All Comments on 'Twelve Years'

But I don't think a great editor, not Randi herself, could make this into a decent read. First off, narrative is an almost impossible style for telling a story. It's just too dry and unemotional. And God knows you had some emotional things happen in this story. The next mistake you made was the time line. Things like how long he was actually married, when he got a divorce, why was he paying more than the Court mandated child support? You do realize child support is determined off a pre-set schedule, right? You said his family didn't know what he was actually doing? Then how would his wife know to take him back to Court for more child support? Errors like that were found throughout the story. Things like how he HAD to know he wasn't capable of fathering children to begin with. He should have had his marriage annulled on the grounds of fraud, since everybody knew the truth. In the end, you just seemed to throw in things for kicks. Gloria and Guy, her parents, being wealthy beyond belief, Shannon being a man then a woman capable of bearing children. You seem to have an active imagination. Try to tone the next story down a tad and drop the narrative style. This was simply a complete train wreck.

Talk about a messed up family..

How does poorly written garbage continue to get through admin to be posted? Guess they NEVER actually read anything.

... get an Editor, dude !

It is well written as a bad fairytale of hatred and revenge.. But in my opinion, it does not read as anything other than a dream of revenge that would never run true..

Once they turn 18, he is off the hook for child support. There is no lawyer, no judge, no documents to sign...just nothing. So why would he have to sign his business over to his Exwife?

Why go through all the subterfuge and why would anyone think he was going to co to us working there? Again, it literally makes no sense to believe he would be there and why wouldn’t her lawyer review the paperwork?

Honestly, this was setup so that he would come out the winner and she would be fucked over. It would have been better if he ate a bullet because he had been fucked over so hard....as it is, it’s just him complaining about financially caring for his children.

But you had to spoon feed the Transgender aspect of it. If I had to rate it as an overall story, 2*

It's an involving outline with a huge arc of a tale. It lacks dialogue and internal monologue.

It lacks any exploration the emotional devastation the events depicted would cause.

It lacks any coming to terms that the protagonist would have to undergo to deal with first his family growing up, with the physicality of the biological condition, the betrayal by his wife, daughters, biological family and legal system.

I won't go on, nice outline though.

Wow. That was, uh, all over the place. I think you had about 12 lbs. of story shoved into a 5 lb. bag. A man becomes a woman after ending child support and giving his company and bank accounts to his ex, even though he was already square with the court? They didn't know he was leaving the company, but they agreed he could take the company name with him? I don't know, there was a lot of confusing stuff. Keep trying though, you'll get better. Find someone who can proofread your stories, that will help immensely. Thanks and good luck.

good start for the first time do a second chapter

Think what you will, but your comments can only help me to do better. I will listen to them. Even the cruel ones! I stuck my toes in the water for the first time, and am grateful for the feedback! Gotta go! Wife wants to change my bandages from that bloody Train Wreck!

What kind if a lawyer did he have that he couldn't get her judge uncle off the case?

They force him to sell/give them the business not knowing that he IS the business, with no agreement for him to work for a transition period? Even without the poisonous family situation, they deserve what they get simply due to their business ignorance.

His family is worried about damage control, yet is asking for things from him?

I agree with the narrative style, and the spotty plot.

In too short a story. When you gloss over so much emotional potential in a story, you lose so much impact.

This is an outline for a much longer piece. Flesh out the character development next time please.

Thanks for the effort.

Do not write any more stories. This was a piece of incoherent nonsense.

"oh what tangled webs we weave" Don't know who exactly I quoted, but it does apply to this story. Very different and you have to appreciate the effort.

Good idea but story needs to be updated. It reads like an outline.

It was okay, just a bit dry.

Also, I never really recovered from the idea of Judy having a ‘reality license’...

didn't quite pull it off. She could have walked away easily years before. She had the evidence that she could not father the twins (or any children). She would have sued everyone then. What now for Shannon? Why let us know she can bear children unless there is another part where she finds someone and does so?

Is this a feel sorry. For transgender story

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!"

- Sir Walter Scott, 1808

Better luck next time. Get an editor!

I gave it 4 stars and did enjoy it. The concept was new and somewhat original but the story did lack some panache. Maybe if the story were embellished a little more it would have flowed better. A very good first attempt and I do hope you publish some more.

No real substance, too airy fairy

Quote

The twins were Levis but he was not able to deal with it as I had.

When the news broke, Levi went home and shot Judy and then turned the gun on himself.

Should that have read differently? It does not make sense as it is.

The Marine battalion landing team (BLT 2/8) which was supposed to relieve the Marines who were bombed in Beirut was diverted to participate in the invasion of Grenada, because they were already at sea, enroute to Beirut when the decision to invade the island was made. So if your protagonist had been in that battalion, yes, he would have had combat experience. (I was there on the Army side, so yes, I DO know what I'm talking about.)

Also, I doubt your protagonist's problematic testes would have gone undiscovered through his induction physical. Intersex human beings don't just develop "cysts" which mimic normal adult testes. There is no known mechanism that would cause the human body to do that, and no evolutionary reason the body would need to do that. The fact that someone who physically presents as male is intersex, with internal ovarian development is generally pretty obvious after puberty. That whole section of the story was entirely unconvincing.

This is a nice revenge fantasy, if you're into that sort of thing, but not really a success as a story. Characters crafted of the finest cardboard, and a horribly contrived plot. Better luck next time.

Thank you for writing this truly wonderful story.

who recapped the story. Wow, I missed a lot. And you know why? Because I just didn't care at all about any of these people. And they really don't do anything interesting. I mean dude is a victim for some indeterminant number of years. The ex-wife is shrew and then there's the writing style that literally makes me think of a going to the grocery store...while stoned on PCP.

kinda boilerplate....

This story made me laugh. but the comments make me laugh even harder. I can only surmise that this story was a cut-out scene from Apocalypse Now and the husband is the first captain to meet the madman at the end of the river...

She suffered a long time. I'm not sure it was worth it, but she won in the end. Good story, if highly unlikely.

As far as I know, collage is an art form where lots of pictures are stuck together to create a scrapbook page of some sort. So when you kept insisting your characters got collage degrees, I was somewhat taken aback, as it must be far more intellectual a pursuit than I'd ever imagined, to require a degree.

Picking any two themes from the story and running with them would have been a better idea. This is mutton dressed in lambskin, and bulging out all over the place.

Thanks for the effort though.

or college?

get some help

Such as the already mentioned Levi blunder. Also it would be hard but not impossible for people living in Wales to make friends with people living in Edinburgh which is some 350 miles away. I suppose there is always social media?

all but the inter-sexed. As much as Katylin wanted to be a woman....still has man parts

I think this was supposed to be a bit of a BTB, but you tried to do too much. The sex change stuff after his cysts were injured just have me a pain in my growing. You need a reality license for this. By the way, if Levi shot Judy in the shoulder, was he able to hit himself?

Got lost and had to quit on this one.

Thanks.

The plot elements you put together could have been interesting but the way you did it there was no anticipatory tension.

You could have sold the building and then leased it until you were through thus assuring they would not profit from it. Also, FYI, college is an institute of higher learning and collage is art that results from an assemblage of different forms, thus creating a new whole.

A waste of the author's time, my time and any other reader who struggled through this utterly useless piece of drivel. Not even worth spending any more time on a commentl

Confused?

So are we.

Author needs a geography lesson.If Gloria's parents live with her on the estate in Wales,they can make friends locally but not in Edinburgh as it is in Scotland.Also the story is disjointed,you never know what is the current time.

Interesting story. Separating some of those big paragraphs would make the story easier to read. The epilogue seemed a littler short as the judge got off Scot free. Keep going!

Not complete no way

5 Stars as for some reason I liked this Story . To all of the authors out their remember this you cannot please everyone . I was told that by a college teacher .

I liked you story!!