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Click hereCarl's eyes caught Rachel's anxious stare.
"Smoking again?"
She rolled her eyes. "Yes," she said with a shrug of regret.
"Viceroys, still?"
"Please."
Carl caught the tray bearing cigarette girl's eye and she sashayed over. He asked for a pack of Viceroys, motioning for her to give them to Rachel. Eagerly, Rachel reached out for them. It didn't take but a moment, for her to tear open the flip top box and pull one from the pack.
"I don't carry a lighter, Rachel," Carl said as he watched her fiddle with the cigarette.
"I do," she said as she reached into her clutch purse and set it down, still open, on the table as she lit up. She closed her eyes as she inhaled deeply. She held her breath, enjoying the sensation of the smoke filling her lungs.
David's eyes sparkled. Grandpa Radisson saw a giant grin on David's face as he peered into his mom's purse. Grandpa's eyes sparkled and the same grin spread across his face at seeing David so excited. Father Radisson knew this was the moment, the right time, to fulfill his promise to David's mother. He would reveal and acquaint David with his true father!
"Look Grandpa! Mommy bought me a pistol! Hands up bad guy!"
"No! David No! Don't point ...
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"Morning, Doctor. I'm here to interview David."
"What happened to the other detective?"
"Shifted to new cases. I'm doing the six-month follow-up on the kid—David, right?"
"Wish to hell his fucking father did a follow-up! Hasn't been here to see David since the accident. Dropped off some clothes and a book about horses for the kid—never showed up again. Damn hard on a boy killing his grandpa and his mother within seconds of each other. Damn strange that must have been."
"Don't think you got the whole story, Doc."
Dr. Jeremiah was caught off guard. He turned to face the detective saying "How's that?"
"That guy, Johnathon, the one who brought the boy. He isn't his real father. Just married to David's mother."
"No? If that isn't right, was the guy he shot, his grandfather, then, or not? I've had the kid here for six months and I just now find this out? What the fuck, detective!"
"Sorry, Doc. Don't know what to tell you. Turns out the kid shot his real father and then his mother. That nutcase father was also the kid's grandfather! Go figure. Screwed his own daughter! Still trying to determine if it was an accident, or not."
"That guy, Johnathon, told us the three of them were meeting at the restaurant. The woman, Rachel, was supposed to introduce the kid to his real father. Guess that pissed off the kid when he found out his grandfather was also his father; so he grabs the gun out of his mother's purse while she's puffing down a smoke and—shot both of them. At least that's what the prosecutor thinks happened, from the evidence anyway."
"No normal seven-year-old kills his folks on purpose, detective. I can tell you that."
"Always a first time, Doc. The case is still open. Witnesses say it was too dark and difficult to see exactly what happened.
"One said the boy had a big smile on his face when he pulled the trigger. Seems the boy fired the first round into his father's right eye. His face landed on a book on the table by a guy named Mallord; about some Milestone shit the report said.
"Then he turned and fired the second round into his mother. But another witness said, the mother grabbed at the gun, and it went off point blank—right into her heart.
"So, one could be murder and the other, maybe accidental. Need to question the boy and find out the truth."
"Hell. What a damn shame," Dr. Jeremiah sighed, as he sank into his chair.
"Like I said, I'm here for the six-month follow up. I need to talk to David, Doc."
Dr. Jeremiah looked the detective dead in the eye. Fixed his gaze on the detective's name tag and replied, "Good luck with that, Detective O'Malley. David has not spoken a single word in six months. Just sits staring at the horse book going page after page to the end; then starts over."
O'Malley listened as he pulled out a pack of Camels from his shirt pocket. He offered one to the doctor as he lit up.
"No thanks, I'm trying to quit again. Those damn things must be addictive. I quit, but just keep coming back for another one, time after time. One day somebody is going to find out cigarettes kill you; you know? Then what are we going to do?"
The detective blew three concentric rings out into the air. They floated over the doc's desk and slowly broke apart. O'Malley watched until they disappeared, thinking about the trio of broken lives, just like the smoke rings, he thought, before speaking again.
"Not right in the head, then?"
"Don't ever expect him to be, detective."
"Okay Doc. Then, guess I see you again in six months for another follow up. By the way Doc, is that for sure ... the thing about cigarettes, that maybe, they can kill you?"
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Noir -- That uneasiness marking fatally flawed characters struggling to get better, yet succumb due to their fate or even undeserved injustices.
Hope this story successfully bears those characteristic trademarks of noir.
Please, help my writing improve by letting me know if I achieved that goal through your rating and commentary. dmallord
- COMMENTS
dmallordover 2 years agoAuthorReference anon: 'Usually, the inability to spell common words in the tags implies the author has some major literacy issues. This example is no different.'
'Fallatio' is the error in the tag. It should be 'Fellatio.'
Please, readers, one spelling error out of over 15,000 words does NOT imply an author has some major literacy issues. It being called out in this manner is just evidence that a snarky critic, with an attitude, reads my work. I don't know if he or she found it likable. I would be much more interested in that line of commentary.
dmallordover 2 years agoAuthorNote regarding Thorlol's remarks.
Your comments captured the essence of the story! Thanks for your insightful observations. Particularly regarding the father-mother-daughter relationship. Absolutely, father and daughter never understood the reason Rachel's mother could not forgive her or her father for the incest relationship. Therein lies the crux of the noir element - that narcissistic bent - the characters couldn't see their flaws; they were oblivious to them.
Perhaps I missed the mark on painting the attempts to improve and become better. Rachel's initial thoughts to treat Caroline 'as shark bait' at first changed as she noted no one deserved to be treated by her husband in such a manner and she and Caroline became friends. Another element of change was Rachel's insistence that she and her dad acknowledge to David that his grandfather was also his father. That idea was mentioned in several spots of the story; perhaps not clear enough for readers. That was, I believe, a move toward overcoming past indiscretions. The biggest change element, I feel, was about to occur when Carl Raddison was intent on revealing the truth to David at the dinner table - but the noir twist in the plot cut his chance of admission from being acknowledged. I half expected readers to interpret that event as a major milestone in their lives. Fate, I thought, had a major hand in the plot - Rachel's innocent mother died of a broken heart, tragedy struck a second and third death in the family created when a mother carried the gun as protection in her purse - at this point made that admission by Carl impossible. David, the surviving family member, unwittingly brought an end to any opportunity for redemption by his mother and father. He became yet another victim to this tangled tragedy, becoming a broken mind and a ward of the state.
If I had not started this story in the spirit of creating a 'noir' story theme, I certainly would not have killed off all the characters! I have learned readers' really don't like the idea of leaving a story end in tragedy the way I did! :-0
Thorlolover 2 years ago'Noir -- That uneasiness marking fatally flawed characters struggling to get better, yet succumb due to their fate or even undeserved injustices.' Well, they were flawed. They hurt close people around them, knowingly, without intention to stop. But I didnt see them struggle to get or be better and they didnt succumb due to fate or undeserved injustices. What was happening in their life was all a consequence of their actions. Carls wife and Rachels mother not forgiving them shouldnt surprise them. They did nothing to deserve or receive forgivness and instead of working towards it they pushed it aside and blamed her for who she became. Not very reflective but selfish. I wonder if Rachels husband became sadistic as a consequence of their actions. He couldnt be that bad in the beginning or she wouldnt have married him. He even accepted the open marriage she wanted. From what I have read he changed after she declined to stop the affair with her father. I guess since she didnt respect him, he stopped respecting her. After he found out, 7 years later, that David is not his son but her fathers he snapped. Why wouldnt he? She knew it from the beginning. So there was no surprise, but yet again, like the case with the mother/wife, they didnt really care. Them dying to the hands of their son wasnt fate but being stupid. All in all, they werent flawed. I am leaning towards evil. Maybe evil is too strong of a word but I dont know what how else to describe their character. Maybe they didnt want to hurt others intentionally but they knew their actions would spread a tremendous amount of hurt.
Anonymousover 2 years agoUsually, the inability to spell common words in the tags implies the author has some major literacy issues. This example is no different.
