True Love

"But you will pay," he continued. "God damn, will you pay for this. The two of you are nothing but a whore and a traitor."

Yes, this was all we were. An amateur drama group. A handful of actors, private party, a limited audience. We'd been giving Ralph the stage he needed for his dramas. It had been like feeding the junkie with drugs. He had never needed us, specifically. Anyone playing the parts he wrote would have done. We were replaceable, although he might not have agreed. We had just been unfortunate enough to grow into our roles since we were kids.

Interrupting my thoughts, Ralph jumped up, suddenly holding a knife. Where the fuck had that come from? Why did he suddenly have that tendency to use knives? That was something new. In the past, he had loved fighting but never tried to kill anyone. That change was scary. I didn't look at Dani, but kept my eyes on the knife. I had no idea how she reacted, but I felt weirdly calm. This was just a role I was playing, I reassured myself. I had to acknowledge he was a pretty decent director. We were following his script without even having seen it or being aware of it. Now, after having had an epiphany, I still had no idea how to stop doing it. I thought of shouting "Line?" to try to get some guidance. I did feel less scared, though.

Ralph was still swinging his knife wildly towards Dani and me. He was brilliant at fist fights, but it seemed he didn't have the slightest idea what to do with that knife. He finally decided on me as his target. He stabbed it vaguely in my direction, but I could easily avoid it, and couldn't shake the impression that was exactly what he wanted.

To my own surprise, I didn't really care. I was in some kind of zone, maybe as Ralph had been so often. I was just functioning, doing what was necessary. My main worry was that I was slowly turning into the kamikaze Mr. Hyde that had horrified me whenever I had watched Ralph fighting.

Finally, it seemed Ralph had come to a decision. I could see it in his eyes. His neck wasn't red, so he wasn't in the zone, meaning he was in full control of his actions. I was barely able to avoid another stab, and it was a much closer call than the ones before. That one was meant to hurt me.

Suddenly, I saw Dani appear behind him. I had almost forgotten about her and, obviously, so had Ralph. He was reminded when the plank she was holding connected with the back of his head. Having been in a forward motion anyway, he stumbled, fell and lost his knife. After I had quickly thrown it as far from him as I could, I looked at him as he lay on the ground, with that strangely contented smile on his beautiful face.

"See? I knew it. She always chose you."

"You know nothing, you idiot," Dani shouted. "Nothing ever happened between Andy and me. You are paranoid and need help."

"No one can help me when I have friends and a wife like this." He was surprisingly calm as he got up and started to walk away. "Don't say I didn't warn you," he added over his shoulder. "Don't say what's about to come is my fault. That's all on you."

We just looked at each other, shrugging our shoulders, feeling no need to follow him or do anything about him.

"You should stay with me tonight, Dani."

"I think so, too," she softly replied and the look she gave me made my legs wobble.

Sex with Dani was just like it had been in my imagination for so long. It was a bit clumsy and it was absolutely wonderful. The night was the culmination of all I had ever dreamt of, ever hoped for. For having waited so long, it was surprisingly slow and tender. I didn't want to mess this up in any way, and the sex itself wasn't important anyway. We both knew it was mostly a marker in time, indicating a change in our lives. It meant we were a couple. It meant we could begin to expel Ralph from our lives. It meant we could live our love as we always should have. All my dreams had come true, and all that was left was to fight for her. With her at my side, I was certain I could do that.

"Ralph was right, it seems," she softly said while I was still floating on that warm, fuzzy cloud.

"He was?" I answered, not really interested in him at that point.

"We are cheaters now, aren't we? I'm still married, technically."

"Hmm, yeah. We weren't cheaters when he accused us of having an affair. Right now, I guess I will have to live with that stigma," I replied before kissing her again. I still couldn't believe I was finally in bed with the woman I had loved as long as I could remember. She just giggled, sounding as happy as I felt.

"I guess we will. That mistake will be remedied soon, though."

"Mistake?"

"Choosing the wrong man."

"What?"

"You know, when we were kids, it was a foregone conclusion I was Ralph's girl. My parents, all friends, even you, didn't just accept it, but reinforced it."

"That's how it always seemed."

"It wasn't that easy, you know. There were two guys I fancied. In hindsight, it just seems I never really had the choice. Suddenly, Ralph had claimed me and clung to me like a burr. It would have been nice to be able to step back, look at things, make a choice. I never could."

"Really?" I asked, mostly because nothing more intelligent came to my mind.

"How can you seriously doubt that?" She seemed upset by my rather generic answer.

"Look, I didn't want to say..." Then I ran out of words.

"I was fifteen years old, for God's sake. Yes, he's really good looking, but so are you. If I have to choose an odd combination, I take the rugged looks, but soft heart. That's you. His combination of model-like beauty and underlying cruelty always unsettled me. In any case, I ended up with the wrong guy without really having made a conscious choice."

Instead of answering, I just kissed her.

"He always knew, of course," she continued. "He's a cruel man under a thin layer of sweetness, but he's paranoid, which makes him damn perceptive. He watched us like a hawk, and he didn't like what he saw. It fueled his insecurities. We both tried to hide it, but it was an open secret, even among our friends. We confirmed his fears without intending to, which made him even more jealous, which pushed me further away from him. It was a vicious cycle. What could I do, though? I just tried to hide my feelings even more."

"I guess I might have been more cautious about that, too, but I didn't know how bad I was at hiding my feelings until it was too late. I guess the fact that I never was in a real relationship gave me away. I have always loved you, but you were unattainable. No one could ever measure up to you."

That earned me a big kiss in return.

"Yes, that's why he always tried to hook you up. It wasn't because he was such a good friend. He wanted to have you out of the competition. We all knew it would never work. Maria and I always felt so bad about it."

"Yes, despite that damn pitying, I stayed in our group, just for you. It was painful being the fifth wheel for years, watching you but never having you, but I couldn't leave you behind. I wonder if he ever was a friend anyway. Recently, I've even wondered why he saved my life back then. I think he knew they wouldn't have killed me. He just made the most out of the situation by escalating it and saving my life, guilt tripping me to stay away from you."

"You never thought that he arranged it?"

"No. He broke a few arms back then. If he had hired them, he wouldn't have done that."

"Come on, you know how he gets when he's fighting. He might just have gone overboard. He enjoys this. And seriously, he's a good fighter when he's in the zone, but four thugs? Really? That easily? Without a scratch? I think they would have had a better chance if he hadn't surprised them."

I looked at her, astonished, mainly because I had never thought about it.

"The whole situation was terrible, such a stalemate, and everyone was unhappy. We all just acted like a happy group of friends. But then he started to become abusive."

"Why did you stay then?"

She looked at me unbelieving. "Seriously? For you, my lovable dummy. He told me he'd kill you if I ever left him. I needed to protect the man I love."

This time it was me kissing her.

"In the end, I only stayed because he blackmailed me. Staying with me destroyed him, but he still couldn't let me go.

"I'm afraid he'll do something really bad," she added after a few minutes of contemplative silence.

"Like kill himself?"

"Maybe, or killing us. Sometimes, he said he'd kill you if I left him. Sometimes, he just said someone would have to die. I'm not sure he even knew who he was talking about at the time. I'd hate to see something happen to him."

"I know what you mean. Despite all that happened, I would hate that, too. It seems I'm now the one who's pitying him."

"Don't worry, Andy, I don't love him anymore. I pity him too, though. I also don't want to start my new life by driving my old husband to suicide. He needs help, but I don't know how to get it for him. I've tried everything. He won't accept professional help. Now we just have to deal with what's about to happen. I'm finally with the man I love and I won't go back to Ralph."

"I've loved only you since I first noticed girls. You are right about trying not to harm him, but we may need to fight, and I'm willing to fight dirty if I need to."

"Same here. In the end, his insane jealousy has turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy. I always feared he would self-destruct at some point."

"I think we have all played our parts in his little drama; we all did what we could to make this trip to hell happen."

"What?"

"Dani, if we had been honest about our feelings years ago, we wouldn't have contributed to escalating things as much as we did. We both tried to do the right thing, to hide our feelings from him and each other. It seems everyone knew what was going on, including Ralph. With this unresolved tension, we constantly added steam to the tank until it exploded even harder."

"Fuck," she answered, rather unladylike.

"Yeah, fuck."

Suddenly, we both had to laugh for no real reason, which turned into kissing. Just when we were about to intensify things further, my practical thinking took over.

"I think we should get your stuff from your apartment."

"What? Now? I had something a little different in mind."

That women was insatiable, I thought. I was in for a hard time, but somehow, I'd bear it.

"Yes, I think we should do it right away."

"So you want me to move in with you?"

"What? Well, of course. I mean... What else?" I was surprised by that totally unnecessary question. Why was she even doubting this? I thought it was a done deal anyway.

"Okay," she nonchalantly answered. "Let's go. But I will sleep on the left side, okay?"

I had to laugh. "Okay." I was just glad she didn't ask for my left arm, which I would have given her, of course, but it would have been a lot messier.

"And I need enough wardrobe space."

"Yes, my lady."

"Well, well. Your training is coming along fine," which earned her a playful smack to her nice ass.

We took my SUV and drove to their apartment, hoping Ralph would be at work. Sure enough, the apartment was empty and we grabbed all of her clothes in classical raid style, hoping none of the neighbors would call the police. We just stuffed everything into my car in a haste, trying to avoid meeting Ralph. During our getaway, the tension left us, and we laughed and high-fived.

At home, she immediately claimed a lot of my wardrobe and bathroom space, which I enjoyed seeing. She could mark her territory as much as she wanted, as long as it was in MY house. Our house, that is.

Life continued like that. Me being gloriously happy, Dani beaming most of the time, both of us spending a lot of time in bed. It was as it always should have been.

"You know, we should invite him."

Ralph was never mentioned again, but we both knew he was still looming in the background, waiting for his opportunity. I hadn't forgotten his threat, and I'm sure neither had Dani. That's why I was baffled when she said this.

"You are right," Maria said, nodding and looking serious.

She was there to plan the next gathering of friends, and I had somehow assumed Ralph would be excluded from then on.

"I mean, it must be hard enough for him to lose Dani. There's no need for him to lose all his friends," Maria continued.

Dani looked at me and I immediately understood her motivation was a bit different. I guessed she wanted to keep her enemy near, but I had my doubts about that strategy. It hadn't worked very well for Ralph, after all.

"Yes," she said. "There's no need to exclude him. Maria, will you do me a favor and ask him? Things are a bit difficult between us."

"Of course, honey," Maria answered in her typical motherly way, putting her hand on Dani's reassuringly. "Don't you worry, I will take care of it."

Later, after Maria had left, I brought the subject up again.

"Are you sure that was wise?"

Of course, she knew what I was talking about.

"No, I'm not. But do you want to live like that? Looking over your shoulder all day long? Worrying if something happened to the one you love?"

"Yeah, you have a point. I'm going to become our next paranoid lunatic if this goes on much longer. I hate it when you leave the house alone."

"I've noticed, but I can't drag you along whenever I meet a friend or go to work. I don't want to live in a prison. This needs to be resolved."

"Okay, Dani. I don't think he'll totally flip out when everyone's there."

She nodded, but looked as doubtful as I felt.

The meeting was pretty tense all around. Dani and I refused to hide that we were a couple, but tried not to go overboard about showing our affections. Most of our friends seemed to approve and even be relieved, but some seemed to frown. Overall, everyone tried to ignore the elephant in the room and pretended to have a good time.

I could have sworn everyone flinched when the doorbell rang. Despite all the planning and agreeing that it was for the best, I had wished he wouldn't come. I even expected he wouldn't, but he was the only one missing and nobody had ordered a pizza.

For a few painful seconds, nobody moved until Maria, as our host, finally plucked up the courage to open her own apartment door.

"Ralph!" we heard her shout with exaggerated friendliness. "I'm so glad you could come."

I couldn't hear his reply, but we all watched as he entered the living room, trying to show his usual confident smile. This time, it seemed bolted on and obviously fake, but the message was clear. 'No big deal. I'm still the top dog.'

All conversation had stopped and we were all looking at him like a bunch of idiots. The scene was embarrassing even before the background music unexpectedly stopped. The resulting scene felt as if time had stopped. 'This is what hell feels like,' I thought.

Finally, Paul broke the spell by jumping up and taking care of the music. Everyone started to do something at once, and most of it didn't make much sense. Ralph finally deigned to look at Dani and me. His eyes were cold as he gave us an exaggerated thumbs up, absurdly winking at us.

The message was clear. He didn't care. I could have Dani. She could be easily replaced. His reputation was intact.

Except it wasn't.

He was tense as a bowstring. He moved like a robot. He looked around for confirmation all the time. This was not the confident Ralph we knew.

The worst thing was the pitying, something I had experienced often enough. He was now the odd man out; he was the target of the girls' consolation and good advice. He tried to endure everything stoically, trying not to come near Dani or me. After a few minutes, I overheard Lisa telling him about that cute single colleague she had and that if he played his cards right, he might get a date with her. Shit, I thought, that was unnecessarily cruel, although I knew she meant well.

Fascinated, I watched his neck acquiring the dreaded reddish hue. Lisa didn't grow up with Ralph, as we did, so she might not have known his tells. Totally oblivious and only meaning well, she continued her feel-good quest.

"Ralph, don't you worry. Some nice girl will snatch you up in no time."

Fascinated, I watched Ralph slowly continuing to cook inside. I could almost hear him thinking. He was the top dog, the guy all women craved. He certainly didn't need pity or reassurance that he could land a girl. It was a humiliating display, but I didn't want to make it worse by intervening on his behalf. That would certainly set off the land mine he currently was.

"I feel so bad for you. I mean, being dumped like that..."

Oh, fuck, just when I'd thought it couldn't get any worse. I was afraid he'd kill her on the spot, but he just roughly shoved her aside. She was clearly shocked that the beautiful man she had always fancied could behave like that. Ralph looked around, his gaze locking on Maria, who was the only really attractive woman in the room, other than Dani.

To our collective shock, he just spun her around and kissed her right on the mouth. I had no idea what he was thinking, maybe he wanted to demonstrate that he could easily get any woman he wanted.

As soon as she had regained her wits, she shoved him backwards and slapped him hard. The sound was deafening, as all conversation had stopped anyway. Paul was just about to help her when we all saw her pulling her knee back for a good, old-fashioned nut kick. Ralph saw it too, tried to avoid it and fell into a big flower pot.

The result was appallingly undignified. He lay there in the dirt, after just being rejected in the most public way. He had totally humiliated himself, and the worst thing was that everyone, including me, pitied him right then. Everyone saw him in a new light. The collective rose-colored glasses were off, and he knew it.

This time, it wasn't just his neck that turned red, but his whole face. Weirdly, he looked at me for help. I realized I had always been his sidekick and wingman, although it now seemed that we hadn't really liked each other for quite a while.

Not this time, not while fourteen people looked down on him in awkward silence, as they turned from friends into people who knew him, as he suddenly looked like a little lost boy, smiling, embarrassed.

The drama had reached its final act. In a great plot twist, Ralph's role had turned into that of the tragic loser, humiliated and leaving everyone disenchanted. It was the ultimate defeat.

I watched him as Dani turned away, unwilling to help him or even witness the undignified spectacle any longer. I saw the realization dawn in his eyes. He had looked at her like she was the moon, reflecting only his light. Now she was the sun, and it seemed as if he had suspected that all along.

I suddenly realized that he had never really looked at her, seeing her for the treasure she was, until then, after she had left him for me. It was as if he was finally able to step out of his role, see things for what they were and mourn the lost opportunities.

Remembering our childhood, the time when our friendship had still been pure, and deciding to be the bigger man, I gave him a hand up for the very last time. He took it gratefully, but saw in my eyes how it was meant. We were finished.

He stood up, looked around for support, seeing only what hurt most: pity. I had never seen him that weak, that defeated. Worst of all, I knew how he felt. He was on the verge of breakdown. Without another word, he turned around and left before we could see that final indignity.

"Isn't it amazing how hot it already is? I mean, seriously, it's only May," Paul said out of the blue.

"Astonishing, right? Hey, is there still any potato salad left?" Tom contributed as if nothing had happened.