All Comments on 'Triad'

Good start. Writing is good. Thanks.

Why did you start the story with a bunch of question marks? What’s a “Mhoo” and what’s a “huterus”.

Oh yeah, you swapped tenses at least once but I stopped reading after while and skipped to the end to leave this comment.

@Pornocles: English is not my mother language, and I am also starting here. Maybe you could give the story a try next time to really assess whether it's worth reading instead of being a jerk about it.

I take this opportunity to ask for help from a really interested editor.

Your grammar is not terrible, aside from typos and spelling that you could catch with editing.

The biggest issue this story has is the pacing. Everything is happening way, way too quickly. A good story is not, "this happened then this happened then that happened."

This chapter could *easily* be five times as long, setting the background and explaining the world and what's going on and who the characters are as people.

Right now it's frantic and the reader has no reason to care about any of the characters, so the entire story boils down to: "boy is dying, two girls save him with technology and magic with no rules (oh and one is his sister) and they have sex. Then they fall in love and have sex again and everything is good."

Your grammar is not terrible, aside from typos and spelling that you could catch with editing.

The biggest issue this story has is the pacing. Everything is happening way, way too quickly. A good story is not, "this happened then this happened then that happened."

This chapter could *easily* be five times as long, setting the background and explaining the world and what's going on and who the characters are as people.

Right now it's frantic and the reader has no reason to care about any of the characters, so the entire story boils down to: "boy is dying, two girls save him with technology and magic with no rules (oh and one is his sister) and they have sex. Then they fall in love and have sex again and everything is good."

@abiostudent3, Thank you!

I'll admit I started this story almost a year ago, and my writing leaves a lot to be desired. In my defense, this is planned as a series, so the following chapters will try to answer all those questions, introducing the characters and the world they live in.

Unfortunately, I have a much more active account on Chyoa, so I've been quite focused on it, and also my personal and work circumstances have gotten in the way, so both this story and this literotica account have been stuck for a while, despite the fact that I actually have written a background and several more chapters for this story.

Editing-wise, I find it a bit difficult to find all the problems, because I'm blind from birth and it's not always easy to go through a large text looking for typos or grammatical errors, especially in a language that isn't my own. While I can read and understand English text for the most part, I'm not always able to catch errors with the same ease. I hope to improve with practice, however.