Toilet humor

I'll bet you've been to restrooms countless times through your life, dear reader, and never really given more than a passing thought the plight of the toilets. But I'm here today to let you know about the true lives of toilets that you've never even suspected! No - I'm not talking about the colloquial term for some people's perverted sex fetish. I'm talking about the bowls, cisterns and urinals that you undoubtedly use every day. And I'm here to tell you that toilets are sentient beings!

Restrooms at work, at restaurants, in shopping malls and public toilets - perhaps you've never wondered why they are labelled as "male" and "female" toilets. Well the answer is that the bathrooms actually segregate the genders of the toilets themselves. Sure, there might be a tiny minority of unisex toilets, but in the main a toilet is either a male or female of the species. These wonderful creatures have dreams, goals, hopes, aspirations - and they have sex lives too!

You wonder how do I know all this? Well dear reader, I have been studying the lives of our bathrooms for years. I have been filming toilets secretly at night (no - I have not been spying on you!) and watching their behaviour when all the people leave and the toilets come to life, becoming animated and interacting!

Let me first tell you about the biology of toilets before we delve into their sociology.

A toilet has many of the same biological features as humans, and other animals but there is not a direct mapping of their anatomy to our own features. There are close resemblances, so I'll draw the best anaolgies that I can muster, but you might have to use your imagination.

The most common race amongst the species is the traditional Western sit-down toilet. Toilets have several orifices and the most obvious is the mouth, which is a large bowl endowed with a donut-style tongue and closed off by a lid-like lip. The mouth is where a toilet gets all of its sustenance and their favourite meals include shit, piss and any other sputum that people shove down the bowl. Toilets love to eat - it's a case of more is better, although they can suffer indigestion when too much starchy food is offered. But in general, toilets will eat almost anything if the size is right, and the stinkier the better!

The food is captured in the mouth and then swallowed down in one single gulp. The trigger to swallow is initiated by a tiny sensitive button on the top of the cistern, which is an organ that stores all of the digestion and sexual juices. Anatomically, the button most closely resembles a clitoris, and when it is touched just right, the toilet expresses its enjoyment of food so intensely that it breaks into orgasm after rolling orgasm, the juices turning over in its mouth until all of the food is consumed.

The cistern itself is filled from another orifice - a tiny thin pipe that supplies fresh drinking water to replenish its supplies. It doesn't really have an analog in human biology, but perhaps most closely resembles the trunk of an elephant.

Urinals are a peculiar race of the toilet species that have evolved to be unable to swallow solid food, and they thrive entirely on a liquid diet. Any solid food placed in the mouth of a urinal will simply sit there and rot. Sit-down toilets will look longingly at a turd layed in a urinal, but the urinal creature itself is unable to consume the delicacy. Humans will not tend to use that urinal any longer and slowly it will die of thirst and a lack of nutrients.

Toilets can, of course speak to each other. For years I've analysed the footage to try to decipher their language. The sounds of their words take the form of a sequence of random high-pitched squeals that seem successful a keeping humans awake at night. I call this language potty-talk, but it has proven formidable to translate.

From what I can understand, all of the gents share the same name: "John". And all of the lady toilets similarly share the same handle, in this case "Lou". As a result, when they discuss their own sex lives, it becomes very confusing. Lou says that she has managed to fuck John, but noone has any idea of who she is speaking about!

Now onto the interesting part - the sex lives of toilets. Of course fundamentally it's all about reproduction. A male and female toilet come together to mate and some months later give birth to a cute little potty or chamberpot.

But just like humans, the toilets engage in levels of perversion. I once witnessed a John sidle up to a washbasin and fuck her brains out. Some time later the poor thing gave birth to a hideous hybrid baby - which eventually grew up to become a bidet and was relocated to the home of a middle class family.

Some toilets are signposted as disabled toilets, and of course they sport some manner of handicap. Toilet society follows the law of the jungle and morals are low. It is not uncommon for a John to disregard the incapacity of a disabled toilet and take advantage. A John will be happy to fuck a disabled toilet, even to the state of complete incapacitation - and humans would recognise this from time to time as they come across a toilet labelled as "out of order".

The most common sexual practices between toilets involve the liaison between a male and female of the species, although gay toilet blocks are not unheard of. In the dark of night when all traces of humans vanish, my footage reveals that toilets mobilise themselves, breaking free from their fixings to interact. Commonly, we see the ritual of a female toilet approaching a male one, whose lid and tongue is always left open. The tongue from the Lou enters the bowl of the John and circles around and around in an act we call toilet rimming.

This stage of the mating ritual will extend for some time, and I understand that both parties to the act become more and more sexually aroused. The John will tenderly stroke the smooth porcelain skin of the Lou, and if you look closely, you can see the skin soften and become slightly flushed.

Then the female makes a choice whether to continue the act or to terminate the engagement. if the Lou decides that the male doesn't offer the genes or sexual prowess that she demands, then immediately she will flee the mating site - in an act that I call the running toilet.

If the intercourse continues, the John and Lou will come together and share in each other's bowls. The exchange of their fluids wil increase in intensity and they will each begin to stimulate the other's button.

The toilets will move around dramatically at this stage of the act. The John may approach the Lou's bowl from the top, the side or even behind. In an act which seems to have become more common in my recent viewing history, the John may even lift the lid off the cistern and mix the contaminated fluids from his bowl directly with the fresh water in the Lou's cistern. Although this is has become a popular act, it does not appear to have enhanced the birth rates of potties.

I have observed that most common sexual practice involves the toilets depressing their respective buttons hard at the same time resulting in wave after wave of flushing, gushing orgasms, the sexual fluids mixing intimately between the two bodies. They will settle together side by side in the same cubicle with the door locked, showing that the couple is "engaged". Then before sunrise, and before the first feeding visitation from humans, they will creep back to their respective male and female bathrooms to take up their stationary vantage points to sit through another day.

So the next time you visit a toilet and you're enjoying a bit of privacy in the cubicle, spare a thought for the amazing creature that you're sitting on and the incredible life they lead!