her ass and then started thrusting upwards. His hips were a blur as he pounded into her. His heavy balls slapped her ass. Nia orgasmed so hard she squirted. She wanted to scream, but her mouth was still attached to Henry's. Then he flooded her with his load with his hips slowing down as he fucked his cum into her.

Nia pulled away from Henry's mouth. "You British bastard. Did I squirt? Wow. Didn't know I could do that. I think I might I have gotten the blanket wet."

Henry laughed. "Don't worry. I have other dry blankets at home. You can squirt on those as well." Nia playfully smacked his chest and giggled.

Meanwhile, Dillon had LaToya bent over his desk at his office. He was completely dressed in his suit save for his cock out currently pounding his wife into bliss. LaToya was naked with just her red bottom heels on. Dillon had one leg on the desk as he thrust into her. He was grateful that his office was soundproof so no one else at the firm could hear what was happening.

"Yeah, take Daddy's dick," Dillon growled as he pulled LaToya back as he thrust forward causing her to gasp.

"I'm going to cum!" LaToya moaned as her braids bounced with every thrust. Sex with Dillon was always great, but there was just something special about getting fucked in his office while he wore a suit.

"Yeah, I love that clench, babe. Cum on Daddy," Dillon ordered. And cum she did. Dillon was probably going to have to change his pants since they had pussy juice on them, but worth it in his opinion. "Where do you want my load?" Dillon asked once she was done convulsing in orgasm.

"My mouth!" Dillon pulled out and LaToya got down on wobbly knees and impaled herself face first on the dick. Dillon enjoyed a minute of vigorous head and then sprayed her tonsils with his cream. "Fuck. Thank you, babe. Was there a reason other than sex you came here today? You kind of jumped me the minute I closed my door."

LaToya gave the head of his dick a lick. "I'm pregnant. We got the job done, Daddy."

"You're pregnant?" Dillon picked her up into his arms and swung her around. "We're going to have a baby!" He sat on his office chair with her naked in his arms. "You have made me the happiest man alive. I love you so much!"

"Would you mind if I quit being a private investigator and just became a stay at home mom?" LaToya asked. "I'd rather be raising our kid than catching some middle aged man getting blown by his mistress in a moderately priced hotel. But then again, I've heard stories about men who resent being the sole breadwinner and it would kill me if it hurt our relationship."

"Babe, if you want to stay at home, I will 100% support you. I'm not going to treat you like you're less than because you're doing the hard job of raising our kid. If I ever do, feel free to tell me off and make me sleep on the couch for being a dumbass. And if you ever need adult conversation, you have Nia and I'm sure you can find a hobby or project," Dillon said kissing her neck.

"I have an idea! A true crime podcast! I'll tell the story of Booty Slayer and get out in front of Mitch Tusk and his sleepy ass voice. I could probably make some money off this," LaToya mused. "Though I'll need to get Nia's permission first."

"It's a great idea. And Nia will be okay with it." And she was. After a short phone conversation, Nia told her sister that if anyone should profit off her pain, she'd like it to be LaToya. And with that, the podcast Booty Slayed was born.

************

Donna nervously looked around the prison cafeteria looking for where to sit. Since pleading guilty and getting a life sentence, Donna had felt a weight lifted off her. Once her good name was gone, she was truly free. She no longer had to worry about what her friends or the pastor would think. She was a known serial killer. Though now she started to worry that her new situation would lead her to worrying about the opinions of her inmates.

An fortysomething white woman came up to Donna. "Hi, I'm Karen. Mrs. Johnson, you can sit with us."

"I can?" Donna asked surprised. "Really?"

"You're the Booty Slayer. No one is going to fuck with you."

She joined her new friends and laughed as they traded stories of murder and other felonies. For the first time in her life, Donna had felt truly respected. She had found her people.

A year and two months later...

Nia's romance novel British Bastard was published and became a bestseller. Nia liked to think it was because of her talent, but she knew the notoriety of the case gave her a boost and it was mostly well-received. She didn't even flinch when she read a negative review. Not everyone was going to like her or her book and that was more than okay.

LaToya's podcast was a raving success. Booty Slayed had been picked up to be a miniseries with LaToya and Nia getting producer credits. The only person cast yet was an unknown Korean American actor to play Henry who complained that he wasn't Chinese or British, but Henry did have to concede that the actor's butt most resembled his own of all the actors auditioning. And LaToya did put up a framed picture of Henry's ass in dress pants in her living room with the caption "The Hero We Needed." Henry was secretly amused by it.

LaToya and Dillon had a son named Samuel. LaToya was slightly annoyed that her boobs had gotten even bigger, but Dillon was thrilled. Sure, dealing with a crying baby could be tough, but he wouldn't have it any other way. It also helped that they hired a part time nanny. LaToya planned on being home most of the time, but she needed help while Booty Slayed was going in production.

And finally, Henry and Nia got married at a courthouse with just Dillon, LaToya and Henry's parents who flew in from London. Nia was grateful that while Mrs. Chen did have high expectations for her son, she wasn't a raving bitch or homicidal. After the justice of the peace pronounced them husband and wife and they kissed, Henry whispered in her that he promised to poke her with his boner whenever she was feeling down.

They had a casual cookout at her and Henry's house to celebrate the wedding. Dillon manned the grill while LaToya showed off little Samuel to relatives that hadn't met him yet. Nia was grateful that her mother was in prison so she could take The O'Jays off the cookout playlist. Now Beyoncé's "Love On Top" was playing. She went over to Henry and whispered something in his ear.

"Really? Right now?" Henry asked.

Nia nodded and led him upstairs to the master bedroom. "Drop those pants and face the wall."

Henry eagerly compiled and arched his back presenting his ass to Nia. She got on her knees and spread Henry's cheeks and kissed his asshole. She could hear Beyoncé on the sound system singing about kissing again and again. She then started tonguing his hole. She never could never imagine doing this with Earl or any other man. Henry was the one. And for this wedding, the only one who gets to eat the groom's ass is the bride.

The end.