TIG OLE' BITTIES 02

"This is another fine mess you've gotten me into." I found myself paying Ms. Minnie back for buying groceries pushing a lawnmower across her disheveled front yard in the afternoon sun.

It was hard labor taken out in trade that I would've much rather paid back monetarily, but my host would not be dissuaded helping out a little at the start mostly in a managerial role. Ms. Minnie was presently sitting on the front patio of her porch gossiping on her phone while having some cool iced tea.

My mind drifted to the blow up with Niecy as I screwed myself out of blowing an epic load all over her impressive knockers. For the slightest moment I'd nearly pushed inside her steaming pot, but immediately hit a brick wall. I kept pushing the lawnmower across the long neglected rectangular patch of frayed grass and dirt picturing her incredible body wishing I'd played the long game with her.

"HUH, OH FUCK!!" The mower suddenly got caught on something embedded in the grass kicking up a small dust cloud for a few seconds until I cut the power. Ms. Minnie was already running across the lawn like I was holding a live grenade as the mower shut off.

"Watch out, let me see it." I was unceremoniously shoved to the side as Ms. Minnie checked making sure the power was off before turning the mower on its side.

"I turned it off."

"Yeah but I like to be sure I ain't losing no fingers round here. Now you step on back a few feet that a way boy." I was offended at being treated like a kid, but acquiesced stepping back three feet or so. Ms. Minnie took her time getting down on her knees inspecting the underside of the mower.

"Just as I figured." She pulled what looked like a old railroad spike out of the blades examining it.

"What's that doing there?" I was curious because there wasn't any kind of railroad in the area and hadn't been even back in the day during my childhood visits. Ms. Minnie's face scrunched up as she stared at the rusty artifact suddenly tucking it away.

"Don't you worry yourself none about that; take this here mower round to the back. I'm gonna have to take it into the next town for repairing."

"Sorry ma'am, I didn't see it; was there a railroad around here back in the day?"

"MIND ME BOY, TAKE THAT MOWER BACK THERE BY THE SHED!"

Her demeanor was off putting but I followed orders like a good little soldier pushing the damaged mower back along the side of her house towards the shed. I glanced back over my shoulder finding Ms. Minnie stomping the railroad spike back into place underfoot.

She paid a little closer attention to my activities in the yard directing me to rake up errant leaves and shrubbery placing the refuse in a number of garbage bags.

Throughout it all, Ms. Minnie kept up a running conversation on her phone with multiple persons unknown while I toiled away sweating profusely.

"Hey Robbie, you hungry?"

"Robert, yeah." I corrected getting no reaction about the mispronunciation of my name whatsoever.

"What you want, some burgers?"

"I don't know, do you guys have a pizza place down here?"

"Of course we do Richard, we gots a real nice one couple miles outta town square. That what you want to fill your belly? A burger would go right nice with that pizza and you can get some extras too."

"Sure Ms. Minnie, thanks." It was obvious she wanted some burgers and I knew to just go with the flow. We walked over to the front porch where she presented me with a pen and a piece of notebook paper. I wrote down my order handing it over only to find her outstretched palm in my face.

I shrugged and Ms. Minnie followed up mimicking the action with her meaty shoulders.

"What?"

"GIMME SOME MONEY BOY!!" Ms. Minnie almost yelled point blank in my face exhibiting a visceral frustration that made me double up internally. I figured her attitude stemmed from the damaged lawn mower digging around in my pockets.

"Eh, sure ma'am." Luckily I had a random fifty in my pocket clipped from my hidden stash remembering Uncle Ed's instructions.

"GIVE IT UP!!" Ms. Minnie snapped up the dough walking off without another word. I watched her file into her vehicle and pull out burning rubber. Only after she was gone did I realize my scribbled order was still in hand.

"Bitch." Despite my irritation, I went back to cleaning the yard because their was nothing else better to do.

There was a floor model television in the living room but I found that I couldn't turn it on without the universal remote which was conspicuously missing along with my host. I guessed that Ms. Minnie figured I would slack off in her absence as I was distracted by a honking horn.

"ROBERT WHAT'S GOOD?!" Arnold was sitting behind the wheel of his pickup which I noticed had some peculiar looking tires in that all were thin spares. His girlfriend Daisy Mae was absent from the passenger seat which explained his familiar jovial nature.

"Hard labor."

I raised a plastic garbage can stuffed with trash as he got out of his truck leaving it in the middle of the narrow street. In the three years since we'd last seen one another, Arnold had added a good fifteen pounds of muscle to his torso while his legs remained comedically thin. He was wearing a white tank, baller shorts and flip flops and I couldn't argue with that because of the stifling humidity.

"Aw Ms. Minnie think she slick having you pick up her yard cause she got them tickets from the city inspector and shit. Lord knows her fat tail ain't gonna bend over picking up all this trash in the yard. She tried to get my cousin to clean up, but he flipped her off when she offered him five dollars."

"I'm not surprised."

"Don't tell her I told you this, but she got that dumpster over there after letting one of them city fellas get a piece."

"Bullshit."

"Serious like Robert, she thought the guy was gonna have some of them immigrant fellas come over and clean up the place. Heck last week she was taking a few shots at that dumb looking van them city inspector guys be driving round here checking up on stuff."

"They consider this place a city?"

"We got a mall put in at the edge of town and they're putting in one of them whole food stores next year like. Gonna be a lotta jobs round here for the people, probably more than uh, since that there can factory got closed down."

We shared a moment of silence in memory of his and Niecy's mother. She lost her life in a tragic accident and their step-father had run off with most of the settlement leaving the sibling s to fend for themselves.

I knew through family gossip that Arnold kept himself busy with a shit job just outside of Maplewood supplementing his income with handyman work. Niecy last I heard was in a nursing program at school, but now she'd hedged that bet for the intangible promise of tangent wealth through her idiot boyfriend Glendale.

"Be careful man, you should always worry when a whole food store goes up in your hood."

"Why?"

"Gentrification."

"What's that?" Arnold asked earnestly helping me dump a full can into the dumpster at the edge of Ms. Minnie's property.

"Lets talk about that later, I been here for a day or so and I ain't seen much in the way of females; well, except your sister Niecy a night ago." It was my way of testing the waters covertly with Arnold to see if she snitched. From my knowledge of him, Arnold was a pretty straight forward guy, but it had been a while.

"Yeah she told me you came by looking for me, but I was out with Daisy Mae." He gave me a slightly rough nudge meant to be partially playful, but also demonstrate his casual strength.

"Your girl who was in the truck earlier, right?"

"Only got one and she more than enough to feed the needy Rob."

"Never thought I'd hear you say that Arnold; say remember that time you got hemmed up by the sheriff for leaving his niece in that graveyard when she wouldn't put out?"

"If he didn't have that gun, I would've put my foot up his ass. A bunch of my cousins was over for a backyard party that time and we had his punk butt covered. Hell my cousin Randy was up on top of the house with his rifle while he was trying to get me to cuff myself."

"Shit man, that's fucked up." We shared a hearty laugh.

"That white girl had one big fucking ass talking about how we was just a riding and how she don't do that on the first date. I had to toss her outta my car cause I'm a lover not a fighter."

"You lucky the Klan didn't visit you."

"They could've come on down here and visit my house; just send them coffins back in the morning. Sides, I tapped that big white ass two week after I got outta county jail anyway."

"Really?!!"

"Yeah and that there blonde girl started a stalking the shit outta me fore Niecy had to explain thangs to her all woman like."

"Woman like?"

"Yeah beat her down Rob, drug that girl around the crossroad down there at the end of the corner. Niecy was just plumb tired of that female coming over every day looking for dick. I used to miss her sometimes cause she could suck a golf ball through a mile of garden hose."

"So now you're a one woman man, huh?"

"Don't you worry bout that none; you in need of company or something?"

"I guess Arnold; just kinda pissed and more than a little frustrated because a female fucked me over a couple of days ago."

"Really Rob, do tell what happened to you man?"

"Bitch pulled a Cosby on me."

"REALLY?!!"

"Yeah, I caught this female doing a fucking white line in my bathroom topless. Actually it's my cousin's friend and shit. They were staying with us because they were gonna be bridesmaids in a wedding."

"Was she hot?" Arnold asked probably missing the other details of the story outside of the topless woman mention.

"She's a fucking hype Arnold."

"Yeah but that don't rightly mean she wasn't hot."

"SHE WAS FUCKING HOT ARNOLD, FUCKING BAD ASS LIKE A PORN STAR!!" I blurted out angered by the memory alone.

"Did she have big tits?"

"Yeah." There was a pregnant pause before laughter ensued after I made this gesture with my hands demonstrating the size of Deana's breasts.

Arnold helped me pick up the rest of the yard as we got reacquainted managing to leave out my situation for the time being. We took a seat on this wooden swing inside the front patio of Ms. Minnie's home enjoying some generic soda she'd purchased from the general store earlier.

I used my phone to play some music settling on "Time Flys" by Janet Jackson as we reminisced about past hookups and shitty girlfriends. Arnold Belle had a wealth of experience but seemed to shy away from talking about his current girlfriend.

"Hey man, you really looking for a female?"

"I guess." I replied nonchalantly leaving out the details involving my failed episode with his older sister.

"You know I could run you down to the mall. There's tons of females hanging round there and all you gotta do is let on how you're from the city and all."

"My uncle told me about doing that."

"Man just make sure you buy the rubbers and it's a go in that there bedroom. The girls round here like going over to the Days Inn to get their freak on if you got dollars. Drop some change on a room and they'll fuck you all night."

"Serious?"

"Fuck yeah man; want me to run you over to the mall?"

"I thought you were a one woman guy?"

"What that gotta do with me driving you to the mall? I ain't doing nothing so my hands clean, but I can help you pick out a good one; sides I'm getting awfully hungry. Let's go over there Rob, they gotta food court for sure."

"Ah Ms. Minnie went to pick up some food; she'll be pissed if I'm not here when she gets back."

"Did you give her money for that there food boy?" Arnold raised a brow.

"Yeah." He slapped his knee laughing to himself. I didn't get the joke as he turned towards me guffawing like a donkey.

"Man when we was little, Ms. Minnie used to say to us "Gimme Five" and we'd slap her hand. Then she'd say like "Gimme five dollars, that is boy" and we'd laugh our asses off. My cousin Randy actually gave her five dollars cause he stupid and then got lumped up for asking for it back. Ms. Minnie loves that rifle of hers."

"So what're you trying to say?"

"You ain't getting no fucking food Rob!" I reclined on the swing folding my arms staring across Ms. Minnie's cleaned front lawn.

"Come on man, I'll run you down to the mall for some food."

"Sure."

Both of us started off towards Arnold's truck after I pulled up Ms. Minnie's door. I took the time to make sure my things weren't readily in view of anyone entering the house while Arnold invaded the fridge helping himself to another soda. Most of the things purchased by my host were more amenable to her particular palate. I bristled a bit at the thought of Ms. Minnie having a meal on my dime after I'd more than picked up her place and even cleaned out her fridge.

"Hey man, what's up with them bicycle wheel on your ride?" I had to ask.

"Where's your fucking car nigga?"

"Okay you make a lot of sense." I conceded.

"Aw man, my old girlfriend snuck up round the house and slashed my tires after I dumped her funky tail." It was my turn to laugh.

"GET YOUR ASS IN THE CAR AND STOP LAUGHING AT ME BEFORE YOU END UP EATING AN OKRA SANDWICH!!" The threat was enough as I slid into the passenger seat still giggling. Arnold grabbed the door handle just as his phone started ringing.

"Oh hold on, I gotta take this Rob."

"It's cool."

Instead of answering the phone at the driver's side of his vehicle, Arnold walked a good ten feet away from his truck leaving me sitting there. It looked like he answered the phone on face time holding it with both hands directed towards his face before he took another few feet away from the vehicle.

I supposed his girlfriend's ears perked up somewhere in town when he decided to take me to the mall for some lunch and a little female fishing. He stood down the road a bit for the next fifteen minutes bobbing his head like an obedient pet which made me feel annoyed a bit. There was no doubt Arnold Belle was seriously pussy whipped as he walked back with this forlorn look on his face.

"Hey man, sorry but I gotta make a few runs."

"The girlfriend?"

"Don't meddle me, I'll catch you up later Rob."

"Sure." I replied dryly stepping out of his truck. The mood was decidedly different as Arnold hopped behind the wheel speeding off without another word. I stood there in the middle of the road watching his truck disappear from view before scoffing.

"Daisy Mae."

I went back to the front yard considering my options from the patio. Social media searches saw my mother and company enjoying the festivities of the wedding I'd been banned from. I was specifically searching for some pics of Deana but found nothing beyond my cousin hanging out with my sister. It felt like she was hiding from me even when I found her social media page which had been switched to private effectively blocking me.

Together with Niecy Belle, Deana represented twin mountains of sexual frustration. The more I thought about the wayward BFF of my cousin, the more I got angry that I hadn't been able to at least plead my case before being banished to the sticks. Now she was living it up as I wondered if my cousin was imbibing a bit of the white horse as well.

This invariably led my thoughts to Niecy who'd admonished me for trying to get a piece. She was right, but I still felt as if she were a hypocrite despite being wrong. I pulled out my phone realizing I was still in possession of the sex tape I'd filmed before knowing it was in fact Ms. Belle "paying the rent" to the Chad in ownership of the land their trailer rested on for decades.

"Motherfucker." I pulled up the footage ruefully watching her getting railed from behind this guy who looked like a dim bulb Chris Farley.

This guy even had the nerve to buck up post interrupted coitus making me chafe inside imagining my fist smashing his stuffed reddened face into mush. Backroads Chad had been pounding her cunt probably for a while before I happened upon them. This made me bristle thinking a price tag was attached to her used cunt.

It felt like she thought I wasn't good enough to tap that ass because I wasn't some aspiring rapper goon or a enriched Zaddy with accumulated enrichment through obvious nepotism. I replayed the three minute clip repeatedly getting angrier by the minute as I thought of my friend being "whipped" by his girlfriend.

"Hey boy!" I looked up finding that Ms. Minnie had returned slamming the door of her minivan.

"OH YOU CAME BACK!!" She was carrying some plastic bags from a burger joint but stopped short looking at me with a furrowed brow.

"What, you thought I left you behind or something Robbie?!!"

"Uh Robert ma'am; I uhm, just didn't expect you back so soon." I danced on a verbal tightrope under her angry gaze.

"You ain't got no girl in there do you cause I already done told you not to lay up with none of these bobtail heifers round here! Now you gone and get that fast girl up outta my house before I put hands to you two!! HEY, IS THAT GIRL LAYING UP IN MY BED, HUH BOY?!!"

"NO ONE'S HERE MA'AM!!"

"Check yourself Robbie!!" Ms. Minnie warned stomping up onto the porch placing the bags down on the swing.

"There's no one in there." My voice drifted off as she stormed inside checking the premises for herself adding to my frustration. Ms. Minnie returned in short order snatching up the bags checking them like I'd went through them in the scant few minutes since she was gone.

"Your pizzas are on the back seat along with some drinks and another bag of groceries. Hurry up and have your lunch, then I want you to give my car a wash; uh after you clean it out boy."

I didn't say anything letting my expression do the talking unintentionally.

"Problem?"

"Huh?"

"We got us one of them there problems is what I'm asking boy? I think right here and now, I think I'm seeing some of that youngblood attitude or something right here! I think we might have to knuckle up with one another; what you think boy?" She set the plastic bags down again probably expecting a fight, but I knew better and I didn't have an exit strategy either.

"I- uhm, I don't have a problem Ms. Minnie."

"You sure?"

"Yes ma'am; would you like me to clean your vehicle right now instead of later?" I folded internally screaming in rage, but her features softened after a few minutes.

"Ah you can do it later, come on inside and have something to eat. Maybe you might wanna rest a spell before you get to it, but get it done before nightfall, okay Robbie?"

"Yes ma'am." She still mispronounced my name, but I went with it as she disappeared inside with the plastic bags of food.

I found two boxes of bargain pizza on the backseat along with a cardboard cup holder with some sodas and one already melted vanilla shake. There was a light brown wig sitting next to the boxes looking like it had been discarded by Ms. Minnie as she drove.

The inside of the minivan reeked of perfume as I noticed the cheap bottle in one of the center cupholders. A narrative formed in my head softening my anger as I approached the front door within earshot of Ms. Minnie's current phone conversation.

"WASN'T NO CATFISH DEON, HE DIDN'T EVEN SHOW UP!!" My suspicions were confirmed making it proper etiquette to hang back and listen. I stood just a few feet away from the screen door listening as she continued.

"Hell nall Deon; why would I tell him about hooking up with Eddie, huh? You just, girl you about a whole bucket full of dumb if you think I'm going about telling my business on the streets. Sides Eddie couldn't get the job done, only gave me ten minutes of dick. I been a feigning something fierce as of late girl. FUCK NO!! I'm pretty damn sure I swiped right on that there tender app! Heck even tried uh, Grinder but ain't nothing on there but gay guys!!"