Trainwreck

"That's what you've been up to since I died, dear brother. Not a goddamn thing. Well, you know, unless you count sitting on the couch and staring at the wall with your hand down your pants as 'something'."

"I've been doing other things!" Garrett said in his defense.

"Such as...?"

Garrett thought for a moment and came up with nothing. "You know, that's not even the point," he said finally. "You're not really here, you haven't been since you died, and you can't prove otherwise."

Autumn reached down beside her, picked up a shoe, and threw it hard at Garrett's head.

"Ow, bitch!" he shouted, rubbing the spot of contact.

"Well, I guess that proves I'm here now," Autumn said matter-of-factly. "As far as me being here all this time, I actually do have some evidence to provide for that."

"Like what?" Garrett asked, feeling the beginnings of a goose egg forming on his forehead.

"Remember several months ago when that picture of us at the zoo fell on the floor randomly?" she asked. Garrett thought back, remembering perfectly well the moment, although he made a show of making it seem like it was a faint and fuzzy memory.

"I guess I kind of remember," he said.

"Yeah, that was me."

"What do you mean, that was you?"

"I mean I knocked it over!" Autumn replied.

"Well what the hell did you do that for!?"

Autumn shrugged. "Partly to try and get your attention, partly to just see if I could."

Garrett shook his head. "Nah, I'm still not buying it," he said.

Autumn sighed. "Remember one night just a month ago when the TV turned on twice in the middle of the night, seemingly by itself?" she asked.

Garrett looked at her sideways. "Yeah..."

"Well, that was me, too."

"What the fuck, Autumn!" Garrett exclaimed. "That was scary as hell! Some real Poltergeist shit..."

Autumn laughed. "Yeah, good times!" she chuckled.

"Good times? I couldn't sleep the rest of the night because of that!"

"Yeah, well if I remember correctly, you had no issues making up for it by taking a five hour nap the next day."

Garrett started to retort, but could think of nothing good enough to say. "Ugh...whatever," he eventually settled on.

"Ooh, and remember that time when you tripped over the lamp cord, flailed your arms wildly in the air, and knocked all that dust off the ceiling fan and it got all over your face!?"

"Dammit, Autumn! Was that you, too!?"

Autumn howled. "No, I had nothing to do with that. But that shit was hilarious!" she said through her laughter.

Garrett glared at her. "Churlish."

"Here's a thought," Autumn began. "How's about we crawl on out of this tight little space and go somewhere like, I don't, the kitchen table? Like normal people?"

"Don't use the word 'normal' in reference to yourself, Autumn," Garrett replied. "In fact, maybe don't even use the word 'people', either. But sure, I'll crawl out of here while you pass straight through the solid matter that is the wall."

Autumn rolled her eyes. "I think I'll just go out the door, if that's alright with you. Now that you can see me, it'll be kind of fun to pretend like I'm a living human again, don't you think?"

"I really wouldn't know," Garrett said, shaking his head back and forth. The two of them managed to climb out of the cluttered space before making their way to the kitchen.

"You want anything to drink?" Garrett asked as he pulled a bottle of water from the fridge. He looked back at Autumn, who glared at him with one of her eyebrows raised. "Right, forgot," Garrett said, shutting the refrigerator door and joining her at the table.

"So what's up with all the screaming and terror?" Autumn asked. "Not gonna lie, Garrett, it kind of hurts a little that after seeing me for the first time in a year your reaction is to run and hide. What gives?"

"Are you looking for some response other than 'because you are dead'?"

Autumn shrugged. "Even still. I would have thought you'd be happy to see me."

Garrett thought for a moment. "Well, I guess on the bright side, I am thankful that it's this form of you that I'm seeing, and not...you know, your mangled corpse."

Autumn nodded. "That is a bright side," she agreed. "Oh, and hey, speaking of mangled corpses, what the hell were you thinking last night?"

"What do you mean?"

Autumn rolled her eyes. "I mean when you almost became a mangled corpse yourself. And willingly! I mean, shit Garrett, I knew things were bad...but suicide? That seems so unlike you."

Garrett shrugged. "Constant pain and agony just wears on a person after a while, I suppose."

"Yeah, yeah," Autumn replied. "Woe is you, I get it. But that's not cool. And to potentially cause harm to anyone that could've been on that train? That's just reckless, man."

"Oh, well that's rich!" Garrett replied defensively. "How was it that you died again? Remind me."

"That's different," Autumn replied. "I wasn't doing it intentionally."

"You were still being reckless trying to get across the tracks quicker instead of just waiting for the train to pass!"

Autumn made to respond, but had no reply. "Alright, fair enough," she conceded. "I still contend it's not as bad as what you almost did, though."

"Whatever," Garrett said. "And...what exactly are you doing here, anyway?"

"What do you mean?"

Garrett hesitated. "Like, how come you haven't...how they say, 'moved on', yet?"

Autumn thought for a moment. "I don't know."

"What do you mean, you don't know? You're dead!"

Autumn stared at him. "And...?"

"Don't you know everything about how shit works now? Like, the meaning of life and whatnot?"

"Uh...nope."

"Oh," Garrett replied, feeling genuinely surprised. He looked her over for a while, studying her appearance really well for the first time. "So how come you aren't translucent?" he asked eventually. If he didn't know any better, he'd say she wasn't even dead and was actually sitting right in front of him.

"I don't really know," Autumn replied, looking down at her physical form. "Honestly, I could always see myself. I look the same to me."

Garrett nodded. His brain suddenly whirred with beau-coup questions, and curiosity was getting the better of him. "What's it feel like?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You know," he said, gesturing up and down her body. "Being dead. What do you feel?"

Autumn pondered the question. "It's hard to say," she said finally. "Nothing? Something? Everything? I can't really put it into words."

"So are you, like, around me all the time?"

"I don't know. Sort of? Not really? I don't really perceive time the same anymore, so I can't really say."

"Is there a God? Or a...Jesus, or whatever?"

She shrugged. "I don't know, been here the whole time, remember?"

"Is Hell an actual place?"

"Don't know."

"What really happened to the dinosaurs?"

"Couldn't say."

"Are there other ghosts around, too?"

"Not really sure."

Garrett stared expressionless at his sister. "Gee, it's fun learning about the afterlife," he said sarcastically.

Autumn rolled her eyes. "You don't just magically know everything when you're dead, Garrett. You'll find that out one day, I suppose."

"I might have figured that out already had you not done what you did last night."

"You're welcome, by the way," Autumn snorted.

"I didn't want your help! I wanted...well, you know what I wanted. Anyway, how did you manage that?"

Autumn put her hands up. "I just did it. Got the keys, started the truck, and put it in reverse. It was pretty simple, really."

"So did you, like, drive us home after that?" he asked, looking out the window to see if his truck was there.

"You mean after you fainted?"

"Blacked out," Garrett corrected.

Autumn shook her head in annoyance. "Whatever. Honestly, I don't remember. Sometimes time just sort of passes without me realizing what happened. You know what I mean?"

"Not in the slightest," Garrett replied honestly. "Although, it kind of sounds similar to being drunk, so maybe I do know what you mean."

"I suppose. Well anyway, you're home and alive, and that's all that matters. And to answer your question about why I'm here, I'm pretty sure it has everything to do with you."

"Really?"

"Yeah," Autumn continued. "In fact, I'm quite certain of it. I'm guessing that once I'm done helping you, I'll be able to leave."

"Huh," Garrett grunted. "Well, I'd say you 'helped' me last night, by your standards. So why don't you just move on now?"

"That wasn't help," she replied. "That was just a...deterrence or something. I need to make sure you aren't going to try it again."

"Oh, well I pinky promise I won't do it again. Hand to heart. Scout's honor, and all that jazz." He made a show of making an "x" on his chest, followed by a series of random hand gestures that made him look like a mentally challenged third base coach at a baseball game.

"Oh, well that's reassuring," Autumn said sarcastically.

Garrett sighed. "Look, seriously, I'm better now, okay? I promise that I won't try and kill myself again. I've really learned my lesson. Now, can you just, you know..." He flicked his hands in a sort of shooing type of gesture.

Autumn glared at him silently for a bit before speaking. "Why aren't you happier to see me, jackass!?" she cried out finally, a look of genuine hurt on her face. "Most people would be thrilled to have one last conversation with their lost loved ones, you know. Why are you being so dismissive of me, Garrett!?"

Garrett looked deep into her eyes for the first time, allowing himself to briefly get lost in them. Then, just as quickly, he snapped back out of it and looked away. "Because I don't think you're actually here, okay?" he replied. "I want you to leave because it'll allow me to get back to the reality of your absence quicker. It feels like I'm being toyed with here, Autumn. I'm either drunk, or dreaming, or dead, or...fuckin' crazy as shit or something. Either way, you're not actually here, and we both know it. You're not sitting here at the table with me, and I'm not going to allow myself to have any sort of false hope to the contrary."

Autumn looked at him disbelieving. "Do I need to throw another shoe at you or something?" she asked.

Garrett rolled his eyes. "Fine," he said. "Let's just say, for the sake of ending this charade sooner, that you are actually here. Why are you suddenly visible to me now? What, I can't see or hear you for a full year, but now, all of a sudden, here you are? Why would it work like that?"

"I already said I don't know," Autumn replied. "Maybe it has something to do with you trying to kill yourself. Maybe that was an extreme enough event that God, or the universe, or whatever decided that you needed my physical presence around you."

"But what is it exactly that you can do for me?"

Autumn thought for a bit. "I guess I need to help you get your shit together."

"Kind of vague, don't you think?"

"Well, if I were to sit here and list off all of the specific ways that you need to get your shit together, we'd be here a pretty long time."

"Ouch."

"It's the truth though, Garrett! I've seen how you've been this past year. Skulking and lounging and whining and moping and-"

"Yeah, I get the gist," Garrett interrupted.

"I mean seriously dude, it's okay to be sad, but at a certain point you've got to get on with life, you know?"

Garrett scoffed. "Yeah, easy for you to say. You got off easy. You don't have a life to 'get on with' anymore. I'd give anything to be the dead one and not have to deal with this pain."

"You think I don't feel pain just because I'm dead? Believe me, watching someone you love wither away day after day is incredibly painful, whether or not you have a physical form."

"It's my life to let wither though, Autumn. And, sorry to be dramatic, but life without you is just not worth it to me."

Autumn smiled sadly. "You've got to try, Garrett. For yourself. Heck, for me. Try for me to find some sort of happiness, some sort of meaning again. It would bring me peace."

Garrett sighed. "Then you'll go away and let me be?" he asked.

"Perhaps. That feels right, but we'll just have to see I suppose."

"Fine," he said, taking a deep breath. "Tell me what you want me to do, then."

Autumn sat silent for a for a while, thinking hard. "Okay, I think I've got an idea. There are some pretty basic things that you can accomplish, I think, that will start your trajectory towards normalcy again. Some things that will be really good for you to do."

Garrett snorted. "What do you mean, like forgive myself or something?"

"No, none of that kind of bullshit. That would take way too long, I think. Something more easily accomplished, I mean. Baby steps, you know? Something like...you know what, let's make a list."

"Hah!" Garrett laughed suddenly.

"What?"

"Oh nothing," he said. "It's just that...well, you and your lists."

"What about them?"

"It's funny to me that, even after dying, you are still just the same old Autumn I remember."

"And is that supposed to be an insult?" she asked with a dangerous tone.

Garrett smiled. "Not at all. In fact, I kinda love it."

"Oh. Well...good! That's the nicest thing you've said to me so far today, actually."

"Too bad none of this shit is real, though."

Autumn rolled her eyes. "Aaaand the moment's over, just like that." They shared a brief smile before Garrett, defensively, turned away once again.

"Alright, well why don't you get started on that list then, and let me know when it's ready," he said.

"Yeah, I think not."

"This was your idea."

"It's your life though, Garrett! You will play an equal part in this experiment. Now go get a piece of paper and something to write with."

"Bossy as shit in the afterlife, too," he mumbled quietly as he walked away in search of paper and pencil.

"I heard that!" Autumn called out.

"Of course you did." Upon finding the list-making materials, he returned to the table and sat down, sliding the pad and pencil towards his dead sister.

"What the hell do you expect me to do with that?" Autumn asked with a tone of being slightly offended.

"Uh...list things for me to do?"

"And HOW do you expect me to do that?"

"Well...that end of the pencil that is kinda pointy? Yeah, you push that part into the paper and-"

"Ghosts can't write, genius!"

Garrett thought for a moment. "Are you sure?"

"I...well, no. I can't write, at least. I can't speak for other ghosts, since I haven't met any. But I've tried writing you messages for the past year, and I can't do it."

"You had no problems throwing a shoe at me!"

"That didn't require any dexterity or anything, though! I didn't actually grasp the shoe. Just...moved it, or whatever."

"Like using the force or something?"

Autumn stared blankly at him. "If that helps your feeble mind comprehend it, then yes, just like using 'the force'."

"You know," Garrett began, reaching across the table for the pad and pencil, "that little girl in The Ring walked out of a television, and you can't even pick up a itty bitty little pencil?"

"Just start the list, jackass."

"Very well." Garrett made a show of licking the point of the pencil, which he never understood why anyone did, and putting it down against the pad. "Number 1," he said as he wrote, then stopped to look up at Autumn patiently.

"Yes?" she asked, not so patiently.

"What's the first thing I need to do?"

Autumn sighed. "How about you come up with something? Take a long look at the past year of your life. It would be good for you. Think about some things that you probably should be doing differently. Anything at all."

Garrett thought briefly, then looked at his sister and just shrugged.

"Come on, man, think!" she scolded. "What is something that you used to do fairly regularly that you haven't done at all since I died? Something that you used to say brought you peace and relaxation when you did it."

"Kinda sounds like you already have something in mind, Autumn, so why don't you just tell me?"

"Make an effort, Garrett! Examine your life. There was something that you would do like, at least twice a week." Garrett stared at her unknowingly. "You'd do it outside," she continued, trying to give him more hints, but he still didn't clue in. "Rhymes with blogging..."

Garrett thought briefly. "Frogging?"

"Jogging, dipshit!" Autumn yelled. "I want you to go for a jog!" As she spoke, a couple of dishes on the kitchen counter shook, causing one of them to fall to the ground and smash. They both looked towards the spot of the commotion, then back at each other. "Sorry," Autumn said softly.

"It's fine," Garrett lied, his eyes wide and his heart racing rapidly.

"That was kinda cool though, not gonna lie," Autumn said, looking proudly at the broken plate on the floor. "Didn't know I could do that."

"Maybe not do it again though?" Garrett offered.

"Well, then maybe don't piss me off again."

"Noted. And I'm writing 'go for a jog' down, see?" he said, showing her the paper, his hand shaking slightly. "Happier?"

"A little," she said with a sweet smile. "Seriously, sorry. Didn't mean to frighten you."

"All good," Garrett assured her. "But back to this jogging thing." He paused for a moment. "What if I don't wanna?"

"THEN YOU WILL FEEL MY WRATH!" Autumn screamed, causing an empty chair to tremor beside the table.

"Oh fuck!" Garrett screamed, terrified. He put his hands up in a submissive way. "Alright, I'll do it!"

Autumn almost fell to the floor in a fit of laughter. "That's not gonna get old!" she squealed.

"Goddammit, Autumn! Will you cut it out?"

"Sorry!" she said, her laughter only slowing down slightly. "I just wanted to see if I could do it again."

"Mission accomplished. Now can we move on?"

Autumn took another moment to gather herself. "Okay, okay, I'm done. Promise."

"Good."

"So why don't you want to run?"

Garrett shrugged. "Don't know, really. Just don't want to."

"Well you're gonna. It's on the list now. Besides, you used to tell me how much you loved it. How you didn't understand people who listened to music when they jogged, because they were missing a golden opportunity to meditate, or get in touch with their inner most thoughts and feelings or whatnot."

"Meh," Garrett said simply.

"Heck, you used to think up some of your best songs when you ran. You'd come home, all sweaty, and sit straight down at your keyboard and jam one out."

"Jam one out?" Garrett replied in a mocking tone.

"Whatever," Autumn said dismissively. "And anyway, that brings us to checklist item number two. You need to sit down and make a solid attempt at another song."

Garrett scoffed. "What for? Nobody ever listened."

"You had such a huge hit on your YouTube channel though."

"Yeah, and about twelve more stinkers. I'm one of those one-hit wonders, like Looking Glass or The Vapors."

"Wait...who?" Autumn asked.

"Exactly!"

"So what though? A few people did listen and had nice things to say about your so-called 'stinkers'. You never did it for the people anyway. Your music was always for you. It's a shame that your keyboard has just been sitting there collecting dust all this time."

"Haven't exactly been in a creative mood, Autumn."

"Weren't some of the greatest songs of all time written by people experiencing extreme trauma or heartbreak?"

"Such as...?"

Autumn thought for a moment. "I don't know...what the hell do I know about music? I just know you loved writing your little tunes."

"It sounds kinda demeaning when you refer to it as 'my little tunes'."

"Well, get over it and write it down," Autumn urged. "Go on, number two, tinker with music."

Garrett smirked as he picked up the pencil. "Is that how you want me to phrase it?"

"Yes," she said simply. "Now let's move on to number three. You've got to watch the last episode of The Sopranos."