Touch Ch. 03

"I'd kiss you but you don't like the smell on my lips so..." I cut her off by pressing my lips to hers and she moaned softly into my mouth. I could taste my sweat, salty and bitter, but it didn't matter. Anything would taste good in my sister's mouth, I swear.

"Ok, we better go before..." This time she cut me off with a kiss and we really started to melt into each other. The passion that had seemed impossible not two minutes before swelled within us and suddenly I was hard under her.

"Why don't you let me give you another reason to confess?" She asked as she pulled away and looked at me with lust blazing in her eyes. I groaned, wondering if I should give in or fight it off.

"I don't know, maybe we should save it for later after we've had something to eat and a little rest. You look pretty tired." She ground her ass down on me and pouted like no one else could ever hope to accomplish. If she asked me to, I would have done anything for her.

"You're right, again." She paused as if thinking about how much to say before going on. "I think tonight is gonna be the best night of my life."

"I sure hope I can make it better than last night." I smiled, wondering if it was possible to do that.

I had never thought that just oral sex could be so powerful that all I wanted was to do it again and didn't care if I never went further with her. What's more, the best part hadn't been when she'd been sucking me. For the first time in my life I was truly selfless when it came to giving during sex. All I wanted was for her to be happy and it was new to me.

"If you can do that I'll never be able to get out of bed again," she giggled softly. "Seriously though, I still feel exhausted from last night on top of everything today."

"Well, I have to admit it wasn't really my doing."

"Yeah right. So it was someone else that made me orgasm so hard I could hardly keep my eyes open afterward." She said sarcastically and I shook my head at her.

"No, I was there but the credit for that and everything else goes to you."

"Jay, I didn't lick myself." She pointed out unnecessarily. I grinned at her as I got an image of her doing just that and she seemed to realize it. "Shut up!" She burst out in outraged giggles.

"I didn't say anything," I defended myself as I tried not to laugh.

"You were imagining me doing that to myself weren't you?" She asked in mock outrage. I think it was mock outrage anyway.

"Do you think you're flexible enough to do it?" I was laughing around my words before I could finish getting them out. She frowned and then wrinkled her nose so cute my laugh died a little. I wanted her so bad.

"No, I'm not."

"But you're a dancer. Dancer's are flexible aren't they?" I was chuckling now and her cuteness factor skyrocketed to as yet unachieved heights as she frowned, wrinkled her nose, and shook her head all at once.

"I'm not that flexible Jay. But if you want to we can try." She was laughing now as my own mirth died and once again I was picturing her eating herself out.

"That would be the most intense..." I trailed off as her laugh faded and she hit me lightly in the chest.

"I can hardly use my hand on myself and you think I'd know what to do if I could get my head down there?" She was sobering now, and I could tell we were skating close to her insecurity again.

"Well, if it were possible, I'd help you. And, if you asked real nice, I'd let you practice on some other girl." Outrage bloomed her in face as she thought I was seriously suggesting I wanted another girl to join the equation. My grin let her know I was joking and she relaxed back against me.

"You know I couldn't ever share you with anyone right?" She asked as she buried her head in my chest and started to sniff at my armpit again.

"I know. I feel the same way about you. But you don't have to worry about that, I don't want someone else. You're more than I'll ever be able to handle."

"You better believe it mister!" She said into my chest vehemently and then laughed at her own intensity. I chuckled too, enjoying how possessive she'd become of me.

"So, not to try to ruin the party again, but I think we may need to get up soon." I said shifting from the soreness from holding her on my lap for so long.

"Can't we just hold each other forever?" She asked as if it were an honest question. I drew my hands over her robe covered back and wished I could touch her skin to skin again.

"I think at some point we may have to eat or something like that, but other than that I don't see why we couldn't." I replied in the same serious tone. She snuggled tight to me and hummed a bit to herself before pulling back.

"Alright, I'm ready." She said and I started to scoot her off me. "No I'm not. I'm sorry, just a little more." Once again she clung to me and I couldn't find it in me to scold her for her behavior. Honestly, I didn't want to let go of her either.

"I love you so much. It just hurts not to be touching you." She sniffled a bit and squeezed harder than her slight frame seemed able to.

"I understand, but I can hardly breathe Kerry." I said as she tried to drive the air from my lungs.

"I'm sorry. I just..."

"Stop apologizing to me. I said I understand." She let her grip loosen on me and relaxed a bit in my arms. I was feeling anxious to be off but at the same time the phenomenon that kept her seated on me was keeping my arms around her.

"Ok, I'm ready." Once again she sat back but I pulled her tight to me and held firmly.

"Well I'm not, so you're just gonna have to wait a little." I said as I held her tight enough to prevent her escape but not crush the wind from her. To my surprise she didn't laugh but instead hugged me even tighter than before.

"We need to go before we become permanently attached to this chair." Kerry said as she sat back. Before either of us could go for another embrace I scooted her back and she stood in front of me.

To my surprise, she reached down without hesitation and grabbed me through my shorts. Her hand found that perfect grip and she started to jerk me fast and hard. I struggled to get a protest out as I suddenly felt like I was rapidly approaching making a mess in my shorts.

"K...Kerry what are you doing?" I stammered out.

"I'm making you cum Jay. You need it, I can tell." She looked deadly serious as her hand became a blur in my lap. I didn't want her to do this, not because it wasn't good but because she just looked like she thought she was doing her duty.

"You don't have to..."

"I know but I want to. You've been hard for a while and I think I need to relieve the pressure for you." She was starting to sweat she was stroking me so fast and I found it increasingly difficult to speak.

"Stop! Stop Kerry! Shit!" She maintained her hard pace for a moment or two after I'd told her to stop and then let her hand slow to still on me. She maintained that perfect grip and looked up from my crotch to my face.

I could see her fragility then, like a thin rubber band stretched to its limit and about to break. I knew if I rebuffed her she'd lapse into another fit of self doubt but I needed her to understand that my pleasure would never be her duty.

"Kerry I really liked what you were doing but before you keep going I need you to listen to me. Ok?" Her face maintained that same delicate look as she nodded silently to me.

"I want you to understand that it's never gonna be your duty to do this for me. If you want to then you're more than welcome to but if you're just doing it because you think I need it or want it then you shouldn't. Do you understand what I mean?"

My breath stopped as I waited for her face to tell me if I had broken that rubber band or not. She looked contemplative for a second but didn't break down so I took that as a good thing.

"I didn't mean to make it sound like it was a duty for me or something. Jay, I thought you understood that I love giving you pleasure. I guess I never said it right, but every time I'm near you all I want to do is make you cum." She explained slowly, as if unsure she would be able to convince me what she was saying was true.

"Even after everything..."

"Always. Even now. I don't feel like I owe it to you, I feel like it would be great to suck you off because it's always great. That's all." I stared into her eyes and she showed no doubt. I had misread her again, but at least this time it didn't end in tears.

"Well what if I told you I wanted to return the favor?" I asked, trying not to jump right into dirty talk after the delicate moment.

"We don't have enough time. I'd love for you to do that but..."

"Why don't we have enough time? It's not even noon yet." She flushed and I knew the old insecurities were back. She turned away and finally released me, a little growl of frustration escaping her lips just barely loud enough for me to hear.

"Maybe we should just get dressed and go to the church." She suggested as she refused to look at me. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, wondering if I'd ever be able to affect a permanent change in her and get rid of that damn self consciousness.

"Kerry, look at me please." She refused silently and turned nearly all the way around to show me most of her back.

"Kerry, listen to me please. I can't stand to see you like this, it's driving me crazy."

"I know. I'm sorry, I'm just really messed up that's all." She didn't turn back to me and I was starting to get desperate.

"Tell me what you're feeling right now." I said in a firm tone. I didn't want to scare her, but I wanted her to feel compelled to obey.

"I'm so embarrassed..." she trailed off in a frightened tone.

"Why are you embarrassed?"

"Jay! You know why I'm embarrassed." She didn't want to say it but I needed her to air it out so she could see it was pointless to hold on to it.

"Pretend I don't know. Tell me exactly why you feel like you do."

"I...I can't. It's too embarrassing." She said rather paradoxically. I suppressed a sigh of frustration and held my determination.

"What are you afraid of? Why do you think anything you could ever do in front of me would be worth feeling embarrassed over? Please, tell me!"

"I don't know..."

"Tell me Kerry!" I was pushing her now and I hoped it wasn't over a cliff.

"Because I'm still just a little girl! Because I'm still scared of the same things as always, even after last night! Even after all you did to change it; I'm still just a coward." She sounded defeated and though she wouldn't face me I could see the way her head hung and her face fell.

"It's alright to be scared Kerry. Being brave doesn't mean not feeling fear, it means overcoming it. You did that last night and you can do it again if you want to. You were very brave last night and I admire you for it." I was even toned and plain honest as I explained it to her. I hoped that some day she might be able to accept that I was speaking the truth but I knew she'd fight it at first.

"I wasn't brave last night. You just managed to get me around the fear for a little while, that's all."

"Kerry it was all you last night, I told you that." She shook her head and still would not look at me.

"Look at me Kerry. Look at me please." I heard her sniffle a bit but she didn't turn her head. "Look at me, please look at me. I love you, I want to help you but you have to look at me."

That did it and she finally turned to look me in the eye. She was as embarrassed as I'd ever seen her, her face flushed completely and her eyes wide and trying to pull away from mine again.

"I love you Kerry. I don't think you're a little girl or a pain in the ass or any of it. I understand that this is hard for you, that you think you don't know how to handle it, but you need to believe with all that faith you have that you can do it. I don't know why you feel so inadequate but when you feel like that just remember how much I love you and realize that I wouldn't love you like I do if you were someone else. I don't want you to be someone else."

"But if I wasn't so scared I'd be someone else." I shifted again, not having anticipated her finding that loop in my logic. I had to scramble to find some way to overcome it.

"You wouldn't be someone else because that fear is something that was forced on you through years of being told that it should be there. I've seen the real you. Every time you touch me, every time you stroke me or suck me I can see the powerful and confident person that you really are. The fear is just something that's added on to keep the real you down."

"I don't know Jay. I just don't know." Again she sounded sad and lost. I knew no matter what I said she wouldn't let it go just like that. I had to accept it and move on.

"Alright, I just want you to promise me you'll think about it. Can you do that?"

"Yeah, I can."

"Good. That's all I ask." I paused and she reached up to push her hair back from her face where it had fallen. For some reason that simple gesture seemed so sexy but I pushed down the urge that accompanied that thought.

"What do ya say we go see this priest of yours and make a confession?" I asked and she barely smiled, just a little pull at the corners of her mouth.

"Ok," was all she said and I climbed from the recliner feeling drenched in sweat and overwhelmed with emotions already spent. Slowly we made our way upstairs to change.

The priest was the usual morose monotone type, asking me what I'd done as I knelt on the leather lined pad and faced the grated window. I had been thinking about whether or not to hold back but as soon as he said his piece to get me to start talking it all just poured out.

I told him every bad thing I'd ever done, at least everything I could remember. He seemed a bit taken aback by it, especially when I told him how many people I knew I had killed. It only got worse when I told him how many I thought I might have been responsible for but had no way to know.

Don't get me wrong, I realize that killing someone who's trying to kill you isn't wrong. I understand that much of what I did could be considered commendable by any reasonable person who knew the situation. Even so, there were certainly times when I was acting on thin reasoning and came to regret it. I participated in a lot of shit, but I always tried to remain above the fray. Sometimes I failed. Those were the times I told him about with the most emphasis.

Once I was finished we were silent for a long while. I figured that my decade plus worth of confessions had overwhelmed him a bit so I knelt there as patiently as I could. He stuttered a bit and then told me that the best penance he could think of was to find someone and help them whether they realized they needed the help or not. Sort of a pay it forward kind of thing.

I was a bit surprised at his recommended punishment, but I took it in stride as best as I could. I had expected something like twelve thousand Hail Mary's and maybe a few million Our Father's. It occurred to me that I had no idea how these guys determined what a penance should be so I didn't really have any reason to expect any particular punishment. Still, helping someone whether they wanted it or not seemed a bit light to me.

I was about to leave when I felt an oddly strong urge to stay and make one more confession. I had told Kerry she wouldn't come up but I just couldn't seem to leave without at least seeking some kind of advice about what to do about her.

"Father, before I leave I have one more thing," I said and he sort of groaned to himself. He probably thought I was going to confess to trying to start World War Three or something.

"Go ahead my son," he said. He really didn't sound ready to hear it but I figured it was his job so he'd be able to deal with it.

"Father there's this situation I'm in and I don't know what the right thing to do is. It's difficult and I'd just like a bit of advice."

"Ok. Go ahead." He sounded rather impatient then but I did my best to ignore it.

"Well I've fallen in love with someone I shouldn't have and it's pretty bad."

"How is it bad that you love them?" His use of the ambiguous pronoun alerted me to just what he was thinking so I figured I'd be less ambiguous.

"Well, she's very much off limits. I don't want to be specific because she'd...well she attends church here from time to time and..."

"It's all right. I can't tell anyone anything you say in here." He didn't sound so much reassuring as resigned by that. I got the impression all he wanted was for me to leave.

"I know but...well I told her I wouldn't confess it so I won't. The point is, we're in love and shouldn't be. I was hoping you had some sort of advice for me."

"What do you want from me?" He definitely wasn't being nice now. He just sounded worn out and fed up.

"Well, I was just hoping you'd be some sort of help. That's all. If you don't feel like you can then..."

"Jason, let me get this straight. You come in here and tell me eleven years worth of sins over the course of two hours and then ask my advice on a love triangle you're in?"

"It's not a love triangle..."

"Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. Look, love is a good thing. It's what tells us what's right and lets us know when we've fucked up." I was shocked to hear this kindly old man in robes swear, but I guess it wasn't really against the rules. At least I don't think it is.

"So what, I should just follow my heart then?"

"If you want to call it that, then yes follow your heart. I mean, how bad could it be?" The situation seemed absurd to me and his reaction even more so to the point of being comical. I couldn't tell if he was serious or not. Can priests fuck with you during confession?

"Ah, ok I'll keep that in mind then. Thanks. See ya." I was about to stand and leave when he stopped me with a question that should have had me rolling in laughter but I didn't realize it until later.

"Jason. Is it Mrs. Levins?"

"Ah, no father it isn't."

"Ok then. See you later then." I pushed my way out of the confessional feeling a bit confused and more than a bit frustrated. I didn't realize it was possible for a priest to be so ineffective at reassuring someone.

I can understand his being overwhelmed; I had spent somewhere around two hours talking at him about all of my sins. Even so, he's a fucking priest! If a priest can't be patient and sit through that then who can? Isn't his job to be patient and kind to everyone at all times?

I mulled over my rather odd experience as I made my way across the church to where my sister sat in a hard wooden pew. She had chosen a seat right in the middle of the empty church, where most people avoided so they could leave quickly once mass was over. She was kneeling on the padded post that was folded out beneath her with her eyes closed and tears streaming down her cheeks.

I paused as I saw those tears, feeling an odd lack of fear. Sure, I was concerned that she was crying, but I didn't really think it meant she was feeling like I was a mistake she needed to correct. Her hands were folded under her chin and pressed to her chest as her mouth moved to form silent words. I couldn't tell if she was reciting a prayer or just speaking her heart to her God.

I approached slowly and she stopped that silent speaking, though her eyes remained closed. As I shuffled sideways through the wooden pews to get to her she relaxed back into the seat behind her. She let the knee rest remain down and just left her feet butted up against it. Her eyes remained closed and her hands remained folded as she let out what I suspected was two hours worth of tension from her muscles.

I sat on the pew and slid the last few feet over to her, careful not to bump against her and startle her. The wood beneath me was cool and smooth and strangely comforting. I had come to this church every Sunday for my entire life before I left for the Army. I hadn't been back in it since, but now it was a pleasant reminder of simpler times.