To Share or Not to Share?

"You'd better see for yourself."

I dressed and emerged from Jim's tent. Looking around, our tent and gear were all gone. My pack was left propped against a tree. Mark had gone.

I noticed something odd where our tent had been and walked over.

There was a stick planted in the ground. Tied to it were my white undies. His wedding ring was attached to a bra strap. It suddenly dawned on me -- he had left a surrender flag! - SHIT SHIT SHIT!

Why had I given in to this dumb idea of Mark's? I was hoping he would just see it wasn't really as enjoyable as he thought and give up on his obsession. Admittedly our performance last night had been a bit over the top and I never thought I would ever let him watch. Maybe I had gone too far and wrecked everything?

I started crying and eventually Jim came to me and wrapped me in his arms and held me until the sobs subsided.

"He has a good head start and we can't catch him. How about we have breakfast, pack up and walk down to the trailhead. I can drive you home." I nodded.

During our breakfast of leftover trout I had time to think and calmed down. I came to a decision.

"Jim, I think it's better if Mark has some time to himself to cool down and think about what he really wants. I need time away from him to think about what I am going to do as well. So if you are okay, I want to stay another 2 nights to the end of the weekend as planned ...... with you."

"You sure it wouldn't be best to go home straight away?"

I told Jim, haltingly at first, the whole story of Mark's obsession of sharing me with other men, our fantasy role playing, him pushing me to do it for real, and why I had eventually agreed to do it to try to 'cure' him. I left out nothing.

At the end Jim said, "You know counselling may have been a safer option."

"Believe me I tried many times."

"He didn't look like he was getting a lot of pleasure watching us last night."

"I am actually glad about that. Good move to suggest I look directly at him to drive it home, though at some stage I just lost it and forgot all about him."

"He watched the whole thing. I think he went to bed after we dozed off."

"I hope Mark can get past what he saw."

"It can be hard to us-see some things, I know from experience."

"Yea, but looking back now, the more I think about it, the angrier I get with Mark. If he can only get his kicks when another guys fucks me he can't really love me. I guess I am at the point now where I can't stay with Mark if he insists on sharing me again. It's just not normal and not right. It cheapens our marriage and me as well."

"I can tell you one thing Julia, if you were mine there is no way I would share you with anyone else. You are far too precious."

"I should apologise, I used you Jim. I hope you are not angry with me."

"Julia that was the best night I have had for years, even with Mark watching, which was a bit weird by the way. Feel free to make use of me whenever you like," he laughed.

We went down to the rock by the lake to wash off all the sex from last night. This time I unashamedly stripped naked with him and jumped into the water. Afterwards we dried each other. I ran my fingers gently along his scars then kissed them better. He held me tight and kissed me back.

We spent a lovely day together exploring and talking.

At one point I asked him, "why is lovely man like you not married?"

"My ex-wife got sick of me being away so often and dumped me during one overseas deployment. When I got back she had taken off with another man to the other side of the country with my two daughters and all of my stuff."

"When was that?

"Just over two years ago now."

"Do you still see your daughters?"

"I try to see them as often as I can but their mother makes it very hard. I gave up the military so I didn't have to go away any more. I miss them so much and they are growing up without me. Amy is seven and Holly is nine. I am worried about them too. Their step-father is a real slimy character and as it turns out my ex. is little better."

I gave him another a big hug. He had been quite damaged by his ex. I realised I was being let inside his emotional fortress which was, I suspected, a privilege rarely given to anyone. The more I got to know him the more I liked what I saw. I realised he was a very special man.

For fun he taught me some bush survival skills like lighting a fire with a flint, build a shelter and how to find bush food. He also taught me some self-defence skills. He kept saying, if you ever need to use these don't be squeamish, go for the eyes or groin as hard as you can first time.

Later in the day I watched him trap two small ducks with a snare he made and we had a delicious BBQ duck dinner. Pity no red wine to wash it down.

That night we laid our sleeping bags in front of the fire.

"You know what I said this morning, about when I left the tent."

"The one-time thing?"

"Yes ...... well I have changed my mind, woman's prerogative. Anyway my 'leave-pass' is valid to the end of the year, so technically it's okay."

"I won't argue with that Julia."

We made love again that night, less frantic than the first time and much gentler. I realised Mark was right about one thing, a strong sexual curiosity about another man had awakened within me. I just hoped I could put the genie back in the bottle.

The next day and night were a repeat of the former, but then on the last morning we packed up after breakfast and trekked down to his car.

We were mostly lost in our own thoughts on the drive back. What state would Mark be in? Does he still want me? Has he been 'cured' of his obsession? If not, is that the end of our marriage for me? There was also Jim. I was so drawn towards him. What would happen between us in the future?

As we approached my place Jim said, "The last thing I want to do is break-up your marriage. I know first-hand what that's like on the receiving end. You two have a lot to work out and you don't need added complications. So maybe it's for the best if we don't see each other again."

I felt so deeply sad at that prospect, even though I knew he was right.

"But if it doesn't work out between you two, I really hope you will look me up. Can I ask though that before you do that, you are 100 % sure it is finished with Mark. I couldn't handle being left again."

At my place I gave Jim a last kiss and then went inside, to what reception I was not sure.

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I dumped my gear inside the front door and went searching for Mark. I could hear the TV blaring in the lounge room. Walking in, there was Mark on a lounge chair. The place look a total mess with empty food containers and bottles strewn everywhere. He had been drinking.

"Hey Mark, I'm back."

"Oh, had enough of that big cock or just dropping home for a change of clothes before another go."

"Mark don't be like that!"

"Where have you been for the last two days?"

"Where you left me when you ran away."

"You didn't follow me."

"Well you obviously wanted to be alone or you wouldn't have gone off."

"Do you blame me?"

"Mark I did what you wanted at last."

"Doesn't mean I liked it."

"I saw you were jerking yourself off when you watched so don't play the complete innocent."

"So what!"

"You promised me no regrets Mark." I sat down next to him and tried to take his hand but he pulled away.

"You left me a surrender flag and the wedding ring I gave you the day we were married. Have you given up on me, because I sure as hell haven't given up on you? When I agreed to this you made me a promise to keep loving me afterwards and take me back."

He just scowled.

"Are you okay Mark?

"NO!"

"I guess the actual reality of what you have been wanting was a big shock."

"Why did you have to do it Julia?"

"Huh Mark, I did exactly what you have been relentlessly pushing me to do for the last year."

"You cheated on me with that arsehole."

"What different reality are you in Mark? I never ever wanted to fuck another man, only you. I told you that time over time. YOU are the one who pushed ME into it!"

"Not with him I didn't!"

"What, you wanted it to be with some sleazy guy I picked up at a bar or one of your equally sleazy friends?"

"Yes, that's what my fantasy is about Julia, not some pumped up Boy Scout with a big dick. You ruined it for me."

"That is very sick Mark!"

I was so disgusted I walked away. That night I slept in the spare room.

The next six weeks were horrible. We hardly spoke to each other and when we did it wasn't civil. Mark either ignored me completely or when he spoke he just harangued me about what had happened. At one stage he even demanded I do it again with a guy of his choosing.

The effect of the stress was making me physically ill. Often when I got to work I would throw up breakfast. I was also an emotional mess and was often randomly reduced to tears over nothing. I always prided myself on keeping it together under pressure, what was happening to me?

I tried to get him to talk about it rationally, telling him I had just been trying to make him happy. I pleaded with him to go to marriage counselling. Nothing worked. He was being completely irrational and 'off the planet'. I was at my wits end.

One morning at work after throwing up yet again, I suddenly thought, "HOLY SHIT, I AM LATE!" With all that had been happening I just forgot my period hadn't come. Could it be the stress making me late? I was on the pill so I couldn't be pregnant. Then I remembered, when Mark left camp my pills were in the first aid kit he took with him. I had missed taking them for 4 days. I looked at my calendar -- I was at the fertile point in my cycle then. "Please NO," I thought.

At lunchtime I went out and bought a test kit. I watched it intently after peeing on the stick .... It said PREGNANT! No that can't be right. I peed on a second stick - PREGNANT! OH SHIT!

I suddenly realised, whose baby is it? Do I tell Mark, do I tell Jim, do I just quietly end it? What a mess - Fuck, fuck, fuckety fuck.

I sat on the news for a couple of days trying to figure out what to do. I decided I had to tell Mark for better or worse. Mark wasn't there when I got home from work. I had dinner by myself then watched some TV in the lounge room. Around 9 pm Mark walked in the door with some horrible guy in tow who closely resembled a gorilla. They had both obviously been drinking a lot.

Mark introduced his friend, Rob, and sat him down on a couch while he fetched them more drinks. I tried to decline but Mark pushed a drink on me too telling me not to be rude in front of our guest.

I didn't like the guy at first sight. He just sat and leered at me with a smirk on his face.

I tried a sip of my drink and recoiled. It was pure alcohol.

The two guys started chatting and I decided to leave them to it. I got up and started to walk out the door when Mark grabbed my arm roughly.

"Not so fast Julia, I've been telling Rob here how you like fucking strange guys."

"How dare you Mark!"

I tried to pull away but he held me in a vice grip.

"I told Rob he could come home and have a bit of fun with you. You know something like a spit roast with the two of us. You will love it."

"LET ME GO .... NOW MARK!"

Mark dragged me screaming over to John. "Don't worry Rob, the struggling is all part of the game. She likes to be taken rough."

Rob reached out and grabbed my breasts and squeezed hard. "Mmmm nice tits Mark, mind if I take a look."

"Go right ahead."

He reached out and ripped the buttons off my shirt and lifted my bra and exposing my breasts. He started to lick his lips and move his mouth towards them.

I was in a panic, but suddenly remember what Jim had taught me. I gouged his eye deeply with my free hand making him yell, then I twisted round and kneed Mark in the balls as hard as I could. Mark let go and dropped to the floor howling. I fled the house grabbing only my handbag from the kitchen bench on the way out. I ran and ran until I couldn't run any more. I found myself sitting in a park in the dark. I was in shock. I realised it was drizzling and I was freezing. I calmed myself down and got out my phone and made a call.

"Hello."

"Hi, it's me."

"You okay?"

"No, I am in big trouble."

"Are you safe?"

"No."

"Where are you?"

"In a Park." I sent him my location.

"I will be there soon, find cover."

I noticed a picnic shelter nearby and waited there shivering. 30 minutes later I saw a man with a torch searching the park. I was about to run again until I heard him calling me. I ran into his arms bawling my eyes out. He picked me up and carried me to his car, stripped off my wet clothes and wrapped me in a blanket.

"What happened?"

"Can you just take me home first please, yours not mine."

At his house he gave me some of his clothes to put on, 10 sizes too large of course.

I told Jim what had happened. Gone was the soft man. The warrior emerged and he wanted blood. It took all my powers of persuasion to stop him going back to my place and literally tearing Mark and his friend limb from limb.

After a while I calmed him down telling him Mark would get what was coming for him some day, just not from him please. "WE need you here with us, not in Gaol Jim."

"We?"

"Yes WE," I said patting my tummy. Sorry to dump this on you today of all days, but I only found out three days ago I was pregnant. You need to know it's probably yours, but I can't be certain."

He looked at me quietly for a moment. "I don't care," he said, as he wrapped me in his arms and kissed me. "You know I fell in love with you on the mountain Julia."

"Me too Jim, at first sight."

"I am 100% sure Mark and I are over, so I'm yours if you want me."

"Dumb question my love."

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The next morning I had a string of unanswered calls and texts from Mark. They ranged from angry calling me foul names to apologetic ones begging me to return. He sounded insane. I still couldn't believe Mark was going to help that guy rape me. He was a very sick puppy and needed help.

I sent Mark a message telling him that I was coming to the house during the day to get my stuff, with Jim for company, and if he valued his hide he would be absent from the house. He got the message and wasn't home.

I obtained a restraining order from the court preventing Mark from approaching me. In truth I was more concerned about what Jim would do to him if he came near me, rather than what Mark may do to me.

Jim and I settled in together at his house. What a whirlwind change. I was married to someone else only a very short time ago, now I was with a new man I hardly knew and with a baby coming. Jim certainly had no intention of ever sharing me with another guy, which was a big bonus.

Considering we had been thrown together by fate, it was remarkable that we became very close almost immediately and we couldn't have been any happier. We realised we were made for each other. I had to pinch myself sometimes to check I wasn't dreaming. Jim was especially 'over the moon' with the prospect of another child, even though there was no certainty it was his.

Despite Jim's protestations that he didn't care whose baby I was carrying, I wanted to be prepared in case Mark became an issue later on. I had an amniocentesis test and the DNA showed it was indeed Jim's son. I was relieved.

I got a letter from Mark through his lawyer. Basically he was begging for forgiveness and pleading for us to try and work it out, offering to go to counselling or anything else I wanted. I hadn't realised before, due to my inexperience with men, just how immature Mark was a person.

Even if not for being with Jim and the baby coming, what Mark had done to me was so bad thing that I could never 'un-see' it. I replied back to him through my Lawyer saying simply that I could never trust him again, my life had moved on, and I would be filing for divorce.

Out of the blue Jim and I had an added bonus. We had a call from child welfare authorities. Jim's ex. and her new husband had been caught dealing drugs. As they had been arrested with no bail, could Jim come pickup his daughters. He immediately flew over and brought them back, obtaining permanent legal custody.

His youngest Amy said gravely on meeting me, "will you be our new mum?"

"Absolutely," I said.

Both girls threw themselves at me. Turns out they had been badly neglected and ill-treated by their step-dad. They were so happy to be with their dad, and me. We bonded very quickly.

I heard back from Mark's lawyer that he was willing to sign the divorce without contesting, if I agreed to meet with him first. Jim was against the idea but I told him I needed some closure.

The meeting was arranged in a room at my lawyer's office. Mark wanted to meet me alone but I insisted on my lawyer being present. Jim insisted on at least waiting outside the door, just in case. He promised to behave, so I relented.

I arrived first and sat on the opposite side of the table. Mark arrived five minutes later. He looked nervous and white as a ghost. After sitting down opposite me and drinking a glass of water some colour returned.

"Hi Julia, thank you for meeting me."

I just nodded.

I just wanted to be able to apologise to you face to face for what happened. I know I became obsessed and it took over all rational thought. I have been having therapy and I understand now what it must have been like for you. What I did to you that last night was really inexcusable. I wanted you to know that I take all responsibility and blame for what happened to our marriage. I was hoping you may be able to forgive me for what I did."

"At the moment it's not possible Mark, but maybe someday."

"Then there is really no hope for us."

I shook my head.

"I guess I knew in my heart our marriage had ended, but I want you to know that I still love you."

"Mark it became a very sick love."

He nodded.

My lawyer pushed over the divorce papers to him with a pen. He looked at me mournfully, then signed. I followed suit.

I stood to leave. It was only then that Mark saw my huge seven month belly. His eyes gaped and jaw dropped.

"No it's not yours Mark."

As I walked out I stopped and whispered in to his ear, "I can't forgive you yet but I do genuinely hope you sort yourself out and have a good life. I did love you once."

The look of misery on Mark's face when I walked out showed I had achieved my revenge, as I had planned it. It was far more painful for Mark to see the woman he loved walk away from him than anything Jim could have done to him.

I told Jim later on the way home that Mark had looked terrified when he walked in. "Did you do or say something to him?

"Nope, just stared in his eyes as he came in." I had seen that look before, to others. I had discovered Jim had a very high protective instinct. He was normally a big teddy bear, but threaten his loved ones, then god help you.

"You sure that was all you did?"

"I swear I did nothing else, I was just sitting there quietly minding my own business polishing my combat knife to pass the time."

I had a laugh to myself, Mark must have practically shat himself.

I had made Jim promise me on his unborn baby's head that he wouldn't ever harm Mark. As I told him, I had come to realise Mark was only partly responsible for his actions as he had an underlying mental personality disorder that needed professional treatment. Yes I did love him once, but no more.

Jim and I were married in a simple ceremony only a few weeks before I popped. I looked a sight, like a baby whale dressed in a huge white tent ..... sigh.